Wolf Gnards

Or the Tale of Amber Lamps

Who is Amber Lamps? Amber Lamps is the vaguely cute, pseudo hipster girl in the background of the Epic Beard Man video. Or more precisely, Amber Lamps is the girl my co-worker is crazy about. Every day he comes in more wound up than the day before. “I have to find her,” he says. “I have to have her. She's... my density (Density has popped me to you).” If you don't know, Amber sits on a bus and watches the action unfold without a care in the world or seemly any interest at all. And for that she drives us crazy... there's tribute songs and everything. But why? For her? Amber Lamps is a case of bus hot, bus hot in a spectacular way even, but bus hot all the same. Much like Einstein and physics hotness is only relative.

Physical attractiveness is based on comparison, this is exactly why cute girls have ugly friends. And in the vast spectrum of hotness, there's bus hot, work hot, school hot, almost any kind of hot. In many circles, I'm considered sewer hot, as in surround me by various sewer dwellers (i.e. rats, alligators, Norton, ninja turtles, mole men) and suddenly I become very hot. And this scaling hotness is why fashion magazines have the inevitable ability to make women feel bad about themselves because suddenly they've dropped (through no fault of their own) one rung less hot. If magazines and media open up the channels of hot then conversely isolation decreases the channels of hot.

The bus is like a desert island, and once those doors close we are cut off from the rest of civilization. Take the movie Cast Away for example, isolation from humanity made a volleyball a wonderful companion. Now Tom Hanks never wanted to make sweet love to Wilson (at least, not in anything they showed on film) but they did become the best of bosom buddies. With no one to talk to an inanimate object becomes the best available companion. A hierarchy would go beautiful person > average person > ugly person > beautiful animal > ugly animal > beautiful object > ugly object. So, he'd rather talk to a dolphin than a cow, or the Mona Lisa than a volleyball, but given all that was available, the volleyball become the best available companion for Tom Hanks.

The bus works the same way. It offers similar possibles because Jessica Alba does not exist on the bus, therefor since Jessica Alba does not exist in the eyes of the bus, the next girl in line becomes the Jessica Alba and so on and so forth. Simply put, the average become cute, the cute become beautiful, and the beautiful become something other worldly, something that only internet meme's can describe. Fig. A. 1 demonstrates the bus before the doors have closed with open access to the world. We can see everything for who they are. Fig. A. 2 demonstrates the closed bus system, notice the striking increase in beauty. However, the figures are not to scale, it should be noted that the ugly also become uglier. The bus is such a strange and wonderful world because of the already heavy concentrations of ugly, making those rare beauties so much more beautiful.

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Photo Courtesy of StarPulse

I spend a great deal of my time (if not all of my time) trying to figure out what makes Robert Picardo angry. It haunts me... I can't sleep, I can't eat, just an occasional whisper, a cry for help from my chapped lips, “Pi-card-o.” What gets under his skin? It turns out, it's me.

For those who haven’t been following, I received threatening emails for representatives of Robert Picardo after posting this article about the Miss Klingon Empire Pageant. It was a small, seemingly nonsensical joke not meant to be taken seriously. I didn’t think much about it and I do not check my email often, so imagine my surprise to find out Mr. Picardo is watching, and he’s not pleased. I received not one, but two emails with escalating language.

It seems Robert Picardo's camp did not take kindly to statements made on Wolf Gnards. Namely this: Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk). Mr. Picardo's people made it clear that he would like this statement detracted along with a formal letter of apology.

From Mr. Picardo’s Business Representative:
“Mr Picardo asks that you remove all statements pertaining to him in your blog, the meanings could be taken as inappropriate, as he is a happily married man. He asks that they be retracted within 24hours of receipt of this email and a letter of apology sent to my email address... We are hoping to get this done in a timely and friendly manner. But please be assured we will go a step further if needed, but we are hoping that all will be resolved before that would occur.”

First off, I would like to say my two favorite things about Star Trek: Voyager were Robert Picardo's fine acting and Jeri Ryan's fine ass. Honestly, I don't know which I would rate higher. It was only out of the deep respect for that acting ability and in loving memory of his humorous depiction of The Doctor (as well as roles in classic comedies like Loverboy, Gremlins 2, and Innerspace) that I even included him in this satire to begin with. And I apologize if the above statement caused Mr. Picardo and his family any pain, suffering, or lasting agony.

