Wolf Gnards

Scientific Illustration of Tachyon Particle

By far my favorite bit of Sci-fi voodoo... a little deus ex tachyon particles. Meaning when in doubt throw in some tachyons. Are you a screen writer, and have you written yourself into a corner? No need to fear, tachyon particles are here. Call it a MacGuffin, call it technobabble, call it anything you want, the tachyon is your way out. What can a tachyon do, you ask? What can't they do? Spilled some red wine? Tachyons and club soda will get that right out. Killer shark off the coast? Explode some tachyons in its jaws. Have a friend trapped behind enemy lines? Give that tachyon a gun?

What is a Tachyon?

A tachyon is a hypothetical subatomic particle that move faster than the speed of light. Unlike ordinary particles (bread crumbs, Legos, and such), a tachyon's speed increases when energy decreases, which means once set in motion the tachyon particle would keep moving on and on, faster and faster. Being a subatomic particle also means it's much smaller than your average Lego, making a tachyon not particularly useful for travel. In science fiction and hypothetical theory, tachyons are used for transporting not people, but data, mostly for interstellar communication. However, if tachyons are used to “phone home” you run into a slight dilemma known as the “Tachyon Telephone Paradox.”

The Tachyon Telephone Paradox

Faster than light communication sounds awfully cool, but there's a hitch: the tachyon telephone paradox. If you use tachyon particles to place a phone call (sometimes called the tachyonic anti-telephone), you'll end up sending the call before you actually make the call. This is home it works, as an object approaches the speed of light, time actually slows down, and once a object actually passes the speed of light (which a Tachyon would eventually do), time moves backwards. So, your call would actually arrive to your outpost or destroyer fleet before you actually even made the call. Is this why my iPhone drops so many calls?

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A nice disembodied head represent all that mankind hopes to aspire to. This is life everlasting. For a head. A giant head harkens back to birth as in an oversized baby's head—big and full of life—but simultaneously it represents all that can be known for surely a living head is filled with knowledge. Innocence and wisdom, magic and science. And severed heads are just fun for the whole family.

Here are some the top disembodied heads, be they floating or giant or both.

Chesire Cat

Alice in Wonderland's Chesire Cat possesses undefined and potentially unlimited powers that include invisibility, transmogrification, and teleportation. He's kind of like Firestorm or Houdini, but more kittenish. In fact, like most kittens the Chesire Cat has evil running through his veins, but the adorable kind of evil. Chesire Cat's greatest ability though is his complete immunity to head offing, because how can you off with his head someone without a body?

King of the Moon

Combine Terry Gilliam's native strangeness with an unlimited bloated budget and Robin Williams with an unlimited supply of cocaine and what you have is the King of the Moon. The King of the Moon from The Adventures of Baron Munchausen is a gigantic head that attaches to a body through matching plates and can fly off into space like a pop top. The King of the Moon separated himself from his body to keep his intellect away from the body's baser more sexual needs.

Wilson

Wilson is perhaps the greatest actor of our time. Wilson is one of the biggest grossing volleyballs of all time. I liked that Wilson had actual lines written for him in the script fro Cast Away, but I hated hearing that Robert Zemeckis read the lines out as they shot. Can't you just let Wilson do it himself? I think it takes away from what Wilson was able to do on screen. That's like hearing that Gollum or Yoda wasn't real.

The Head of Richard Nixon

Of all of Futurama's heads in jars (God bless you Ron Popeil), Nixon is perhaps the greatest head of all. Not only had Nixon not been in office for 40 plus years when Fururama was made, but he had been dead for nearly 10 years when it first ran. Originally just another head in the illustrious Hall of Presidents, Nixon's head would go on to become President of the Earth and start intergalactic wars with just about every alien race available. Billy West described the voice he used as not an imitation of Nixon, but of Anthony Hopkins's imitation of Nixon with “a little bit of werewolf,” thrown in.

Sinistar

Tons of video games have featured various floating heads in space be it floating Medusa head or some sort of alien zombie super being. Perhaps, heads in video games started with the classic goomba, which are little more than walking mushroom heads just waiting to be stomped on by Mario's heavy work boots. Or way back to Pac-man himself—a pizza shaped head that eats cherries and ghosts. Sinistar, though, is the standard in video game heads. Sinistar is a giant robot skeleton head that eats spaceships and shouts about Ron Howard. Beware, I live!

