Wolf Gnards

If possibly loosing your virginity to Fred Savage is a factor in being a geek girl we love, I would be remissed not to include Danica McKellar on the list. Like Kevin Arnold, we all feel in love with Danica the first time we saw her in go-go boots.

But besides being Winnie Cooper, Danica is a geek's geek. She's like 5 Wolf Gnards and half a Stephen Hawking rolled up into one... with boobs. A real hardcore nerd, and that's hard to come by in today's Hollywood (there's a pun in there somewhere). How nerdy is she? Well, she majored in mathematics at UCLA and co-authored a scientific paper with Professor Lincoln Chayes and Brandy Winn, which resulted in the Chayes-McKellar-Winn theorem. How many other former child stars have a theorem named after them? And the Emmanuel Lewis Inverse Height/Skin Tone Axiom doesn't count.

In honesty, Danica McKellar doesn't quite do it for me as much as the Winnie Cooper of my youth. But for a math geek, there's none hotter. She even has two books, Math Doesn't Suck and Kiss My Math, basically they're text books for cute girls. Yes, you can be attractive and do your homework, a message that needed to be reiterated. And Danica has an Erdős–Bacon number of 6. That's how many degrees a person separates Hungarian mathematician Paul Erdős from Foot Loose star Kevin Bacon. The only actor with an Erdős–Bacon number just as low? You guessed it, my favorite, Natalie Portman!

I've been known to be perhaps a tad over critical of Masi Oka. But the only reason is because he's one of the few Asians in popular culture right now. Every generation, we get one Asian—just one—and for the moment he's it. Unfortunately, that means that all Asians are judged by Masi Oka's actions. The problem is Masi is in a very strange zone. His popularity is an off shoot of his cuteness, but his cuteness is based on dopiness and emasculation. Which reflects poorly on Asians everywhere. Here's the thing though, all popularity, be it movie box office or music or high school, is based on the principle of girls wanting to grind up on it. This is what Freud might call The Phallic Stage or what Digital Underground might call the Humpty Hump. The very foundation of what is attractive is built upon unicorns and Care Bears.

Vanity Fair explains his cuteness as:

One theory, which has been proposed by a lot of Japanese artists and academics, is that, after the humiliation and emasculation of Japan in the postwar years, Japan developed this quasi-queer position of ‘little brother’ or ‘little boy.’

Which is close, but it's missing out on the mass produced industrial side of Asia. The plush toy is perhaps a closer analogy than little boy, but both are fitting. However, that is not to say the stuffed toy is not without it's appeal. The unicorn can be sexy?

Let's look at the three highest grossing movies of all time: Titanic, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean. It just means that girls want to have sex with Leonardo DiCaprio, Viggo Mortensen, and Johnny Depp. But there's more to it. Let's say for the sake of argument, that Frodo drove girls to Lord of the Rings, and I think it can be established that no girl wants to have carnal knowledge of Frodo (Sam... that goes without question, but live human females I'm not so sure about). But they do want to HUG Frodo, and a hug is a grind. If we rewind our sexual development back to the beginning what we find are Teddy Bears and stuffed animals. Cozy, snugly, innocent, just good, clean grinding fun. These top grossing movies, offer not just sex appeal, but two types of grind.

The Orlando Bloom Paradox

Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean both featured Orlando Bloom... coincidence? Or is this Unicorn Sexy in action? Orlando Bloom is the equivalent of a stuffed animal that you can have sex with. For all us meek and adorable, we know the worse thing to be is cute because somewhere along the line the teddy bear loses its luster. But Unicorn Sexy is the principle that there is a level beyond, and cute in fact folds on itself to become sexy. Sexy become cute, cute becomes androgynous, which becomes homely, then cute again and back to sexy. Understand?

Or to put it otherwise, Viggo Mortensen becomes Frodo who becomes David Bowie who becomes Orlando Bloom. In theory, at least. Skinny Leonardo DiCaprio was the sexy unicorn behind Titanic (two grinds in one), and Masi Oka could be the sexy unicorn of Heroes. This is where we hear the collective... say what!? But it's true. Yes, it brings us back to Hiro and the emasculated Asian. Because is he truly emasculated or just a glam rocker waiting to happen? The reason NBC puts Masi down is only because they're afraid he'll loose his plush-appeal. Executives know he's popular because young girls want to buy stuff Masis (or is the plural form of Masi still Masi?), and they're afraid by giving him a meatier less racist role, he'll lose that fan base. But what they aren't allowing for is the natural progression of gyration.

In case you missed it, Hiro was awesome this week on Heroes. Definitely some positive points on the old Hiro Meter.

I thought this was going to be another Hiroless episode, and he wasn't in it much, but what he was in, was great. Also, it makes me think, I do hope Masi Oka gets paid the same way whether he's in the episode 30 minutes or 30 seconds. And not only was Hiro acceptable, but the episode marks the Return of Suresh. Shows can have multiple ethnicities on a single episode, you don't have to space them out over the season.

