I love cosplay girls or, at least, I love the idea of cosplay girls. Who are they? Where do they come from? And, most important of all, why do they come from? As in why? Why do they do things that they do do (doo doo)? And in particular I love Whovian cosplay girls. I don’t understand them, but dammit I respect them. And, maybe, I wouldn’t say respect either, but I have good-humored bewilderment for them. It’s their unending ability to turn anything sexy, and it’s that ability that makes me believe there’s something primal about the Dr. Who girls. Dr. Who cosplay is an exercise in scifisexification (to turn things sexy which shall not be sexy).

Dr. Who certainly wasn’t the first example of this, it may not even be the best example, but it’s quintessential. The sharp increase in sexy female versions of the 11th Doctor alone is fascinating. But don’t take my word for it, enjoy:

Sexy Doctor

via camiyak.tumblr.com

via CollegeHumor

Claudia Wells played Jennifer Parker, Marty McFly’s girlfriend, in the first Back to the Future movie, but was replaced by Elisabeth Shue in Back to the Future Parts II & III. Now under any regular circumstance I would shout, “Hell yeahs, Elisabeth Shue!” However, this is Claudia Wells we’re talking about. Even as a young lad upon watching BTTF II, I asked myself why would they purposely make Jennifer less hot? I mean they had a perfect looking actress who was height appropriate to Michael J. Fox, what else could they want? Did it serve some sort of story element or a plot point that she needed to be a little less good looking? Maybe, no one would have believed Claudia would have settled for a down and out Marty.

Everyone thinks that Claudia was replaced because Michael J. Fox was eternally young and, maybe, she didn’t age well in the four years between films. Though they probably would have replaced her with a younger actress if that was the case and Shue is three years older. So, what happened? The story is Wells’s mother was diagnosed with cancer during the filming of the first Back to the Future and she stopped acting sometime shortly thereafter. We can only imagine what could have been: Wells starring in such classics as The Saint and Hollow Man (and I do realize that Elisabeth Shue’s most critically acclaimed role, Leaving Las Vegas, came after BTTF but that’s just not as funny as Hollow Man).

What became of our Jennifer? Claudia currently owns a male clothing store, Armani Wells (she can measure inseam anytime… ugh, I’m sorry), or at least she did the last time her IMDB page was updated. What else? Not much. Judging by pictures on the internet she’s also doing various Back to the Future conventions… a lot of BTTF conventions.

But we can always go back to Back to the Future and remember when…

Telltale Video Game Jennifer

And here she is today!

Something has changed about Claudia, although, I haven’t really seen her since the only time I’ve ever seen her and that was in the movie. However, something is different. Or somethings are different. Our little Jennifer has grown up in all kinds of ways. I guess I can just close my eyes and remember the old Jennifer (the old, young Jennifer), the same way I did when Elisabeth Shue took over the part.

A few weeks ago when I was looking up pictures of Bill Gates (as one often does), I stumbled across these pictures of Bill Gates's so-called “daughter,” Jennifer Gates. To say I was skeptical would be an understatement. However, just because she's cute doesn't mean she can't be of or related to Bill Gates, it just makes it unlikely. Ivanka Trump came from Donald after all, even Chris Elliott managed to produce Abby Elliott. A hot enough mom will make up for any of inefficiencies with the father's contribution. A 10 mom and a 4 dad should produce, at least, a daughter who's a 7. Although, it's almost never as mathematically even as that. DNA is unpredictable, hotness can come from almost any combination of ugly genes. Even unfortunateness like Bruce Willis face and Billy Joel face can happen.

But back to Bill Gates. The problem is being a well known connoisseur of cute brunettes, I was instantly able to identify this picture as Rachael Leigh Cook (even as unbrunette as the pictures may be). Ever wonder what happened to Rachael Leigh Cook? No. Well, I have, and apparently she's been posing as Bill Gates's daughter at cocktail parties. So, how did Ms. Cook get embroiled in these internet shenanigans? Maybe, it was penance for the awful movie Antitrust, which also starred Tim Robbins as a Bill Gates wannabe if Bill Gates was the world's nerdiest Bond villain. Or, maybe, it's because Bill Gates's wife, Melinda, looks vaguely like Cook if you squint real hard and rubbed Vaseline all over your computer screen (now how I knew there was Vaseline by your computer screen is the real mystery). One reason Rachael could have been used in this prank is since she hasn't done anything in 10 years, she's recognizable enough to seem familiar, but not to actually pinpoint who she is... unless, of course, you're a Rachael Leigh Cook superfan (which I am). It's anonymity without being actually anonymous. You know her, but you don't know her, so her being Jennifer Gates is entirely possible.

From what I could tell this particular rumor started as a chain letter then someone added the clever tag line “The Best product from Microsoft,” to the photos and from email to email it replicated into internet fact. And if enough people say Jennifer Gates starred in She's All That then it must be true. But why are we so ready to believe? That's the thing that really fascinated me about all the websites and YouTube videos that promoted these pictures as the genuine article. Not that so many people simply believed them to be true, but how readily and obediently they believed them to be true. Like I said, when you see the truth, you'll see that it is not Bill Gates's daughter that bends, it is only yourself. We believe that Cook is Gates's daughter because we need to believe it.

Why we want Jennifer Gates to be Hot

The first reason, the simple reason, is it's a bonus. Every programmer dreams this dream: you code your little hearts out in school, get hired by Microsoft, meet Bill Gates's daughter at orientation, woo said daughter after orientation, marry daughter in first week, and never work again. Now this fantasy unfolds no matter what his daughter looks like, but it becomes a bonus when she's hot. Anyone would jump on top of Rachael Leigh Cook regardless of how many billions of dollars she was set to inherit.

