Greek Tragedy: The True Paternity of the Girls on Full House

John Stamos is Greek. He’s really Greek. As in he’s really into being Greek, and he plays Greek roles, and he promotes Greek products. John Stamos is so Greek (How Greek is he!?), he’s so Greek that he had the producers of Full House change the character of Uncle Jesse from Jesse Cochran to Jesse Katsopolis. Now I have no problem with Greek pride or Jesse being Greek—the world keeps spinning, the Rippers keep ripping—my problem is are we seriously supposed to believe that those three little blonde girls are half Greek?

Girls on Full House

D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle are three very blonde and very blue-eyed girls. It is, of course, possible to be blond and Greek, but three of them!? That’s highly unlikely. As a pop cultural scientist and amateur sleuth (and an honorary member of the Mary-Kate & Ashley Adventure Squad), I’ve found that recessive genes like light hair and eyes are much harder to pass down to the next generation. For every trait we have—be it blond hair, blue eyes, or general Greekitude—we inherit a gene from both our mother and father with one being a dominate gene and one being a recessive. So, you need two recessive pairings to create blond hair and blue eyes. For more information on hereditary traits, please, consult your local library. I’ll wait.

What this all means though is that it would be difficult to pass on light hair and blue eyes in a very dark hair, brown eyes Greek culture. However, their mother, Pam (Christie Houser), was shown to be blonde on, at least, one very special episode. So, she would have inherited two recessive blond genes and two recessive blue-eyed genes from her parents (who were depicted as stereotypically Greek), and while I said before it is unlikely to happen in Greeks, it is still possible. About a 1 in 16 chance at best. Now the greatest way for Pam to pass on blonde hair and blue eyes to her girls would be to mate with someone who also has those same recessive genes. Since, Bob Saget’s Danny Tanner (and I guess to a larger extent Bob Saget himself) has brown hair and brown eyes; the best they could possibly do to have a child with both blue eyes and blond hair is 1 in 4. This means while he himself has the dominant brown hair genes, he does possess the blond genes within.

The following chart should help demonstrate this. Dominant genes are shown by a capital letter. Recessive genes are lowercase of the same letter.

Pam & Danny Mix



  Danny Tanner
Pam Tanner

HE He hE he
he HhEe Hhee hhEe hhee
he HhEe Hhee hhEe hhee
he HhEe Hhee hhEe hhee
he HhEe Hhee hhEe hhee

(H) stands for dark hair, (h) for blond hair. (E) stands brown eyes, (e) for blue eyes.

So, the odds of D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle all being blonde with blue eyes are not good. (And for any geneticists reading this, bare with me OK, I said I’m an amateur sleuth) If Pam wanted a brood of mini-mes, she would want to mate with something else also with blond hair and blue eyes. Who in her circle of friends possess those qualities? Who in the world fits that description? Oh, someone like Joey Gladstone perhaps.

Pam & Joey Mix



  Joey Gladstone
Pam Tanner

he he
he hhee hhee
he hhee hhee

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How to make a Button (or I’m Just Talkin’ ’bout Taft)

Continued from Part I

As you might have read earlier for some unknown reason, Busy Beaver Buttons asked me to make a superhero button. I said yes as I don’t need to be asked twice to self promote, but the problem then arises that I have to actually make a button. Or do anything in general, which is not really my bag. If you wonder why I only do an update about once a week, it’s because coming up with ideas and committing to ideas is just exhausting (especially when there’s more important video games to be playing). You would think if I was designing a superhero themed button it’d be easy. That I would just slap a cape on a wolf and call it day, but I went with Taft instead. Who's the fat president that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Taft, ya, damn right.

Wolf Gnards Button

The Real Man Behind the Button

William Howard Taft is my favorite president because while he is the only man to ever serve as both the President of the United States and Chief Justice of the United States, he will best be remembered for getting stuck in a bathtub. I just like a fat president, or a fat guy in general. Marlon Brando is better fat. Steven Seagal: better fat. Val Kilmer: better fat. In politics though, it’s like hot chicks that have fat friends to make themselves look hotter; the same thing works with president. You look more politically savvy when you stand next to the politically portly.

