Wolf Gnards

Just in time for all those Snuggie pug crawls… the Wuggie. Just like the classic Snuggie, but with 15% more Weezer goodness. Yes, that’s right, Alt Rock band Weezer is lending their name to the Snuggie line of sleaved blankets. Or is it Snuggie is lending their name to Weezer?

Apparently, Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo is a huge fan of Snuggie blankets. And who isn’t? I often like to pretend I’m in a Baptist choir myself. There must be some geek rock fans at Snuggies because they are honoring the 90’s group with their very own line of Snuggies, officially dubbed the Wuggies.

“A Wuggie is basically exactly like a Snuggie, except it says Weezer on it. The people at Snuggie are doing it with us and promoting it with us. It’s a totally legit Snuggie,” Cuomo told Rolling Stone Magazine.

In other news, Ben Folds is endorsing his own line of ShamWow towels tentatively called BenWows. BenWows are currently in beta testing.

To celebrate Memorial Day, I thought we’d honor one of the ultimate All-American Nerd icons: Wonder Woman. Technically, of course, she’s not an American, she’s from the Amazonian Isle of Themyscira, but I think her star spangled panties speak toward her patriotism (insert saluting flag joke here). Wonder Woman is interesting because she wasn’t created by just any old geek, but by Dr. William Moulton Marston, a psychologist. In other words, a professional nerd. Besides creating Wonder Woman, Dr. Marston also invented the Lie Detector… hmmm, sounds a lot like a magic Lasso of Truth.

Dr. Marston was one of the great comic pioneers because he was one of the few intellectuals of the 1940’s who believed in the educational potential of comic books. DC comics (National Periodicals at the time) eventually hired Dr. Marston as an educational consultant. This lead to the good doctor to creating a character himself, someone originally conceived who would triumph not with fists or firepower, but with the power of love.

To bring Wonder Woman to life, William Marston drew upon the women of his life: namely Elizabeth “Sadie” Holloway Marston and Olive Byrne. It was his wife, Sadie Marston’s idea to even make the character a woman. Legend has it the conversation went like this, “Come on, let’s have a Superwoman! There’s too many men out there.” However, there’s much evidence to support that Wonder Woman also drew on Olive Bryne, the doctor’s live in mistress. Say what!? That’s right, Wonder Woman’s a freak. Whatever twisted fantasy you already had, it’s time to take it up a notch. Olive Bryne was a student of Marston’s who later entered into a polyamorous relationship with both Sadie and William. It definitely puts a new spin on the DC trinity of Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.

However, even with a open relationship, the far kinky side of Wonder Woman involves her super powers. Wonder Woman would lose her powers if her wrists were bound together. Many early comics involved elaborate schemes to get Wonder Woman tied down. Of course, it actually does have a somewhat feminist point of view, for as hard as the bad guys tried to bend Wonder Women to their will, she always broke free, and she always triumphed over men. The crazier the sadomasochist dilemma, the greater the triumph. Marston’s idea of femininity was a 6-foot-tall Amazon with a golden lasso that forced obedience on the snared. It’s a little like my love for female volleyball players (although with less lassos and more knee socks). I loved in The Brave & the Bold when Wonder Woman and Superman were side by side and she towered over him. In Marston’s mind, women not only held the potential to be as good as men: they could be superior.

A Wonder Woman movie has been in development hell for years. Pretty much any actress with brown hair and a sexy body has been attached to play Wonder Women at some point in time. Jennifer Lopez, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Connelly, Mariah Carey, Rachel Bilson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Beyoncé, Charisma Carpenter, Morena Baccarin (so cute), Jessica Biel, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Katherine Heigl, and Megan Fox. If you’re a brunette in Hollywood and you haven’t been tapped to play Wonder Woman then you’re career is probably not going well. The Sandra Bullock Wonder Woman project was probably the closest one to happening and that wasn’t terribly close at all. Personally, I wouldn’t mind Linda Carter.

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There’s a growing movement on the internet that Ferris in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off does not exist. Much like Brad Pitt’s character in Fight Club, Mathew Broderick’s character is simply a figment of Cameron’s fractured mind. That’s, of course, why internet pundits have dubbed it The Ferris Bueller Fight Club Theory or the Bueller/Durden Derivative. It’s pretty simple really: there is no Ferris, only Cameron. The Bueller Fight Club Theory was perhaps first postulated by Cool Papa Bell at Metatalk.

This is what Papa Bell has to say:

My favorite thought-piece about Ferris Bueller is the “Fight Club” theory, in which Ferris Bueller, the person, is just a figment of Cameron’s imagination, like Tyler Durden, and Sloane is the girl Cameron secretly loves.

One day while he’s lying sick in bed, Cameron lets “Ferris” steal his father’s car and take the day off, and as Cameron wanders around the city, all of his interactions with Ferris and Sloane, and all the impossible hijinks, are all just played out in his head. This is part of the reason why the “three” characters can see so much of Chicago in less than one day — Cameron is alone, just imagining it all.

It isn’t until he destroys the front of the car in a fugue state does he finally get a grip and decide to confront his father, after which he imagines a final, impossible escape for Ferris and a storybook happy ending for Sloane (“He’s gonna marry me!”), the girl that Cameron knows he can never have.