Hiro... +2 for the saving Mohinder, and getting that much closer to getting his kiss on.

I don't remember who first made this observation, it was probably Nietzsche or Noam Chomsky, but it holds true either way, “Bruce Willis is the Best.” Not that he's the best human being or the best actor, but that he continually plays the best and he plays the best well (the best at the being best?). Again, this does not mean that Bruce Willis always plays the best of men, it's just that they are the best at what they do, and what they do is mostly blowing things up.

Whatever your specialty is, your goal in life should be to be the Bruce Willis of your field. And this is more than just being the best at what you do, but should the government need assistance they would call you to put together a crack team. For instance, if there was a pop culture disaster, I would want Billy Bob Thornton to say, “We need Wolf Gnards.” Then I would drill a hole in the pop culture and drop in useless charts and graphs until it implodes on its own self importance.

Examples of Bruce Willis Besttitude

Hudson Hawk – World's Best Thief
Last Man Standing – Best Gangster Gunslinger in Town
The Fifth Element – World's Best Intergalactic Military Specialist/Taxi Driver
The Jackal – World's Best Assassin
Armageddon – World's Best Offshore Oil Driller
The Sixth Sense – Best Child Psychologist in Philadelphia
Bandits – Best Bank Robber
Planet Terror – Leader of Best Special Forces Unit in Iraq

Not Stated as the Best, But still Pretty Damn Good

Die Hard – A Damn Fine Cop
The Last Boyscout – Ex-Secret Service Agent (Once Saved the President) Turned Down and Out Detective, and Possibly the Best Boyscout.
Striking Distance – Best Boat Cop
Twelve Monkeys – Best Time Travel subject
The Whole Nine Yards – Best Hitman
Unbreakable – Best at not Breaking
Ocean's Twelve – Himself, ie World's Best Actor
Sin City – Most Honest Detective in Basin City

As well as being the best, Willis has also specialized in being several high ranking military officials.

By tabulating all of Bruce Willis's films, we find that he plays the world's greatest something, the leading expert in whatever, or random high ranking army dude 34 times, that means he's the best roughly 63% of the time.

Hudson Hawk is probably the greatest entryway into the Bruce Willis psyche. Remember that he wrote and directed that cinematic masterpiece. It's pure Bruce Willis, or better yet a window of how he sees himself. It's like if Tim Burton looks in the mirror and sees Johnny Depp, Bruce Willis looks and sees Hudson Hawk: the World's Greatest Cat Burglar who's as clever as Leonardo da Vinci and with enough sex appeal to make a Nun moan.

What's interesting is that while, Willis is clearly the best most of time. He's almost a despicable character almost as much as a completely average Joe. But this could just be the movies, Bruce Willis with a gun is far more interesting than Bruce Willis the Used Car Salesmen.

But here's a suggestion for Hollywood, Bruce Willis and Jeff Goldblum in a buddy picture called Best & Brightest. Take it, free of charge.

Just when you thought I forgot the Hiro Meter... it returns. Not with so much a vengeance, but a meek whah-whah. The Hiro Meter has been running straight through Chapter 7 & 8 and currently stands at a whopping +2. Yes, Hiro is a positive Asian influence.

Chapter 7
Chapter 7 was the all Hiro, all the time episode and is pretty much the soul source of any positive energy. Let's break it down.

Time Travel Jokes... +1. Namely "Oh Boy" and "Great Scotto." Maybe, a little racist the way he said it, but any Quantum Leap reference can't help but put me in a good mood.
Hiro's pissed face... +1. He shows actual emotion that isn't adorable. Ok, so his pissed face is kind of adorable, but it's something in the right direction.
Fights toe to toe with Sylar... +1. Even though Hiro stands off in the goofiest possible of manners, he does face off with Sylar and lives. Not bad for little Masi Oka.
Messes with the Space Time Continuum... -1. He should know better. The writers keep making Hiro make the same mistakes over and over again.
Charlie Loves Hiro... +1. I kept expecting them to have Charlie say something like, "Oh, Hiro we're just friends, and even though I've never met him I think I'm in love with Peter Petrelli." A plus one for that not happening.

Chapter 8
No Hiro... -1. Yet another Hiroless episode of Heroes. They could have, at least, had Hiro eating cotton candy in the background or something.

I saw this at the store and couldn't resist the limited edition Jones Soda Candy Corn. I saw the wolfman and thought there needed to be the an official beverage of Wolf Gnards. Sounds kind of gross, and I probably wouldn't classify the flavor as good. But it's not as bad as a candy corn soda could be. The drink actually tastes a little more like cream soda. Like it or not, who could say no to a tall glass of werewolf?

Check out some of their other spooky flavors.