Wolf Gnards

Daredevil Monkey Proves Evolution

As hard as it is to believe recent studies have shown that the average Kirk Cameron is more wrong than right. This has been a very hard pill for Christians to swallow, but perhaps they should have picked a smarter spokesman than Kirk Cameron. Zack Morris, for example, was available. What has truly baffled most researchers though is that while most Kirk Camerons are wrong, there have been a huge increase in Mike Seavers being correct.

What this all really comes down to is monkeys. Beautiful, scampering, wide eyed, long tailed monkey. Cameron and his mustachioed friend, Ray Comfort, put out the theory that man cannot be descended from monkeys because a monkey can't eat at a restaurant. In C & C's Christian Factory's presentation The Way of the Master, they demonstrate that a monkey can't read menus, communicate with waiters, or use utensils. What's a fork, if you have monkey paws. The average monkey has no concept of napkins. It can't pay for the meal, no cash or credit. According to Kirk Cameron logic, a monkey therefor has no relation to man. However, there are some real major flaws with that logic. Most Aborigines who have never seen a restaurant, would have little understanding of a sit down restaurant. Are they less than human. A Kirk Cameron would assume so. I rarely use a napkin myself and have no clue which fork is for which course. Am I less than human? Well, yes, but for an entirely different set of reasons.

Introduce Monkey Knievel... the Cameron Nightmare. Does a monkey daredevil prove evolution? A daredevil itself is a defiance against god. A daredevil faces the wrath of god (in the form of flaming hoops or a line of buses) and says, “I am not afraid. I will jump this, God!” A monkey daredevil simply says, “I am evolved.” Observe the outfit—both flashy and useful. Would an unintelligent beast care about either flash or substance? Would it take the time to sew on stars, or would it wear a flame retardant jumpsuit? If not behaving in a restaurant proves that creationism is correct, does a monkey performing death defying tricks prove the theory of evolution? By Kirk Cameron logic... perhaps.

All kidding aside, neither is a good argument. I'll say that while not wrong, I'm overly optimistic about Monkey Knievel proving anything scientific. However, it's just plain fun seeing a monkey do tricks. My fuzzy logic doesn't make Mr. Cameron right either. Let's look at the facts and see how Kirk Cameron is dead wrong about everything (including but not limited to Christianity, evolution, homosexuality, raising homeless kids, Coach Lubbock, starring in Our Town, Mr. DeWitt, or giving “Boner” the nickname without any realization that its a euphemism for an erection [furthering my surprise that Cameron didn't make them change the character name to “Bonus Christ”]).

What Monkey Knievel is an evolution of is street performing in Indonesia. Monkey performers have been a staple of Indonesian street markets, and monkey daredevils are the next stage. It's not too hard for a kid to trap a monkey, slap it on a mini-bike, and make a few bucks. The occasional wheelie is good for a few dollars more. The World Wild Life fund is currently out to shut down Monkey Knievel and his dare-primate brethren. However, Topeng Monyet (roughly translated to “Masked Monkey”) is considered an art form by many Indonesians. These monkeys do live in squalid conditions, but for the most part, so do their handlers.

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Last night I got around to watching The Foot Fist Way starring Danny McBride. Now, I'm not a huge fan of Danny McBride, but I had, I wouldn't say high hopes, but mid-level hopes for the movie. A jackass Taekwondo instructor who beats up six-year-olds, that sounds funny to me. But it was just plain bad, completely unfunny, and considering the number of Tom Collins I had in my system anything should have been funny.

Danny McBride is the guy that you see and you say "Oh yeah, I saw him in something or other (most likely Tropic Thunder), and I while I don't remember particularly liking him, my heart could have contained more hate for him." I definitely find McBride annoying, but even in bad movies he's usually not the worst thing in it. What really attracted me to The Foot Fist Way was Will Ferrell's seal of approval. Will Ferrell films probably fall into my guilty pleasure movies. One of his films usually consist of a unlikely protagonist, a few awkward moments, a bland string of jokes, something surreal, and one or two hilarious scenes. The anchor man gang fight is enough to make up for rest of Anchor Man. The Foot Fist Way was like a Will Ferrell movie with nothing redeeming about it.

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This Weezer tribute takes a while to get going, but wait for the two part harmony, it's worth it.

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ABC Family ran a Karate Kid marathon today and, of course, I couldn't help myself from watching. The film really is the best around and no one's ever gonna get it down. The one thing that really bothers me about the series though, besides 3 and 4 being horrible, is that the movies never confront Mr. Miyagi's rampant alcoholism. He's drunk to the point of passing out a number of times in the movies, and besides drinking, he has a bit of gambling problem as well—most of the time using punches to Daniel's face as collateral. First he bets on Daniel at the All Valley Karate Tournament, then he bets that Daniel can chop through thick slabs of ice (even though it was never shown that Daniel was ever taught to chop through anything), and then in “The Next Karate Kid” Miyagi bets that a bunch of Monks can win at bowling. What insight or knowledge could he have possible had that would tell him that kung fu skills could translate at a bowling alley? To me it looks like Miyagi is living on the edge, surviving on the high of risky behavior.

What would happen if Daniel had lost the All Valley Tournament? He would continue to get razed by Johnny even though Ali would have been completely unimpressed by both Daniel's martial arts and sexual performance. She'd still leave him for some UCLA football stud, but this time he'd have a whole lot more black eyes and bruised ribs to show for it. Then in Okinawa if Daniel couldn't chop through the ice blocks, they would never be able to afford the refrigerator part Mr. Miyagi was originally in town shopping for. Consequently both Mr. Miyagi's old love Yukie and her comely niece Kumiko (Daniel's new love interest who hasn't been introduced to the joys of Bruin tailbacks) would die from maggot infested food contamination. As for the fast paced world of bowling for dollars, the Monks, who most likely have taken vows of poverty, would never be able to pay off the huge gambling debts and would have to sell their monastery.

What it comes down to is asking ourselves why Mr. Miyagi behaves like this. My best theory is the drinking. He probably carried a small flask of saki and took a swig before each scene. Banzai! Too much advantage your dojo... tournament. Banzai! $600 say he brake all six. Banzai! A dollar a pin. I imagine in between films Miyagi is a drunken mess, sleeping on the streets of Vegas. Then Daniel needs someone to teach him to sweep the leg or how to prune bonsai trees, and he has to quick sober Miyagi up before the film begins. And all of this, of course, is just swept right under the rug. Miyagi doesn't have a problem because his black out are adorable. Asian man fall down... how cute.

What I find interesting is that in the first film, Miyagi is a flawed character. Yes, he's a martial arts master, but he's a martial arts expert with a lot of personal baggage (dead wife and son). By the last movie, Miyagi is demonstrating supernatural Zen powers by catching arrows shot directly at his chest. I'm surprised he wasn't flying around.

Of course, he was flying but only on saki. Banzai!

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