Who’s that dynamic, well-informed leader of men standing next to Taft
, you ask.

Why that’s Wolfie G. Nards
, they say.

My god, he’s as sexy as he is up on current politics. Fantastic.

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Beavers and Wolf Gnards and Shawnimals… Oh My!

Busy Beaver Button Co, best known for dancing beavers (and affordable buttons, I guess), is launching a new button series for their Button-O-Matic vending machines: Superheroes! And naturally they needed some heroes to design these super buttons. So, they scoured the Internet to find the very best geeks with tons of superhero and design street cred. The kind of people who would be invited to secret button design tournaments to the death on remote private islands (if they had secret button design tournaments to the death on remote private islands)… and for some reason Wolf Gnards. Here are the details:

Busy Beaver Button Company
Button-O-Matic Release Party
3279 W. Armitage
Chicago, IL 60647
Friday, September 9
6 – 9 PM

And check out the Who’s Who of featured artists:

Jeffrey Brown – Comic book writer and artist of Clumsy, Bighead, and Cats are Weird.
Lilli Carré - From the highly regarded Tales of Woodsman Pete and even an MCA exhibit.
Anders Nilsen – Of Big Questions fame. Dude’s even got a tour.
Laura Park – New York Times Bestselling illustrator of Middle School, The Worst Years of My Life.
Travis LampeIllustrator and vinyl toy designer.
Jay Ryan – Famous poster maker and squirrel guy.
ShawnimalsInventor of ninjas with mustaches. NINJAS with MUSTACHES!
Cakespy - Writer-illustrator and head spy at dessert detective agency.
Box Brown – Successful webcomic artist of Bellen! and Retrofit Comics. Also known for his Hobo themed wedding, and his hobo themed backlash.
OhNo!Doom - Chicago artist collective of designers, illustrators, and plush artists. Each one more capable and talented than myself.
And our very own Wolfie G. Nards – Best known for liking Bill Murray.

All of which meaning that I am the least famous person asked to make a button. Like this is some serious nerd envy. These people have Wikipedia pages. My god, Wikipedia pages! How do I compete with that? I can’t even guarantee that I’m the biggest Bill Murray fan. For all I know, Laura Park has a shrine to What About Bob? in her bathroom. But what I lack in celebrity status, I make up for in plug appeal. Beaver, you’ve been plugged!

Wolf Gnards Fame Chart



Continued in Part II: Same button time, same button channel!

Gayed by the Bell: Lesbian Adventures at Bayside High

Tori Scott
Lisa Turtle

After my examination of the Chuck Cunningham Syndrome, some readers were a little upset that I just glossed over Tori on Saved by the Bell. As if some great explanation was actually needed to explain what Chuck Klosterman dubbed the “The Tori Paradox.” They wanted a cosmetic event, a wormhole, or planetary alignment to rationalize why Tori was in some episodes, while Kelly and Jessie are in other episodes. When the truth is probably a little simpler: Tori and Lisa were lesbians.

Now I’m not talking about anything happening on the set, or between Leanna Creel and Lark Voorhees. In real life, we know what happened. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkley were in a contract dispute, NBC wanted more episodes, they wouldn’t star in them, all of which led to Lisa Turtle needing a new pretend BFF. So, in walked Leanna Creel as new girl and resident tough chick with a heart of gold, Tori Scott. Tori’s job was to fill up just enough episodes to get those crazy kids to graduation, where she could then promptly vanish without a trace. However, Tori was only in 10 episodes of the last season (the last real season), and instead of having 10 consecutive Tori episodes NBC alternated Tori with Kelly/Jessie episodes of SBTB… creating a universe where Tori and Kelly/Jessie cannot occupy the same space at the same time (sort of like the movie Time Cop but with fewer full splits). But the problem wasn’t a space-time anomaly that caused a rift in the Tori Paradox, but Kelly and Jessie’s own prejudice to Lisa’s relationship.

