If Spaced taught us anything, it's that every odd number Star Trek film is crap. But the greater question, perhaps the unanswerable question, is who is the best Star Trek captain? Friendships have ended over this, brothers against brothers, wives against husbands, good men have lost their lives over this. We can spit out endless data, figures, countless fake histories, and Kobayashi Maru results ad infinitum, and it won't change a thing. Some people simply gravitate to Kirk, some people gravitate to Picard, and some people are even partial to Janeway. Your choice of Star Trek captain says more about who you are than who they are as a captain.
What does your favorite Star Trek captain say about you?
Captain Christopher Pike – The Antagonist
Pikes are a distance sort with little in the way of communication besides the odd beep and blip. Liking Captain Pike says you have little self confidence. You are so closed in and sheltered that you identify with the most obscure captain possible. If Trekkers have problems relating to everyday life, Pikers have trouble relating to everyday Trekkers. And most likely Pike fans just like to argue for the sake of argument, when they do muster up social courage, it's mostly just so they can pick a fight.
Captain James T. Kirk – The Go-Getter
Kirk fans are a bit of a contradiction, they like to live life and they like to live it hard, but in the most out-of-date, predictable ways possible. Chauvinist? Yeah. Drunks? Probably. Pudgy? Almost always. The one thing about Kirk fans that you have to admire is they are not quitters, they are not afraid to fall and they are not afraid to get back up again. And don't get into an argument about who the best Star Trek captain is with them because they will not give an inch. They would rather cheat, lie, and go down in flames than give up.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard – The Problem Solver
The thinking man's captain, or, at least, the captain of the men who think they're thinkers. During Star Trek debates, they're cool and calm, 100% sure of Picards awesomeness. They take their time, analyze all sides of the problem, but once the decision is made there is no wavering. They say, “Engage,” or “Make it so,” and it's done. They're not always right, but they're always well thought out. Side not: whereas Captain Kirk fans think they're great loves, Picard fans actually are great lovers. The reason Picard was bald was because he was over brimming with such raw animal sexuality.
Captain Benjamin Sisko – The Humdrum
Captain Sisko was the captain of a space station, which means if you like Sisko, you are someone who is going nowhere. Star Trek as a series was about boldly going where no man has gone before, Deep Space 9 was about boldly staying in the same spot. Sisko fans are not bad decision makers necessarily, as long as all decisions maintain the status quo. Captain Sisko fans work the same job year end and year out, eat the same foods, go the same places (which are all roughly within walking distance of their apartments). Choosing Sisko also says you are a black nerd, or you enjoy sleeping with black nerds, or the thought of sleeping with a black nerd has crossed your mind.
Captain Kathryn Janeway – The Kiss Up
Not too many fans walk the way of the Janeway, not even hardcore feminists. In fact, most feminist would probably pick Picard. Janeway fans, for the most part, either don't have fully formed penises or do not have fully functioning penises. Mostly Janeway says that you're either a hermaphrodite or have erectile dysfunction. Seriously, if you're a fan of Janeway it's only because there is a cute little trekkie girl you're trying to impress with your open minded Janewayness. They are not impressed. Those type of girls only go for Kirks or Siskos.
Captain Jonathan Archer – The Optimist
Paramount executives would like to believe that Archer fans are nostalgic for the future, that was probably the pitch of Enterprise. Not so. Archer fans really, really, really loved Quantum Leap. In fact, they're still looking forward to all those Quantum Leap made-for-TV movies NBC promised us. Better get cracking Donald P. Bellisario. Archer fans also saw Necessary Roughness and Lord of Illusions in the theater, and are still pretty upset about that, too. Scott Bakula ... B+. Jonathan Archer... F-. Archer fans lived in the hoped Enterprise would get better just as they lived in the hope that Quantum Leap would return.
Even as a confirmed Asianphile, picking Sulu (Captain of the USS Excelsior) is just wrong and sad.
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