Wolf Gnards

Probably one of the top 10 Saved by the Bell charts in existence right there behind the Rod Belding to stewardess to whitewater rafting pie chart (A Building with two Beldings one of whom is Balding). Two things missing from the Jessie Spano Caffeine Chart... a more complete depiction of Hot Sundae and Jessie passing out a la Alex P. Keaton but Alex P. Keaton was on amphetamines and she had three cups of coffee. via Flavorwire and Nathaniel James, thanks for the heads up Lee.

Other oddities...

How Does Bulbasaur Work? A better question might be where does all the water come from in SSquirtle? Is it vomit? Spit? Or a combination of the the two?

Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard embroidered for Granny nerds everywhere.

James Lipton apparently wrote the Thunder Cats theme song. That's weirder than Alan Thicke, not any of the theme songs he wrote, just him period. via Nerd Bastards

Star Wars Burlesque! Things are getting hot on Hoth.

Or the Tale of Amber Lamps

Who is Amber Lamps? Amber Lamps is the vaguely cute, pseudo hipster girl in the background of the Epic Beard Man video. Or more precisely, Amber Lamps is the girl my co-worker is crazy about. Every day he comes in more wound up than the day before. “I have to find her,” he says. “I have to have her. She's... my density (Density has popped me to you).” If you don't know, Amber sits on a bus and watches the action unfold without a care in the world or seemly any interest at all. And for that she drives us crazy... there's tribute songs and everything. But why? For her? Amber Lamps is a case of bus hot, bus hot in a spectacular way even, but bus hot all the same. Much like Einstein and physics hotness is only relative.

Physical attractiveness is based on comparison, this is exactly why cute girls have ugly friends. And in the vast spectrum of hotness, there's bus hot, work hot, school hot, almost any kind of hot. In many circles, I'm considered sewer hot, as in surround me by various sewer dwellers (i.e. rats, alligators, Norton, ninja turtles, mole men) and suddenly I become very hot. And this scaling hotness is why fashion magazines have the inevitable ability to make women feel bad about themselves because suddenly they've dropped (through no fault of their own) one rung less hot. If magazines and media open up the channels of hot then conversely isolation decreases the channels of hot.

The bus is like a desert island, and once those doors close we are cut off from the rest of civilization. Take the movie Cast Away for example, isolation from humanity made a volleyball a wonderful companion. Now Tom Hanks never wanted to make sweet love to Wilson (at least, not in anything they showed on film) but they did become the best of bosom buddies. With no one to talk to an inanimate object becomes the best available companion. A hierarchy would go beautiful person > average person > ugly person > beautiful animal > ugly animal > beautiful object > ugly object. So, he'd rather talk to a dolphin than a cow, or the Mona Lisa than a volleyball, but given all that was available, the volleyball become the best available companion for Tom Hanks.

The bus works the same way. It offers similar possibles because Jessica Alba does not exist on the bus, therefor since Jessica Alba does not exist in the eyes of the bus, the next girl in line becomes the Jessica Alba and so on and so forth. Simply put, the average become cute, the cute become beautiful, and the beautiful become something other worldly, something that only internet meme's can describe. Fig. A. 1 demonstrates the bus before the doors have closed with open access to the world. We can see everything for who they are. Fig. A. 2 demonstrates the closed bus system, notice the striking increase in beauty. However, the figures are not to scale, it should be noted that the ugly also become uglier. The bus is such a strange and wonderful world because of the already heavy concentrations of ugly, making those rare beauties so much more beautiful.

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With an all new Spider-man movie on the horizon, we get to go back to the age old debate of mechanical web-shooters vs organic web-shooters. With a second chance, do film makers go with the new or return to the old? Ten years ago the idea of anything but Spidey's mechanical web-shooters was blasphemy—something of venomous debate, at the least—but three Spider-Man films later (two of them good), and it really turned into something of a non-issue. The casual moviegoer just cares that Spider-man is web slinging and swinging around town, and not so much how he's slinging.

Oh, just thinking of it makes me want to strap on my web-shooters and swing like I've never swung before, swing, swing, SWING, feel the wind through my hair... No, no, back to web-shooters.

