Santa Got Framed by a Grandpa

As a kid, one of my all time favorite Christmas carols was, of course, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (that and a little diddy about Batman smelling). I think few songs really manage to combine the festive holiday spirit with bloody murder quite like this one. And that’s right, I said murder because Grandma did not die from sleighicular manslaughter, this was a premeditated murder.

santa arrested

GGRObaR (as the kids say) is an interesting take on perspective. The joke of the song works because it juxtaposes Santa committing a hit and run with the reality of Grandpa who just got away with the perfect murder. Blaming Santa Claus is like saying a one armed man murdered your wife (side note: The Fugitive theoretically has given any person with one arm free reign to murder whoever they want because what cop is going to believe a one armed man did it?). Fictional characters don’t usually commit a lot of murders, I don’t have the actual crime statistics on hand but I have to believe the number is 0% of murders this year were caused by fictional characters.

What I’m trying to get at though is that there are two realities in Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: that of a child who believes in Santa, and that of the more cynical adult who does not. Take the song I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus for example. As adults we know that Mom is just kissing Dad who is dressed as Santa Claus, but as children we’re forced to assume Mommy is a bit of tart (regardless of the sexual assaulting powers of mistletoe). To a kid this is a song about your mother cheating on your father. Grandma Got Run Over has the same play, and both versions are sort of horrible The children version is about Santa performing a heinous act. That’s pretty dark when you think about it. As an adult though we both know that grandpa committed the murder and that most of the family is pretty okay with it (which make me wonder what was so bad about Grandma?).

Let’s look at the song:

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Why is Grandpa so eager to believe that Santa did it? I think it’s natural given the “evidence” for a kid to think Santa was involved, but why would Grandpa encourage it? He should know better. As a rational person, I might think a regular deer caused it or a drunk driver or something without supernatural powers. That fact that Grandpa is trying so desperately to pawn this off on Santa makes me wonder what he’s really trying to hide.

She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

If Grandpa was so concerned over her safety, why would he let a woman (presumably in her 60’s) walk out in the snow alone? He should know how much “nog” she can handle. And why did Grandpa wait until the morning to report Grandma as missing? And while somewhat Santa-leading, the hoof print could have been caused by almost any blunt instrument. And if it is an actual hoof print, that doesn’t necessarily point to the hoof of a magical reindeer. Also, what is a Claus mark? Some sort of fat mark, did it look like she was sat on? Or was it white beard hairs? Cookie crumbs? And if so, then how fat is grandpa and how white is his beard? It seems like cookie crumbs could be easily planted. If we were living in a world with a Santa Claus, a mystical being that has never been seen… I think he would cover his tracks better than that.

Or did the police report say "claw marks" on her back, and a series of wild animals trampled Grandma?

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.

Seems like pretty blasé behavior for someone grieving over his dead wife. In the context of the song this is within hours of discovering her body. The police haven’t even finished filing out all the paper work yet. And who is this cousin Mel? Hot cousin Melanie? Shifty cousin Melvin with his get rich quick schemes?

I’ll admit that the evidence against Grandpa is circumstantial at best. I don’t think it would hold up in any court of law, but it is more evidence than the evidence against a person who doesn’t exist.

Lastly there’s this:

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Santa shouldn’t be judged by his company, no matter how tiny or pointy eared they may be. That has nothing to do with the accident. Also, Grandma was the one drunk on eggnog. I’m not saying Santa is real, but if he were real, this would be Grandma’s fault.

nog chart

The lesson of the song is either Santa Claus accidentally killed your grandmother while delivering presents to you. Or your grandfather used the cover of a snowstorm and your belief in a magical being to pull off the perfect crime. It's your fault. Merry Christmas!