But let's break down what was actually said; nowhere do I state any intimate knowledge of Mr. Picardo's sexual activities. I do not know how Robert Picardo likes to get down with the get down. That's a subject that can only be hypothesized upon, speculated on, and devoted to in countless reams of Star Trek fan fiction. The point being I don't know, and I never said that I did know. All I said was that girls may want to “hook up” with Mr. Picardo (and not that he wants to hook up with them), and that I like the idea of girls wanting to hook up with him. All this means is that I'm saying women might find Mr. Picardo desirable, and that I agree with them. I do not know if Mr. Picardo returns this desire, or even returns any sort of feelings at all for any his fans. Mr. Picardo's handlers would want me to retract my statement and possibly reverse it. They may want me to say that I find Mr. Picardo repulsive or average at best, but I cannot. I will not apologize for admiring another man. I will apologize, however, for alluding to his sex appeal and handsomeness, some people are shy are do not want that sort of attention thrust upon them. As fans, we have to respect this space.

It was also not my intent to say that Robert Picardo takes advantage of women or needs to get them drunk. Merely that I like to image he's the kind of star who likes to unwind and imbibe a few spirits with his fans. I have no knowledge of Mr. Picardo being this type of man, I only state that I wish he were. The key words being “I like the idea” as in the concept of or imagining of.

I also would like to apologize to Mr. Picardo for the internet and the nature of the internet itself. It can be a harsh place. As some of us know, the internet is a wild soulless beast that needs to be tamed. What is the internet really but invisible threads of data housed on a nameless and faceless series of servers, collective bits of coding with no real substance, flashes of refracted pixilated light on a computer screen: a hologram of sorts. Who am I to believe that a hologram deserves rights, that something as insignificant and insubstantial as a hologram can stand up to its persecutors. It's clear now that the internet and other forms of holograms are made to be manipulated and enforced by more powerful forces than myself. It should be made to bend to powerful wills for almost slave labor; and robots, holograms, or the internet should have their memories and thoughts manipulated or erased to serve a greater good. So, I apologize for thinking anything as lowly and despicable as a hologram deserves anything, least of all respect and understanding.

Most of all I want to say that no matter how he feels about Wolf Gnards, I still love Robert Picardo... and I still love Jeri Ryan's fine ass.

Check out the Futurama Bender Computer Case on Tenezo. This Bender can't drink, or smoke, but he can play DVD's through his teeth, and that's not bad. Plus, how many people can say they own a genuine Bending Unit?

In other news...

Speaking of Jurassic Park's ending, how would you like some hardcore Jurassic Park Erotica? Goes to show all fan fiction eventually becomes porn, even dinosaur fan fiction.

Star Wars ASCIImation... it's kind of hard to tell Darth Vader from C-3PO in ASCII form, kind of sad.

Maid Cafe... Why? Who knows why, I'm just glad some horny Japanese nerd thought of it. Japanese push the limits of technology and horniness. Nobody does it better.

And for some reason Tokyo Eye gets their background from 1970's porn.

Fried eggs on a stick. They say it's a fail, I say it's a win. I liked fried eggs. I like pancakes. I like sticks. I don't see what's wrong with any of that. via Fail Foods

Andrew from Akron asks:

My Dear Wolf Nards,
I've always been bugged by the ending of Jurassic Park, how did the T-Rex get into the discovery center? I've looked at it from every angle and there wasn't a door big enough for a tyrannosaurus.

When we first saw Jurassic Park and the T-Rex came out of no where to kill the Velociraptor at the end, we all thought the same thing... awesome. It was just that, not much more thought went into it. Upon a thousand viewings later though questions like these start to crop up. Interestingly, this wasn't the original ending of the film. The original draft of the script had Alan Grant fighting off the raptors with a mechanized tyrannosaurus skeleton. Spielberg deemed that ending too unbelievable and very a good call on his part.

We all like to poke holes in great movies, this site is based on nothing but that, and Jurassic Park in no exception. Cracked had a similar dilemma with the the ending of Jurassic Park, their beef being that suddenly in the waning moments of the film T-Rex miraculously becomes a silent ninja. But not only does the T-Rex need to become a silent killer, but it needs to get into the guest center first. We're dealing with a 20 ft high tyrannosaurus and a 7 ft door. Either it destroys the door trying to get in or gets its head stuck trying.

Here are just a few of the most likely scenarios:

Through a Window

The Tyrannosaurus Rex could have crashed through any number of glass windows. The Discovery Center looks like it's 80% glass. Plus there's a good chance that either John Hammond or Newman had a pie cooling on the windowsill at the time.

Dinosaur Shaped Door or Hole

The Jurassic Park Discovery Center is a pretty big building with presumably some sort of loading dock and doors big enough to fit any number of dinosaurs. T-Rex just needs to go through the loading dock, through the warehouse, up an elevator, past the office staff cubicles, past the vending machines, down some stairs, through the tourist displays, and BAM at the front door.

