Wolf Gnards

Yes, girls play video games. Some even in their underwear. Most of them probably in pants. Still some genius out there thought, “How can I make money off of girls playing video games?” Well, gamer guys would surely love to play with gamer girls, right? And surely these captains of industry have nothing better to do then to spend their hard earned money on a little video game companionship.

Enter the pixeleted pimp. GameCrush is banking on your nerd desperation.

GameCrush let's men who are incapable of talking to real live girls meet women who are most likely incapable of talking to real life guys... the conversations are sure to be dazzling. GameCrush is not a dating site, but a video game prostitute (because what is prostitution but letting strange men do things to you that you would normally not want to do... ie play video games). Using this service, guys can pay to either play webcam checkers, or step it up a notch for a little Xbox Live.

Games on GameCrush will run you $8.25 for 10 minutes of Xbox Live or 6 minutes of flash games and webcam fun. And girls why work at Hooters to pay for night school when Super Mario Bros. is calling? You get a 60/40 cut with GameCrush meaning you'll walk away with around $20 hour... that's none too bad for keeping your clothes on with only mild ogling involved.

So, how could such a brilliant plan possibly go wrong?

Problem 1: Not Enough Hands

A controller requires two hands.

Two joysticks and only two hands just doesn't work. The second joystick, of course, being an innuendo of the sexual variety. A wise man once said, I wish I had three hands. Indeed. It takes a minimum of three hands to operate two joysticks, and that's not going to control it very well. I prefer, at least, six hands (of course, I'm talking about multiplayer Halo here).

This means the best controller for GameCrush action is the PowerGlove. Unfortunately, the only person to ever buy the PowerGlove was Lucas from The Wizard.

I love the PowerGlove. It's so bad!

Problem 2: Who am I playing with?

GameCrush makes claims of playing video games against “attractive girls.” But I think “attractive girls” needs to be defined. Odds are you will not be playing with the above Olivia Munn. Is a 6 on a rating scale from 1-10 too much to ask for? Apparently so. This is who you'll be playing with. Hmmm... I think I'll just stick to playing the computer.

Problem 3: Did I just Lose to a Girl?

If these male egos are so fragile that they have to pay girls to play video games with them, then it's not going to be pretty when they lose. I'll be honest, I'm not that great at video games. I'm the guy that's always jumping for no reason and using sniper rifles in close combat. But when I play with my friends, I still want to win, and I'll be damned if I'm paying someone to beat me! You have to be a masochist to pay someone to beat you at video games. Or Billy Mitchell (Oh snap, that's an arcade joke, yo!).

If you're into S&M, video games, look like Sloth from The Goonies, and you had the foresight to hang on to your PowerGlove, maybe, the GameCrush girls are for you. Otherwise, stick to your Atari 2600 for cheap thrills.

Thanks to Hey, Look Behind You! and Kotaku for bringing this to my attention.