What Do Pokémon Eat?

Or Soylent Green is Pokémon

Pikachu Sandwhich

In the modern Pokémon world there is no food chain—I mean they fight, all they do is fight—but there is no predator/prey relationship. There are no carnivores or herbivores or omnivores. So, how do they survive? Instead all Pokémon seem to enjoy the same brown bits that Brock doles out of little plastic baggies. So, kibblivore? Be they electric, ghost, rock, bug, or water type they all enjoy Pokémon Brand X Kibbles. However, saying that the natural food for Pokémon is Brock’s secret stash is like saying a cat’s natural food is Meow Mix. Brand X Pokémon Kibbles are made from condensed & processed berries (and if they're anything like real life pet food then the ground up bones and organs of other Pokémon, too). Berries are fairly plentiful in Pokémon games and can cure any number of ailments, so I can see why a Pokémon would enjoy them. But this means all Pokémon no matter where they live—in a cave, underground, underwater—have to seek out berries for nourishment. Imagine bats, gophers, dolphins all needing to survive off the same berries.

However, as I delve ever deeper into the world of Pokémon eating habits, I find that I was quite wrong about there not being predator/prey relationships. Way back before the games designers realized there might be a bit of a moral dilemma in cute and cuddly and very sentient beings eating other cute and cuddly sentient beings, Pokémon hunted Pokémon. (Of course, there’s no moral dilemma with making these cute and cuddly sentient beings fight until they drop). According to the original Pokémon Handbook's entry for Pidgeot it states that "When they hunt, Pidgeot fly on the surface of the water at top speed to catch unsuspecting Fish element prey like Magikarp." Mmmmmm... Magikarp.

Pokémon then are theoretically all vegetarians with the cartoon and video games taking the stance that eating a vegetable is okay, but eating a Pokémon is not. However, some Pokémon are vegetables. Does this mean it’s okay to eat Bulbasaur? So, the line has to be drawn further: vegetables that cannot say their own name are okay to eat, vegetables that can say their own name are not okay to eat.

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Why do Ninjas Attack One at a Time?

When Mrs. Gnards asks, "What ya thinking about?" If I'm being truthful, the answer is usually ninjas. What’s it like to be a ninja? What do ninjas dream about (throwing stars)? Why do ninjas do what they do? To this point, a staple to many an action movie is the swarm of ninjas getting their collective asses kicked by a lone warrior. It’s what’s become known as the inverse property of ninjas: the more ninjas you see, the weaker they are. It works for almost any large group, too: whether you’re Mr. Miyagi beating the crap out of underage teenagers or Neo facing an army of Agent Smiths. The odds are almost never in the group's favor. Be more afraid of a ninja by him or herself than a horde of ninjas. Usually because said horde line up in a neat single file row and successively get roundhoused in the face. Do they not teach how to block a roundhouse in ninja academy? Do ninja masters buy bulk ninjas at Costco? Why do Ninjas always attack one at a time?

Too Dark for Group Attacks

Ninjas wear black and attack mostly at night. Black on black is great for stealth, but bad for seeing what your teammates are up to. Ninja invisibility just makes it plain hard to coordinate attacks.

Ninja conga line

And while the night is excellent for hiding in, it’s also hard to get around in the pitch dark. Especially, consider some ninjas have to wear those mesh goggle things. They can’t possible see what’s going on. Though, lack of sight increases the other senses like smell or touch. Ninjas actually travel by holding on to the ninja in front of them (who sniffs around). Sort of like a ninja conga line or a group of preschoolers crossing the street. Meaning they get led into battle one after another, or roundhouse after roundhouse.

Ninjas are Stupid

Let’s look at the Foot Clan for one. In the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle films, the Foot Clan is comprised mostly of homeless teens willing to work for videogames and soda. So, becoming a Foot Soldier is really just another foot note in a series of unfortunate life decisions. Never do they ask, “Hey Shredder, it seems like the Foot is really just a giant pyramid scheme with me doing most the work and you getting most the money. So, instead of letting me skateboard indoors and play NARC, how about you share some of the wealth?” But that’s the kind of forward thinking that leads to things like coordinated attacks.

