Wolf Gnards

Photo Courtesy of StarPulse

I spend a great deal of my time (if not all of my time) trying to figure out what makes Robert Picardo angry. It haunts me... I can't sleep, I can't eat, just an occasional whisper, a cry for help from my chapped lips, “Pi-card-o.” What gets under his skin? It turns out, it's me.

For those who haven’t been following, I received threatening emails for representatives of Robert Picardo after posting this article about the Miss Klingon Empire Pageant. It was a small, seemingly nonsensical joke not meant to be taken seriously. I didn’t think much about it and I do not check my email often, so imagine my surprise to find out Mr. Picardo is watching, and he’s not pleased. I received not one, but two emails with escalating language.

It seems Robert Picardo's camp did not take kindly to statements made on Wolf Gnards. Namely this: Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk). Mr. Picardo's people made it clear that he would like this statement detracted along with a formal letter of apology.

From Mr. Picardo’s Business Representative:
“Mr Picardo asks that you remove all statements pertaining to him in your blog, the meanings could be taken as inappropriate, as he is a happily married man. He asks that they be retracted within 24hours of receipt of this email and a letter of apology sent to my email address... We are hoping to get this done in a timely and friendly manner. But please be assured we will go a step further if needed, but we are hoping that all will be resolved before that would occur.”

First off, I would like to say my two favorite things about Star Trek: Voyager were Robert Picardo's fine acting and Jeri Ryan's fine ass. Honestly, I don't know which I would rate higher. It was only out of the deep respect for that acting ability and in loving memory of his humorous depiction of The Doctor (as well as roles in classic comedies like Loverboy, Gremlins 2, and Innerspace) that I even included him in this satire to begin with. And I apologize if the above statement caused Mr. Picardo and his family any pain, suffering, or lasting agony.

But let's break down what was actually said; nowhere do I state any intimate knowledge of Mr. Picardo's sexual activities. I do not know how Robert Picardo likes to get down with the get down. That's a subject that can only be hypothesized upon, speculated on, and devoted to in countless reams of Star Trek fan fiction. The point being I don't know, and I never said that I did know. All I said was that girls may want to “hook up” with Mr. Picardo (and not that he wants to hook up with them), and that I like the idea of girls wanting to hook up with him. All this means is that I'm saying women might find Mr. Picardo desirable, and that I agree with them. I do not know if Mr. Picardo returns this desire, or even returns any sort of feelings at all for any his fans. Mr. Picardo's handlers would want me to retract my statement and possibly reverse it. They may want me to say that I find Mr. Picardo repulsive or average at best, but I cannot. I will not apologize for admiring another man. I will apologize, however, for alluding to his sex appeal and handsomeness, some people are shy are do not want that sort of attention thrust upon them. As fans, we have to respect this space.

It was also not my intent to say that Robert Picardo takes advantage of women or needs to get them drunk. Merely that I like to image he's the kind of star who likes to unwind and imbibe a few spirits with his fans. I have no knowledge of Mr. Picardo being this type of man, I only state that I wish he were. The key words being “I like the idea” as in the concept of or imagining of.

I also would like to apologize to Mr. Picardo for the internet and the nature of the internet itself. It can be a harsh place. As some of us know, the internet is a wild soulless beast that needs to be tamed. What is the internet really but invisible threads of data housed on a nameless and faceless series of servers, collective bits of coding with no real substance, flashes of refracted pixilated light on a computer screen: a hologram of sorts. Who am I to believe that a hologram deserves rights, that something as insignificant and insubstantial as a hologram can stand up to its persecutors. It's clear now that the internet and other forms of holograms are made to be manipulated and enforced by more powerful forces than myself. It should be made to bend to powerful wills for almost slave labor; and robots, holograms, or the internet should have their memories and thoughts manipulated or erased to serve a greater good. So, I apologize for thinking anything as lowly and despicable as a hologram deserves anything, least of all respect and understanding.

Most of all I want to say that no matter how he feels about Wolf Gnards, I still love Robert Picardo... and I still love Jeri Ryan's fine ass.

