Craptain America: How Much Does Captain America Poop?

The inner workings of superheroes can be a weird and wonderful thing. I'm not talking about what makes Batman cry or why Iron Man attends AA meetings (though both are interesting). This is more anatomical like how come Spider-Man’s web spinners aren’t in his ass? Or why does Power Girl have a boob hole? And while much has already been said about Captain America’s build (i.e. his chest that is nearly 6 times the size of his head), the eternal question remains: how much does Captain America poop?

Or, at least, I question it.

According to the 2011 movie, Captain America’s metabolism burns 4 times faster than that of the average person’s. This is why he can’t get drunk anymore and presumably how he survived in a block of ice for over 60 years. So, if he’s burning that much energy, this means he has to replace that energy with something. Most humans do it with food, so how many calories does that mean he has to eat in a single day? Or in oily abs terms, how much Muscle Milk does Cap’n America even have to guzzle, brah? And what does eating all those calories mean to his digestive system?

At 4 times the metabolic rate, Steve Rogers has to eat 4 times the average amount of calories per day. So, if the average is 2000 calories, Rogers needs to eat around 8000 calories. Which is actually 4000 calories less than Michael Phelps… fatty.

Or in other terms:

33 Powerbars

Or 80 Cartons of Muscle Milk

Or 127 Raw Eggs

But What about his Morning Craptain!?

If this is what Captain America intakes, what exactly does this mean for his output? Metabolism and digestion are unrelated. So, while Steve Rogers has to drink 80 Muscle Milks a day, we still have no idea how many trips to the bathroom this ends up being. There are two distinct possibilities though: either 1) his digestive system is as ramped up as he is, or 2) he has a normal digestive system.

If he has equally superpowered digestion and his bodily waste is processed at a higher rate then Captain America would have to poo between 4 and 12 of times per day (the average is between 3 times a day and once per three days, depending on the person and their diet), and these would be average sized stools. Let’s say 8 medium poops per day. So much like Hydra’s motto: if one head is cut off, two more will take its place.

However, if his digestive rate is normal, but his metabolism is increased up to superhuman proportions we may find Captain America poos once a day, but it’s an unholy poo. Those 8000 calories will all get displaced in one teeth grinding sitting. However, stool size is really more dependent on diet than the number of calories, so it’s more important in what he eats than how much he eats of it. If Captain America, for example, has a 1940’s diet of steak and potatoes every meal then this could be more like once every three days or once week! Given the weight of meat & potatoes and assuming that a normal human expels 50% of that weight and he goes to the bathroom no more than once every 3 days then that’s a 12 and half pound turd! Excelsior!

All of this is hypothetical, of course, the only certainty is that you don’t ever want to use the bathroom after Michael Phelps.

The Law of Diminishing Jean-Claude Van Dammes

Simple math would say that combining Jean-Claude Van Damme with a Jean-Claude Van Damme yields two Van Dammes, but not so says the Law of Diminishing Van Dammes. The law states that as you increase the number of Van Dammes in any environment, the tolerance of Van Dammes decreases.

Not to sound bias but two things you should know about me: I love full splits and I love bad accents. Yet there’s a ceiling, and it’s a relatively low ceiling of how much I can handle seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme. I wish the world could handle more, but it cannot.

He’s just been in one commercial after another recently:

Van Damme Coors Light Commercial

Van Damme GoDaddy Commercial

Van Damme Volvo Commercial

These are all great commercials, too, and on their own they’re wonderful. The concepts are good and he’s good in them. These commercials make him seem like not a coked out lunatic (legally you see I specifically just said that he is not a coked out lunatic). However, when viewed together they become less wonderful.

It’s like running into an old friend: which can be great. Then having to talk to that old friend about their job and/or kids and/or nerd blog: which can be less great. Then running into them the next day: which is now terrible.

Go away “old friend.” *Footnote

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The Problem with Figure Skating

With another Olympics behind us, much has been made of the decline in US figure skating. Everything from lack of competition, racism, and/or a change in the scoring system has been mentioned. To which I only have to say that a pipe to the knee never helped no one, Michelle Kwan, and everyone else is being scored in the same system.

The real reason figure skating has been down is because of the sharp decline in The Cutting Edge viewings.

Note: The dip in 1994 was most likely caused by our focus on the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding scandel when it should have been on reruns of The Cutting Edge.

