Cyberspace Madness: Guys Who Almost got Nards

So, what do I do with my day? I mostly keep tabs on actors who auditioned for the role of Horace in the Monster Squad. This is a brush with nard destiny that’s a little hard to ignore (for me anyway).

These Actors Almost had Nards

Which I realize is incorrect because it’s the Wolfman who “gots” nards and not the kid who “gots” nards.

TV’s Wil Wheaton
– Before he was named the official unofficial King of the Nerds (a title he received, may I add, for simply wearing a Cosby sweater in space), Wil Wheaton was a child actor who almost got to kick a werewolf in the nards.

Jeff Davis – Jeff B. Davis is an improv comedian, comptroller for Dan Harmon’s Harmonberg, and I’m 96% sure, at least, the partial inspiration for Jeff Winger on Community. He admits to almost getting nard time in this episode of Hamonville. It’s safe to say his interruption would not have been the same: The Wolfman has Gnaaaaaards.

Also interesting is Jeff tried out for the Wil Wheaton part in Stand by Me.

Some Dude – Zach Baker wrote a comment on this very site, confirming that the original script of Monster Squad spelled nards with no “g.” I’d like to add that I do realize the whole world spells it this way, but I still don’t have to agree with it. Zach Baker appeared in Mr. Belvedere, was a Jeopardy! champion, and now works in gaming. He’s like a version of me who’s smarter and more motivated.

So, if you auditioned for Monster Squad, or know anyone who has let me know and I’ll post you here!

Elsewhile in Cyberspace

Superman III Analysis, complete with Kryptonite recipe (Yum!)

Origami Goku

Treat Yo Self

Best of the Mediocre: My Top Articles of 2013


Remember when I said I was going to kick 2013 in the nards? Well, I didn’t. I grazed the nards, at best. It’s sad to both try to kick a year in the nards, and to fail miserably. Yet here we are…

This is the 2013 Nards in Review, AKA the Top Gnardicles of 2013!

What do you get when you combine a C- blog with an F+ concept (nobody reads anymore) with a solid D writer? Well, if you’re still reading this, I probably don’t have to tell you. Wolf Gnards! Yes, Wolf Gnards America’s 149,958th rated website! We’re #149,958! We’re #149,958!

We did have one article that did well this year, can you guess which one?

10. My Analysis of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer - I wrote this in the last week of 2013, so considering it’s the 10th most popular article in 2013 probably gives you a good idea of the kind of year it’s been.

9. My Annual Trek to C2E2 - Why C2E2 you ask? Because they give me a press pass. Keep the press passes coming and I’ll keep churning out the poor coverage.

8. Indy is so Indie – I started an Instagram for the sole purpose of making these photos.

7. Things That are Not Knives – This was supposed to be a groundbreaking exposé on everything that is not a knife, which turns out to be a lot of things. I did enjoy the “That’s my wife” photo though.

6. Masters of Disguise – The only disguise is this trying to pass as an article. There’s probably a little too much of my patented brand of bad photoshop, too.

5. My Tribute to Walter Peck – Hero of heroes, I stand by everything I said. Peck was a great man and environmentalist even if he had no dick.

4. Girls Dressed as Doctor Who – Guys like girls dressed as Doctor Who, girls like girls dressed as Doctor Who, but nobody likes guys dressed as companions :(

3. Statues I will Someday Commission – Sadly the commemorative Balki statue is one of my better ideas.

2. This Post – Which is really just a companion piece and prelude to my #1 article of 2013…

1. Back to the Future had Two Martys (Marti?) – This is the article where I explain that in Back to the Future there are two Marty McFlys. Most of you couldn’t figure out what I was talking about, I certainly couldn’t figure out what I was talking, but I like to think a few of you could separate my gibberfacts out from my gibberish. This article did so well it made the follow up article the second most popular article of the year.

Thanks for sharing my love of Back to the Future and enjoying another year of musing (or tolerating them, whatever).

Santa Got Framed by a Grandpa

As a kid, one of my all time favorite Christmas carols was, of course, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (that and a little diddy about Batman smelling). I think few songs really manage to combine the festive holiday spirit with bloody murder quite like this one. And that’s right, I said murder because Grandma did not die from sleighicular manslaughter, this was a premeditated murder.

santa arrested

GGRObaR (as the kids say) is an interesting take on perspective. The joke of the song works because it juxtaposes Santa committing a hit and run with the reality of Grandpa who just got away with the perfect murder. Blaming Santa Claus is like saying a one armed man murdered your wife (side note: The Fugitive theoretically has given any person with one arm free reign to murder whoever they want because what cop is going to believe a one armed man did it?). Fictional characters don’t usually commit a lot of murders, I don’t have the actual crime statistics on hand but I have to believe the number is 0% of murders this year were caused by fictional characters.

What I’m trying to get at though is that there are two realities in Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: that of a child who believes in Santa, and that of the more cynical adult who does not. Take the song I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus for example. As adults we know that Mom is just kissing Dad who is dressed as Santa Claus, but as children we’re forced to assume Mommy is a bit of tart (regardless of the sexual assaulting powers of mistletoe). To a kid this is a song about your mother cheating on your father. Grandma Got Run Over has the same play, and both versions are sort of horrible The children version is about Santa performing a heinous act. That’s pretty dark when you think about it. As an adult though we both know that grandpa committed the murder and that most of the family is pretty okay with it (which make me wonder what was so bad about Grandma?).

Let’s look at the song:

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Why is Grandpa so eager to believe that Santa did it? I think it’s natural given the “evidence” for a kid to think Santa was involved, but why would Grandpa encourage it? He should know better. As a rational person, I might think a regular deer caused it or a drunk driver or something without supernatural powers. That fact that Grandpa is trying so desperately to pawn this off on Santa makes me wonder what he’s really trying to hide.

She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

If Grandpa was so concerned over her safety, why would he let a woman (presumably in her 60’s) walk out in the snow alone? He should know how much “nog” she can handle. And why did Grandpa wait until the morning to report Grandma as missing? And while somewhat Santa-leading, the hoof print could have been caused by almost any blunt instrument. And if it is an actual hoof print, that doesn’t necessarily point to the hoof of a magical reindeer. Also, what is a Claus mark? Some sort of fat mark, did it look like she was sat on? Or was it white beard hairs? Cookie crumbs? And if so, then how fat is grandpa and how white is his beard? It seems like cookie crumbs could be easily planted. If we were living in a world with a Santa Claus, a mystical being that has never been seen… I think he would cover his tracks better than that.

Or did the police report say "claw marks" on her back, and a series of wild animals trampled Grandma?

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.

Seems like pretty blasé behavior for someone grieving over his dead wife. In the context of the song this is within hours of discovering her body. The police haven’t even finished filing out all the paper work yet. And who is this cousin Mel? Hot cousin Melanie? Shifty cousin Melvin with his get rich quick schemes?

I’ll admit that the evidence against Grandpa is circumstantial at best. I don’t think it would hold up in any court of law, but it is more evidence than the evidence against a person who doesn’t exist.

Lastly there’s this:

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Santa shouldn’t be judged by his company, no matter how tiny or pointy eared they may be. That has nothing to do with the accident. Also, Grandma was the one drunk on eggnog. I’m not saying Santa is real, but if he were real, this would be Grandma’s fault.

nog chart

The lesson of the song is either Santa Claus accidentally killed your grandmother while delivering presents to you. Or your grandfather used the cover of a snowstorm and your belief in a magical being to pull off the perfect crime. It's your fault. Merry Christmas!

P0p Culture Bubble P0rn

I don’t understand bubble p0rn or Mormon p0rn. Actual p0rn is readily available in every corner drugstore; in fact, the vast majority of the Internet is composed of p0rn. It’s like the Beverly Hillbillies but instead of the Clampett’s swampland it’s the Internet, and instead of bubbling crude it’s porn. Poke a hole anywhere in the Internet and porn pours out, it’s a fact. I have enough trouble finding websites that aren’t porn, so why make fake porn?

Are circles intrinsically sexier than no circles? I understand the meaning behind bubble porn, it’s essentially conning god or your parents or whomever you’re trying to impress with your clean-cut porn selection, but is there anything else to it? Some biologists believe that roundness is a primitive sexual trait, and our bodies have evolved as such. Meaning Baby Got Back is Darwinian in nature.

Is it the circle or what’s underneath the circle that counts? Is bubble p0rn the next evolution of smut? And if so then what’s better than round? Double round!

Ms. Pac-Man


Little Miss


Mrs. Potato Head

Chicken McNuggets

Power Girl’s cleavage

Update (12/24/13): Adsense has flagged this post for obscene content. Circles, man... amiright? Too hot for TV... er... the Internet. Can't round with 'em, can't round without 'em.

Update2 (1/15/14): Spelled "p0rn" with a zeroes to further appease G00gle.

Update3 (1/16/14): Adsense has banned Wolf Gnards. I will leave the zeroes to show future generations that I tried. I turns out Mormons that your p0rn can fool God, but it can't fool Google.

Cyber Madness: Is Cap'n A Captain?

When I challenged Cap'n Crunch's captainhood he sent me this video, which does not answer a damn thing.

Eyebrows neither prove nor disprove anything.

Speaking of captains: Nyan Cap!

Speaking of speaking of captains: A Captain N action figure

This Captain N figure is composed from "Heroes Peter top half. Legs are from Savage Dragon and feet are from WWE Jon Cena." Which means Savage Dragon and Jon Cena need to put in a little leg time at the gym.

I'd write soething about Captain EO here, but I'm a little captained out.

Monster Nards: To Kick or Not to Kick?

What are the common werewolf weaknesses? You have your silvers (in bullet, bashing, or stabbing forms), mercury (it looks kind of like silver), wolfsbane (it has wolf in the name!). And, of course, the age old kick to the nards. Wolfmen have nards, it’s been well established (even though I can’t convince anyone it’s spelled “gnards”). But why the wolfman, why the nards, why does kicking a werewolf in the nards make so much goddamn sense? And who besides a werewolf can you kick in said nards. Some monsters have nards, some do not, and knowing the difference can save your life.

Lady Monsters Do NOT have Nards

Regardless of creature type, no female monster has nards. This goes for you succubi, your wicked witches, your Medusas, or your sexy lady vampires. They just don’t got them and kicking them there is going to piss them off. If you really need this explained to you then you’re just not ready to be on my teenage monster busting squadron. In my monster clubhouse, I don’t have the time or energy to explain all monster weaknesses to you and male and female body parts.

The Undead Don’t Need nards

If a monster cannot reproduce then you don’t need reproductive organs. It’s that simple: no babies, no sex, no nards, no kicking in the nards. This applies to any undead, walking dead, living dead, deadite, mummy, or zombie. Zombie nards will be amongst the first body parts to go. Without bones keeping things in place, zombie ears, noses, and nards will be popping off left in right. As to mummies, even if a mummy’s nards were preserved they’re in a ceramic jar someplace in Egypt. Maybe, if you find that jar and you kick that jar then, perhaps, a mummy could feel it, but I wouldn’t recommend it as a strategy.

Fish Don’t Have Nards

The nard status of any amphibian human hybrid is questionable at best. The Creature from the Black Lagoon, or Gill-Man, doesn’t have external sex organs. In fact, he’s nude all day long, you can clearly see there’s nothing going on south of the gills. Like mermaids, much of the aquatic creatures nard status depends on which is the fish half and which is the man half. This actually goes for any half man/ half animal. If the animal half doesn’t have nards then the creature probably doesn’t have nards either. So, some sort of human fly created in a transporter accident does not have nards.

Reanimated Nards

With Frankenstein’s Monster… nards are optional. It’s like a car, do you get it fully loaded or do you pay a little less for a car without all the bells and whistles. Nards are like the cup holders of the monster verse, they’re not particularly necessary. I mean why even make a horrible monster who’s sexually functional. I realize “mad” is part of the whole “mad scientist” thing, but that’s just not in good taste. It’s like Bob Barker said "spay or neuter your creatures."

The Problem of Insubstantial Nards

Ghosts being insubstantial makes having nards almost irrelevant. Whether they have them or not, it doesn’t matter. Even if they could use them, they can’t really be kicked in them. Although, the film High Spirits does feature ghost Laim Neeson getting kicked in the ghost nards. In the scene, the foot phases through Neeson's spectral crotch, but he feels it anyway. I would say that ghost nards depend on how human the ghost form is. A non-terminal repeating phantasm, or a Class 5 full roaming vapor, does not have nards. I would argue though that it’s always possible for one ghost to kick another ghost in the nards. However, practice would be needed.

Vampiric Nards

Vampires are questionable. They seem to fall into a lot of these no nard categories. Gas doesn’t have nards, but a bat does have nards. And they’re typically depicted as very sexual monsters, so it goes to say that a vampire has nards. The novel Dracula was symbolic of venereal disease, so based on this I would say a vampire does have nards but they’re not fully functioning nards. Vampirism… cough, syphilis… has eaten away at them. Kicking them may or may not do anything. So, you better stake them in the nards if you have chance.

My rule of thumb: if you don’t see nards, don’t assume there are nards.

Monsters without Nards
Freddy Krueger
Living Hand

Monsters with Nards
Giant Ape
Chucky (someone’s gotta check how they’re making those Good Guy dolls)

Monsters with Questionable Nards
Frankenstein’s Monster
Jason Voorhees

Hopefully this guide will help out in most of your average horror movie scenarios, and let you know the best scenarios for a nard kick.

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