I just got back from Amsterdam, there will be pictures soon, but until then I figured I'd share with you some pictures you might actually enjoy. It's a proven fact: nerds love Natalie Portman. We got to have her. It's in the nerd bylaws. Here are the key reasons we love her so:
- Natalie Portman is smart. Like insanely super smart. She went to Harvard and to be honest that intimidates me more than how good looking she is.
- Natalie Portman is indie. What this means is that she's a little different, possibly a little quirky, and for some reason we believe this makes her attainable.
- Natalie Portman makes films geeks love. While she may or may not be a geek herself, she's in movies geeks love, namely the Star Wars prequels and V for Vendetta. Portman is a Fanboy's wet dream. She's like 8 Princess Leia gold bikinis rolled up into one.
But mainly we love her because she's hot. Very hot. She makes me feel funny deep down in my wolf gnards. The only draw back with Natalie Portman is her penchant for indie douches. Gael García Bernal, Jake Gyllenhaal, Adam Levine, and Devendra Banhart to name a few. For those of us that can't pull off bizarre facial hair, it leaves us painfully bereft of Portman.
By this time tomorrow I'll be well on my way to Amsterdam, got my passport, got my Euros, got all the hot spots marked on a little plastic map. A week of debauchery and money to burn (nerds get paid money for services rendered, much more money than those damn Alpha Betas!). However, since Amsterdam is a city of intrigue, dangerous things can happen. The shit can go down. I've got a secret wallet, but is that enough?
If I don't make it back, if for some unknown reason this is my final blog than these are the events that have most likely unfolded...
I think I'll be fine, more than fine, let's hope.
Until 911 comes barging in, your blogger in Amsterdam,
J. Douglas Musashi
This is probably the best fan made movie trailer I've ever seen...
How does anyone have this sort of time on their hands? I barely have enough energy to wake up in the morning. Most of these fan made movies usually involve much more motivated nerds than myself jumping around in home made spandex suits, but this is just beautifully done. Most guys the edit just splice film together, but this geek put a little effort into it to transform like 5 bad movies into something spectacular.
Thunder Cats, Ho!
Dead, Corgan, or Taco Bell—sounds like the worst variation of Fuck, Marry, or Kill ever, but are the possible fates of Jerry Supiran. Supiran played Jamie Lawson on the sitcom Small Wonder. I work at a job where I'm at a computer all day and I occasionally have some time to kill, which means I end up googling things like Small Wonder. Not really much to say about a bad show with bad actors, the most successful one being Mrs. Poole. However, the interesting one is Jerry Supiran, who played the non-android little bro. Or I guess older brother. Or youngly humanoid of indeterminate age. The reason Supiran is fascinating is because for some reason the internet rumors fly fast and furious with him. It seems just about every blogger has a Jerry Supiran theory.
The most popular theories include that he grew up to become Billy Corgan, he's alive and well working at Taco Bell, or he died in 1994. The odds that Jerry Supiran grew up to be the front man of the Smashing Pumpkins is slim at best. This rumor most likely grew because Supiran looks vaguely like a young Billy Corgan, the same way people thought Marylin Manson played Paul on The Wonder Years. But I've never actually seen Corgan's birth certificate, so who knows. He could have definitely faked his own death to shed his Small Wonder image and start an alt rock band. The Taco Bell rumor is simply to play off the little success that Supiran has had post-Small Wonder. The rumor insists that Jerry either quit acting (or most likely acting quit Jerry), and he fell so far that he's working the taco line at the Bell in Central California.
The death rumor is probably the most persistent for Supiran. It's also the easiest to fake. In fact, Wikipedia has gotten in on the act, “Jerry passed away at the age of 21 due to a long-term complications stemming from a severe heart murmur. Jerry is survived by one son who he fathered in 1991. Jerry was no stranger to trouble in his adult life, his struggles with alcohol addiction adding to his existing heart problems.” Wikipedia has also stated, “Jerry's life was no 'Small Wonder.'” That's my favorite because I'm sure that's how Supiran would want his death to be listed, in fact, I'm sure that's what it says on his tomb stone. Wikipedia has since removed all the death remarks, but I'm sure they will return. This is because bloggers such as myself have little to no lives. Faking celebrity deaths are right up there with Rickrolling, it's just good old fashioned internet fun, before things got all mean girl on MySpace.