In the TMNT cartoon, the Foot Soldiers were robots. As robots go, they were highly advanced, but not highly advanced killing machines. As ninjas go, they were just plain horrible. They pretty much walked into the Turtles’ attacks. Being robots also made it easier for the Ninja Turtles to mow down their opponents without having to explain the moral dilemma of killing for pizza to kids watching Saturday morning cartoons.

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Cyberspace Madness: Because I Felt Like It

I got a lot of positive feedback about the Full House article, along with a lot of suggestions for new articles. Sage advice like, "You should do more articles like that?"

"Like what?"

"That are good."

The small amount of positive feedback has made me realize that people prefer things that are good to things that are bad. But good takes time though. And effort. And work. And caring. All things that I am not into. I'm researching a few things though, spending a lot time going through the microfiche and whatnot, but it's taking longer than I'd like.

In the meantime, here are other people posting things that are good:

Dr. Who Cat

Video Game Pop-up Book

The Top 10 Hardest Working Characters in Comics - I like superheroes who are like myself, generally recognized as super but still working 9 to 5.

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pizza Taste Test - This is tasting the pizzas that were featured on the TMNT cartoon, not with a mutant ninja turtle topping (I'm not even sure where you'd get little chopped up mutant turtles to put on a pizza)

Greek Tragedy: The True Paternity of the Girls on Full House

John Stamos is Greek. He’s really Greek. As in he’s really into being Greek, and he plays Greek roles, and he promotes Greek products. John Stamos is so Greek (How Greek is he!?), he’s so Greek that he had the producers of Full House change the character of Uncle Jesse from Jesse Cochran to Jesse Katsopolis. Now I have no problem with Greek pride or Jesse being Greek—the world keeps spinning, the Rippers keep ripping—my problem is are we seriously supposed to believe that those three little blonde girls are half Greek?

Girls on Full House

D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle are three very blonde and very blue-eyed girls. It is, of course, possible to be blond and Greek, but three of them!? That’s highly unlikely. As a pop cultural scientist and amateur sleuth (and an honorary member of the Mary-Kate & Ashley Adventure Squad), I’ve found that recessive genes like light hair and eyes are much harder to pass down to the next generation. For every trait we have—be it blond hair, blue eyes, or general Greekitude—we inherit a gene from both our mother and father with one being a dominate gene and one being a recessive. So, you need two recessive pairings to create blond hair and blue eyes. For more information on hereditary traits, please, consult your local library. I’ll wait.

What this all means though is that it would be difficult to pass on light hair and blue eyes in a very dark hair, brown eyes Greek culture. However, their mother, Pam (Christie Houser), was shown to be blonde on, at least, one very special episode. So, she would have inherited two recessive blond genes and two recessive blue-eyed genes from her parents (who were depicted as stereotypically Greek), and while I said before it is unlikely to happen in Greeks, it is still possible. About a 1 in 16 chance at best. Now the greatest way for Pam to pass on blonde hair and blue eyes to her girls would be to mate with someone who also has those same recessive genes. Since, Bob Saget’s Danny Tanner (and I guess to a larger extent Bob Saget himself) has brown hair and brown eyes; the best they could possibly do to have a child with both blue eyes and blond hair is 1 in 4. This means while he himself has the dominant brown hair genes, he does possess the blond genes within.

The following chart should help demonstrate this. Dominant genes are shown by a capital letter. Recessive genes are lowercase of the same letter.

Pam & Danny Mix

  Danny Tanner
Pam Tanner

HE He hE he
he HhEe Hhee hhEe hhee
he HhEe Hhee hhEe hhee
he HhEe Hhee hhEe hhee
he HhEe Hhee hhEe hhee

(H) stands for dark hair, (h) for blond hair. (E) stands brown eyes, (e) for blue eyes.