P0p Culture Bubble P0rn

I don’t understand bubble p0rn or Mormon p0rn. Actual p0rn is readily available in every corner drugstore; in fact, the vast majority of the Internet is composed of p0rn. It’s like the Beverly Hillbillies but instead of the Clampett’s swampland it’s the Internet, and instead of bubbling crude it’s porn. Poke a hole anywhere in the Internet and porn pours out, it’s a fact. I have enough trouble finding websites that aren’t porn, so why make fake porn?

Are circles intrinsically sexier than no circles? I understand the meaning behind bubble porn, it’s essentially conning god or your parents or whomever you’re trying to impress with your clean-cut porn selection, but is there anything else to it? Some biologists believe that roundness is a primitive sexual trait, and our bodies have evolved as such. Meaning Baby Got Back is Darwinian in nature.

Is it the circle or what’s underneath the circle that counts? Is bubble p0rn the next evolution of smut? And if so then what’s better than round? Double round!

Ms. Pac-Man

Minions

Little Miss

Kirby

Mrs. Potato Head

Chicken McNuggets

Power Girl’s cleavage

Update (12/24/13): Adsense has flagged this post for obscene content. Circles, man... amiright? Too hot for TV... er... the Internet. Can't round with 'em, can't round without 'em.

Update2 (1/15/14): Spelled "p0rn" with a zeroes to further appease G00gle.

Update3 (1/16/14): Adsense has banned Wolf Gnards. I will leave the zeroes to show future generations that I tried. I turns out Mormons that your p0rn can fool God, but it can't fool Google.

Cyber Madness: Is Cap'n A Captain?

When I challenged Cap'n Crunch's captainhood he sent me this video, which does not answer a damn thing.

Eyebrows neither prove nor disprove anything.

Speaking of captains: Nyan Cap!


Speaking of speaking of captains: A Captain N action figure

This Captain N figure is composed from "Heroes Peter top half. Legs are from Savage Dragon and feet are from WWE Jon Cena." Which means Savage Dragon and Jon Cena need to put in a little leg time at the gym.

I'd write soething about Captain EO here, but I'm a little captained out.

Monster Nards: To Kick or Not to Kick?

What are the common werewolf weaknesses? You have your silvers (in bullet, bashing, or stabbing forms), mercury (it looks kind of like silver), wolfsbane (it has wolf in the name!). And, of course, the age old kick to the nards. Wolfmen have nards, it’s been well established (even though I can’t convince anyone it’s spelled “gnards”). But why the wolfman, why the nards, why does kicking a werewolf in the nards make so much goddamn sense? And who besides a werewolf can you kick in said nards. Some monsters have nards, some do not, and knowing the difference can save your life.

Lady Monsters Do NOT have Nards

Regardless of creature type, no female monster has nards. This goes for you succubi, your wicked witches, your Medusas, or your sexy lady vampires. They just don’t got them and kicking them there is going to piss them off. If you really need this explained to you then you’re just not ready to be on my teenage monster busting squadron. In my monster clubhouse, I don’t have the time or energy to explain all monster weaknesses to you and male and female body parts.

The Undead Don’t Need nards

If a monster cannot reproduce then you don’t need reproductive organs. It’s that simple: no babies, no sex, no nards, no kicking in the nards. This applies to any undead, walking dead, living dead, deadite, mummy, or zombie. Zombie nards will be amongst the first body parts to go. Without bones keeping things in place, zombie ears, noses, and nards will be popping off left in right. As to mummies, even if a mummy’s nards were preserved they’re in a ceramic jar someplace in Egypt. Maybe, if you find that jar and you kick that jar then, perhaps, a mummy could feel it, but I wouldn’t recommend it as a strategy.

Fish Don’t Have Nards

The nard status of any amphibian human hybrid is questionable at best. The Creature from the Black Lagoon, or Gill-Man, doesn’t have external sex organs. In fact, he’s nude all day long, you can clearly see there’s nothing going on south of the gills. Like mermaids, much of the aquatic creatures nard status depends on which is the fish half and which is the man half. This actually goes for any half man/ half animal. If the animal half doesn’t have nards then the creature probably doesn’t have nards either. So, some sort of human fly created in a transporter accident does not have nards.

