My Dinner with Predator: How a Predator Eats


I was thinking recently about the Predator’s mouth (as I often do on cold, lonely nights), and I noticed a slight design flaw. Not its nightmare vagina appearance, well sort of, but not the fact that it looks like a succubus’s private parts but because it really doesn’t work as a mouth. The primary function of most mouths is to eat some sort of food, but the primary function of the predator’s mouth is to be pointed at while someone (most likely your friend Ricky) shouts, “Oh, damn!”

As mouths go it just doesn’t work. Scary and disturbing? Yes. Functional? Probably not. Here’s the problem—count them up—the Predator species has 10 teeth. 10 teeth! And four of those are on those little pincers around his mouth, so only six of them are really devoted to any chewing/biting power. That’s barely enough to eat applesauce! Meaning Predators either have the dietary habits of your average baby or that of a snake.

predator teeth

Paste Theory

Like Robocop, the Predators subsist off a "rudimentary paste that sustains their organic systems." The fact that Robocop eats baby food is pretty good evidence that a big, strong killing machine can thrive off the stuff. Baby food is probably also convenient for space travel like astronaut ice cream or Tang, or like military MRE’s (which are a little more like dog food, but I think a Predator might enjoy that more though). I do have a hard time believing that the Predator race has the manufacturing infrastructure and know-how to market and mass produce Brand X Predator baby mush (with the meaty gravy that babies crave). However, this same sentiment could also be suggested for spaceships/space travel. I like to imagine that faster than light travel requires more book reading and less laser shooting. Most likely if they do eat some sort of gruel it is composed of the bones of their fallen prey; any meat grinder would do in that case.

Swallow Theory

Predators don’t have teeth because they don’t need teeth, they simply swallow their food whole. Chewing is so primitive, any futuristic society would most likely evolve beyond teeth. It’s like in The Jetsons, where everything’s in pill form. If science has told us anything it’s this: evolution goes amoeba ► fish ► fish-monkey ► monkey ► Brendan Fraser ► Me ► reptilian bounty hunter (rastified 10%) ► pure energy (just wait until I get my energy rays all up in this hood).

It also explains those little insectoid palps on the side of its face (Tooth 1, 4, 5, and 10 in the figure above). Like an insect or crustacean these appendages are there to help cram various foodstuffs down the ol’ throat hole. Not chewing also explains why Predators are so low energy. Swallowing food whole is hell on a digestive system, it’s like eating a big turkey dinner at every meal. When you look at it, Predators really don’t get done nearly as much predatorating as they could. They’re invisible and have laser guns, it should take no more than 5 minutes to kill Arnold and his entire squad. Instead the Predator spends most of his time napping in trees. The daily activity of the Predator probably goes something like kill, eat, nap, kill, eat, nap, wax dreadlocks, string shark tooth necklace, kill, eat, nap.

So, what’s in a Predator’s diet? Anything it can fit in their mouths, I guess. If it’s anything like a snake then any small mammals, birds, or eggs will do. Or any of these fine foods:

Predator hotdog
predator popsicle
predator banana
predator corn

The Predators' mouths and jaws may not be effective, but, at least, it doesn’t have a second mouth inside its first mouth.

  • Adam
    Comment from: Adam
    12/07/12 @ 07:16:20 am

    Okay, the Predator race is sophisticated enough to produce synthetic clothing and personal invisibility devices, but somehow aren't clever enough to handle the concept of mass produced food?

    And by the way, the word you were looking for was "craze," not "crave."

  • Wolfie G. Nards
    Comment from: Wolfie G. Nards
    12/07/12 @ 09:44:37 am

    I think I pointed that out:

    "However, this same sentiment could also be suggested for spaceships/space travel."

    So, yes, if I'm willing to look past space travel, I should be willing to look past food production. And I am. Still a society that goes beyond "shoot stuff" is most likely required to be able build the machinery to produce mesh t-shirts and other of the Predators' basic necessities.

  • Ted Ator
    Comment from: Ted Ator
    12/07/12 @ 11:06:38 am

    As anyone who's watched any of the Predator movies knows, the Predator injects a tube into a human's skull and sucks out the brain matter. Whether the tube grinds or liquefies the brain is not clear.

  • Ben
    Comment from: Ben
    12/07/12 @ 11:18:09 am

    More teeth in the throat?

  • jumper11
    Comment from: jumper11
    12/10/12 @ 07:09:13 pm

    The mandibles and smaller upper teeth stabilize the food, while the lower jaw and teeth shred the food for processing.

  • Hullabaloo
    Comment from: Hullabaloo
    01/30/13 @ 03:50:36 pm

    How much do you think the tooth fairy has to drop for predator teeth? They're like, 100 times as big as a normal kid-sized tooth. Seems like some serious moolah.

  • Amy (kidfreeliving)
    Comment from: Amy (kidfreeliving)
    02/08/13 @ 06:59:01 pm

    Nice. This shit has been keeping me awake at night for YEARS. You've saved my lif....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

  • Brian
    Comment from: Brian
    02/22/13 @ 09:08:40 am

    What if it eats more like a vampire bat?

  • Jennifer
    Comment from: Jennifer
    04/09/13 @ 03:37:38 pm

    I think there are way too many veggies there!

    Predator would like all meat pizza or something like that!

    I can accept the ide-lolly though.

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