Under the Goon: Was Sloth Made or Born?

Baby Sloth

I think often of Sloth Fratelli and wonder what happened? What happened the first night he stayed with Chunk’s family for instance: did he murder everyone right away or wait until the morning? It’s your roommate is a third Menendez brother, but it’s okay because he’s slow witted and lifted a rock for this one time. You can’t judge Sloth by his family, but still I do think about just what happened to make Sloth… well… Sloth.

Sloth from The Goonies is the classic nature vs. nurture debate. Did he get chained up because of bad behavior or did being chained up cause his bad behavior? And what did he do so wrong to warrant being chained up? The only things we know that Sloth was punished for were breaking his chains (a natural reaction to being chained up) and for sitting too close to the TV (a TV that he’s chained next to and had little control in regards to distance to). He was pretty much punished for being punished.

Sloth was not born Sloth, but was created through negligence. He wasn’t even born particularly ugly, but was molded into the Baby Ruth eating monster we know and love. The Fratellis abused him both mentally and physically, which transformed him into a lovable pinhead.

How Sloth Became a Monster

  1. Raised in basement
  2. Left at zoo (possibly raised by wolves or gorillas)
  3. Dropped on head several times as an infant
  4. Didn’t get teeth fixed (Money spent on Francis’s toupee)

His head shape and teeth were simply from untreated bumps and bruises. His constantly shouting was just over compensating for echoes caused by living in a dungeon and an overly loud TV. Is it possible to see the man beneath the Sloth (no, not sexy beast that is John Matuszak, the actor who played Sloth)? What would Sloth have looked like if he were treated with the same tender loving care as Ma Fratelli’s precious Francis?

Follow up:

No need to wonder anymore. Let us run Sloth through Wolf Gnards’ patented De-Slothenizing software.

Sloth
Sloth Prime
De-Slothed
Gamma Sloth

Obviously, he’s still no Clark Gable, but closer to a shape seen on human heads. We simply need to add a few finishing touches, sort of like a dinosaur created with frog DNA, we need to fill the gaps in his genetic sequence. Instead of frog, though, what we have is Fratelli: Ma, Francis, and Jake.

Ma FratelliFrancis FratelliJake Fratelli
Sloth part 2
Beta Sloth


A little more human looking, however, I’d still probably cross the street if I saw him coming. He looks a little like Nicolas Cage from Adaptation or The Clown from Spawn. Sloth can be handsomer! What if we increased the Fratelli genes and gave Sloth all the best features of his family…

Handsome Sloth
Alpha Sloth (Lotney)


Now that’s a Fratelli! Where as Sloth Fratelli would say: Hey, you guys! Lotney Fratelli (his first name is apparently Lotney… look it up) might say: Salutations, fellow gentlemen. Lotney is not a threat to grace the cover of Tiger Beat, but he does have a certain charm. I’d say he’s a 73% genetic match to Alec Baldwin. Basically the best Fratelli features match up with the worst Baldwin features. On the Baldwin scale Lotney would place between the natural girthiness of Daniel and the duck-faced delight of Stephen.

However, if Sloth looked like a Baldwin, would he still have been as nice?

  • ibejeph
    Comment from: ibejeph
    05/07/12 @ 12:31:22 pm

    This is the funniest thing I've read in a while. Gamma Sloth had me rolling.

  • geophile
    Comment from: geophile
    05/08/13 @ 08:54:39 am

    So.... Mark Wahlburg?

    http://i4.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article190879.ece/ALTERNATES/s2197/mark-wahlberg-pic-getty-images-195065266.jpg

    Sweet.

  • JZ from The Sewer Den
    Comment from: JZ from The Sewer Den
    09/27/13 @ 03:01:58 pm

    This...is...brilliant.

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