Wolf Gnards

I was going to do a follow up about our classic Groundhog Day piece, but I figured I still have six weeks, so what’s the rush?

In the mean time, enjoy these other Groundhog Day stories:

Visit the film locations in Woodstock, IL! Maybe, it's time for a pilgrimage.

Groundhog Day: Where are they now? It turns out Bill Murray had a pretty good little career after the movie.

12 things you probably didn’t know about the movie “Groundhog Day” unless you’re a dork like me.

Why did Bill Murray keep going back in Groundhog Day? Instead of rehashing my how long article, they actually asked something important... why?

Groundhog Day’s lost radio tape, not really, but it does have me acting poorly in it. And by “acting poorly” I mean just being actually awkward and stupid.

When Mrs. Gnards asks, "What ya thinking about?" If I'm being truthful, the answer is usually ninjas. What’s it like to be a ninja? What do ninjas dream about (throwing stars)? Why do ninjas do what they do? To this point, a staple to many an action movie is the swarm of ninjas getting their collective asses kicked by a lone warrior. It’s what’s become known as the inverse property of ninjas: the more ninjas you see, the weaker they are. It works for almost any large group, too: whether you’re Mr. Miyagi beating the crap out of underage teenagers or Neo facing an army of Agent Smiths. The odds are almost never in the group's favor. Be more afraid of a ninja by him or herself than a horde of ninjas. Usually because said horde line up in a neat single file row and successively get roundhoused in the face. Do they not teach how to block a roundhouse in ninja academy? Do ninja masters buy bulk ninjas at Costco? Why do Ninjas always attack one at a time?

Too Dark for Group Attacks

Ninjas wear black and attack mostly at night. Black on black is great for stealth, but bad for seeing what your teammates are up to. Ninja invisibility just makes it plain hard to coordinate attacks.

And while the night is excellent for hiding in, it’s also hard to get around in the pitch dark. Especially, consider some ninjas have to wear those mesh goggle things. They can’t possible see what’s going on. Though, lack of sight increases the other senses like smell or touch. Ninjas actually travel by holding on to the ninja in front of them (who sniffs around). Sort of like a ninja conga line or a group of preschoolers crossing the street. Meaning they get led into battle one after another, or roundhouse after roundhouse.

Ninjas are Stupid

Let’s look at the Foot Clan for one. In the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle films, the Foot Clan is comprised mostly of homeless teens willing to work for videogames and soda. So, becoming a Foot Soldier is really just another foot note in a series of unfortunate life decisions. Never do they ask, “Hey Shredder, it seems like the Foot is really just a giant pyramid scheme with me doing most the work and you getting most the money. So, instead of letting me skateboard indoors and play NARC, how about you share some of the wealth?” But that’s the kind of forward thinking that leads to things like coordinated attacks.

In the TMNT cartoon, the Foot Soldiers were robots. As robots go, they were highly advanced, but not highly advanced killing machines. As ninjas go, they were just plain horrible. They pretty much walked into the Turtles’ attacks. Being robots also made it easier for the Ninja Turtles to mow down their opponents without having to explain the moral dilemma of killing for pizza to kids watching Saturday morning cartoons.

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I got a lot of positive feedback about the Full House article, along with a lot of suggestions for new articles. Sage advice like, "You should do more articles like that?"

"Like what?"

"That are good."

The small amount of positive feedback has made me realize that people prefer things that are good to things that are bad. But good takes time though. And effort. And work. And caring. All things that I am not into. I'm researching a few things though, spending a lot time going through the microfiche and whatnot, but it's taking longer than I'd like.

In the meantime, here are other people posting things that are good:

Video Game Pop-up Book

The Top 10 Hardest Working Characters in Comics - I like superheroes who are like myself, generally recognized as super but still working 9 to 5.

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pizza Taste Test - This is tasting the pizzas that were featured on the TMNT cartoon, not with a mutant ninja turtle topping (I'm not even sure where you'd get little chopped up mutant turtles to put on a pizza)

Continued from Part I

As you might have read earlier for some unknown reason, Busy Beaver Buttons asked me to make a superhero button. I said yes as I don’t need to be asked twice to self promote, but the problem then arises that I have to actually make a button. Or do anything in general, which is not really my bag. If you wonder why I only do an update about once a week, it’s because coming up with ideas and committing to ideas is just exhausting (especially when there’s more important video games to be playing). You would think if I was designing a superhero themed button it’d be easy. That I would just slap a cape on a wolf and call it day, but I went with Taft instead. Who's the fat president that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Taft, ya, damn right.