Reanimated Nards

With Frankenstein’s Monster… nards are optional. It’s like a car, do you get it fully loaded or do you pay a little less for a car without all the bells and whistles. Nards are like the cup holders of the monster verse, they’re not particularly necessary. I mean why even make a horrible monster who’s sexually functional. I realize “mad” is part of the whole “mad scientist” thing, but that’s just not in good taste. It’s like Bob Barker said "spay or neuter your creatures."

The Problem of Insubstantial Nards

Ghosts being insubstantial makes having nards almost irrelevant. Whether they have them or not, it doesn’t matter. Even if they could use them, they can’t really be kicked in them. Although, the film High Spirits does feature ghost Laim Neeson getting kicked in the ghost nards. In the scene, the foot phases through Neeson's spectral crotch, but he feels it anyway. I would say that ghost nards depend on how human the ghost form is. A non-terminal repeating phantasm, or a Class 5 full roaming vapor, does not have nards. I would argue though that it’s always possible for one ghost to kick another ghost in the nards. However, practice would be needed.

Vampiric Nards

Vampires are questionable. They seem to fall into a lot of these no nard categories. Gas doesn’t have nards, but a bat does have nards. And they’re typically depicted as very sexual monsters, so it goes to say that a vampire has nards. The novel Dracula was symbolic of venereal disease, so based on this I would say a vampire does have nards but they’re not fully functioning nards. Vampirism… cough, syphilis… has eaten away at them. Kicking them may or may not do anything. So, you better stake them in the nards if you have chance.

My rule of thumb: if you don’t see nards, don’t assume there are nards.

Monsters without Nards
Blobs
Mummy
Godzilla
Skeleton
Gill-man
Ghosts
Gremlins
Freddy Krueger
Succubus
Living Hand

Monsters with Nards
Bigfoot
Giant Ape
Werewolf
Leprechaun
Chucky (someone’s gotta check how they’re making those Good Guy dolls)

Monsters with Questionable Nards
Frankenstein’s Monster
Vampires
Jason Voorhees

Hopefully this guide will help out in most of your average horror movie scenarios, and let you know the best scenarios for a nard kick.

Wolfman's Got Shirt!

Benedict Cumberbatch and other Cyberspace Madness

Jessica Misener of Buzzfeed has really crystallized I thought I’ve been having, what’s the deal with Benedict Cumberbatch?

Girls are chasing Cumberbatch around like he’s a Beatle or maybe a more contemporary band like Beatles Jr. or the MechaBeatles (I don’t know what you kids are disco dancing to). Now I don’t really have a problem with all the Cumberbatch love, but where’s my love. What about Smee!? Cumberbatch is being chased around and yet I get zero chase. He really does look like a foot, that’s what made me laugh, but I’m not better looking than foot either. If you’re going to chase Cumberbatch, you have to chase everyone of equal footishness, it’s like in gradeschool: you just have to bring enough gum for the whole class.

Now I understand the draw of an intellectual, but you realize Sherlock is a character he plays, right? He’s not actually Sherlock Holmes. He pretends to be smart, I pretend to be smart, so again, where are my young hipster fans? If Tiger Beat has come to this, Tiger Beat should come to me.

I think the main draw of Benedict Cumberbatch is not about his appearance or the parts he plays, but because he just has a fun name to say. This is not a person’s name like people aren’t just born Benedict Cumberbatch, that doesn’t happen. If there was a girl name Eldweena Mumblesnuff (and she didn’t have a third arm growing out of her face or, at least, covered it up with an awesome set of bangs), I would definitely have a crush on her. How could you not? Cumberbatch sounds like a Harry Potter character… and he’s British. Wait, is he a wizard?

What else?

