Wolf Gnards
Nerding Pop Culture
The Karma Cycle
It's strange that I've never met a bicyclist that could be classified in any way as a good human being. I see people on bikes every day and yet I've never seen any hint of humanity in their eyes. All glory to the bicycle! And the more into bikes a person is the less of a good person they can be. Which is strange because someone who's into bicycles should go hand in hand with someone who cares about things. Reducing greenhouse gas emissions, saving money, and getting exercise all seem like good aims, but they come in a very douchie package. Riding on side walks, swerving through the streets (because every lane is a bike lane), darting through traffic, shouting “on your right” when they're clearly on my left, or riding through red lights (in fact, I've never seen any bicyclists ever obey any sort of stop sign, yield, or traffic law).
One might think that bicycles, like booze, lower a person's inhibitions. Not true. Most researchers agree that bicycles, while annoying, have no actual drug-like properties. Most bears riding tricycles for instance are gentle, noble beasts, so the harmful nature of bikes cannot be inherent to the bicycle. It's something about man and bikes, the seductive power of two wheels! It's something that those insecure unicyclists can never fully comprehend. Though the real reason bike riders are jerks is because of karma. Bicyclists live by a perfectly balanced karma system (or Karma Cycle) meaning equal parts good karma need to be counterbalanced out by equal parts bad karma. All the good deeds they've collected on their bikes get canceled out by bad attitudes and belittling glares (the what's-wrong-with-you-dude-where's-your-bike glare). Being an ass is sort of their reward, by lowering their carbon footprint they've earned the right to really lord it over everyone.
However, if you separate a biker from his bike do they revert back to human form? Yes and no. Douchiness tends to linger. It depends on when they last rode their bike and how far away their bike is currently from them. If someone hasn't biked in a couple months or if their bike is in another part of the country then they're able to act quite normally. Basically, if you still have sweat on you generated from your bike, you're still under the bikes sway. So, how good a person a bicyclist is depends on both the amount of time they've spent away from the bike and the distance they are from their bike. This is why your friend who rode his bike to the bar is just awful when he first gets in—constantly pointing out which streets don't have bike lanes and the total lack of bike racks immediately adjacent to your favorite bar—but gets a little less awful as the night goes on. To break the cult of cycling there needs to be an intervention, the biker needs to be separated from the charismatic Schwinn.
Three Keys to Deprogramming a Bicyclists
- Get him off bike
- Get him away from bike
- Beer
| Print article | This entry was posted by Wolfie G. Nards on 02/16/11 at 11:24:39 pm . Follow any responses to this post through RSS 2.0. |
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02/17/11 @ 07:37:04 am
Lame. Is this supposed to be humour?
02/17/11 @ 09:06:18 am
HA! Satire! Irony! Sarcasm. All alive and well in this post. Thank you. This made me laugh. I like the deprogramming steps. Beer is always the answer. Too bad another reader who commented didn't have a sense of humor.
02/17/11 @ 09:07:06 am
I was just talking about some of this yesterday. We have too many cyclists in Austin because the place is crawling with neo-hippies. Always demanding to be treated like a car on the roads. A car that passes everyone at a red light and then blows throughout it.
Riding anbike because you can't afford an electric vehicle but hate what gas cars do to the environment, I'm with you. Ride a bike because you want to talk about how everyone should ride a Nike but only you do? You must be stopped. And I don't car that you were doing it before everyone else or that you got the inspiration from a band I never heard of. Carless hipsters.
02/17/11 @ 10:18:54 am
I thought this was pure fact, no satire involved at all. It is a glorious thing to be a pedestrian in cities where bicyclists have learned it is their right to be a douche because drivers are douchie as well. Their smugness knows no bounds. A bicyclist columnist for the NY times was excoriated for daring to question the validity of "salmoning," or biking against the flow of traffic because hey, one way streets are for cars, and bikers can ride on whatever side of the street they want, because they are saving the planet.
I keep my fist cocked when I see a bicyclist on the sidewalk, because I've been sideswiped so many times.
02/17/11 @ 03:00:06 pm
I couldn't have expressed all of this any better. Cyclists have the highest sense of entitlement of any group I know (though only just surpassing that of dog owners). And don't get me started on the hipsters and their stupid 'fixies' riding slowly on the sidewalks...grow the fuck up.
02/17/11 @ 06:35:01 pm
Karma cycle respond in many areas
02/20/11 @ 04:45:45 pm
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02/21/11 @ 09:14:35 am
Great info on here!!!
I found it very interesting!!
THanks for the info!
03/02/11 @ 03:42:43 pm
I just got hit by a car on my bike last week. The driver failed to give way at a round about. Although this is somewhat funny as I have some friends so far into riding their lycra is basically grafted onto their skin, I believe one day you will be on two wheels my friend and then you'll know what it feels like to nearly have your life taken away. Not all bike riders choose to ignore the road rules, you need to take a good hard look at yourself as there is something obviously lacking in your life e.g a bicycle .... bah haha
03/23/11 @ 03:24:57 am
You have to have the courage to examine who you really are, to come to terms with the dark corner of your own soul. I think it have much reason in a digree. Do you think so?
06/11/11 @ 01:50:09 am
great point.
06/16/11 @ 02:47:16 am
Wonderful content !!