The Real Man Behind the Button

William Howard Taft is my favorite president because while he is the only man to ever serve as both the President of the United States and Chief Justice of the United States, he will best be remembered for getting stuck in a bathtub. I just like a fat president, or a fat guy in general. Marlon Brando is better fat. Steven Seagal: better fat. Val Kilmer: better fat. In politics though, it’s like hot chicks that have fat friends to make themselves look hotter; the same thing works with president. You look more politically savvy when you stand next to the politically portly.

Who’s that dynamic, well-informed leader of men standing next to Taft, you ask.

Why that’s Wolfie G. Nards, they say.

My god, he’s as sexy as he is up on current politics. Fantastic.

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I'm lazy and instead of writing anything new, I'm going to watch reruns of Twin Peaks. I could do something new, but you know... TV. As the chart will demonstrate, it seems the more free time I have the lazier I get, or that I work better with zero to no pressure and when deadlines are something hazy in the distance. The closer deadlines come, the more likely I am to roll over and play dead, and generally hope that someone else will take care of the problem. So, instead of me doing new things, enjoy these things other people have made. Plus, I'm lazy.

But onward to less lazy people:

Came across this adorable Johnny 5 in Scott Campbell's "Great Showdown" during my various research trips into the world of Short Circuit. Research like this and that. I'm scholarly.

Fat Guy Acts Out Animal Memes. Sometimes I think, Hey, I'm a fat guy. I like memes. I can be an animal. But then I don't.

Mystique’s True Origins

What if video games were around during the silver age of comics? by Rusty Shackles (not to be confused with Rusty Shackleford)

This is mostly for my co-workers, but really applies to anyone trying to contact me. “But who would want to contact you,” you ask. Good question, but you’d be both surprised by the number of people who need to reach me on a daily basis and how bad they are at doing it. Here are the worst to best ways to contact me:

15. Morse Code – Dot, dot, what?
14. Pony Express - Or any sort of delivered mail (horse or not). By this point in my life, I know the size and shape of all my bills, so whatever does not fit into that size and shape goes into a pile never to be looked at again. Bills go into a smaller separate stack to be looked at… someday.
13. Email - I used to be pretty good at checking email until years of signing up for various services and purchases made online have turned my email into a wasteland.
12. Twitter DM - Direct Messaging on Twitter works great if working great is to let spammers auto message me to tell me how much they’re looking forward to my Tweets. Sometimes they use my name and that makes me feel special.
11. Office Phone - For reasons unknown when answering my office phone I forget both how to use a telephone and how to hold basic conversations. Most phone calls follow thusly: Um…. uh… what… um… yeah… um… uh… um… what?
10. Facebook Message - There’s usually, at least, 30 new messages to me whenever I log onto Facebook, and I’m far too lazy to read 30 different messages in a row. If it’s important they’d send a Twitter DM.
9. Facebook Post - Same as above, but a post instead. Honestly, I might respond better to a poke because that, at least, would display on my screen until I do something about it. But then again my only response would be, “What kind of pervert would poke me.”
8. Cell Phone - A cell phone call is a little better because only VIPs have my cell number, but I rarely either have my ringer on or near my person. Most likely neither.
7. Tweet - This has become one of the better ways to contact me. It won’t be timely, but if you @ me then I will see it, and if it’s relevant, funny, or important I may even respond.
6. IM - An Instant Message should be great but my work computer has no sound and sometimes I don’t notice it blinking on the bottom. And also I don’t like you very much, so if I see it’s you, it’s easy to ignore.
5. Text Message - I like a Text Message because if I ignore it or don’t notice it, it’s not that big a deal if it takes me a half hour to respond.
4. Candygram - I do like candy. I like people giving me candy. And I probably would read most messages attached to candy. I would also respond to Singing Telegrams.
3. Smoke Signal - While I cannot read or understand smoke signals, I do respond quickly to fire and the danger thereof.
2. Paper airplane or Nerf football - Throwing something at my head is sadly the second most effective method to gain my attention. Although, it does come with a retaliation to be named later.
1. Turn around and ask me

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