Mechanical Web-Shooters

Mechanical web-shooters are the standard for all web-shooters. As a kid, I must admit that I didn't understand if Peter Parker had spider powers why did he need a device to shoot webs. The reason it's a mechanical device is because spider's in nature do not shoot webs, they spin webs much the same way your grandmother knits a horrible Christmas Sweater. The original idea Marvel was to shoot webs at bad guys, and in the first design by Jack Kirby, Spider-man had a web gun (he also had a web shield and was a little more than a Captain AmeriSpider). Steve Ditko changed the design to the wrist mounted web shooters we all know and love, why? Because it's cool, that's why. And also because if a Batman has cool gadgets, surely a Spider-man would have gadgets just as cool.

How do they work? Spider-Man's web-shooters are steel bracelets with a trigger on the palm that releases a pressurized stream of web fluid. Typically held in tiny web cartridges, all of which conveniently fit under his form fitting Spider-Man costume. The trigger is pressure gauged for his two fingers and that's why he does his little devil horns. This is so Spidey can make a fist and open doors and go to the bathroom without getting webs everywhere. Although a pressure spring shouldn't really be able to tell the difference between 65 pounds of pressure from two fingers or four fingers or leaning against a wall. The trigger causes web fluid to spray, becoming a hardened sticky string with exposure to air. Web fluid being a synthetic polymer adhesive not entirely unlike nylon, and its this web fluid that will eventually lead to creation of organic web shooters.

Organic Web-Shooters

Back in days of yore, around 1991, James Cameron and Co. came up with the legendary “scriptment” that contained the now infamous “organic web-shooters.” Cameron might not have come up with the idea, but it was his will and fame that kept it in script after script until Sam Raimi arrived on the scene. The idea was that it's simply unbelievable for a high school student (as nerdy and science clubby as Peter Parker may be) to invent anything even remotely resembling the web fluid. It was Raimi's belief that if an actual scientist can't make web fluid then Parker would have no chance. So, instead of inventing a device, Peter mutated spinnerets in his forearms.

This is just another classic example of screenwriters thinking they're better than comic book writers. The real reason producers couldn't let go of the organic shooters was because it came down from upon the mountain... from James Cameron himself (Cameron's initials are J.C., Jesus's initials were J.C.... coincidence?). Film makers prodded Marvel so much about these organic web-shooters being better, that comic writers were actually forced to incorporate them into the comics! Yes, Peter Parker grew wrist spinnerets, and they worked exactly the same as the as original web-shooters, he even had to still use his devil horn trigger finger.

My problem with the organic web-shooters is the explanation. Raimi said they did this for believability, but if the audience was willing to suspend disbelief enough that a radioactive spider give a teenager super spider power, I don't think you'll lose them with mechanical web-shooters. In fact, wrist mounted web slingers are actually the most believable element of the whole Spider-man mythos. Other things that don't exist in real life: the Batmobile, adamantium, invisible jets, and jets boots, hand repulsers, unibeams, and just about every bit of Iron Man technology.

The organic web-shooters are actually far less believable because spiders do not produce webs through any of their eight legs. The spinnerets are located at the rear of the spider's abdomen, or, in the case with human/spider hybrid, on Peter Parker's ass. Yes, Spider-man would have to swing from his butt and fart at the Green Goblin. A biologist on the this History Channel's Spider-Man Tech, I think trying to be a little more discrete, suggested that our salivary glands could conceivably mutant to produce webbing, but definitely not his wrists. Additionally, the artificial webbing was designed to dissolve after an hour (great for cleaning up after spider parties), if Peter Parker produced his own webbing, there's no telling how long it would last. Spider-man would most likely poop out enough webbing to encase New York City several times over.

If Spaced taught us anything, it's that every odd number Star Trek film is crap. But the greater question, perhaps the unanswerable question, is who is the best Star Trek captain? Friendships have ended over this, brothers against brothers, wives against husbands, good men have lost their lives over this. We can spit out endless data, figures, countless fake histories, and Kobayashi Maru results ad infinitum, and it won't change a thing. Some people simply gravitate to Kirk, some people gravitate to Picard, and some people are even partial to Janeway. Your choice of Star Trek captain says more about who you are than who they are as a captain.

What does your favorite Star Trek captain say about you?