This past Olympics I caught The Cutting Edge on TV once… once! For me to be in the proper frame of mind for figure skating, I need to be thoroughly brainwashed by a will they/ won’t they, opposites attract kind of love story. And I need more than one viewing to do this. There was a time when The Cutting Edge flowed on TBS every hour on the hour. It has all but been replaced by endless reruns of The Big Bang Theory, which has demonstrated no discernible correlation to gold medal or taste or humor.

It’s not lack of desire or training that’s hurting today's figure skaters, it’s a lack of D.B. Sweeney. A top skater needs to figure out that it’s not about classical music or rock and roll, but some sort of compromise of a generic jazz song (?) that you don’t need to pay licensing rights for, that’s what’s important. That’s what wins Olympics.

Lessons from The Cutting Edge

  • The importance of toe picks
  • To appreciate the smell of the ice
  • Form or precision doesn’t matter, what matters is blurry jump cuts that may or may not be actual skating on ice
  • It doesn’t matter if you’re blinded in one eye or you’ve alienated every person in figure skating, there’s always the next Olympics
  • A 31-year-old guy and a 24-year-old women are not over the hill for championship level pairs figure skating
  • Pamchenko?

Tapioca? Tupac?

If you’re not going to show The Cutting Edge, at least, give me some Cool Runnings or Mighty Ducks 2.

Cyberspace Madness: Chief O'Brien Hates his Job more than Me

City Cyclops proves it ain't easy being Miles O'Brien.

Also, this is exactly what I imagine when I imagine Tasha Yar in a thong.

Although, if I could make three changes to my job I would:

  1. Be in a room by myself
  2. Whittle all my responsibility down to pushing a single button
  3. Be called Chief (Boss is also acceptable)

Around YouTube:

Weird and very well done, it probably could have been edited down to a tight 3 minutes from its 4 and half hour run time though. And where was Bill Murray!? I think I saw a digital Wayne Knight, but no Bill Murray... come on!

The made this video about The Simpsons in different languages (The Monorail song is worth it):

Professor X is a Dick

I come from a world where Professor Charles Xavier is considered a “good guy.” Yes, he amassed a personal army with a jet and enough firepower to blow up Wisconsin. But he had a good reason… he… um… had a tiff with his best friend. So, there was that. Also, the government did have an actual anti-mutant agenda. So, maybe, it’s not an insane idea to be prepared. Still what separates Professor X and the X-men from any other extremist paramilitary group?

When Kitty Pryde famously said, “Professor X is a Jerk,” it was because Xavier wanted to transfer/demote her to the less dangerous, more age appropriate New Mutants. By the end of the comic, everything is all better: Kitty is back on the X-Men, she befriends a magical dragon, and everything is alright. But is Professor X a Jerk? Before we go into this, let me first add that there’s something wrong with any teacher who wants to be called by an initial. I want a mutant teacher will will teach me to control my eye blasts, not a bud who will let me smoke and sneak me drinks at mutant prom. Maybe, a reasonable decision would have been to follow through and not put a teenage girl in harm’s way and, maybe, not let her keep a dragon which you have little to no knowledge of.

Back to the jerkiness: there’s lots of lists depicting the various ways Professor X has been a dick in the comics. I mean tons. Like so many. I mean so many that why am I even writing this? But my primary issue has become Patrick Stewart’s film version.

To be honest, most of my Professor X memories come from the 90’s animated series. Which featured an even more watered down, always-does-the-right-thing sort of Professor X than the comics did. Each week the lesson was WWPXD: What Would Professor X Do? He was a little like a mutant Mr. Miyagi, but not the hard partying Mr. Miyagi of Karate Kid Part I, but the emasculated Hilary Swank Mr. Miyagi who was less sexualized (if that’s possible) and 10% more Jesus (I’m fairly certain Mr. Miyagi walked on water in that final film [And no, Jaden, I don't count your "movie" as a Karate Kid film]).

So, using that as my base and watching the movies, there seems to be a running theme in terms of dickishness, i.e. Professor X has become a bit of dick. The thing with the X-men and Wolverine films is that it seems that each movie is written without ever watching the movie before it. Or, maybe, they just let Professor X be as a bad as he want to be because they cast the always lovable Patrick Stewart in the roll.

