Gremlin Conundrum: More Mogwai, More Problems

From my grab bag of goodies, here's an email from a new Gnard follower:

I just came across your website, and it's like coming home...

I was wondering if you've ever pondered this about Gremlins, which to this day (and I'm a physician) still gnaws at me:

The three rules for keeping a Mogwai are well known: never get them wet, keep them out of direct sunlight, and NEVER feed them after midnight. The problem is, every given moment in time is after the preceding midnight, so when can you actually start feeding them again?

I've discussed this with scores of people, and every person eventually comes up with sunrise, but this is utterly arbitrary: why does the sun being in the sky make a difference? And furthermore, IF that was indeed was the case, should the time at which one STOPS feeding be sun DOWN, not midnight (well before which it is dark everywhere).

Most importantly, whenever the safe time to feed again actually is, it's never explicitly stated, so the ensuing hijinx were inevitable.

I would love your insight - perhaps I'll finally get some sleep.


Well, JPC, as a physician you probably know that Mogwai physiology is entirely dependent on both the Mogwaian metabolic rate and relative blood sugar levels. During transformation, Mogwai form more of Chrysalis than a cocoon. This means the furry little critters use all that chickeny goodness (or whatever midnight snack) to form a gooey sludge in their blood called Hemolymph the crucial ingredient for gremlin metamorphosis.

The never feed after midnight is probably more of a good rule of thumb than a strict doctrine. There's most likely a window of opportunity when a Mogwai's body is primed for transformation. Perhaps, 11:50 PM to 3:00 AM, or 12:15 AM to 12:45 AM, whatever it is, it's easier and safer to just say after midnight. The reset cycle is determined not through time of day, but through the Mogawai's own internal clock. Meaning when it wakes up. It's the same with diabetics, hormones are released during sleep that can regulate blood sugar levels. Magwai hormones simply regulate demonic energies.

The one flaw, of course, being that since Mogwai and gremlins turn into steaming piles of goo in sunlight, they would most likely be nocturnal creatures, and wouldn't sleep at night at all.

Some more helpful tips...

Three Good Reasons not to own a Mogwai

1.Mogwai Offsprings are Evil

It seems to be that every Mogwai spawned by Gizmo is inherently evil. Not only do they multiply through a drop of water, but they multiply evil. The closest they get to not being evil, is either passive side kick to spiked bad ass Mogwai or clinically insane. They're like the dalmatians of mystical beings: slightly retarded and very hard to potty train. What's worse is the other Mogwai were just as misbehaved as furry little fluff balls as they were killing machine lizards. Who cares if you feed it after midnight? Big or little, fluffy or clawed, you got a problem on your hands. And with the amount of moisture in their air, you could have a horde of evil critters whenever a good fog rolls through.

2.Mogwai Demonstrate Intelligence
The second Gizmo said, “Bright lights, Bright lights,” I would have had serious reservations of keeping him as a pet. Call me a liberal, but I draw my pet owning at speaking (yes, parrots are out). And after watching a Mogwai play Donkey Kong or appreciate a 3-D comic book, I might say to myself, “These things seem capable enough to unplug an alarm clock. Maybe, I should keep a close watch on them.” And it's probably not a good idea to keep a highly intelligent ancient Chinese creature that spawns evil in a cage by my bed.

3.Phoebe Cates is not a Fan
If Phoebe Cates told me to get rid of a Mogwai, I damn well get rid of a Mogwai. What I don't do is hide my furry pal in my desk at work over which are a number of precariously placed glasses of water. I do not question the Cates, I simply obey. So, when she asks me, I can say, “Of course, I got rid of the little bugger, and can you please, oh please, put on this red bikini?”

Phoebe Cates

On an additional note, I have to imagine the equivalent of an 8 lbs. gerbil smells wonderful and is a joy to clean up after.

Mogwai suck.

  • Renee
    Comment from: Renee
    08/21/09 @ 08:39:11 am

    Genius! Thanks for the laugh :)

  • ibejeph
    Comment from: ibejeph
    08/21/09 @ 11:40:50 am

    You bring up a very good point and possibly one that is a bigger problem than the mysterious eating prohibitions of the Mogwai: how does any man, let alone the massive dork in this movie, deny the will of Phoebe Cates?

  • J. M. S. Esq.
    Comment from: J. M. S. Esq.
    08/21/09 @ 06:57:42 pm

    Frankly, I don’t understand how he had so much difficulty following the basic precepts of Mogwai ownership. I mean, he didn’t have any trouble with Phoebe, did he? I don’t recall him ever feeding HER after midnight, and I’m pretty certain he never got her wet. (rimshot)

  • Kyoritsu
    Comment from: Kyoritsu
    08/27/09 @ 09:14:51 pm

    Gravity. Gravity is focused like laser light when aligned with other gravity wells (i.e. Earth) so when the sun is at it’s most opposite face it has its most powerful effect. this brings about the question of the moon and it’s effect, meaning if the moon where also any where near the sun side of earth the time for not feeding Mogwai would in theory be lengthened. I suppose the actual math could be worked out using the difference in tides;That I shall leave the experts (senior Gnards).

    P.S. “Wolf mans got Nards”

  • shing
    Comment from: shing
    01/03/10 @ 08:53:39 am

    what about time zones, Would the mogwai’s internal clock adjust to time zones?

  • Seitensprung
    Comment from: Seitensprung
    08/25/11 @ 12:15:42 am

    Wow! I would like to see more of your sexy picture in or outside the pool! GREAT! :-)

    Mark Seitensprung

  • femanonops
    Comment from: femanonops
    11/22/11 @ 10:30:49 pm

    Wow Mark Seitensprung, You’e a fucking idiot. Did you google “red bikini"? Phoebe Cates is about as likely to let you sniff her dirt underwear as the write of the article is to let you lick his armpit. P.s. “Infidelity Mark” is a really shit nick.