P0p Culture Bubble P0rn

I don’t understand bubble p0rn or Mormon p0rn. Actual p0rn is readily available in every corner drugstore; in fact, the vast majority of the Internet is composed of p0rn. It’s like the Beverly Hillbillies but instead of the Clampett’s swampland it’s the Internet, and instead of bubbling crude it’s porn. Poke a hole anywhere in the Internet and porn pours out, it’s a fact. I have enough trouble finding websites that aren’t porn, so why make fake porn?

Are circles intrinsically sexier than no circles? I understand the meaning behind bubble porn, it’s essentially conning god or your parents or whomever you’re trying to impress with your clean-cut porn selection, but is there anything else to it? Some biologists believe that roundness is a primitive sexual trait, and our bodies have evolved as such. Meaning Baby Got Back is Darwinian in nature.

Is it the circle or what’s underneath the circle that counts? Is bubble p0rn the next evolution of smut? And if so then what’s better than round? Double round!

Ms. Pac-Man


Little Miss


Mrs. Potato Head

Chicken McNuggets

Power Girl’s cleavage

Update (12/24/13): Adsense has flagged this post for obscene content. Circles, man... amiright? Too hot for TV... er... the Internet. Can't round with 'em, can't round without 'em.

Update2 (1/15/14): Spelled "p0rn" with a zeroes to further appease G00gle.

Update3 (1/16/14): Adsense has banned Wolf Gnards. I will leave the zeroes to show future generations that I tried. I turns out Mormons that your p0rn can fool God, but it can't fool Google.

Cyber Madness: Is Cap'n A Captain?

When I challenged Cap'n Crunch's captainhood he sent me this video, which does not answer a damn thing.

Eyebrows neither prove nor disprove anything.

Speaking of captains: Nyan Cap!

Speaking of speaking of captains: A Captain N action figure

This Captain N figure is composed from "Heroes Peter top half. Legs are from Savage Dragon and feet are from WWE Jon Cena." Which means Savage Dragon and Jon Cena need to put in a little leg time at the gym.

I'd write soething about Captain EO here, but I'm a little captained out.

Monster Nards: To Kick or Not to Kick?

What are the common werewolf weaknesses? You have your silvers (in bullet, bashing, or stabbing forms), mercury (it looks kind of like silver), wolfsbane (it has wolf in the name!). And, of course, the age old kick to the nards. Wolfmen have nards, it’s been well established (even though I can’t convince anyone it’s spelled “gnards”). But why the wolfman, why the nards, why does kicking a werewolf in the nards make so much goddamn sense? And who besides a werewolf can you kick in said nards. Some monsters have nards, some do not, and knowing the difference can save your life.

Lady Monsters Do NOT have Nards

Regardless of creature type, no female monster has nards. This goes for you succubi, your wicked witches, your Medusas, or your sexy lady vampires. They just don’t got them and kicking them there is going to piss them off. If you really need this explained to you then you’re just not ready to be on my teenage monster busting squadron. In my monster clubhouse, I don’t have the time or energy to explain all monster weaknesses to you and male and female body parts.

The Undead Don’t Need nards

If a monster cannot reproduce then you don’t need reproductive organs. It’s that simple: no babies, no sex, no nards, no kicking in the nards. This applies to any undead, walking dead, living dead, deadite, mummy, or zombie. Zombie nards will be amongst the first body parts to go. Without bones keeping things in place, zombie ears, noses, and nards will be popping off left in right. As to mummies, even if a mummy’s nards were preserved they’re in a ceramic jar someplace in Egypt. Maybe, if you find that jar and you kick that jar then, perhaps, a mummy could feel it, but I wouldn’t recommend it as a strategy.

Fish Don’t Have Nards

The nard status of any amphibian human hybrid is questionable at best. The Creature from the Black Lagoon, or Gill-Man, doesn’t have external sex organs. In fact, he’s nude all day long, you can clearly see there’s nothing going on south of the gills. Like mermaids, much of the aquatic creatures nard status depends on which is the fish half and which is the man half. This actually goes for any half man/ half animal. If the animal half doesn’t have nards then the creature probably doesn’t have nards either. So, some sort of human fly created in a transporter accident does not have nards.

Reanimated Nards

With Frankenstein’s Monster… nards are optional. It’s like a car, do you get it fully loaded or do you pay a little less for a car without all the bells and whistles. Nards are like the cup holders of the monster verse, they’re not particularly necessary. I mean why even make a horrible monster who’s sexually functional. I realize “mad” is part of the whole “mad scientist” thing, but that’s just not in good taste. It’s like Bob Barker said "spay or neuter your creatures."

