Greek Tragedy: The True Paternity of the Girls on Full House
John Stamos is Greek. He’s really Greek. As in he’s really into being Greek, and he plays Greek roles, and he promotes Greek products. John Stamos is so Greek (How Greek is he!?), he’s so Greek that he had the producers of Full House change the character of Uncle Jesse from Jesse Cochran to Jesse Katsopolis. Now I have no problem with Greek pride or Jesse being Greek—the world keeps spinning, the Rippers keep ripping—my problem is are we seriously supposed to believe that those three little blonde girls are half Greek?
D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle are three very blonde and very blue-eyed girls. It is, of course, possible to be blond and Greek, but three of them!? That’s highly unlikely. As a pop cultural scientist and amateur sleuth (and an honorary member of the Mary-Kate & Ashley Adventure Squad), I’ve found that recessive genes like light hair and eyes are much harder to pass down to the next generation. For every trait we have—be it blond hair, blue eyes, or general Greekitude—we inherit a gene from both our mother and father with one being a dominate gene and one being a recessive. So, you need two recessive pairings to create blond hair and blue eyes. For more information on hereditary traits, please, consult your local library. I’ll wait.
What this all means though is that it would be difficult to pass on light hair and blue eyes in a very dark hair, brown eyes Greek culture. However, their mother, Pam (Christie Houser), was shown to be blonde on, at least, one very special episode. So, she would have inherited two recessive blond genes and two recessive blue-eyed genes from her parents (who were depicted as stereotypically Greek), and while I said before it is unlikely to happen in Greeks, it is still possible. About a 1 in 16 chance at best. Now the greatest way for Pam to pass on blonde hair and blue eyes to her girls would be to mate with someone who also has those same recessive genes. Since, Bob Saget’s Danny Tanner (and I guess to a larger extent Bob Saget himself) has brown hair and brown eyes; the best they could possibly do to have a child with both blue eyes and blond hair is 1 in 4. This means while he himself has the dominant brown hair genes, he does possess the blond genes within.
The following chart should help demonstrate this. Dominant genes are shown by a capital letter. Recessive genes are lowercase of the same letter.
Pam & Danny Mix
(H) stands for dark hair, (h) for blond hair. (E) stands brown eyes, (e) for blue eyes.
So, the odds of D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle all being blonde with blue eyes are not good. (And for any geneticists reading this, bare with me OK, I said I’m an amateur sleuth) If Pam wanted a brood of mini-mes, she would want to mate with something else also with blond hair and blue eyes. Who in her circle of friends possess those qualities? Who in the world fits that description? Oh, someone like Joey Gladstone perhaps.
Pam & Joey Mix
Dave Coulier Fathered the Girls on Full House
This starts to explain something about Full House like why Joey stuck around all those years. At some point you’d think he'd want to sleep in a regular bedroom or bring a girl home. Or own property. Helping out his widowed friend is one thing, but devoting his life to a family that wasn’t his is another. Or was it? After seeing blonde baby after blonde baby being born, he probably knew what was up. This is why he lived with them for so many years; it was so he could be close to these girls who he knew to be his illegitimate daughters.
The Full House theme song offers several clues when seen from Joey’s point of view:
Whatever happened to predictability?
The milkman, the paperboy, and evening T.V
Who’s the father of these children? The milkman? The paperboy? A TV news anchor? (Remember: Danny Tanner was a news anchor)
Everywhere you look (everywhere)
There's a face of somebody who needs you.
Everywhere you look there’s a face of someone who may or may not be your biological daughter.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone
A light is waiting to carry you home
Joey may be alone, but his biological daughters are the light, and while they can never know that he’s their real father, he can still make a home with them.
Ahh Ahh Ahh Ahh Chity Chi bob botta
Shhhh... don't tell Bob Saget.
Let’s not overlook Joey Gladstone’s/Dave Coulier’s sex appeal. Remember he is the man that rocked Alanis Morissette’s world. She wrote like 3000 hit songs about the passion that is Dave Coulier. She had a fever and the only cure was more Dave Coulier. Let us never forget that Ryan Reynolds dumped her, too, but I don’t remember any hit songs about that. Dave Coulier > Ryan Reynolds.
Other reasons the Ladies Love Coulier:
- Sense of humor is the #1 trait girls pretend to want in man.
- Blond mullet is the actual #1 trait girls want in a man.
- Woodchucks are the sexiest of woodland creatures. Just try not to think about either wood or Chuck Norris.
- “Cut. It. Out.” means “let’s cut the small talk and go back to my place” in sign language.
- Hockey players are the most fertile of athletes because the ice creates optimum temperatures for sperm production.
- Popeye imitations are very appealing to women because he’s a sailor and the ladies like a man in uniform. And he eats a lot of spinach, also known as nature’s Viagra.
And let’s not forget…
Uncle Jesse’s kids were also Blond!
John Stamos’s Uncle Jesse character, as mentioned before, is super Greek. Dark black mullet… all the works. His wife, Becky (Lori Loughlin), is a brunette. There is almost no way they were producing little blond twin boys. Unless, of course, Joey got there first (and by “there” I mean her womb). In fact, I suspect Kimmy Gibbler is also his child. Also, their dog, Comet. As well as the kids on Home Improvement, Minkus, and Zack & Cody. It’s pretty safe to say Dave Coulier spread his seed all over the sitcom universe.
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