I Answer How-To Questions… Poorly

I was watching the commercial for the Google Nexus 7; the one with the kid trying to give an oral presentation then some girl gives him bedroom eyes (which is kind of creepy because they’re like 12):

So, the message of this commercial is that the Nexus will help you overcome your greatest fears and it will get you laid. That’s not my inference, that’s the literal message of the commercial. However, the reality of the message is that this device does nothing. Nothing special, nothing that’s particular to this device helps him in his oral presentation. He Googled some stuff and watched a scene for The King’s Speech. You can go that on any mobile device now. Google isn’t really even the important element because most search engines will get you to Wikipedia just fine. So, the Nexus doesn’t actually help this kid with his speech and it probably won’t get him laid.

Which means that the actual message of this commercial is that the Internet can teach you stuff. Sites he found on the Internet taught him valuable life lessons.

Which puts the onus on me really. When you type something into Google, most times it’s not Google supplying you an answer. Most times it’s someone like me, who’s probably a jackass. It’s incredible when you think of it, the amount of blind faith people put into strangers to provide answers to anything. Which has made me go through my site to find all the questions pleading me to teach someone something, and how I’ve failed to provide even the slightest of relevant answers to them. The following are real questions I’ve been asked, which I’ve linked to the article that my site brings them to.

Q: How to cut bangs like Zooey Deschanel?
A: If you’re looking for a guide of how to cut your hair like Zooey Deschanel, you’ve come to the wrong place. If you’re looking for a mathematical breakdown of her bangs to face ratio then you’ve come the right place. Also, if you enjoy creeping out on pre-New Girl Zooey.

Q: How to grow a porno stache?
A: Porn staches are not grown, porn staches are born.

Q: How to tell a girl that her glasses look bad?
A: My advice is quickly then duck. Or don’t do it all because why? Side note: I really enjoy that there’s someone out there sweating over this and thinking, “She looks so ugly nerdy but she thinks she looks so cute nerdy. I must correct this injustice!”

Q: How to wear something ironically?
A: If you have to ask, you’re not ready for that D.A.R.E. t-shirt.

Q: How tall is Robert Picardo?
A: Google actually tells you the answer to this: 5’10”. It’s the first thing you see in a search. I never mentioned anything that remotely even comes close to addressing his height. What I do have is a description of Robert Picardo’s “webmaster” yelling at me. I put “webmaster” in quotes because I never really figured out what actual service they were providing.

Q: How do I stop my shirt buttons from unbuttoning?
A: I don’t know. I live in a world of constantly gyrating Chippendale-style dancing. I wear tear away pants and a smile. These buttons don’t know even know how to stay buttoned if they could, which they can’t. This article on superman ripping open his shirt will also not be of help.

Q: How handsome was James Taylor when he had hair?
A: One of the few questions I was ever able to answer… which is: very.

Q: How to know if you have a mullet?
A: Do you build gadgets out of paper clips, duct tape, and common household objects? If yes then you do have a mullet. If no then it could still be a mullet. Just feel the top of your head and then feel back of your head. Is it short on the top and long in the back? Alternative method: look in mirror.

Q: How to make real web shooter using only spray and old watch?
A: Is this a thing? If so, point me in that direction because I want to make one, too! All of my childhood dreams involved building robots made of garbage when I grew up. Unfortunately, I never grew into that man; I wrote this blog instead.

Q: How to switch bodies with another person?
A: This is one of the most asked questions to Wolf Gnards. Just last month I was asked a variation of this question over 200 times. Which doesn’t seem like a lot, but when you factor in that these were asked by real people who are legitimately asking how to swap bodies with someone, that’s a hell of a lot. By the way, my favorite variation was, “How to switch bodies with your BFF?” I don’t want to make anyone worried, but there should definitely be, at least, one person who should be very concerned if their Best Friend Forever ever comes at them with an ancient skull talisman. Also, you can’t switch bodies with your friend, don’t bother trying or Googling how to do it.

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