The Problem of Insubstantial Nards

Ghosts being insubstantial makes having nards almost irrelevant. Whether they have them or not, it doesn’t matter. Even if they could use them, they can’t really be kicked in them. Although, the film High Spirits does feature ghost Laim Neeson getting kicked in the ghost nards. In the scene, the foot phases through Neeson's spectral crotch, but he feels it anyway. I would say that ghost nards depend on how human the ghost form is. A non-terminal repeating phantasm, or a Class 5 full roaming vapor, does not have nards. I would argue though that it’s always possible for one ghost to kick another ghost in the nards. However, practice would be needed.

Vampiric Nards

Vampires are questionable. They seem to fall into a lot of these no nard categories. Gas doesn’t have nards, but a bat does have nards. And they’re typically depicted as very sexual monsters, so it goes to say that a vampire has nards. The novel Dracula was symbolic of venereal disease, so based on this I would say a vampire does have nards but they’re not fully functioning nards. Vampirism… cough, syphilis… has eaten away at them. Kicking them may or may not do anything. So, you better stake them in the nards if you have chance.

My rule of thumb: if you don’t see nards, don’t assume there are nards.

Monsters without Nards
Freddy Krueger
Living Hand

Monsters with Nards
Giant Ape
Chucky (someone’s gotta check how they’re making those Good Guy dolls)

Monsters with Questionable Nards
Frankenstein’s Monster
Jason Voorhees

Hopefully this guide will help out in most of your average horror movie scenarios, and let you know the best scenarios for a nard kick.

Wolfman's Got Shirt!

Benedict Cumberbatch and other Cyberspace Madness

Jessica Misener of Buzzfeed has really crystallized I thought I’ve been having, what’s the deal with Benedict Cumberbatch?

Girls are chasing Cumberbatch around like he’s a Beatle or maybe a more contemporary band like Beatles Jr. or the MechaBeatles (I don’t know what you kids are disco dancing to). Now I don’t really have a problem with all the Cumberbatch love, but where’s my love. What about Smee!? Cumberbatch is being chased around and yet I get zero chase. He really does look like a foot, that’s what made me laugh, but I’m not better looking than foot either. If you’re going to chase Cumberbatch, you have to chase everyone of equal footishness, it’s like in gradeschool: you just have to bring enough gum for the whole class.

Now I understand the draw of an intellectual, but you realize Sherlock is a character he plays, right? He’s not actually Sherlock Holmes. He pretends to be smart, I pretend to be smart, so again, where are my young hipster fans? If Tiger Beat has come to this, Tiger Beat should come to me.

I think the main draw of Benedict Cumberbatch is not about his appearance or the parts he plays, but because he just has a fun name to say. This is not a person’s name like people aren’t just born Benedict Cumberbatch, that doesn’t happen. If there was a girl name Eldweena Mumblesnuff (and she didn’t have a third arm growing out of her face or, at least, covered it up with an awesome set of bangs), I would definitely have a crush on her. How could you not? Cumberbatch sounds like a Harry Potter character… and he’s British. Wait, is he a wizard?

What else?

I Answer How-To Questions… Poorly

I was watching the commercial for the Google Nexus 7; the one with the kid trying to give an oral presentation then some girl gives him bedroom eyes (which is kind of creepy because they’re like 12):

So, the message of this commercial is that the Nexus will help you overcome your greatest fears and it will get you laid. That’s not my inference, that’s the literal message of the commercial. However, the reality of the message is that this device does nothing. Nothing special, nothing that’s particular to this device helps him in his oral presentation. He Googled some stuff and watched a scene for The King’s Speech. You can go that on any mobile device now. Google isn’t really even the important element because most search engines will get you to Wikipedia just fine. So, the Nexus doesn’t actually help this kid with his speech and it probably won’t get him laid.

Which means that the actual message of this commercial is that the Internet can teach you stuff. Sites he found on the Internet taught him valuable life lessons.

Which puts the onus on me really. When you type something into Google, most times it’s not Google supplying you an answer. Most times it’s someone like me, who’s probably a jackass. It’s incredible when you think of it, the amount of blind faith people put into strangers to provide answers to anything. Which has made me go through my site to find all the questions pleading me to teach someone something, and how I’ve failed to provide even the slightest of relevant answers to them. The following are real questions I’ve been asked, which I’ve linked to the article that my site brings them to.

Q: How to cut bangs like Zooey Deschanel?
A: If you’re looking for a guide of how to cut your hair like Zooey Deschanel, you’ve come to the wrong place. If you’re looking for a mathematical breakdown of her bangs to face ratio then you’ve come the right place. Also, if you enjoy creeping out on pre-New Girl Zooey.

Q: How to grow a porno stache?
A: Porn staches are not grown, porn staches are born.

Q: How to tell a girl that her glasses look bad?
A: My advice is quickly then duck. Or don’t do it all because why? Side note: I really enjoy that there’s someone out there sweating over this and thinking, “She looks so ugly nerdy but she thinks she looks so cute nerdy. I must correct this injustice!”