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Badsense: How Google Adsense Banned Me

Now the story of a website who lost it’s commission and the one writer who had no choice but to keep it all together. It's Arrested Adsense.

The Culprit

Some of you may know this pitiful tale of woe, but let me catch you up if you don’t or give you the fuller story. Given my limited sense of humor, I decided it would be funny to do a parody of Mormon porn (that’s those pictures of women in bikinis that have been photoshopped to look like they’re nude), but using all round pop culture characters. So, it’s basically circle on circle action. Kind of a one note joke (if even one note), but it made me chuckle, so I went with it, and I was kind of impressed with my bubble porn making skills if I do say so myself… first try, people!

Days later I get an email from Google giving me a warning for what they deemed as "lewd" content. Not funny I get, but lewd?

First Warning:

Adsense Policy Video:

The basic gist of their standards:

  1. We decide what’s offensive
  2. Everything can be offensive to someone

It’s interesting that they claim this to be a manual process because that means someone would have had to look at the above picture of Ms. Pacman and thought that it was actually offensive (and, maybe, it is offensive but you’d have to be very prudish and you probably wouldn’t say more than, “Oh, you little rascal.” And I'd say, "Grandpma, you just don't get me!"). I think obviously the keyword “porn” set off a warning flag (wait for the klaxon), but these images would only appear pornographic to something that had no concept of what it was looking at… like a robot. Like something that could only identify that there are circles covering what could be explicit content but not what the explicit content actually is.

So, given this was a parody piece of a scantily clad Ms. Pacman, who normally wears just a bow anyway (I also realize it may have been Power Girl's chest hole, but this is just what's visible on every comic image of Power Girl, so any website that publishes any picture of Power Girl should be in violation), I clearly (probably?) did not validate their policy. I wrote an email stating this opinion and low and behold they rescinded the penalty. That’s right, they rescinded the penalty. I fought the law and the Gnards won! Or so I thought.

Days after this I get a second email saying an article I wrote 4 years ago now violates their content policies. So, they gave me a small moral victory and then proceeded to run my website through the meat grinder to see what else they could squeeze out. Well played, Corporate Giant, well played. Now this page is admittedly a little more questionable. It’s an article poking fun of weird/sexy Japanese toys, so I can see their point but the content is still not trying to be provocative. It’s tongue & cheek, not tongue in cheeks. It was an old article though (before I had any quality control - yeah, this is quality control), and I hadn’t put a lot of work in to it and didn’t mind seeing it go, so I deleted it. Not even an edit… just BOOM! delete (and without giving too much away it eventually got unboomed). However, the next email from Google said my site was still in violation and it could be literally any page on my site.

Final Message:

And that was about all the fight I had left in me. I’m not going to let Google dictate my content because that’s essentially what they’re asking for, full editorial control. I have hundreds of pictures on Wolf Gnards that could be taken the wrong way if that’s the mindset you come in with. The problem is there is no humor algorithm, they can’t tell what’s parody or sarcasm, so if you have anything that pushes the envelope past PG, it can and probably will be subject to a penalty. I rarely curse and I rarely write anything that could be qualified as sexual, so if my content is considered dirty, all content is considered dirty.

The craziest thing though is that the most pornographic content I ever had on my site came for a Google Ad for League of Angels (which I refuse to link to on principle). Every time I logged onto my own website I had to be confronted with jiggling computer boobs! That's them putting this on my site, not me.

Typical Google Ad:

Which also given their rules means:

  1. They have to protect League of Angels from my eye damaging content
  2. League of Angels would object to my content

So, on one end you have Google taking ads (and getting money) from anyone with very little regulations regarding boob jiggle. And on the other end you have Google putting extreme regulations on the sites that they have to pay (and if they punish you at the right time, they get to keep the money you earned by hosting their ads). In short, it’s very easy to pay Google and very difficult to get paid by Google.

But I’m just a David and this website is the best slingshot I got, and Googliath will not even notice this. Will Sarah Palin worm her way out of the woodwork to support my first amendment rights? Probably not. Google actually is within their rights to do this, I get that (I technically did violate their terms), it just doesn't feel right to me.

Bright side: As you can see, I do have ads back (at least, I did seconds before this was posted). I want to thank Lijit for taking a chance on a small town boy, just a steel mill worker with a dream of dance putting advertisements on his website.

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