How to Fake a Death
The secret to faking a good celebrity death is to supply details and pick the right celebrity to kill. Details such as “fathered a child in 1991,” “struggles with alcohol,” and “heart problems.” And the right celebrity is someone no one cares about, but is still immensely interested in. This being a nice D-list celebrity that used to be on a show that people sort of remember and people sort of maybe liked. For instance, Michael Ray Bower who played “Donkey Lips” on Salute your Shorts died in 2007 after a long battle with Hoof-and-Mouth Disease. He passed away in Tarzana surrounded by friends and family. You read that and you say, “Hoof-and-Mouth Disease? That's weird, too weird not to be true.” And dying surrounded by loved ones, that does sound like something Donkey Lips would do. We could even say that Bower always had Hoof-and-Mouth and that's why they named his character Donkey Lips. Extra facts might include something about Michael Bower playing background characters in pornos, and while he never actually had sex on tape, here's a video of Donkey Lips naked. And now that it's out there in cyberspace, the death of Donkey Lips is true.
A Jerry Supiran Update
Why he didn't reach out to Wolf Gnards, we might never know. But if you're out there, if you're listening, we're here for you, Jerry.
In the honor of the Oscars, I thought I'd put together my own little award show: The Uggies, Great Achievements in Male Ugliness. A winner of an Uggie is more than just looking like Sloth, that type of ugly is just way too easy. An Uggie Award is for those that fall on the line, somewhere between plain and grotesque. An Uggie winner can't star in a monster movie outright, but if Jason removed his mask, you wouldn't be surprised if you saw him there. An Uggie doesn't make children scream, but his ugly face just might make it into a few bed wetting nightmares.
Our first Uggie goes to... it's a tie! It's a toss up between two professional basketball players known more for their dismal mugs than their on the court skills.
Chris Kaman is the gold standard for athletic ugliness. He's this generations top BWG (Big White Goon). And while the likes of Jon Koncak, Bill Wennington, Luc Longley, and Shawn Bradley were never known for their good looks, but Chris Kaman makes them look like Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models. Kaman is bald and somehow has long hair, he has acne, and weird horse teeth. He has a little bit of a pale Bubba Gump Shrimp thing going on. Possibly the ugliest man to ever dribble a basketball.
Adam Morrison is the ugliest player ever to be drafted by Michael Jordan. While Morrison does not possess the raw ugliness of Chris Kaman, he has not yet reached his full ugly potential. The thing that really bothers me about Morrison (besides the fact that he can't hit a jump shot) is that his ugliness is largely self imposed. The ugg source obviously being the rat-stache and 1970's bushy bushy brown hairdo, the guy looks like a 70's porn star. If you can't grow a mustache then don't grow a mustache, it's that simple.
Morrison and Kaman have a few things in common, which is why they're co-MVU's (Most Valuable Uggies). They both have medical disorders: Chris Kaman has ADHD and Adam Morrison has type 1 diabetes. The question is are they ugly because they're diseased or are they diseased because they're ugly. Since, Morrison was recently traded to the Lakers, they also both play ball in Los Angeles (Kaman plays for the Clippers). Paris Hilton better watch out because these BWG's are hitting the LA scene!
Honorable Mention: Robert Swift
From killer monkeys to bears, oh my. Like Cool features its sleeping bag alternative, the sleeping bear. I think its safe to say, we're all afraid of bear attacks. I hate them and you hate them. It's like you're out camping with that special lady and someone decides to whip out the honey and you get a little sticky. Then, of course, she decides it's time for a little fish play. A recipe for disaster with hungry bears lurking behind every tree trunk. The sleeping bear is the perfect solution: it's cozy, it's warm, it easily fits two, and it protects you from viscous bears. This is why they invented camouflage. See a bear sees a sleeping bear in your camp and it says, "I want to go in there and eat those campers all up, but the bear already has dibs, and I respect that."
I really want to buy me a sleeping bear sleeping bag, unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be for sale. But I'm pretty sure I can make it my self. All I need is a bear, a gun, and a zipper.
J. Douglas Musashi