Captain Christopher Pike – The Antagonist

Pikes are a distance sort with little in the way of communication besides the odd beep and blip. Liking Captain Pike says you have little self confidence. You are so closed in and sheltered that you identify with the most obscure captain possible. If Trekkers have problems relating to everyday life, Pikers have trouble relating to everyday Trekkers. And most likely Pike fans just like to argue for the sake of argument, when they do muster up social courage, it's mostly just so they can pick a fight.

Captain James T. Kirk – The Go-Getter

Kirk fans are a bit of a contradiction, they like to live life and they like to live it hard, but in the most out-of-date, predictable ways possible. Chauvinist? Yeah. Drunks? Probably. Pudgy? Almost always. The one thing about Kirk fans that you have to admire is they are not quitters, they are not afraid to fall and they are not afraid to get back up again. And don't get into an argument about who the best Star Trek captain is with them because they will not give an inch. They would rather cheat, lie, and go down in flames than give up.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard – The Problem Solver

The thinking man's captain, or, at least, the captain of the men who think they're thinkers. During Star Trek debates, they're cool and calm, 100% sure of Picards awesomeness. They take their time, analyze all sides of the problem, but once the decision is made there is no wavering. They say, “Engage,” or “Make it so,” and it's done. They're not always right, but they're always well thought out. Side not: whereas Captain Kirk fans think they're great loves, Picard fans actually are great lovers. The reason Picard was bald was because he was over brimming with such raw animal sexuality.

Captain Benjamin Sisko – The Humdrum

Captain Sisko was the captain of a space station, which means if you like Sisko, you are someone who is going nowhere. Star Trek as a series was about boldly going where no man has gone before, Deep Space 9 was about boldly staying in the same spot. Sisko fans are not bad decision makers necessarily, as long as all decisions maintain the status quo. Captain Sisko fans work the same job year end and year out, eat the same foods, go the same places (which are all roughly within walking distance of their apartments). Choosing Sisko also says you are a black nerd, or you enjoy sleeping with black nerds, or the thought of sleeping with a black nerd has crossed your mind.

Captain Kathryn Janeway – The Kiss Up

Not too many fans walk the way of the Janeway, not even hardcore feminists. In fact, most feminist would probably pick Picard. Janeway fans, for the most part, either don't have fully formed penises or do not have fully functioning penises. Mostly Janeway says that you're either a hermaphrodite or have erectile dysfunction. Seriously, if you're a fan of Janeway it's only because there is a cute little trekkie girl you're trying to impress with your open minded Janewayness. They are not impressed. Those type of girls only go for Kirks or Siskos.

Captain Jonathan Archer – The Optimist

Paramount executives would like to believe that Archer fans are nostalgic for the future, that was probably the pitch of Enterprise. Not so. Archer fans really, really, really loved Quantum Leap. In fact, they're still looking forward to all those Quantum Leap made-for-TV movies NBC promised us. Better get cracking Donald P. Bellisario. Archer fans also saw Necessary Roughness and Lord of Illusions in the theater, and are still pretty upset about that, too. Scott Bakula ... B+. Jonathan Archer... F-. Archer fans lived in the hoped Enterprise would get better just as they lived in the hope that Quantum Leap would return.

P.S.
Even as a confirmed Asianphile, picking Sulu (Captain of the USS Excelsior) is just wrong and sad.

Kobayashi who? Joey Chestnut what? The best eaters have always and will always come from cartoons. Great eaters aren't made, they're drawn. Cartoon characters can eat massive amounts of food, often in one bite, with little to no ill after effects. Cartoon eaters came in two sizes: ultra fat and model skinny. Most are super strong, but all of them are supernatural eaters.

Great cartoon eaters come from all corners of the world, and represent different things to different cultures. In Japan, huge eaters are heroic... often lumped together as the good natured, slow witted strong man. Innocent, invincible, and with insatiable appetites. Large meals apparently fuel their punching power and fireballs. American and western animation often depict the big eater as the total opposite. Fat, slovenly, and cowardly, often clumsy and almost always comic relief. When bad guys attack, nine times out of ten they're cowering in closet clutching a hoagie.