But the deeper reason we want her to be cute is the rabbit hole cute leads down. Cute goes to Hot goes to Slutty. A hot daughter is a curse we wish on Bill Gates, a pox on his family. There's nothing but bad days when your once sweet little girl becomes Paris Hilton. Okay, so you 56 billion dollars, it doesn't make up for your daughter starring in a night vision fueled sex romp. A small part of us wants his daughter to be beautiful on the very, very off chance we can marry into the Gates fortune. This is minute even in fantasies. The larger part of us wants her to be hot so we can see this end badly.

I've talked a bit before about beautiful actresses who try to steal our hard-earned geek money. I've always thought there is something slightly disingenuous about actresses who make a good part of their living at comic cons: they don't want to be talked to by us or touched by us, but they certainly like our money good enough. At the end of the day, however, we fans know that we're being taken advantage of on some level and we're actually glad to be taken advantage of. So, why?

In all my investigations, something odd struck me about two geek temptresses in particular. Summer Glau and Olivia Wilde have both starred in heavily fanboy related projects: Cowboys & Aliens, Firefly, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, The Cape, and Tron: Legacy. And they both have insanely huge heads. Does this mean there is some kind of correlation between head size and geek appeal?

Big Brains

One possible reason we love those big headed girls could be because we associate big noggins with big brains. What's more we associate big brains with ourselves, so we associate them with us. But the truth is there could be anything going on inside those heads: Shakespearean quotes, Jeopardy! factoids, binary code, air, creamy nougat, peanut butter, bacon fat. Just about anything really. We assume that they're smart and, maybe, they are, or, maybe, their mammoth skulls are just casing very ordinary minds.

Gravitational Pull

We are attracted to them because we are literally attracted to them. The force of gravity generated by their heads compels us to them. We are pulled in by their big eyes (and big heads) and think that there's something there—an emotional bond—when really there's nothing but orbit.

Lollipops

Who doesn't love candy? Over 2 billion dollars worth of candy is sold in the US every year, that's about 22 pounds of candy per person. And what do humongous heads on teeny tiny bodies look like? Lollipops. So, who wouldn't love someone with the head shaped as one of your favorite foods? Personally I'm waiting for that special someone with a head shaped like a taco. Perhaps, these human Pez dispensers transport us back to a simpler time, a time in our childhoods when things were sweet. By resembling the candy of our youth, they tap into a powerful nostalgia. Is this why I want to lick Olivia Wilde's face? Maybe.

Chunk

Because they look vaguely like Chunk from The Goonies (Our second favorite Goonie... our favorite is here). Not that they look particularly like Jeff Cohen or like any fat child actors, but their heads have the actual overall shape of Chunk. When Summer Glau does the Truffle Shuffle it is something truly beautiful to watch. Does the Mark of the Fat Kid bring them down to our level? Can they understand what it's like to be a Goonie—a goon docks outcast—or are they just waiting for Troy to swing by with all his rich stuff?

Or maybe small bodies with large heads simply look good on film.

Or big heads are just awesome.

Blogger's note: I actually had a terrible time finding pictures of either Olivia Wilde or Summer Glau that didn't have the tops of their heads entirely cropped out or almost cropped out of frame. Whether this is evidence of Bigheaditis (aka Gigantism) or a coincidence that every single photographer or photo editor who ever worked with them cropped their heads the same exact way every single time is anybody's guess.

Examples:

It's strange that animal rights has virtually the same advertising campaign as beer. Drink this beer, you get this girl... and twins. It's the same thing for lettuce: sexy girls eat salad and if you'd like to be a sexy girl or pick up a sexy girl the place to do it is a salad bar. However, this goes beyond PETA ads, because it's not just a simple subliminal message. It happens in real life, too. Most PETA protests somehow inevitably involve women half naked wearing only cat ears trapped in cages. It's as if they're finding excuses to get naked.

I love when they dig Elvira up for Halloween, you know it's fall when the leaves are falling and Elvira's boobs are heaving. Year after year... after year this goes on, and I have no complaints. So, how has Elvira managed to capture our imaginations for these 80 odd years? Arcane ritual? Deal with the devil? Great makeup and an even better plastic surgeon? Nope. When you break down the historical and psychological precedences, it's easy to see Elvira's lasting appeal.

Succubus

Who can resist the femme fatale? Or a femme fatale from hell? Elvira was heavily based off of Vampira, but she represents more than that. Elvira represents all the female ghouls of the world: the Vampiras, Vampirellas, the Mortiticia Addamses, the Lily Munsters, the Brides of Draculas, the sirens, the succubi. Vampira was so angry at Elvira's popularity that she actually sued Elvira for infringing on her sexy vamp look. However, as you can see, the sexy vamp is as old as time. There's something primeval about the succubus, about the temptress from beyond the grave who will lead man astray.

Funny Girls

Like the vampire and other monsters, Elvira represents another mythical creature: The funny girl. Ladies, of course, I'm only kidding; vampires are real. This is actually why Vampira failed in her lawsuit because while her character was dark but rather wooden, Elvira was dark with personality. Elvira's two main comic weapons, torpedoes if you will, are innuendos and double entendres. Often compared to a “macabre Mae West,” the similarities don't end with just their sense of humors: they both wore wigs... big, round, soft, voluptuous wigs.

So, the appeal of Elvira is basically combining two sexual icons of the mid 20th century (Vampira & Mae West) and two mythical concepts (Succubus & Funny Girls). This is a woman who can be as sinister as anyone and funny as hell.

The chart below further demonstrated Elvira's historical appeal: