Wolf Gnards

Tina Fey (our first lovely nerd girl) just said gnards on 30 Rock.

Tina Fey: It’s Valentine’s Day… Gnards!

Then in the comfort of my own home:

Me: Tina Fey just said “Gnards!” Yeah, yeah, I’m rolling in it. (Because in my world, when celebrities say Gnards people immediately Google it, and not only that they spell Gnards correctly, which I come up for, instead of the much more common spelling of Nards which I do not come up for at all)

Dee Dee Supreme: I think she said, “Nords.”

Me: F- You!

Dee Dee Supreme: Whah, whah, go blog about it.

Just wanted to check and make sure someone else noticed Rufio during Heroes. Yes, that Rufio. Ru-Fi-Oooooooooooooo. Where has this guy been? And why hasn’t he aged in 20 years? Feel free to check out IMDB and say Rufio’s been doing this or Rufio’s been doing that. Doing voice over work for bad Disney cartoons isn’t exactly doing anything. I mean this is Rufio… idol to millions (thousands? tens? me?) popping up on Heroes, but not even being on Heroes, but doing a commercial for Heroes, and not even doing a commercial for Heroes but a commercial for TurboTax and Heroes.

I hate to say it but Rufio really did turn out to be a lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food dude. Ru-Fi-Oooooooooooo. Okay, I think I got that out of my system. I should have been nicknamed Rufio.

Your very un-Rufio blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi

P.S. No one says “Bangarang” to me nearly enough.

Mario & Luigi’s last name has finally been revealed: Mario & Luigi Blagojevich. A new video game pits Rod Blagojevich against against the dreaded King Koopa and the Illinois senate. The game, Pay2Play, is an iPhone app and puts you in the hair of Governor Blagojevich in his final days in office. The goal of the game is to sell senate seats and cushy jobs before you get thrown out of office. Pay2Play was created by Juan Rubio’s for the iPhone, based on the drug-dealer strategy game DopeWars. The application is still pending approval by iPhone.

DopeWars is a fun little game, so I imagine Pay2Play will be much of the same. DopeWars though isn’t exactly Grand Theft Auto in terms of badass fun, and doesn’t really have much in the way of replay value. Once you have experienced the various paths the game offers there really isn’t much too it. One potential problem with the game is I’m not quite sure an iPhone has the computing power to harness the awesomeness of Rod Blagojevich’s pompadour.

Unil Blagojevich’s Pay2Play hits the application store (if it ever does) you can always amuse yourself with a little Super Obama World.

New episodes of Heroes and I almost missed it, some nerd I turned out to be. I guess NBC has been running promos for weeks and I was totally oblivious. It was kind of a slow episode, but I think that’s always to be expected with a new story line. Still enjoyed it, but I’m really developing two problems with Heroes. The first one being the obvious, could they rip X-men off more!? Time to call in the Sentinels and ship Peter Petrelli off to Genosha. Tim Kring and Jeph Loeb have been practically scratching the Chris Claremont’s name off of X-men comics and putting their own in its place. The rumor is that Tim Kring actually fired Loeb to try to foster a return to character driven scripts. Personally, I don’t mind that they rip off X-men, I would just like them to give credit where credit is due.

The second problem I have is the depowering of Hiro. Is white America that scared of a powerful Asian man that they can’t let Hiro have some power? He’s a already a geek… he was already turned into five-year-old… did we have to take his powers away, too? The message is pretty clear that NBC executives view Asian males as less than men. I love Hiro. I love that he’s a nerd, but give the guy some freaking powers. Give him his balls back, at least. Speaking of which they couldn’t let that little cutie Daphne fall for Hiro, they had to pair her with Parkman? But, of course, that would mean admitting that Asian men of testicles.

And to Masi Oka, don’t become Jar Jar Binks. I know it’s a sweet gig, but there’s no reason to be a Stepin Fetchit. If you have a problem with your character then speak up, we got your back.

