First – He’s kind of a dick, right?

Second - Fair enough.

Despite popular belief, I’ve had some hits: the Groundhog Day article, Zooey Deschanel’s bangs, and my Full House/Joey conspiracy to name a few. I don’t use Bill Murray, of course, as my yardstick for success because if you compare yourself to Murray-y goodness, you’re always going to be disappointed. That being said, maybe, 30 articles have garnered measurable, significant traffic. Meaning that leaves hundreds of articles what have never really been seen. Let’s look at some of them.

My Favorite FAIL-ures

These are my heart breakers. After each and everyone one of these posts, I expected to be carried on shoulders and have babies named after me (Gnards is a great name for a boy or a girl). And instead… crickets.

How much money Bill Cosby paid for sweaters – this is still one of my favorite posts. I figured out Bill Cosby’s character, Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, spent around $80000 on sweaters. That’s more than any reasonably human being should pay for sweaters.

The reason I think it failed was this picture:

And as awesome as Bill Wheaton is, it’s also creepy and distracting. Instead of processing the wonderful brain candy of sweater prices, all you see is Bill Cosby on Wil Wheaton’s body.

Aquaman’s fishwiener – An article of and pertaining to the anatomies of comic book mermen. Written mostly from a place where I was tired of fangirls mooning over Prince Namor (because 50% chance dude don’t got a penis… just sayin [also, knowing that most fangirls would still rather be with Namor than me… they’re just sayin]).

Can a werewolf dunk? – Yes. Looking back on it, that should have been the entire article. Michael J. Fox dunked in Teen Wolf, so you don’t need a long winded explanation that werewolves can dunk a basketball. Still, I remember writing this one and I remember literally thinking I was going to break the internet because of how awesome this was. The internet remains intact.

How to shoot your eye out – I actually waited until the holidays to post this one. I had it written than I sat on it because I wanted this to have a timely Christmas release. Because everyone sits around thinking about shooting their eyes out between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I thought that thought before I posted this! It didn’t matter. Apparently, the rest of the world is not nearly as confused as to what shooting your eye out means. And feel free to explain because I'm still confused.

Gremlin Reproduction – I think I had more fun photoshopping the pictures than writing the article. The post is probably so generic I could have renamed it: Something, something Gremlins, Remember That Movie, Right? Also, it’s gross.

Of course, under all of these articles is another layer of crap that I would prefer to remain buried.

The Riker Maneuver

I watched a lot of episodes of TNG and I never noticed this, and now I can't not notice it. I think I was always more obsessed with Riker's beard, maybe, that's what he wanted though. Focus on his beard, miss what's happening below. It's such a powerful Riker move though, too. Of course, that's the way he sits, it's the only way he knows how. It's not just hopping over the chair back (they are not big on back support in the future), there's a lean in component, too, where Riker is really entering into some uncharted personal space (I was going to say, "crossing the neutral zone," but I thought that be too much [but the I did!]).

Is this how everyone sits in the future? Is this cool in the future? Or is he like Rodge from What's Happening!! (Google it, kids)? Is this a learned behavior or was he born like this? Well, it's a good thing for us that William Riker has a duplicate, Thomas Riker. Someone pull the footage and see how Thomas sits, I can't do everything, folks.

Also...

The Monster Squad (Modernized)

Not too much to say actually, just a regular Monster Squad trailer with Inception-like BOOONGS edited in. But if you like Monster Squad (which I do) and if you like BOOONGS (which I do), you may like this. BOOONGS don't make everything better, but they don't hurt either.

I actually think if they really did do an honest, modern take on this today (as in what if they were really editing the trailer now), either it would be more like Scary Movie 16, heavy on Wolfman fart jokes and the Creature shouting, "DAAAAMN!" or like a Rob Schneider movie, "Sean Crenshaw was just your average teenage boy until one day..."

We live in a golden age.

Big Wolfie is very excited. Tiny Thing less so.

That's right I went with my O-Face! This is the same face I use when given gifts or blocks of cheese or blocks of cheese as gifts. This is the face I use when my singing group has a big audition and I have to take caffeine pills to practice. This is supposed to be my most excitable, most Muppet-like expression.

I couldn’t even be roused to do my annual Groundhog Day post. So, here’s a picture of Bill Murray as a werewolf instead. Just because.

Beware the WereMurray

But before I go about making promises of regular updates (which I most likely will not be keeping… but keep clicking back everyday just in case!), let’s take a look at 2012 in our completely untimely 2012 year in review!