So, the odds of D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle all being blonde with blue eyes are not good. (And for any geneticists reading this, bare with me OK, I said I’m an amateur sleuth) If Pam wanted a brood of mini-mes, she would want to mate with something else also with blond hair and blue eyes. Who in her circle of friends possess those qualities? Who in the world fits that description? Oh, someone like Joey Gladstone perhaps.

Pam & Joey Mix

  Joey Gladstone
Pam Tanner

he he
he hhee hhee
he hhee hhee

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How to make a Button (or I’m Just Talkin’ ’bout Taft)

Continued from Part I

As you might have read earlier for some unknown reason, Busy Beaver Buttons asked me to make a superhero button. I said yes as I don’t need to be asked twice to self promote, but the problem then arises that I have to actually make a button. Or do anything in general, which is not really my bag. If you wonder why I only do an update about once a week, it’s because coming up with ideas and committing to ideas is just exhausting (especially when there’s more important video games to be playing). You would think if I was designing a superhero themed button it’d be easy. That I would just slap a cape on a wolf and call it day, but I went with Taft instead. Who's the fat president that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Taft, ya, damn right.

Wolf Gnards Button

The Real Man Behind the Button

William Howard Taft is my favorite president because while he is the only man to ever serve as both the President of the United States and Chief Justice of the United States, he will best be remembered for getting stuck in a bathtub. I just like a fat president, or a fat guy in general. Marlon Brando is better fat. Steven Seagal: better fat. Val Kilmer: better fat. In politics though, it’s like hot chicks that have fat friends to make themselves look hotter; the same thing works with president. You look more politically savvy when you stand next to the politically portly.

Who’s that dynamic, well-informed leader of men standing next to Taft
, you ask.

Why that’s Wolfie G. Nards
, they say.

My god, he’s as sexy as he is up on current politics. Fantastic.

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Beavers and Wolf Gnards and Shawnimals… Oh My!

Busy Beaver Button Co, best known for dancing beavers (and affordable buttons, I guess), is launching a new button series for their Button-O-Matic vending machines: Superheroes! And naturally they needed some heroes to design these super buttons. So, they scoured the Internet to find the very best geeks with tons of superhero and design street cred. The kind of people who would be invited to secret button design tournaments to the death on remote private islands (if they had secret button design tournaments to the death on remote private islands)… and for some reason Wolf Gnards. Here are the details:

Busy Beaver Button Company
Button-O-Matic Release Party
3279 W. Armitage
Chicago, IL 60647
Friday, September 9
6 – 9 PM

And check out the Who’s Who of featured artists:

Jeffrey Brown – Comic book writer and artist of Clumsy, Bighead, and Cats are Weird.
Lilli Carré - From the highly regarded Tales of Woodsman Pete and even an MCA exhibit.
Anders Nilsen – Of Big Questions fame. Dude’s even got a tour.
Laura Park – New York Times Bestselling illustrator of Middle School, The Worst Years of My Life.
Travis LampeIllustrator and vinyl toy designer.
Jay Ryan – Famous poster maker and squirrel guy.
ShawnimalsInventor of ninjas with mustaches. NINJAS with MUSTACHES!
Cakespy - Writer-illustrator and head spy at dessert detective agency.
Box Brown – Successful webcomic artist of Bellen! and Retrofit Comics. Also known for his Hobo themed wedding, and his hobo themed backlash.
OhNo!Doom - Chicago artist collective of designers, illustrators, and plush artists. Each one more capable and talented than myself.
And our very own Wolfie G. Nards – Best known for liking Bill Murray.

All of which meaning that I am the least famous person asked to make a button. Like this is some serious nerd envy. These people have Wikipedia pages. My god, Wikipedia pages! How do I compete with that? I can’t even guarantee that I’m the biggest Bill Murray fan. For all I know, Laura Park has a shrine to What About Bob? in her bathroom. But what I lack in celebrity status, I make up for in plug appeal. Beaver, you’ve been plugged!

Wolf Gnards Fame Chart

Continued in Part II: Same button time, same button channel!