Top 12 Cartoon Eaters

12. Wayne Gretzky (ProStars) – Not much is known about the mythical Wayne Gretzky. We know he skates, on what or for what purpose anthropologists still have no clue. We know he's blond and possibly Canadian. And that's it, that's all the data available. So, when they made ProStars (a cartoon about athletes who for some reason have to save the children) the producers had to make up all kinds of Gretzky tidbits like some fictional sport named “hockey” and his incredible appetite. I presume they made Gretzky such a big eater because of his vague resemblance to Shaggy.

11. Winnie the Pooh (Winnie the Pooh) – Winnie got his honey filled butt stuck in a tree trunk trying to eat more honey. That pretty much sums it all up. The view of most Winnie the Pooh fans is that heart disease is ok because it's just plain adorable. Pooh bear (as they call him in the hood) ate so much honey, I assume that real bears must love honey. If a bear attacked me in the woods, I would throw honey at it and assume I'd be just fine as it gets its head stuck in the pot. Winnie the Pooh's stomach has ruined my chances for wilderness survival.

10. Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece) – Luffy is perhaps the dumbest and hungriest fighters in anime. Perhaps the dumber an anime character is the more he has to eat to make up for said dumbness. Luffy has a rubber body and stomach that makes it easy to stuff in vast quantities of food (powers he got by... yes, eating. A magic fruit in Luffy's case). Rubbery arms also makes it easier to steal from other's plates. Luffy even eats when he's sleeping.

9. Nibbler (Futurama) – Nibbler is actually not much of a nibbler. He's more of a swallower. A swallower wholer... of mostly living animals. With skinny eaters, the joke, of course, is that no matter how much they eat—2x, 8x their body weight—they stay razor thin. Nibbler isn't merely skinny, Nibbler is tiny. He makes a great pet though since you don't need to cook his food (a whole zebra will do), his stool is dark matter, and he's sentient. Let the The Feast of a Thousand Beasts begin!

8. Naruto (Naruto) – Naruto is a ninja and a ramen eating machine. Naruto is another simple minded, yet powerful Japanese character. And as eaters go, he's just a couple of steps beyond what a real person eats, but he has a demon fox sealed in his stomach, so that has to count for something. The reason Naruto is so high is because he's so indelibly linked to his food of choice. As ninja turtles are to pizza, Naruto is to ramen. His favorite ramen dish involves hard boiled eggs... that sounds like a great fat kid bet (as in, I dare you to eat this, fat kid). Remember that ramen is super high in calories, so it's extra impressive he manages to stay so thin.

7. Monterey Jack (Rescue Rangers) – Monterey Jack has a fever and the only cure is more cheese. Monty actually has a pretty bad cheese addiction, a Chip N' Dale intervention is probably in order. His severe cheese withdraws cause sweats, hallucinations, and the shakes. Not to mention, the mere scent of cheese makes Monty float, a quality of all good fat cartoon characters... that and sucking the meat off of chicken bones.

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According to legend, The Masters of None Morning Show was discovered in a abandoned radio station in Punxsutawney, PA. These are the wacky morning men that Bill Murray listened to every day for 8 years, 8 months, and 16 days... and, of course, it drove him crazy. I would have killed myself too if this is what I woke up to every day for a lifetime. Is it real? I don't know. Take a listen to the special Groundhog Day radio show and decide for yourself.

It's a goof, but it's a hell of a goof. Masters of None did a great job putting this together this fake broadcast. The sound effects and the effort just blew me away. And they got the Groundhog Day All-Stars to participate, which I guess includes me now. More than me though, they got Needle Nose Ned Ryerson (Mr. Stephen Toblowsky)... bing. That's star power (and I mean that without a hint of sarcasm, too). Wolf Gnards is actually negative star power (or as my Mom says, "If you're so famous, why haven't you been interviewed by Matt Lauer?"), so Ned Ryerson is a pretty big get. I can't even get Data from the Goonies to give me a call back. Everyday I call him up and every day he tells me hold on to my potatoes, whatever that means.

But listen as I butcher their poor podcast. I play a clueless phone caller, who happens to be actually be clueless in real life. I had no idea what was going on, and it really comes through in my performance. I didn't even get the six more weeks of winter question right. This is why I do the typing and not the talking so much. It was a lot of fun to call though, and Masters of None is a fun bunch. Check it out.