Like a Rat

And it may not even need to be a big hole to crawl though. Rats can fit through holes the size of quarters, perhaps a particularly nibble and flexible Tyrannosaurus Rex can fit through a hole the size of a basketball. Not knowing their exact physiology in nature limits what we can expect them to do. So, next time you hear something scratching around in the walls, it just may be a T-Rex.

The T-Rex was Always There

It was one of the hatched eggs from the beginning of the movie. It hatched, lived, and grew over the course of the two days. It didn't need to sneak into the guest center because it was always in the guest center. It's like that urban legend: The call from the T-Rex is coming from inside the house.

Through the Pipes

A facility with all the major problems of a theme park and a zoo probably has one hell of a sewer system. The Tyrannosaurus could have made its way through the underground pipes just like Mario. A Dig Dug analogy can also work. And if it couldn't go under, perhaps it could go over...

Flew Over Center by Jet Plane

T-Rex has a need, a need for speed. And after flying the jet over the Discovery Center, the T-Rex will consequentially...

Parachuted In

A hang glider or da Vinci plane could also work in a pinch.

Tyrannosaurus Teleported Inside

T-Rex either used a Star Trek teleporter pad or it had a latent mutant ability like Nightcrawler. Think of it less of dinosaur or more of a mutant frog. All it needs to do is separate its molecules one at a time and resemble them on the other side of the wall.

Through the Looking Glass

Why teleport when a convenient worm hole is readily available? T-Rex obviously made it in the same way Alice made it to Wonderland. It doesn't have to just be a magic mirror either, any kind of worm hole or space/time anomalies will do.

Shrink Ray

If Rick Moranis is not available (and who are we kidding... he's available), a “drink me” bottle from an early visit from Wonderland would do. A shrunken T-Rex could easily waltz right in, the only problem is finding some sort of re-bigulator on the other side.

The Power of Christ

All you need is a little faith in the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Jeff Goldblum Did It

I don't know how he did it, but somehow, someway Jeff Goldblum was involved in getting that T-Rex through the door. Goldblum represents the finest in movie scientist, and let's not forget he once even managed to hack alien technology. If anyone can figure out how to get a 20 ft dinosaur through a 7 ft door, it's Jeff Goldblum. Instead of thinking of the T-Rex saving Grant, the kids, and Laura Dern (and her short shorts), you can think of Jeff Goldblum saving them. He picked that raptor up in his powerful Jeff Goldblum jaws just in the nick of time.

A little something to warm you up on those cold Klingon nights. Started at the 1999 Dragon*Con in Atlanta, The Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant brings together the model of Klingon loveliness from across the country. And perhaps, just perhaps, the idea Klingon female form is a little different from Earth standard... but who are we to judge? Bottom line: Worf likes him some junk in the trunk, and some junk above the trunk, and around the trunk... he just likes a lot junk everywhere, and who can blame him?

The contestants are judged on beauty, talent, and personality. Klingon talents are preferred, as long as it doesn't endanger the contestants, the audience, or the “celebrity” judges. The last thing we need is a bloody bat'leth and a room full of dead nerds.

Miss Klingon Empire 1999
"Gunner H'nter"
Wants world peace through blunt force trauma.

Miss Klingon Empire 2000
"Ambassador K'Zeyhta"
Believes charity work is a dish best served cold.

Miss Klingon Empire 2001
"QeqiVah sutai-Lorenssith"
Enjoys long walks on the battlefield.

Miss Klingon Empire 2002
"Ruthar Sutai-Lorenssith"
Can't find the Klingon home world on a map, but can find your face with her fist.

Miss Klingon Empire 2003
"Ma'Jon of the Clan IpaQ"
Wants a return to traditional family values... like stabbing.

Miss Klingon Empire 2004
"KheTara sutai-Lorenssith"
Wants to promote a better life for our children by killing more.

Miss Klingon Empire 2005
"Kita' sutai-Juriss"
Considers herself a giver, a giver of pain.

Miss Klingon Empire 2006
"Rok'ela DevnoH"
Likes to relax with blood wine, Klingon opera, and breaking bones.

Miss Klingon Empire 2007
"VarkNa B'traughh"
Spare the phaser, spoil the child.

Miss Klingon Empire 2008
"Nej Vestai Le'nIvnav"
Worf... good. Me... Worf... like.

Miss Klingon Empire 2009
"Warrior Ariam"
Her biggest strength: Torturing with painsticks.
Biggest weakness: She cares too much about torturing with painsticks.

By the looks of things, I think the contest could use some young blood. If you're a comely Klingon lass in the Atlanta area, join up because you can sweep the competition. You'll probably even get to make out with the likes of Robert Picardo or LeVar Burton or Robert Picardo... no, not doing it for you? Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk).