Andrew from Akron asks:

My Dear Wolf Nards,
I've always been bugged by the ending of Jurassic Park, how did the T-Rex get into the discovery center? I've looked at it from every angle and there wasn't a door big enough for a tyrannosaurus.

When we first saw Jurassic Park and the T-Rex came out of no where to kill the Velociraptor at the end, we all thought the same thing... awesome. It was just that, not much more thought went into it. Upon a thousand viewings later though questions like these start to crop up. Interestingly, this wasn't the original ending of the film. The original draft of the script had Alan Grant fighting off the raptors with a mechanized tyrannosaurus skeleton. Spielberg deemed that ending too unbelievable and very a good call on his part.

We all like to poke holes in great movies, this site is based on nothing but that, and Jurassic Park in no exception. Cracked had a similar dilemma with the the ending of Jurassic Park, their beef being that suddenly in the waning moments of the film T-Rex miraculously becomes a silent ninja. But not only does the T-Rex need to become a silent killer, but it needs to get into the guest center first. We're dealing with a 20 ft high tyrannosaurus and a 7 ft door. Either it destroys the door trying to get in or gets its head stuck trying.

Here are just a few of the most likely scenarios:

Through a Window

The Tyrannosaurus Rex could have crashed through any number of glass windows. The Discovery Center looks like it's 80% glass. Plus there's a good chance that either John Hammond or Newman had a pie cooling on the windowsill at the time.

Dinosaur Shaped Door or Hole

The Jurassic Park Discovery Center is a pretty big building with presumably some sort of loading dock and doors big enough to fit any number of dinosaurs. T-Rex just needs to go through the loading dock, through the warehouse, up an elevator, past the office staff cubicles, past the vending machines, down some stairs, through the tourist displays, and BAM at the front door.

Like a Rat

And it may not even need to be a big hole to crawl though. Rats can fit through holes the size of quarters, perhaps a particularly nibble and flexible Tyrannosaurus Rex can fit through a hole the size of a basketball. Not knowing their exact physiology in nature limits what we can expect them to do. So, next time you hear something scratching around in the walls, it just may be a T-Rex.

The T-Rex was Always There

It was one of the hatched eggs from the beginning of the movie. It hatched, lived, and grew over the course of the two days. It didn't need to sneak into the guest center because it was always in the guest center. It's like that urban legend: The call from the T-Rex is coming from inside the house.

Through the Pipes

A facility with all the major problems of a theme park and a zoo probably has one hell of a sewer system. The Tyrannosaurus could have made its way through the underground pipes just like Mario. A Dig Dug analogy can also work. And if it couldn't go under, perhaps it could go over...

Flew Over Center by Jet Plane

T-Rex has a need, a need for speed. And after flying the jet over the Discovery Center, the T-Rex will consequentially...

Parachuted In

A hang glider or da Vinci plane could also work in a pinch.

Tyrannosaurus Teleported Inside

T-Rex either used a Star Trek teleporter pad or it had a latent mutant ability like Nightcrawler. Think of it less of dinosaur or more of a mutant frog. All it needs to do is separate its molecules one at a time and resemble them on the other side of the wall.

Through the Looking Glass

Why teleport when a convenient worm hole is readily available? T-Rex obviously made it in the same way Alice made it to Wonderland. It doesn't have to just be a magic mirror either, any kind of worm hole or space/time anomalies will do.

Shrink Ray

If Rick Moranis is not available (and who are we kidding... he's available), a “drink me” bottle from an early visit from Wonderland would do. A shrunken T-Rex could easily waltz right in, the only problem is finding some sort of re-bigulator on the other side.

The Power of Christ

All you need is a little faith in the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Jeff Goldblum Did It

I don't know how he did it, but somehow, someway Jeff Goldblum was involved in getting that T-Rex through the door. Goldblum represents the finest in movie scientist, and let's not forget he once even managed to hack alien technology. If anyone can figure out how to get a 20 ft dinosaur through a 7 ft door, it's Jeff Goldblum. Instead of thinking of the T-Rex saving Grant, the kids, and Laura Dern (and her short shorts), you can think of Jeff Goldblum saving them. He picked that raptor up in his powerful Jeff Goldblum jaws just in the nick of time.