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Or Don't Mess with Small Asians

I've already talked at lengths about Data and Rufio, so I feel I must compete the trinity with Mr. Ernest Reyes, Jr. Together they form Voltron: Defen... no, that's not right, though it would be awesome. Of the Asian actors of the 80's and 90's these three were always at the top of the list. If you needed bad gadgets and baseball cap wearing, it was Jonathan Ke Quan. If you needed a little bangarang, look no further than Danté Basco. But if you needed someone who was small and could kick ass, there was only one choice: Ernie Reyes, Jr. For the younger generation, Ernie Reyes, Jr. is probably best known for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Reyes also starred in Red Sonja, Sidekicks (TV series), and Surf Ninjas, which also costarred Rob Schneider who is neither believable as A) a surfer, B) a ninja, or C) a human being. He more recently hosted MTV's Final Fu and performed stunts in movies like The Rundown and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. However, those of us with sense and good taste will best remember Ernie from The Last Dragon. Sho'Nuff!

Let us go back to a simpler time when DeBarge was topping the Billboard charts (Who's DeBarge?) and Berry Gordy produced bad martial arts flicks. Let us bow our heads and remember The Last Dragon. As you recall, Bruce Leeroy was ambushed by cartoonish mercenaries (there's, at least, one Mongolian warrior) at a disco while trying to rescue his veejay girlfriend. I wish I was making this up, but this is in fact the plot of the movie. When all seems lost his Kung Fu students suddenly come to the rescue (about 50 more than were in his actual class), and before this scene none of them actually knew Kung Fu (Bruce Leeroy only taught poorly acted Confucius sayings)--since his students are mostly Asian, however, it's assumed that karate is in their DNA. Then Ernie Reyes, Jr. happens and the whole movie gets better. Other things not to overlook in the scene: Bruce Leeroy's brother using break dancing to escape ropes and fat, albino Mr. T (the very worst kind of Mr. T). Enjoy...

The greatest thing about Ernie Reyes, Jr. was he could actually fight; he has trained in Taekwondo since he was four. Which in turned saved me from ever having to actually fight myself growing up because of the off chance that I would suddenly unleash insane martial arts moves. Nobody wants to get beat up by a small Asian kid, so it's best to stay away from them unless you know for sure that they are not finely tuned killing machines.

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I've lived in Chicago almost 10 years and the one question that I keep asking myself over and over is what the hell parade are they at in Ferris Bueller's Day Off? I've been to many a Chicago parade and none have seemed so fun, so happy, and so full of dance.

My first thought was the Chicago Gay Pride parade, which might explain the sudden outbreak of choreographed dance. However, the Pride parade takes place well after high school graduation and doesn't run through downtown Chicago. It could be the St. Patrick's Day parade, but the water isn't green (Chicago dyes the river every year), and the crowd has a general lack of green... and beer.

As it turns out the parade in the film was an actual parade. John Hughes shot the scene during the Von Steuben Day parade with real by-standers, most of whom were surprised to see Matthew Broderick singing "Danke Schoen." The Von Steuben Day parade is a German-American Parade (which explains the dancing German girls) that is held at the end of September. Problem is the movie doesn't place in September. What we know is that the movie takes place toward the end of the school year (numerous mentions of graduating soon) and after baseball season has begun (hey-batter-batter-batter-swing-batter). This means Ferris Bueller's Day Off takes place somewhere between the beginning of April and the middle of June.

Major holidays that fall between April and June include Easter, Secretary's Day, National Day of Prayer, Mother's Day, Armed Forces Day, Memorial Day, and Flag Day. Of these, there are actual Easter parades and Memorial Day parades. There's also a Polish Constitution Day Parade that takes place in the beginning of May. The problem is the Easter, Memorial, and Polish Constitution Day parades all take are celebrated either on the a Saturday or Sunday, and since Ferris is taking a day off, these parades would be highly unlikely. Of the other holidays the only two to fall on a weekday in 1986 are Secretary's Day and the National Day of Prayer.

So, unless there was some praying I missed in the film (Cameron did go to Egypt Land), I'd have to assume the parade in Ferris Bueller's Day Off was a very special Secretary's Day parade. Or the Abe Froman Memorial Meat Day parade. Or the Leopard Print Appreciation parade.

