Wolf Gnards

You may have thought I've forgotten about poor Hiro and decided to just leave Masi Oka alone. Sorry, Wolf Gnards just wouldn't be Wolf Gnards if we didn't kick a nerd when he was down.

Chapter 4 of Heroes: -1 Asian Points

Last time Hiro did nothing, he got rewarded with a nice fat zero. This time, he gets a negative one. This is just because we're only 4 episodes into the season, and Hiro's already been missing in action twice. NBC manages to squeeze in Peter Petrelli and Claire into every episode. They could make the effort to squeeze in Hiro time. A little too early to be missing again.

The other reason, Hiro's in the red is because Masi Oka is just too nice. If you want something, you have to take it. If you want your character to do something or be something, tell the writers. Hayden Panettiere wanted a lesbian love interested... POOF, she's kissing a girl. Oka's primary problem is he's just happy to be on the show, and therefor lets the writers do whatever they want with him.

So, Masi, this is a message broadcasted directly to you. Make demands. It doesn't need to be anything groundbreaking, but don't be afraid to make a demand or two. Start small, ask for more a mustache or something.

Question: How did Steven Seagal become Jim Belushi? Much like Carnegie Hall, the answer is practice, lots and lots of practice. Or is it doughnuts? Lots and lots of doughnuts? Steven Seagal shows off more than just his martial arts skills in his new A&E show Steven Seagal: Lawman, but showcases his world class eating abilities as well. Steven Seagal has always been known to be amongst the most pudgy of action heroes, but to hit Jim Belushi levels is an entirely new level fatness. Not since Sammo Hung has a martial artist been so fat, yet retaining so many of the bad ass qualities that make him so near and dear to our hearts.

Seagal's transformation wasn't over night though. It was a gradual transition to Belushi. How did he do it? Steven Seagal is a 7th degree black belt in Akido, what this allows Seagal to do is eat food at an alarming rate. Like world eating champion, Takeru Kobayashi, he can control his stomach muscles to clear up additional room, be it for doughnuts, pizza, tacos, gummy bears, pork fried rice, what have you, Steven Seagal can eat it and eat a lot of it. And even more important, who gets the last doughnut? Why the 7th degree black belt , of course. And while it was a slow change, let us remember that Jim Belushi has been working on being Jim Belushi nearly his entire life, whereas Seagal has managed to achieve Jim Belushi in only a handful of years.

What are the Benefits to being Jim Belushi?

Seagal's new Belushi-esque body, however, can limit his martial arts skills. While, still good with holds and a variety of punching strikes, he can no longer kick or move his lower body with much functionality, preferring to travel with either Rascal or Segway. However, what Seagal has gained (besides weight) is humor. Steven Seagal is much funnier than ever before.

One of the oldest math equations holds true:
Fat = Funny

Weight to Humor Chart

As a comic, Jim Belushi just isn't funny. He just doesn't have the MBI of a Chris Farley or Jonah Hill to achieve maximum funny. However, if we put a Jim Belushi body in the different situation, say as a Hollywood tough guy, he suddenly becomes very funny. So, we see that it takes more than just sheer body weight to be funny. A fat comedian needs to be very fat to be funny, whereas, a fat weather man only needs to be pleasantly plump to be entertaining. It's the fat context of the fat index which makes it funny. Which means an action hero doesn't need to be very fat at all to be funny, a pot belly and a gun will usually do the job.

Wolf Gnards talks a fairly good movie game. And if you haven't noticed I talk a lot about nerds, too. Movies. Nerds. Movies. Nerds. It was only a matter time really for me to put that together. Lots of ways to go. Maybe, my favorite nerd movies? Or my favorite nerds in movies? My favorite movies by nerds? My favorite nerds by movies? Tons of possibilities, but I'd like to start nice and simple with my favorite scientists in film.

These aren't just fake nerds on film, but fake nerds on film who are highly respected in their fictional fields. There's the ultra cool scientist who rides motorcycles and wears leather jackets. There's the antisocial misfit who can only talk to robots without stuttering. There's the uptight slightly evil rule following head scientist who is far less brilliant than the bad ass motorcycle math geek from before. There's the far too beautiful lady scientist who just needs to take off her glasses and let her hair down. And, of course, all your variety of giant robot building mad scientists—some young, some old, but a surprising number with some sort of mechanized limb.

But here's what I've pieced together about all of them. A good movie scientists must:
1.Smoothly speak reams of techno babble anchored with little to know actual scientific principle.
2.Look as good in glasses as with shirt partially ripped open.
3.Able to build key gadgets, replicate antidotes, or navigate through highly complex computer coding in the time between the climax and the dénouement (usually about 60 seconds).

Episode 3 of Heroes: +1

Hiro didn't do much this episode, but what he did wasn't too bad.

Breakdown of Hiro Meter
1. Bucket List: +1... Putting right what once went wrong makes me think of Quantum Leap, and thinking of Quantum Leap makes me happy. Definitely a plus one.
2. Scared of Heights: -1... Now there's nothing wrong with being scared of heights, it's just an example of how whenever Hiro does something brave, the show makes him do something cowardly to cancel it out. Plus, he's dangled off a building before and survived, and he somehow got back his mastery of space and time, so what's there to be afraid of?
3. Fool's Errand: -1... It takes him over 40 trips to save this guy. And each time travel all he can think to do is break the Xerox machine. Just a punchline for no real purpose.
4. Speaks to his Sister: +2... Without giving anything away, Hiro has to do something hard and he does it without any problems, without any sight gags, or slipping on a banana peel. In other words, he had a serious moment and was a better man for it.