If Spaced taught us anything, it's that every odd number Star Trek film is crap. But the greater question, perhaps the unanswerable question, is who is the best Star Trek captain? Friendships have ended over this, brothers against brothers, wives against husbands, good men have lost their lives over this. We can spit out endless data, figures, countless fake histories, and Kobayashi Maru results ad infinitum, and it won't change a thing. Some people simply gravitate to Kirk, some people gravitate to Picard, and some people are even partial to Janeway. Your choice of Star Trek captain says more about who you are than who they are as a captain.

What does your favorite Star Trek captain say about you?

Captain Christopher Pike – The Antagonist

Pikes are a distance sort with little in the way of communication besides the odd beep and blip. Liking Captain Pike says you have little self confidence. You are so closed in and sheltered that you identify with the most obscure captain possible. If Trekkers have problems relating to everyday life, Pikers have trouble relating to everyday Trekkers. And most likely Pike fans just like to argue for the sake of argument, when they do muster up social courage, it's mostly just so they can pick a fight.

Captain James T. Kirk – The Go-Getter

Kirk fans are a bit of a contradiction, they like to live life and they like to live it hard, but in the most out-of-date, predictable ways possible. Chauvinist? Yeah. Drunks? Probably. Pudgy? Almost always. The one thing about Kirk fans that you have to admire is they are not quitters, they are not afraid to fall and they are not afraid to get back up again. And don't get into an argument about who the best Star Trek captain is with them because they will not give an inch. They would rather cheat, lie, and go down in flames than give up.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard – The Problem Solver

The thinking man's captain, or, at least, the captain of the men who think they're thinkers. During Star Trek debates, they're cool and calm, 100% sure of Picards awesomeness. They take their time, analyze all sides of the problem, but once the decision is made there is no wavering. They say, “Engage,” or “Make it so,” and it's done. They're not always right, but they're always well thought out. Side not: whereas Captain Kirk fans think they're great loves, Picard fans actually are great lovers. The reason Picard was bald was because he was over brimming with such raw animal sexuality.

Captain Benjamin Sisko – The Humdrum

Captain Sisko was the captain of a space station, which means if you like Sisko, you are someone who is going nowhere. Star Trek as a series was about boldly going where no man has gone before, Deep Space 9 was about boldly staying in the same spot. Sisko fans are not bad decision makers necessarily, as long as all decisions maintain the status quo. Captain Sisko fans work the same job year end and year out, eat the same foods, go the same places (which are all roughly within walking distance of their apartments). Choosing Sisko also says you are a black nerd, or you enjoy sleeping with black nerds, or the thought of sleeping with a black nerd has crossed your mind.

Captain Kathryn Janeway – The Kiss Up

Not too many fans walk the way of the Janeway, not even hardcore feminists. In fact, most feminist would probably pick Picard. Janeway fans, for the most part, either don't have fully formed penises or do not have fully functioning penises. Mostly Janeway says that you're either a hermaphrodite or have erectile dysfunction. Seriously, if you're a fan of Janeway it's only because there is a cute little trekkie girl you're trying to impress with your open minded Janewayness. They are not impressed. Those type of girls only go for Kirks or Siskos.

Captain Jonathan Archer – The Optimist

Paramount executives would like to believe that Archer fans are nostalgic for the future, that was probably the pitch of Enterprise. Not so. Archer fans really, really, really loved Quantum Leap. In fact, they're still looking forward to all those Quantum Leap made-for-TV movies NBC promised us. Better get cracking Donald P. Bellisario. Archer fans also saw Necessary Roughness and Lord of Illusions in the theater, and are still pretty upset about that, too. Scott Bakula ... B+. Jonathan Archer... F-. Archer fans lived in the hoped Enterprise would get better just as they lived in the hope that Quantum Leap would return.

