My Lesbian Indie Crush: Tegan and Sara

When I first saw Tegan & Sara, I thought to myself, "I think I have a crush on them." Then I thought, "And I think they might be lesbians." As it turned out the indie pop rockers do happen to be lesbians, but it matters not to my crush--they're cute no matter what their sexual preference may be.

Dee Dee Supreme tries to cheer me up sometimes by saying, "I totally think only one of them is a lezzy lez and the other is just pretending for the sake of the act." But a nerd crush isn't about reciprocal love! I have as much of a chance with Tegan or Sara as I do with Natalie Portman and Tina Fey. It's the dream that counts not my sad sack reality (although, my reality does include the ever awesome Dee Dee who tries to set me up with cute lesbians... how many nerds can say they have a girl like that).

But I digress. Tegan and Sara are not the typical nerd crush... they're indie, they're musicians, and it looks like they're not very good at math. However, what they lack in nerd they make up for in dork. Tegan & Sara Quin are twins. Dork. They mostly likely speak of twin language. Tegan has a ptosis in her left eye. Dork. A ptosis is also known as Dork eye or Popeye. Tegan & Sara are Canadian. Dork.

Tegan and Sara
Tegan and Sara Sunglasses
Tegan and Sara hair
Tegan and Sara

They also rock the mullet as well as the mic. I can see where straight men might not be attracted to them, their might just a little too much gym teacher intimidation going on. But I really do think they make the mullet look good. And, yes, I am hypnotized whenever Roadhouse is on the television, but mullets are hard to pull off and it takes a super cute dork to do it. I'm also a big fan of their sound (They rock the moog--the dorkiest of synthesizers), and sometimes I like to imagine that they're writing songs for my female lesbian doppelganger, but perhaps I've shared too much.

Your mulletless dork-eyed blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi

Dragonball Z Movies

I can't say that I had any high hopes for Dragonball: Evolution, but I did hope it would be somewhat watchable. The problem is that running around in an orange jumpsuit is kind of gay. And I hate using gay in such a context, but the trailer for Dragonball: Evolution can only be called gay. And flaming balls from his fingertips are also gay. The further problem the studio had though was that if they don't put Goku in an orange jumpsuit with flaming balls from his fingertips than Fanboys like myself are going to get all snarky.

My problem is that Goku just doesn't seem like Goku. He's link a whinny teenager. Goku has no angst, he just kickass. I feel like he's going to talk about his feelings and stand around on a boat (an easy listening tune somewhere in the background). The idea of a live action DBZ movie is irresistible, the actuality just looks dreadful. The only way to do a live action Dragonball movie is to not do it all.

The Mystery of the 3 Seashells

Link: http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/three-seashells/

Sylvester Stallone & I-Mockery Explain the Mystery of the 3 Seashell

There are many mysteries in the future, the most bizarre of which just might be: How will we wipe our asses? How will our children's children's children take care of business? A disintegration ray? Some sort of hover conversion system? Or perhaps the 3 seashells? The one thing everyone wanted to know from Demolition Man was just how the three seashells worked.

When I was kid I imagined there must have been some sort of light system like Simon. How that wipes you, I have no idea, but that's the best my mind could come up with. Fortunately, the writers of Demolition Man had far greater dreams.

In a 2006, interview with Ain't It Cool, Sly Stallone revealed what he was told by Demolition Man screenwriter Peter Lenkov:
OK, this may be bordering on the grotesque, but the way it was explained to me by the writer is you hold two seashells like chopsticks, pull gently and scrape what’s left with the third.

But for those of you that need a more visual representation of the wonders of toilet seashells, I-Mockery has presented a handy dandy diagram:

Demolition Man 3 Seashells

Natalie Portman Gangsta Rap

Before I shut up about the wonders of Natalie Portman, I thought I'd share this just in case you were hiding under a rock.

You horny nerds have made Natalie Portman #1 search term on Wolf Gnards. Beating out Rufio, Air Bud, and Small Wonder's Jerry Supiran (He's alive and well by the way). Natalie is a bad ass bitch. It goes to show if you post her, nerds will come.