In the reality of the show (or unreality), it wasn’t that Kelly and Jessie were physically unable to exist with Tori, it’s that they chose to not be around when Tori was near. They snubbed her, but were essentially snubbing Lisa. You have to remember how conservative these girls were. Kelly’s the All-American Girl: a wholesome girl from a large family of gun nuts. There are a lot of conservative values that go into volleyball and part-time jobs at the Max. And while Jessie had all the trappings of a liberal activist, how often did she actually help a real person? It was always some faceless cause that has little to do with helping people and more to do with her own self-righteousness. Take a good hard look at her in those high waisted jeans, she wears her jeans like her attitude. Jessie was in student government, she was all about her grade point average, and getting into an Ivy League School. She was basically just a pill popper only concerned with getting good grades and maintaining her perfect public image. Having lesbian friends doesn’t get you into Stansbury after all. Ousting Lisa would seem like the more humane thing to do. The Bayside gang did the same thing to Kelly when she cheated on Zack with Jeff. If you did something considered taboo, they would cut you out of the clique. Or take when Jessie didn’t want to dance with the guy who was shorter than her, she didn’t even want to be seen with someone outside the statistical norm. These are girls who wouldn’t risk their popularity and social status because Lisa felt the need to experiment.

So, if they were lesbians, how come all of Bayside High didn’t know about it? Because Lisa was the school gossip and she wasn’t about to gossip on herself. Which also explains why she was so obsessed with secrets because she had secrets of her own. As we go further and further into Lisa and Tori’s relationship, it all starts to make a lot of sense. On one end you have Tori Scott: the tough biker chick. (we know this because she wears a leather jacket… she even wore a leather jacket with a toga). Perhaps, you could even call her butch? She’s a drifter, a woman with a past, and somehow, someway she managed to resist both Zack and Slater (and Screech and Mr. Belding if you want to include them). Inconceivable! And on the other end, you have Lisa Turtle: daddy’s little girl. She likes clothes, fashion, and lipstick. She went to the Fashion Institute of Technology of New York where sexual experimentation is practically a degree. She doesn’t like Screech, or any man that I know of. How many dates did Lisa even go on? Maybe, four? That "blerdy" student council kid, the freshman she accidentally went with to the Senior Kick-Off party, her dancing partner who dumped her after she sprained her ankle, and Screech. Or beard, beard, beard, and curly-haired beard. These weren’t real relationships, these were special guest stars.

Now let’s examine Tori’s time on Saved by the Bell, which becomes very telling. Tori first cements her relationship with Lisa when she helped out with the Fall Ball. The dance committee turned on Lisa, but not Tori. Tori was there for Lisa when Lisa needed someone the most. Was this the beginning of a beautiful friendship? Tori and Lisa then form a Bayside "Teen-Line", a safe place where the alienated could share their feelings. Did they have feelings that needed to be shared? Tori later tricks Slater and Screech into slow dancing and kissing each other at the Masquerade Ball? Was this a gag or a prelude of things to come? Lastly, Lisa, Tori, and the rest of the girls want more money for girl's sports at Bayside, which leads to a battle of sexes. I didn’t make that up, that’s an episode. A general theme of this season is of Tori and Lisa growing closer and closer, and discovering the power of their femininity together.

To me though, the most telling moment in Lisa and Tori’s relationship has little to do with Tori. It was when Zack and Lisa kissed. If you look at it in the proper context, Lisa had just met Tori and exciting feelings were beginning to stir. Scary feelings though, too. If Lisa was questioning her sexuality, what would be the best test? Probably to make out with the sleaziest, douchebag in school. If she could make out with Zack Morris and not feel anything for that blond Tom Cruise then maybe she was gay.

Zack and Lisa
This is not an enjoyable embrace.

Now I understand that labeling Tori as a lesbian is playing into a stereotype. Perhaps, unfairly. What were her character traits: tough, rides motorcycle, wears leather jacket, a demeanor somewhat similar to The Facts of Life’s Jo. Yes, it’s unfair jump to the conclusion that she’s homosexual because she’s good with a bike and has grease on her cheek, but this is Saved by the Bell. Saved by the Bell was a show of stereotypes. The nerds looked like nerds, dressed like nerds, talked like nerds, they even answered to the name “nerds.” On SBTB, if it walked like a duck and talked like a duck, it was a nerd! And jocks were jocks: big, dumb, and in letterman jackets. Blondes were bimbos. These were not complex characters, they were window dressings and their characters ran as deep as their costumes. So, if you have girl that looks like a lesbian and acts like a lesbian, on Saved by the Bell, she was a lesbian.