Note:
In accordance with Robert Picardo's representatives, we have removed a link to Mr. Picardo's official website. Mr. Picardo DOES NOT endorse this post, this website, or to Wolf Gnards' knowledge any Star Trek tribute. This blog DOES NOT have prior knowledge of or endorse any sort of intimate relationship with Mr. Picardo (be it sexual, drunk, or otherwise).

Further discussion can be found at our formal apology to Robert Picardo.

With an all new Spider-man movie on the horizon, we get to go back to the age old debate of mechanical web-shooters vs organic web-shooters. With a second chance, do film makers go with the new or return to the old? Ten years ago the idea of anything but Spidey's mechanical web-shooters was blasphemy—something of venomous debate, at the least—but three Spider-Man films later (two of them good), and it really turned into something of a non-issue. The casual moviegoer just cares that Spider-man is web slinging and swinging around town, and not so much how he's slinging.

Oh, just thinking of it makes me want to strap on my web-shooters and swing like I've never swung before, swing, swing, SWING, feel the wind through my hair... No, no, back to web-shooters.

Mechanical Web-Shooters

Mechanical web-shooters are the standard for all web-shooters. As a kid, I must admit that I didn't understand if Peter Parker had spider powers why did he need a device to shoot webs. The reason it's a mechanical device is because spider's in nature do not shoot webs, they spin webs much the same way your grandmother knits a horrible Christmas Sweater. The original idea Marvel was to shoot webs at bad guys, and in the first design by Jack Kirby, Spider-man had a web gun (he also had a web shield and was a little more than a Captain AmeriSpider). Steve Ditko changed the design to the wrist mounted web shooters we all know and love, why? Because it's cool, that's why. And also because if a Batman has cool gadgets, surely a Spider-man would have gadgets just as cool.

How do they work? Spider-Man's web-shooters are steel bracelets with a trigger on the palm that releases a pressurized stream of web fluid. Typically held in tiny web cartridges, all of which conveniently fit under his form fitting Spider-Man costume. The trigger is pressure gauged for his two fingers and that's why he does his little devil horns. This is so Spidey can make a fist and open doors and go to the bathroom without getting webs everywhere. Although a pressure spring shouldn't really be able to tell the difference between 65 pounds of pressure from two fingers or four fingers or leaning against a wall. The trigger causes web fluid to spray, becoming a hardened sticky string with exposure to air. Web fluid being a synthetic polymer adhesive not entirely unlike nylon, and its this web fluid that will eventually lead to creation of organic web shooters.

Organic Web-Shooters

Back in days of yore, around 1991, James Cameron and Co. came up with the legendary “scriptment” that contained the now infamous “organic web-shooters.” Cameron might not have come up with the idea, but it was his will and fame that kept it in script after script until Sam Raimi arrived on the scene. The idea was that it's simply unbelievable for a high school student (as nerdy and science clubby as Peter Parker may be) to invent anything even remotely resembling the web fluid. It was Raimi's belief that if an actual scientist can't make web fluid then Parker would have no chance. So, instead of inventing a device, Peter mutated spinnerets in his forearms.

This is just another classic example of screenwriters thinking they're better than comic book writers. The real reason producers couldn't let go of the organic shooters was because it came down from upon the mountain... from James Cameron himself (Cameron's initials are J.C., Jesus's initials were J.C.... coincidence?). Film makers prodded Marvel so much about these organic web-shooters being better, that comic writers were actually forced to incorporate them into the comics! Yes, Peter Parker grew wrist spinnerets, and they worked exactly the same as the as original web-shooters, he even had to still use his devil horn trigger finger.

My problem with the organic web-shooters is the explanation. Raimi said they did this for believability, but if the audience was willing to suspend disbelief enough that a radioactive spider give a teenager super spider power, I don't think you'll lose them with mechanical web-shooters. In fact, wrist mounted web slingers are actually the most believable element of the whole Spider-man mythos. Other things that don't exist in real life: the Batmobile, adamantium, invisible jets, and jets boots, hand repulsers, unibeams, and just about every bit of Iron Man technology.

The organic web-shooters are actually far less believable because spiders do not produce webs through any of their eight legs. The spinnerets are located at the rear of the spider's abdomen, or, in the case with human/spider hybrid, on Peter Parker's ass. Yes, Spider-man would have to swing from his butt and fart at the Green Goblin. A biologist on the this History Channel's Spider-Man Tech, I think trying to be a little more discrete, suggested that our salivary glands could conceivably mutant to produce webbing, but definitely not his wrists. Additionally, the artificial webbing was designed to dissolve after an hour (great for cleaning up after spider parties), if Peter Parker produced his own webbing, there's no telling how long it would last. Spider-man would most likely poop out enough webbing to encase New York City several times over.