Q: How to wear something ironically?
A: If you have to ask, you’re not ready for that D.A.R.E. t-shirt.

Q: How tall is Robert Picardo?
A: Google actually tells you the answer to this: 5’10”. It’s the first thing you see in a search. I never mentioned anything that remotely even comes close to addressing his height. What I do have is a description of Robert Picardo’s “webmaster” yelling at me. I put “webmaster” in quotes because I never really figured out what actual service they were providing.

Q: How do I stop my shirt buttons from unbuttoning?
A: I don’t know. I live in a world of constantly gyrating Chippendale-style dancing. I wear tear away pants and a smile. These buttons don’t know even know how to stay buttoned if they could, which they can’t. This article on superman ripping open his shirt will also not be of help.

Q: How handsome was James Taylor when he had hair?
A: One of the few questions I was ever able to answer… which is: very.

Q: How to know if you have a mullet?
A: Do you build gadgets out of paper clips, duct tape, and common household objects? If yes then you do have a mullet. If no then it could still be a mullet. Just feel the top of your head and then feel back of your head. Is it short on the top and long in the back? Alternative method: look in mirror.

Q: How to make real web shooter using only spray and old watch?
A: Is this a thing? If so, point me in that direction because I want to make one, too! All of my childhood dreams involved building robots made of garbage when I grew up. Unfortunately, I never grew into that man; I wrote this blog instead.

Q: How to switch bodies with another person?
A: This is one of the most asked questions to Wolf Gnards. Just last month I was asked a variation of this question over 200 times. Which doesn’t seem like a lot, but when you factor in that these were asked by real people who are legitimately asking how to swap bodies with someone, that’s a hell of a lot. By the way, my favorite variation was, “How to switch bodies with your BFF?” I don’t want to make anyone worried, but there should definitely be, at least, one person who should be very concerned if their Best Friend Forever ever comes at them with an ancient skull talisman. Also, you can’t switch bodies with your friend, don’t bother trying or Googling how to do it.

A Study in Batman: Or I Like Ben Affleck

Look, I like to hate things as much as the next guy; my little nerd heart grows three sizes with rage. I like to sit on my pop culture porch and scream at the kids to get off my lawn. But I need my rage to be actually connected to something that I’m legitimately angry about. My hatred needs to be drawn from life experiences and slowly processed over time. No manufactured, store-bought hate here. I can’t hate for the sake of hate, I want to hate things worth my hatred. Like Nazis or Robert Picardo (just kidding, Mr. Picardo, don’t sic your assistant on me again).

So, I’ll come out and say it… I like Ben Affleck.

Maybe, “like” is too strong a word though. I have no opinion of Ben Affleck, but if I did have an opinion (which I don’t), that opinion would fall on the positive side. He’s an okay actor, he’s an okay director, and he’s really okay at being friends with Matt Damon. All admirable things to be okay at. So, I just didn’t understand the internet backlash of him being cast as Batman.

Even Mrs. Gnards had an opinion, which was: Really? Okay… (those dot dot dots represents her still thinking about it, which she is).

So, why do we think he’d be horrible, and why do we care if he is?


Because He was in a Bad Movie… Once

The two most compelling internet arguments against Ben Affleck playing Batman are Gigli and Daredevil. Which is usually expressed as “I have one word for you: Gigli” or “I have two words for you: Dare… Devil.”

Gigli is a completely unfair argument because no one has ever seen this movie (if you claim to have seen this movie, please, support it with photograph evidence of you watching the credits with a frowny face). I’ve made fun of Gigli, but it’s like Ishtar in the 80's, it’s just a universally accepted bad movie that you don’t actually have to sit and watch to know that it’s bad. This is the laziest movie joke that can possibly be made. And while I don’t hate easily, I am very lazy (or have you not noticed I don’t post more than once a week?). But Affleck could be great in it, he could terrible, he could be okay, but we’ll never know. It’s like the pyramids, Gigli is one of the great mysteries of life. Ultimately, Gigli failed not because of Affleck but because the world was tired of seeing good things happen to him. Who is this lantern-jawed bastard to have such good things happen to him? Which interestingly we’ve returned to this same mindset with Batman. That and Gigli’s name. It’s nearly impossible to go to a movie theater and say, “One for Gigli, please.”

Daredevil, however, I have seen, and it’s not good but it’s not entirely terrible either. Far worse movies, far worse superhero movies, and far worse Marvel superhero movies have been made. Much like Ben Affleck himself, Daredevil is just there, mired in averageness. It could be worse. It could be the Dolph Lundgren Punisher, or the Thomas Jane Punisher or the whoever that other guy Punisher (which was actually a pretty decent Punisher, all Punishers considered). I don’t believe Daredevil was bad because of Ben Affleck either. It was just made in a time before Marvel knew how to make good movies (as in they just sold properties to the highest bidder and said, “Check, please.”). There's a long list of people who needed to care to make Daredevil a good movie before it fell on Affleck's shoulders.

