Wolf Gnards

I don’t remember who first made this observation, it was probably Nietzsche or Noam Chomsky, but it holds true either way, “Bruce Willis is the Best.” Not that he’s the best human being or the best actor, but that he continually plays the best and he plays the best well (the best at the being best?). Again, this does not mean that Bruce Willis always plays the best of men, it’s just that they are the best at what they do, and what they do is mostly blowing things up.

Whatever your specialty is, your goal in life should be to be the Bruce Willis of your field. And this is more than just being the best at what you do, but should the government need assistance they would call you to put together a crack team. For instance, if there was a pop culture disaster, I would want Billy Bob Thornton to say, “We need Wolf Gnards.” Then I would drill a hole in the pop culture and drop in useless charts and graphs until it implodes on its own self importance.

Examples of Bruce Willis Besttitude

Hudson Hawk – World’s Best Thief
Last Man Standing – Best Gangster Gunslinger in Town
The Fifth Element – World’s Best Intergalactic Military Specialist/Taxi Driver
The Jackal – World’s Best Assassin
Armageddon – World’s Best Offshore Oil Driller
The Sixth Sense – Best Child Psychologist in Philadelphia
Bandits – Best Bank Robber
Planet Terror – Leader of Best Special Forces Unit in Iraq

Not Stated as the Best, But still Pretty Damn Good

Die Hard – A Damn Fine Cop
The Last Boyscout – Ex-Secret Service Agent (Once Saved the President) Turned Down and Out Detective, and Possibly the Best Boyscout.
Striking Distance – Best Boat Cop
Twelve Monkeys – Best Time Travel subject
The Whole Nine Yards – Best Hitman
Unbreakable – Best at not Breaking
Ocean’s Twelve – Himself, ie World’s Best Actor
Sin City – Most Honest Detective in Basin City

As well as being the best, Willis has also specialized in being several high ranking military officials.

By tabulating all of Bruce Willis’s films, we find that he plays the world’s greatest something, the leading expert in whatever, or random high ranking army dude 34 times, that means he’s the best roughly 63% of the time.

Hudson Hawk is probably the greatest entryway into the Bruce Willis psyche. Remember that he wrote and directed that cinematic masterpiece. It’s pure Bruce Willis, or better yet a window of how he sees himself. It’s like if Tim Burton looks in the mirror and sees Johnny Depp, Bruce Willis looks and sees Hudson Hawk: the World’s Greatest Cat Burglar who’s as clever as Leonardo da Vinci and with enough sex appeal to make a Nun moan.

What’s interesting is that while, Willis is clearly the best most of time. He’s almost a despicable character almost as much as a completely average Joe. But this could just be the movies, Bruce Willis with a gun is far more interesting than Bruce Willis the Used Car Salesmen.

But here’s a suggestion for Hollywood, Bruce Willis and Jeff Goldblum in a buddy picture called Best & Brightest. Take it, free of charge.

Just when you thought I forgot the Hiro Meter… it returns. Not with so much a vengeance, but a meek whah-whah. The Hiro Meter has been running straight through Chapter 7 & 8 and currently stands at a whopping +2. Yes, Hiro is a positive Asian influence.

Chapter 7
Chapter 7 was the all Hiro, all the time episode and is pretty much the soul source of any positive energy. Let’s break it down.

Time Travel Jokes… +1. Namely “Oh Boy” and “Great Scotto.” Maybe, a little racist the way he said it, but any Quantum Leap reference can’t help but put me in a good mood.
Hiro’s pissed face… +1. He shows actual emotion that isn’t adorable. Ok, so his pissed face is kind of adorable, but it’s something in the right direction.
Fights toe to toe with Sylar… +1. Even though Hiro stands off in the goofiest possible of manners, he does face off with Sylar and lives. Not bad for little Masi Oka.
Messes with the Space Time Continuum… -1. He should know better. The writers keep making Hiro make the same mistakes over and over again.
Charlie Loves Hiro… +1. I kept expecting them to have Charlie say something like, “Oh, Hiro we’re just friends, and even though I’ve never met him I think I’m in love with Peter Petrelli.” A plus one for that not happening.

Chapter 8
No Hiro… -1. Yet another Hiroless episode of Heroes. They could have, at least, had Hiro eating cotton candy in the background or something.

I saw this at the store and couldn’t resist the limited edition Jones Soda Candy Corn. I saw the wolfman and thought there needed to be the an official beverage of Wolf Gnards. Sounds kind of gross, and I probably wouldn’t classify the flavor as good. But it’s not as bad as a candy corn soda could be. The drink actually tastes a little more like cream soda. Like it or not, who could say no to a tall glass of werewolf?

Check out some of their other spooky flavors.

Someday all men will be viewed as equal and on that day they will be wearing silver matching jumpsuits. A vast see of wearable aluminum foil. Silver jump suits are the ultimate in future apparel, but the question has always remained when? When will the future arrive? When will I , too, get to be a future man? Perhaps, today!?

Bundle Up in Lite-Brite

Captain Electric and Battery Boy is the clothing line of the future. All of it functional, none of it practical, this is what we will be wearing when we’re tooling around in our flying cars. The fabric necklaces named Itchy (using static electricity to power lights around the neck) is perfect for finding lost keys… around your neck or lighting dark spaces… around your neck. The Captain Electric project was to incorporate kinetic energy into clothing. Three different designs were demonstrated: Itchy, Sticky, and Stiff.

Itchy

Sticky

Why, yes, her arms are attached to her waist. For what purpose? Only time will tell.

Stiff

Hmmm… will humps be coming to fashion week? Actually, it holds some sort of boom box because iPods won’t be available in the World of Tomorrow.

Bangs of the future.

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Hiro missing again.

Hiro is missing again from Heroes, this should be worth a negative one, I mean he shouldn’t be missing this often. He could arguably be the most popular character on the show (yes, AFTER your precious Peter Petrelli, white America), so to be gone this often either means NBC hates Asians or Tim Kring has a personal grudge against Masi Oka. But I enjoyed Matt Parkman getting knocked around, and he’s not even Asian. In the Heroes universe, being fat is just as bad as being Asian, so a fat Asian would probably be the ultimate punching bag. And you have to love the promo for the next episode, which promises Hiro galore.

The big question is with Geocities gone how will I ever let you know how I feel about the Backstreet Boys. Geocities is gone, but not forgotten.

Yahoo spent 3 billion dollars on a website that never turned a profit. And somehow it never occurred to Yahoo to make the site good? I’m familiar with WordPress and other blogging software, it’s pretty easy to make good looking sites. In fact, you can do much better than I’ve done myself with my feeble wolfie abilities. But it seemed Geocities cornered the market on crappiness. Were users stuck with dancing girls?

So, here’s a better business model, Yahoo. Buy WolfGnards.com for 3 million dollars (that’s a mere .1% what you paid for Geocities). Then proceed to run Wolf Gnards into the ground through inactivity and poor business strategy (hell, I only update this site like twice a week, so I’m practically not doing the work for you already). Like Geocities the public gets nothing, you get kudos for not wasting nearly so much money this time, and I get $3 million (some of which I will use to invest in CoyoteNuts).