One of the greatest nerd girls to ever grace cinema is without a doubt Michelle Meyrink. The name just echoes with stardom. Michelle Meyrink played hyperactive brainiac hottie Jordan in Real Genius... and less sexy head Omega Mu in Revenge of the Nerds. The top two geek girls of the 1980's played by the very same girl. If you're the type of girl who's over-studied and under-sexed, Michelle is your girl to look up to. If you're the type of girl who liked to strap on the accordion, but still gets frustrated by computers, Michelle's for you.

For your pleasure... Michelle in a wetsuit!

Michelle Meyrink has done little beyond her groundbreaking geek roles. Her acting career ended for good in 1988, but she'll forever be in our hearts. Maybe, not even for what she did, but more for what she still stirs in nerds everywhere.

Geek Girl Prototype for Natalie Portman

Ok, maybe, Michelle Meyrink isn't in Natalie Portman's league in terms of geek appeal, but there is a certain something. A fetish starts from some deep seed, some act from the formative years that has been transformed into something sexual. So, if you like a little S&M, well, you probably got a smacked bottom at a crucial point in your development. That's what Michelle is, she's our smacked bottom.

Michelle Meyrink—short dark haired sexy brain of our childhood. Natalie Portman—short dark haired sexy brain of our present. If there wasn't a Michelle Meyrink would their be a Natalie Portman? Probably, but we desire her quite as much?

Other Pre-Portman's

Boof (Teen Wolf)

Oh, Boof. Who cares about blonde prima donna's when Boof is the girl next door? Susan Ursitti, like Michelle Meyrink, never went on to much else; an episode of Charles in Charge and an episode of 21 Jump Street.

Winona Ryder (Beetlejuice)

Before Winona Ryder went crazy, she was a crush waiting to happen. Still super cute though not the indie dream she once was.

Natalie Portman (The Professional)

Yes, that's right Natalie Portman was the prototype for Natalie Portman. She was a great young geek crush and grew into an even better geek crush.

Who's your favorite quirky brunette?

If films of the 1980's have taught us anything it's that there are several different methods to swap bodies with some one. Also, don't feed gremlins after midnight, and it's completely possible to build a woman with a computer, but the biggest thing is you can switch places with your dad for good clean fun at its wackiest. Whether it's ancient magic or modern science, the mind/body transfer has a soul swapping alternative for you. However, whatever method of transmogrification you choose the most important thing is to want to swap. A body transfer just isn't a body transfer without that moment of simultaneous desire.

“I wish I was young again!”

“I wish I had old wrinkly balls!”

SWAP

It's the simultaneousness of it that matters. Whatever hokey magical mumbo jumbo or ancient ancient artifact you use, it's the likewise thought that's important. If you want to be your dad, but at that moment your dad wants to be a longshoreman or a biker or a hamburger... it's just not going to work. Though a boy-to-hamburger movie would be pretty good, and a tad more original than another father-son flick.

Transferring minds was most popular in the 80's, but anytime is really a good time. I'm guessing at some Hollywood party in the mid-80's someone said, “We should really do a father/son switcheroo movie,” and several people overheard him. This is what they came up with...

Popular Ways to Swap Bodies

Just Want It (Freaky Friday 1976, 2003) – Like I said, the most important thing to any mind/body swap is to just want it. Being on Friday the 13th or ingesting ancient Chinese fortune cookie magic may be involved but not necessarily. Just want it whole-heartedly and you too can swap. Changing back can only occur after an important lesson has been learned.

Native American Potion (Like Father, Like Son, 1987) – Grown somewhere out in the dessert and kept secret by Native American Shamans, there is a plant that can switch a person's mind with another's. Potion plus eye contact and consider yourself switched. Great for surgery or hijacks. You must have a wacky best friend with connections to an even more wacky brain weed expert (in Like Father, Like Son's case an eccentric uncle). No swapping desire really needed for this transfer, the mystical Indian juice does all the work, though it does help with the story arc. Transferring back requires more magic potion, but the longer you've been switched the longer it takes to switch back.

Hold Hands (18 Again!, 1988) – As we all know the Beatles' song I Want to Hold your Hand really meant I Want to Swap your Body. Hand holding works to transfer minds, but a couple of key occurrences are required: some sort of crash must happen and it must be on someone's birthday. It also helps if the ages of the swapees are the inverse of each other, so 18 and 81 are good. 19 and 80 though, just horrible swap material.

Mystic Oriental Skull (Vice Versa, 1988) – Like Native Americans, the Chinese and Indians also possess ancient secrets to mind switching. The Western world cannot possibly understand such mystical things as a skull glued to a cup. Transfer works again by wanting to switch but in this case in the presence of the skull and the skull does the rest.

Tai Chi & Meditation (Dream a Little Dream, 1989) – If someone is entering a waking dream state where anything is possible, don't mess with them. It's like sleepwalkers, leave them alone or they will go ape shit. If you crash into a meditator (another crashing scenario, leading me to believe souls can be jarred out of place rather easily) not only can you switch bodies with them, but you can be entirely sucked into their bodies as well. Side effects of transfer include acting like Michael Jackson.