Wolf Gnards
Nerding Pop Culture
Isn't She muSHa': Klingon Beauty Pageant?
A little something to warm you up on those cold Klingon nights. Started at the 1999 Dragon*Con in Atlanta, The Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant brings together the model of Klingon loveliness from across the country. And perhaps, just perhaps, the idea Klingon female form is a little different from Earth standard... but who are we to judge? Bottom line: Worf likes him some junk in the trunk, and some junk above the trunk, and around the trunk... he just likes a lot junk everywhere, and who can blame him?
The contestants are judged on beauty, talent, and personality. Klingon talents are preferred, as long as it doesn't endanger the contestants, the audience, or the “celebrity” judges. The last thing we need is a bloody bat'leth and a room full of dead nerds.
Miss Klingon Empire 1999
"Gunner H'nter"
Wants world peace through blunt force trauma.
Miss Klingon Empire 2000
"Ambassador K'Zeyhta"
Believes charity work is a dish best served cold.
Miss Klingon Empire 2001
"QeqiVah sutai-Lorenssith"
Enjoys long walks on the battlefield.
Miss Klingon Empire 2002
"Ruthar Sutai-Lorenssith"
Can't find the Klingon home world on a map, but can find your face with her fist.
Miss Klingon Empire 2003
"Ma'Jon of the Clan IpaQ"
Wants a return to traditional family values... like stabbing.
Miss Klingon Empire 2004
"KheTara sutai-Lorenssith"
Wants to promote a better life for our children by killing more.
Miss Klingon Empire 2005
"Kita' sutai-Juriss"
Considers herself a giver, a giver of pain.
Miss Klingon Empire 2006
"Rok'ela DevnoH"
Likes to relax with blood wine, Klingon opera, and breaking bones.
Miss Klingon Empire 2007
"VarkNa B'traughh"
Spare the phaser, spoil the child.
Miss Klingon Empire 2008
"Nej Vestai Le'nIvnav"
Worf... good. Me... Worf... like.
Miss Klingon Empire 2009
"Warrior Ariam"
Her biggest strength: Torturing with painsticks.
Biggest weakness: She cares too much about torturing with painsticks.
By the looks of things, I think the contest could use some young blood. If you're a comely Klingon lass in the Atlanta area, join up because you can sweep the competition. You'll probably even get to make out with the likes of Robert Picardo or LeVar Burton or Robert Picardo... no, not doing it for you? Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk).
Note:
In accordance with Robert Picardo's representatives, we have removed a link to Mr. Picardo's official website. Mr. Picardo DOES NOT endorse this post, this website, or to Wolf Gnards' knowledge any Star Trek tribute. This blog DOES NOT have prior knowledge of or endorse any sort of intimate relationship with Mr. Picardo (be it sexual, drunk, or otherwise).
Further discussion can be found at our formal apology to Robert Picardo.
| Print article | This entry was posted by Wolfie G. Nards on 02/18/10 at 11:30:31 pm . Follow any responses to this post through RSS 2.0. |
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03/01/10 @ 03:22:12 pm
If Robert Picardo actually sues you for this I think he'd do a lot more damage to his reputation than anything written here.
"a person charged with criminal libel of a public figure can be found guilty only if the allegedly defamatory statement is false and was made with actual malice."
so sayth the law. I Defy him to prove malice in this article or a false statement.
03/01/10 @ 11:30:56 pm
If he were to sue, wouldn't the person who wrote these statements have to prove they were false? Do they have pictures or proof of these statements? Then the question raises the person who wrote them is either really guilty about it, felt betrayed or for that matter rejected and is now asking for him to show his hand. Actually isn't the person who wrote the statements actually being malice or better meaning being spiteful and all for what, attention. But then they must want attention.
03/03/10 @ 03:13:19 pm
If Picardo were to sue, he would have to show that these are statements of fact (a position which is belied by the context of the statement -- i.e., a nerd-themed humor blog) rather than statements of opinion or satire. Considering what Hustler was allowed to say about Falwell, there's no way Picardo would win. First, the statement is on its face NOT a statement of fact about Robert Picardo: "You'll probably even get to make out with the likes of Robert Picardo or LeVar Burton . . . " The statement -- made in the context of a joke -- that one would get to make out with someone LIKE Picardo does not assert any fact about Picardo personally. Rather, it suggests that one might be able to lock lips with some Z-list celebrity, ala Burton or Picardo. Second, even if it did concern Picardo, the statement is not actionable in terms of actually being defamatory. Defamation law requires that a statement fall into a few specific categories in order to be actionable. This wouldn't be in those categories for the same reason that some other allegedly false statement -- say, "Robert Picardo loves silk pajamas" -- wouldn't be actionable. Regardless, I think it is telling that the request to take down the statement was not from a lawyer, was not on letterhead of any kind, and did not adhere to traditional rules of grammar or punctuation.
03/12/10 @ 10:51:46 am
Well, that makes sense.
04/11/10 @ 11:59:51 am
....WOW. Just sad.....