P.S.
Even as a confirmed Asianphile, picking Sulu (Captain of the USS Excelsior) is just wrong and sad.

All bad things must come to an end and this is our final Hiro Meter. And I do mean final because chances are Heroes ain't coming back.

So, how much did Masi Oka shame the Asian race in 4th season finale? Not too much actually.

Hiro is a Zero

1. Hiro has not learned a damn thing... -1. The whole season was about not going around effing up the time line, and what's the first thing Hiro wants to do? He wants to go back in time... again. And mess things up... again.
2. Charlie just wants to be friends... -1. When old Charlie says she doesn't want Hiro to go back in time and get her, she's basically saying, "I'm sorry you misunderstood. I just want to be friends." She didn't even wait for Hiro to rescue her, she got busy in the past and she got busy hard, popping out little red head babies. If she thought of Hiro as her true love she would have had him go back for her, regardless of grand kids. He didn't even get an old lady kiss, which would have been awesome in a Harold & Maude sort of way.
3. Hiro got his banana peel... +2. Did I call it, or what? I didn't know exactly how Hiro was going to get his banana peel, but I knew he was going to save the world in the most insignificant way possible. Peter gets the big battle, even though Hiro was much more emotionally invested with confronting Samuel, but it was Hiro who ultimately saved the day through mostly shear goofiness.

And that's all she wrote for poor Hiro.

Though, one thing that did bother me about Hiro this season was him saving Charlie to being with. A lot of fans wanted Hiro to save his "true love" Charlie, but the problem I had was Charlie was not his true love. Charlie died in season one, but it was made clear that she was going to die anyway, so going back and saving her from Sylar was an empty gesture at best.

Hiro's actual true love was Yaeko, the blacksmith's daughter, who was presumably raped and tortured by Adam Monroe the second Hiro went back to the future. That's a far worse fate than death. But he leaves poor Yaeko to that and rescues Charlie instead... why? Because the actress who plays her, Jayma Mays, is on the show Glee. So, in the end, Hiro doesn't really even get a real romantic connection, but just a little fluff around a cheap walk on.

Kobayashi who? Joey Chestnut what? The best eaters have always and will always come from cartoons. Great eaters aren't made, they're drawn. Cartoon characters can eat massive amounts of food, often in one bite, with little to no ill after effects. Cartoon eaters came in two sizes: ultra fat and model skinny. Most are super strong, but all of them are supernatural eaters.

Great cartoon eaters come from all corners of the world, and represent different things to different cultures. In Japan, huge eaters are heroic... often lumped together as the good natured, slow witted strong man. Innocent, invincible, and with insatiable appetites. Large meals apparently fuel their punching power and fireballs. American and western animation often depict the big eater as the total opposite. Fat, slovenly, and cowardly, often clumsy and almost always comic relief. When bad guys attack, nine times out of ten they're cowering in closet clutching a hoagie.

Top 12 Cartoon Eaters

12. Wayne Gretzky (ProStars) – Not much is known about the mythical Wayne Gretzky. We know he skates, on what or for what purpose anthropologists still have no clue. We know he's blond and possibly Canadian. And that's it, that's all the data available. So, when they made ProStars (a cartoon about athletes who for some reason have to save the children) the producers had to make up all kinds of Gretzky tidbits like some fictional sport named “hockey” and his incredible appetite. I presume they made Gretzky such a big eater because of his vague resemblance to Shaggy.

11. Winnie the Pooh (Winnie the Pooh) – Winnie got his honey filled butt stuck in a tree trunk trying to eat more honey. That pretty much sums it all up. The view of most Winnie the Pooh fans is that heart disease is ok because it's just plain adorable. Pooh bear (as they call him in the hood) ate so much honey, I assume that real bears must love honey. If a bear attacked me in the woods, I would throw honey at it and assume I'd be just fine as it gets its head stuck in the pot. Winnie the Pooh's stomach has ruined my chances for wilderness survival.

10. Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece) – Luffy is perhaps the dumbest and hungriest fighters in anime. Perhaps the dumber an anime character is the more he has to eat to make up for said dumbness. Luffy has a rubber body and stomach that makes it easy to stuff in vast quantities of food (powers he got by... yes, eating. A magic fruit in Luffy's case). Rubbery arms also makes it easier to steal from other's plates. Luffy even eats when he's sleeping.

9. Nibbler (Futurama) – Nibbler is actually not much of a nibbler. He's more of a swallower. A swallower wholer... of mostly living animals. With skinny eaters, the joke, of course, is that no matter how much they eat—2x, 8x their body weight—they stay razor thin. Nibbler isn't merely skinny, Nibbler is tiny. He makes a great pet though since you don't need to cook his food (a whole zebra will do), his stool is dark matter, and he's sentient. Let the The Feast of a Thousand Beasts begin!

8. Naruto (Naruto) – Naruto is a ninja and a ramen eating machine. Naruto is another simple minded, yet powerful Japanese character. And as eaters go, he's just a couple of steps beyond what a real person eats, but he has a demon fox sealed in his stomach, so that has to count for something. The reason Naruto is so high is because he's so indelibly linked to his food of choice. As ninja turtles are to pizza, Naruto is to ramen. His favorite ramen dish involves hard boiled eggs... that sounds like a great fat kid bet (as in, I dare you to eat this, fat kid). Remember that ramen is super high in calories, so it's extra impressive he manages to stay so thin.

7. Monterey Jack (Rescue Rangers) – Monterey Jack has a fever and the only cure is more cheese. Monty actually has a pretty bad cheese addiction, a Chip N' Dale intervention is probably in order. His severe cheese withdraws cause sweats, hallucinations, and the shakes. Not to mention, the mere scent of cheese makes Monty float, a quality of all good fat cartoon characters... that and sucking the meat off of chicken bones.

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Great parody by Jeff Loveness and Prussian Sunset. I love Wes Anderson and I love Spider-Man, so I would have no problem if this movie actually existed.

I'm a Sam Raimi fan, but the project has to move on, and Sony and Marvel could actually do worse than Anderson. Rushmore is one of my favorite movies, and Spider-Man 2 is my favorite comic book flick, so let's make this happen. I'm serious. He did a fun job with Mr. Fox, I'm sure he could handle Spidey. Maybe, the big face off is a bit of a let down, but the entire Spider-Man 3 was a let down, so who cares?

I felt after Spider-Man 3, Raimi seemed kind of done, his webshooters were dry as they say. I don't think it was his fault it was awful though. The person I would love to see banned from a new Spider-Man franchise is Avi Arad, chief creative officer of Marvel Entertainment. He's the one who pushed Venom into Spider-Man 3. If he's involved it will just be about making toys and selling merch.

Of course, the other problem with Spider-Man 3 is the lack of respect for the source material. One problem with all comic book movies is that the screen writers think they're better than comic book writers, so they feel confident that whatever trash they put together will be inherently better than a comic book simply because they themselves are better than comic book hacks. It's this hubris that is ultimately the undoing of most comic book films.

Comic books have a vast mythology and legend associated with them, and whether or not it's intentional or by accident is irrelevant. To ignore this mythology is giving a middle finger to every comic book fan that ever lived. And, of course, Spider-Man 3 is just one gigantic middle finger. The essential problem though is that Venom is a promotional character created for the sole purpose of dollars and cents. There is no myth worth telling. Here's the comic book back-story on the symbiote in case you didn't know. During the Secret Wars (A mega Marvel cross-over pitting every superhero vs. every supervillain created by marketing douchebag, Jim Shooter), Spider-Man tore his costume up and needed to use a costume making machine, but went through the wrong door and found an evil symbiote machine instead. No lie, that's the story. There is lots of substance to the Eddie Brock character and Venom, but still at the end of the day he's just a wrong door.

But anyway, no matter who they tab to revive the Spider-Man franchise, whether it's Marc Webb or whoever, let's hope it's someone with the right balance of goofiness and reverence, and with the gnards to say, "Avi Arad, you're kind of an idiot." My vote's for Anderson