Val Kilmer Likes Breakfast

Some of you may remember Val Kilmer from movies (no, it's true, he was in genuine moving pictures), some of them actually very good, a lot of them not. He has the classic career destruction: he went from staring roles in good movies, supporting roles in good movies, staring roles in bad movies, supporting roles in bad movies, voice of KITT. On a long enough trajectory all great actors will eventually be reduced to the voice of KITT (Mr. Feeny, anyone?). But, maybe, this just prepared him for his greatest role of all... owner and proprietor of his very own Bed & Breakfast.

Why make blockbuster movies when there's beds to be made and breakfasts to be had? Why work out when you can have a second breakfast? Why study lines when there's pancakes around? And this is how Val Kilmer's career has spiraled out of control. If you ever wondered what was filling that cod piece in Batman Forever, it was bacon.

As you can clearly see as Kilmer's career has gone down, his biscuits and gravy intake has increased.

Though, if you thought the saddest part of this story was Val Kilmer opening a Bed & Breakfast you'd be wrong. The saddest part is he's having a hard time opening a Bed & Breakfast. His New Mexico community is outraged that Kilmer is turning his 6000-acre Pecos River Ranch into a B&B, not because they have anything against hash browns but because of remarks Kilmer made in 2003 Rolling Stone. He was quoted as saying that he lived in "the homicide capital of the Southwest" and that "80 percent of the people in my county are drunk."

Which also begs the question, why would you want to sleep or eat in the murder capital of the world? That's not the way to draw customers to your Casa de Kilmer.

Neighbors tried to block Kilmer in a formal community hearing, however, Kilmer won the crowd over with a heartfelt apology and by explaining how he was grossly misquoted. As in the homicide capital of the Southwest isn't as bad as the homicide capital of the Northeast, and 80 percent of the people in the county are drunk... on love. Say what you want about his career, Kilmer's still got some acting chops.

Though, I'd like to think that since Val Kilmer is a method acting that all this is leading to the greatest B&B movie of all time. Perhaps about a down-on-his-luck actor forced to turn his palatial mansion into a semi-profitable Bed & Breakfast (Of course, there will probably be a scene where he raises funds at a bikini car wash). And all of Kilmer's career choices since Heat were all in preparation for this movie because he had to be an authentic has been for the movie. It could culminate in some sort of eating contest between Kilmer and Steven Seagal.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who like Back to the Future II and those who like Back to the Future III. This is like Bloods vs Crips, Burt or Ernie, Team Edward vs Team Jacob. They have a lot in common, yet are fundamentally different. Wait, you say, what about the original Back to the Future? Well, of course, no one would choose II or III if the first was on the table. So, forget about the first movie for a second, and take your pick.

If you like Back to the Future II, you generally look to the future. You're very impressed by things that float, i.e. hover boards, flying cars, wood, ducks, Michael Phelps, wooden Michael Phelps (with or without duck feathers). You have a good sense of humor; you're easily amused, and it's easy for you to amuse others. Do you like short cuts? Hell, yes! Why work hard in life when you can just buy a Grays Sports Almanac? Of course, such plans rarely work out and usually end with someone getting struck by a bolt of lightning. You take chances though, and you're more than willing to work hard to clean up any mistakes (such as any pesky temporal paradoxes). And much like at the end of the movie, your day ends with the words, “To be Concluded...” meaning you're not big on finishing what you started, though you are pretty good at Wild Gunman, so you got that going for you.

Back to the Future III is for those who like to look towards the past. You analyze history and make logical decisions based off that history. Much like the Doc, you're alive and well, you're stuck in the past, but you're alive. Basically, your friends need to have seen every movie in the 80's to even get half of your references. You're also more into the plot than special effects, although, you often mistake this for good taste. And you're perfectly alright with people calling you yellow (most likely because you've never been in any sort of fight). Boring, predictable, with a penchant for ZZ Top style beards, yet ultimately a romantic at heart. One thing is for certain though BTTF III fans are much better with picking up the ladies:

Ultimately, we're all the same though because everyone's favorite Back to the Future movie is the first one. Let's not concentrate on our differences, but on our similarities. Roads, we don't need roads... the power of love and all that nonsense.

To be Continued at the Gunaxin podcast...