It’s a fun theory to bat around because Cameron is the timid everyman and Ferris the outgoing superman. We could apply this to everything: Bugs Bunny is just in Porky’s mind, Zack Morris is just a splinter of Screech, and Sam Beckett is not only leaping through time but monitoring himself as Al… wah? Maybe, it doesn’t work with everything. The Bueller/Durden Derivative isn’t without its hiccups. The entire movie being a part of Cameron’s delusional mind doesn’t quite ring with Fight Club. Tyler Durden was more than an imaginary friend, he was multiple personality off shoot of Jack’s warped mind. This would mean that Cameron simply doesn’t dream Ferris, but that Cameron is Ferris, and would put Sloane into the same role as Marla Singer, dating both Cameron and Ferris. Because why would Cameron go through the time of imagining up his dream girl only to put her in the arms of another man?

The biggest flaws with the Bueller Fight Club theory are the side stories. That being the stories of Jeanie and Rooney. What do these stories have to do with Cameron? Why would Cameron conjure up an imaginary sister for an imaginary Ferris? And why is Rooney after Ferris when it is Cameron who is ditching school? We can break everything down as every character representing some peace of Cameron’s wounded psyche, but I think we have to actually strive to fit the pieces together.

And while this isn’t a flaw, why is Cameron missing from the entire ending? If it’s truly his story then the story should end with Ferris and Cameron’s parting. However, this is how the ending would make sense for me: Cameron isn’t just imagining a perfect ending for Ferris, but is experiencing the perfect ending in heaven. After the 1961 Ferrari 250 GT fell out of the garage, Cameron’s father naturally murdered his son perhaps with some sort of lead pipe. The ending wouldn’t be Cameron’s fevered imagination, but how he perceives the afterlife. Which strangely enough for Cameron involves Matthew Broderick on a trampoline. But who’s heaven doesn’t?

All in all, a fun theory, and you’ll have a good time both defending it and breaking it apart.

This is what I love about Youtube, the surprisingly high production values. If I made this it would most likely involve a paper cup and like nerf ball. While, not Hollywood quality, it’s much better than a regular person should pull off. Just imagine the time and money spent for 40 seconds on Youtube, you have to applaud dedication like that. To me though, the most impressive thing was he got, at least, 3 of his buddies to dress up in full stormtrooper. I’m good for one dude for my wacky shenanigans, as in I could get one dude to show up (oddly enough, always a different dude). But there’s no way I could get him to dress up. He might wear the helmet, then the film would take a slight divergence where we explain why the stormtrooper is wearing a Hong Kong Phooey t-shirt and cargo pants.

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Borders Bookstores are removing graphic novels from many of their stores. So, to combat declining sales, Borders decided to sell fewer books? Create fewer reasons to enter the store? That’s like if sales in McDonald’s were down to decide to stop selling French Fries. I for one love French Fries… and coincidentally love graphic novels. It’s one of the few reasons I go to Borders. So, why would Borders stop selling comic books; well, essentially they’re saying they don’t want my kind.

There hasn’t been a more egregious insult to the book reading public since the Nazi book burnings. Sounds funny, at first, but take in all the persecutions comic book nerds have endured. It might actually be more reminiscent of the 1948 comic book burnings when a group of priests, teachers, and parents took it upon themselves to burn hundreds of comic books. Of course, it also brings to mind Fredric Wertham’s Seduction of the Innocent, the book the helped create the comic backlash of the 50’s. Wertham claimed comics were immoral and caused anti-social behavior and even homosexuality (Batman & his ol’ chum, Robin, as proof). Have comic books ever really recovered from that stigma? On a smaller, more personal level, how many bullies have ripped in two an Amazing Spider-Man #315 featuring the return of Venom? How many mother’s have thrown away vast comic book collections. Almost with a sad desperation, comic book fans have tried to be taken seriously, have clung to the illusion of respectability. What Borders is saying is that comic books are not literature. What Borders is saying is that comic books don’t belong with the literary excellence of People Magazine and Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. Personally, I don’t have a problem with Twilight or Harry Potter, but if Borders is going to sell Twilight necklaces they can damn well sell X-men comics. Borders isn’t calling for the end of comic books like Wertham, they’re simply labeling comic books as irrelevant. Perhaps, in a lot of ways that’s much worse.

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There are many action figures I’ve coveted in the past (isn’t that in the Bible, Thou Shall Not Covet thy Neighbors Action Figure), but I haven’t really acted on it. I’ve resisted the temptation. However, it has been Dunny central in our house, but no action figures. I really wanted this Galactic Heroes Darth Vader though, in all his cutsie scarred goodness. I kept seeing it, but I hesitated and when I finally decided to just get it, the store was out.

Though perhaps I won’t pass up on these gems…

Check out these Archie McPhee sideshow action figures. They have Frog Girl and Lobster Boy, Bearded Lady, World’s Tallest Man & Smallest Man, and Strong Man. Now I can reenact all my Lobster Boy fantasies (and I have many). The only thing I don’t like about them is that they’re not anatomically accurate. A Lobster Boy isn’t a half lobster, he’s still a human being just with claws.

While not as offensive as Chi-chi-chi-chia Obama, the Barack Obama action figures are pretty good looking. His abs could be little more defined though. I picture Obama more on the level of He-Man. But I can now have Barack fight side by side with Spider-Man. I’m still working on my Hulk/Taft fantasies.

I know many a good man that would pay top dollar for a Force action figure. I remember riots when force spirit Kenobi became available. Although, wouldn’t the force look a little more insect like, or whatever Midi-chlorians look like… amoebas, maybe? But it’s not how the figures look that matters, it’s how we use them. Chewbacca makes a friend!