Judging Affleck’s ability to play Batman like this is like judging Christian Bale by Newsies, or judging Michael Keaton by The Dream Team, judging Val Kilmer by some make believe bad Val Kilmer movie, or judging George Clooney from Batman & Robin. Pointing out anyone’s worst movie and saying that this is all they can do when they have a huge body of work that says otherwise is a ridiculous argument.

What's the Bat-Standard?

Ben Affleck played Daredevil as a vaguely mopey guy who didn’t know what was going on, and Christian Bale played Batman as a vaguely mopey guy who didn’t know what was going on. So, what’s the big deal?

If the only standard we have are the previous Batmen, all Ben Affleck has to do is be as good or better than Christian Bale… and that shouldn’t be a problem. Christian Bale was a mediocre Batman at best. Now before you race to the comment section to tell me “FAIL” or how much idiocy my idiotness has idioted, hear me out. I really love the Christopher Nolan Batman films, I liked them better than the Tim Burton films (and certainly better than the Joel Schumacher). But those movies weren’t good because Bale was the best Batman, those were just good movies that happened to have Batman in them.

Why Christian Bale’s Batman Sucked

His Voice
I don’t think I really have to mention his Batman voice, it’s generally accepted as awful. Both the police and criminals of Gotham must have incredible hearing because I would constantly be asking about, “What? Swar Tuna? You want me to ‘Swar Tuna?’” Batman and Bruce Wayne should have different voices, but it should probably be the other way around. Batman is essentially being himself when he's Batman, whereas, Bruce Wayne is the show he puts on for the public. Oh... swear to me… got it!

He never Knew What was Going on… Ever
This was supposed to be the World’s Greatest Detective? He spent three movies just wandering around aimlessly, hoping the bad guy would show up at his front door (which they mostly did). Ra's al Who? Harvey What? Talia How? Batman’s tricked by the Joker 4 times: he’s tricked at the assassination attempt, he’s tricked into capturing the Joker so the Joker could sneak a bomb into police headquarters, he’s tricked into rescuing Harvey (and the only reason Harvey was burned is because Batman did such a piss poor job of it), and then he’s tricked when Harvey was the target and not the Batman (which technically means the Joker won in the end because his only goal was to show how a good man could be corrupted and the only reason the public didn’t know is because they blamed Batman which turned the public opinion against Batman… which was Joker’s actual initial goal. He brought down the Batman).

Trick the Goddamn Batman once, shame on Goddamn you; trick the Goddamn Batman twice… the point is you can’t trick the Goddamn Batman.

Everyone Knows his Secret Identity

Secret is the only critical part of the Secret Identity. Ra's al Ghul, Morgan Freeman, some accountant, Catwoman, some cop… all figured out who he was. Ra's al Ghul is forgivable, he figured it out in the comic book and is generally accepted as a genius. But some accountant? If some accountant is figuring it out, everyone is figuring it out. I assume many people in the US government have seen the Tumbler. So, basically anyone who developed the Tumbler or any country that Wayne Tech tried to sell the Tumbler to, would immediately know Wayne Tech was involved with, at least, arming Batman(combine that with Bruce Wayne just showing up from Asia at the same exact time Karate Chops a Lot pops up on the scene in rubber mask).

Then he outright told Rachel and Gordon. Instead of say being like Batman and just leaving like a ninja, Christian Bale likes to wax poetic about little kids wearing coats. The Batman doesn’t give verbal clues to who he is, he leaves mid sentences because he’s busy grappling things and punching bad guys.

But at the end of the day, these aren’t really Christian Bale complaints. These are minor story elements that were so minor they never took me out of the story. However, I can’t give his performance the reverence so many of you are willing to give it. He was as okay as we all know Ben Affleck is capable of being okay.

Why Ben Affleck will be a Good Batman

The main thing going for Affleck is head size. A good Batman needs a generously sized head. Otherwise, you’ll get lost in the mask. Batman needs a high chin to nose proportion with a larger than average forehead. Check, check, and check. Ben Affleck has a head two Ron Perlmans bigger than Christian Bale's. What makes Batman is ultimately not the man behind the mask, but the head that fills it.

Batman sizes
Not to scale.

Final Bat-Thoughts
Favorite Batman: Adam West
Best Batman: Kevin Conroy
Batman I Picture when I Think of Batman: Michael Keaton
Most Underrated Batman: Valentine Kilmer

Affleck may not be able capable of cracking this list, but I'd like to see him try. And if he fails THEN the belittling can begin.

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