Separated at Birth: Wozniak and Donkey Kong

Wozniak and Donkey Kong


Steve Wozniak was booted off of Dancing with the Stars, and can finally leave behind the fast paced world of competitive dancing to return to his carefree life of a nerdionaire (nerd billionaire). Don't feel bad for Woz though. America no longer has to suffer through Wozniak's bad dancing and Wozniak can continue to swim in his money bin (3.6 billion worth). It's a win/win situation. It looks like the twitter nation and mac users around the world just didn't have enough pull to keep Steve Wozniak in the contest. And even though Woz is off of Dancing with the Stars, his legend lives on. And no I'm not talking about the iPhone or Apple Computer. His wireless hardware, Wheels of Zeus? Hardly. Steve Wozniak's legacy is a gorilla in a red tie.

Steve Wozniak is, in fact, Donkey Kong. The facial similarities are too much to be ignored, but it's not just the spot on looks. Woz's friend and co-founder, Steve Jobs, dropped out of college to work for Atari. Atari would go on to license such games as Pac-Man and... Donkey Kong. Coincidence? It was Steve Jobs that got Wozniak in with Atari founder Nolan Bushnell. Before Apple was even a glimmer, Wozniak designed games for Atari such as Breakout. It's easy to to see that Japan would take notice of Wozniak, his beard, his jowls, and his Breakout skills. In fact, Japanese game publisher Taito would go on to port Breakout as Arkanoid. They knew Wozniak existed and they went out of their way to copy without his permission.

Surely a meeting took place in Tokyo that went something like this: “Look at these upstart Americans moving in on video games with their body hair and man boobs... let us make him a monkey.” And so it was said and so it was done.

Apple went public in 1980. Donkey Kong was released by Nintendo in 1981. The computer industry was a small world in the 80's. Were paths never crossed? When Donkey Kong creator Shigeru Miyamoto was trying to picture a "stupid and goofy" ape, how could his mind not wander to Steve Wozniak. Urban legend states that original names for Donkey Kong were Monkey Kong and Woz Kong.

While there's no undisputed evidence that Donkey Kong is based of of Steve's friendly grin if I was ever around Woz holding a barrel I would be prepared to jump.

Zatanna on Smallville

Zatanna Zatara


Zatanna Zatara made a guest spot on Smallville. Nothing more than a bad actress on a bad show, but still it's Zatanna. How often is there going to be a living, breathing witch in fishnet stockings. They're not going to make a Zatanna movie any time soon, so I've got to take what I can get, right? I've had a crush on Zatanna since Batman: The Animated Series. Even at 10, I knew those legs looked good. That's how I liked to remember her, too, as the leggy illusionist whose father helped train Bruce Wayne to be an escape artist. That didn't happen at all in DC continuity. Zatanna's father, John Zatara, was a real sorcerer and she like her father performed real magic using by speaking backwards.

So, when they announced Zatanna was going to be on Smallville, I got mildly excited. I haven't watched Smallville in years. I gave it much more of a shot than it deserved and watched for several seasons, mainly because it's Superman and Kristin Kreuk was so cute. However, I just got tired of the bad acting, terrible writing, and so-so special effects. But Zatanna got me to flip over for another 60 minutes.

I originally planned to rip into Smallville's portrayal of Zatanna, but I've had some time to calm down. Serinda Swan plays Zatanna Zatara in this very special episode of Smallville. In the episode Hex, she turned Chloe into Lois Lane and, of course, wackiness ensued. Then Zatanna cast a spell on Clark to make him forget his super powers and, of course, wackiness ensued. Then Green Arrow pranced around and wackiness ensued. Now what I was really planning to bite into was Serinda Swan as Zatanna. The problem is Serinda simply is not hot enough for Zatanna. Then I actually felt really bad for her. Here we have Serinda, a perfectly beautiful actress, that all of a sudden will have a legion of nerds saying she is not hot enough. I think we can criticize her acting, but it is Smallville, so it's not like she was acting with Lawrence Olivier. Next to Erica Durance's overacting and Tom Welling's constant smirking, Serinda was a very passable actress. So, we turn to her looks to pick apart. I mean she's fine looking, she has the dark hair, she almost have the eyes, but her legs are just not Zatanna legs, and for that we'll bash her. Here is a girl who in all likelihood would not even consider sitting next to a guy like me, and I have the nerve to say she's ugly.

But maybe she needs that, though. She's going around thinking she's a Zatanna level of hotness. If she thinks she's too good to sit next to me, she's sadly mistaken. Plenty of beautiful women have sat next to me. Dee Dee Supreme sits next to me almost every single day. But I digress. Isn't it enough to see Zatanna? Must I be nit picking? Must I be unsatisfied. Can't I just appreciate a hot chick in silk stockings?

No.

Yours truly, the homely man with an empty seat,
J. Douglas Musashi