Best of the Worst: Revisiting my Damaged Darlings

I was hanging out with a friend and he tried to describe my blog to his girl, and his description went something like this, “So, he’s got this formula and it’s actually a pretty good formula, he writes these very nerdy breakdowns with charts and stuff of stupid movies. And he wrote this Bill Murray article once that people like, but he’s never been able to recreate its success. So, he rehashes this formula over and over again but he’s never had another hit.” Way to so succinctly sum up all my many failures and missteps… friend.

First - He’s kind of a dick, right?

Second - Fair enough.

Despite popular belief, I’ve had some hits: the Groundhog Day article, Zooey Deschanel’s bangs, and my Full House/Joey conspiracy to name a few. I don’t use Bill Murray, of course, as my yardstick for success because if you compare yourself to Murray-y goodness, you’re always going to be disappointed. That being said, maybe, 30 articles have garnered measurable, significant traffic. Meaning that leaves hundreds of articles what have never really been seen. Let’s look at some of them.

My Favorite FAIL-ures

These are my heart breakers. After each and everyone one of these posts, I expected to be carried on shoulders and have babies named after me (Gnards is a great name for a boy or a girl). And instead… crickets.

How much money Bill Cosby paid for sweaters - this is still one of my favorite posts. I figured out Bill Cosby’s character, Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, spent around $80000 on sweaters. That’s more than any reasonably human being should pay for sweaters.

The reason I think it failed was this picture:

Bill Wheaton

And as awesome as Bill Wheaton is, it’s also creepy and distracting. Instead of processing the wonderful brain candy of sweater prices, all you see is Bill Cosby on Wil Wheaton’s body.

Aquaman’s fishwiener - An article of and pertaining to the anatomies of comic book mermen. Written mostly from a place where I was tired of fangirls mooning over Prince Namor (because 50% chance dude don’t got a penis… just sayin [also, knowing that most fangirls would still rather be with Namor than me… they’re just sayin]).

Can a werewolf dunk? - Yes. Looking back on it, that should have been the entire article. Michael J. Fox dunked in Teen Wolf, so you don’t need a long winded explanation that werewolves can dunk a basketball. Still, I remember writing this one and I remember literally thinking I was going to break the internet because of how awesome this was. The internet remains intact.

How to shoot your eye out - I actually waited until the holidays to post this one. I had it written than I sat on it because I wanted this to have a timely Christmas release. Because everyone sits around thinking about shooting their eyes out between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I thought that thought before I posted this! It didn’t matter. Apparently, the rest of the world is not nearly as confused as to what shooting your eye out means. And feel free to explain because I'm still confused.

Gremlin Reproduction - I think I had more fun photoshopping the pictures than writing the article. The post is probably so generic I could have renamed it: Something, something Gremlins, Remember That Movie, Right? Also, it’s gross.

Of course, under all of these articles is another layer of crap that I would prefer to remain buried.

  • Bethaney
    Comment from: Bethaney
    06/05/13 @ 10:05:50 am

    I particularly liked "Can a Werewolf Dunk?" It was the best kind of 80s flashback.

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