And does it further the case that Leanna Creel is an actual lesbian? I know, I know that doesn’t mean that Tori is a lesbian. Just because Rupert Everett’s gay doesn’t mean Dr. Claw is gay (Inspector Gadget... go, go, stupid reference). But it kinda does, too. There’s always something odd about a man with a cat, plus that Harvey Fierstein voice. Intellectually we are able to divorce the actor from the role, but emotionally we can never truly separate them, even if it’s just on a microscopic cellular level. Mathew Broderick is Ferris Bueller, Michael J. Fox is Marty McFly, Mark-Paul Gosselaar is Zack Morris, Leanna Creel is Tori Scott and Tori Scott is gay.

Much like real high school, lines got drawn, some got ostracized, feelings were hurt, friendships ended, loves faded, there were nerds, jocks, preppies, bimbos, homosexuals, there were persecutors and persecuted, but in the end it's okay because you still know it will be all right when you’re saved by the bell.

I'm Lazy and other Cyberspace Madness

I'm lazy and instead of writing anything new, I'm going to watch reruns of Twin Peaks. I could do something new, but you know... TV. As the chart will demonstrate, it seems the more free time I have the lazier I get, or that I work better with zero to no pressure and when deadlines are something hazy in the distance. The closer deadlines come, the more likely I am to roll over and play dead, and generally hope that someone else will take care of the problem. So, instead of me doing new things, enjoy these things other people have made. Plus, I'm lazy.

Lazy Chart

But onward to less lazy people:

Johnny 5

Came across this adorable Johnny 5 in Scott Campbell's "Great Showdown" during my various research trips into the world of Short Circuit. Research like this and that. I'm scholarly.

Fat Guy Acts Out Animal Memes. Sometimes I think, Hey, I'm a fat guy. I like memes. I can be an animal. But then I don't.

Mystique’s True Origins

What if video games were around during the silver age of comics? by Rusty Shackles (not to be confused with Rusty Shackleford)

Sewer Cinema: Manholes in Movie Posters

I’ve come to notice several movie posters with characters popping out of sewers in that hey-look-at-me-I’m-in-the-sewer-so-I-must-be-funny sort of way. Sometimes this makes sense as with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They live in the sewers hence posters with them emerging from the sewers seems natural. Also, with the Turtles mostly obscured by the manhole cover this works as a great teaser for film, especially for the first movie where the live action Ninja Turtles were kept back a little bit as a surprise for the audience.

However, other films make less sense. Like Short Circuit 2, which features neither a sewer nor coming out of a sewer in the actual film. Some of these movie posters remind me of the fake movie Sack Lunch in an episode of Seinfeld. The movie poster featured a family in a brown paper bag, which makes Elaine wonder how they got in there: So d'you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?

That’s what some of these movie posters seem to be doing, making us wonder what sort of predicament could possibly occur to make Johnny 5 and Ben Jahrvi get into the sewer? Are they hiding in the sewers? Are they exploring the sewers? Are they looking for One-Eyed Willie’s lost treasure? For comedies, these posters promise that if you watch this movie you will see a logical chain of shenanigans to get this upstanding character into the sewer, wackiness will ensue.

Horror movies on the other hand concentrate on the unwacky side of sewage. The gross, hideous dark parts of the sewer. This is the sewer where we flush our dead fish, the mail-order alligators our moms wouldn’t let us have, and all our dirty little secrets. But there’s still something slightly whimsical in that the sewer is still where our poo goes, which inevitably leads to a 98% chance likeliness of poo joke.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

TMNT Poster
The green standard in sewer movies.

Short Circuit 2

Short Circuit 2
No actual sewer in the film.
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