Wolf Gnards

Zatanna Zatara made a guest spot on Smallville. Nothing more than a bad actress on a bad show, but still it's Zatanna. How often is there going to be a living, breathing witch in fishnet stockings. They're not going to make a Zatanna movie any time soon, so I've got to take what I can get, right? I've had a crush on Zatanna since Batman: The Animated Series. Even at 10, I knew those legs looked good. That's how I liked to remember her, too, as the leggy illusionist whose father helped train Bruce Wayne to be an escape artist. That didn't happen at all in DC continuity. Zatanna's father, John Zatara, was a real sorcerer and she like her father performed real magic using by speaking backwards.

So, when they announced Zatanna was going to be on Smallville, I got mildly excited. I haven't watched Smallville in years. I gave it much more of a shot than it deserved and watched for several seasons, mainly because it's Superman and Kristin Kreuk was so cute. However, I just got tired of the bad acting, terrible writing, and so-so special effects. But Zatanna got me to flip over for another 60 minutes.

I originally planned to rip into Smallville's portrayal of Zatanna, but I've had some time to calm down. Serinda Swan plays Zatanna Zatara in this very special episode of Smallville. In the episode Hex, she turned Chloe into Lois Lane and, of course, wackiness ensued. Then Zatanna cast a spell on Clark to make him forget his super powers and, of course, wackiness ensued. Then Green Arrow pranced around and wackiness ensued. Now what I was really planning to bite into was Serinda Swan as Zatanna. The problem is Serinda simply is not hot enough for Zatanna. Then I actually felt really bad for her. Here we have Serinda, a perfectly beautiful actress, that all of a sudden will have a legion of nerds saying she is not hot enough. I think we can criticize her acting, but it is Smallville, so it's not like she was acting with Lawrence Olivier. Next to Erica Durance's overacting and Tom Welling's constant smirking, Serinda was a very passable actress. So, we turn to her looks to pick apart. I mean she's fine looking, she has the dark hair, she almost have the eyes, but her legs are just not Zatanna legs, and for that we'll bash her. Here is a girl who in all likelihood would not even consider sitting next to a guy like me, and I have the nerve to say she's ugly.

But maybe she needs that, though. She's going around thinking she's a Zatanna level of hotness. If she thinks she's too good to sit next to me, she's sadly mistaken. Plenty of beautiful women have sat next to me. Dee Dee Supreme sits next to me almost every single day. But I digress. Isn't it enough to see Zatanna? Must I be nit picking? Must I be unsatisfied. Can't I just appreciate a hot chick in silk stockings?

No.

Yours truly, the homely man with an empty seat,
J. Douglas Musashi