I decided to start off the Nerd Girls We Love section with the undisputed Queen of the Honor Society. Tina Fey is that rare breed of social awkwardness and sex appeal. Hot? Check. Geek? Check. Not really raw brain calculus kind of geek, but the D & D kind of geek. That’s rare. “By the Hammer of Thor,” kind of nerd. That’s someone I could get cozy with. And, of course, the fact that x number of years of being a social leper has kept her from realizing just how hot she is… makes her even hotter.

And perhaps the most disturbing thing I like about Tina Fey is her scar story. A man saw a pretty little Tina Fey running around and decided to do a little carving. It’s like he saw something beautiful and had to destroy it. A sad and yet kind of romantic story… mostly sad and horrible though. All in all though, it made her the nerd we love.

Lover of Fine Ass Nerds Everywhere,
J. Douglas Musashi

Daredevil Monkey Proves Evolution

As hard as it is to believe recent studies have shown that the average Kirk Cameron is more wrong than right. This has been a very hard pill for Christians to swallow, but perhaps they should have picked a smarter spokesman than Kirk Cameron. Zack Morris, for example, was available. What has truly baffled most researchers though is that while most Kirk Camerons are wrong, there have been a huge increase in Mike Seavers being correct.

What this all really comes down to is monkeys. Beautiful, scampering, wide eyed, long tailed monkey. Cameron and his mustachioed friend, Ray Comfort, put out the theory that man cannot be descended from monkeys because a monkey can’t eat at a restaurant. In C & C’s Christian Factory’s presentation The Way of the Master, they demonstrate that a monkey can’t read menus, communicate with waiters, or use utensils. What’s a fork, if you have monkey paws. The average monkey has no concept of napkins. It can’t pay for the meal, no cash or credit. According to Kirk Cameron logic, a monkey therefor has no relation to man. However, there are some real major flaws with that logic. Most Aborigines who have never seen a restaurant, would have little understanding of a sit down restaurant. Are they less than human. A Kirk Cameron would assume so. I rarely use a napkin myself and have no clue which fork is for which course. Am I less than human? Well, yes, but for an entirely different set of reasons.

Introduce Monkey Knievel… the Cameron Nightmare. Does a monkey daredevil prove evolution? A daredevil itself is a defiance against god. A daredevil faces the wrath of god (in the form of flaming hoops or a line of buses) and says, “I am not afraid. I will jump this, God!” A monkey daredevil simply says, “I am evolved.” Observe the outfit—both flashy and useful. Would an unintelligent beast care about either flash or substance? Would it take the time to sew on stars, or would it wear a flame retardant jumpsuit? If not behaving in a restaurant proves that creationism is correct, does a monkey performing death defying tricks prove the theory of evolution? By Kirk Cameron logic… perhaps.

All kidding aside, neither is a good argument. I’ll say that while not wrong, I’m overly optimistic about Monkey Knievel proving anything scientific. However, it’s just plain fun seeing a monkey do tricks. My fuzzy logic doesn’t make Mr. Cameron right either. Let’s look at the facts and see how Kirk Cameron is dead wrong about everything (including but not limited to Christianity, evolution, homosexuality, raising homeless kids, Coach Lubbock, starring in Our Town, Mr. DeWitt, or giving “Boner” the nickname without any realization that its a euphemism for an erection [furthering my surprise that Cameron didn’t make them change the character name to “Bonus Christ”]).

What Monkey Knievel is an evolution of is street performing in Indonesia. Monkey performers have been a staple of Indonesian street markets, and monkey daredevils are the next stage. It’s not too hard for a kid to trap a monkey, slap it on a mini-bike, and make a few bucks. The occasional wheelie is good for a few dollars more. The World Wild Life fund is currently out to shut down Monkey Knievel and his dare-primate brethren. However, Topeng Monyet (roughly translated to “Masked Monkey”) is considered an art form by many Indonesians. These monkeys do live in squalid conditions, but for the most part, so do their handlers.

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