I Answer How-To Questions… Poorly

I was watching the commercial for the Google Nexus 7; the one with the kid trying to give an oral presentation then some girl gives him bedroom eyes (which is kind of creepy because they’re like 12):

So, the message of this commercial is that the Nexus will help you overcome your greatest fears and it will get you laid. That’s not my inference, that’s the literal message of the commercial. However, the reality of the message is that this device does nothing. Nothing special, nothing that’s particular to this device helps him in his oral presentation. He Googled some stuff and watched a scene for The King’s Speech. You can go that on any mobile device now. Google isn’t really even the important element because most search engines will get you to Wikipedia just fine. So, the Nexus doesn’t actually help this kid with his speech and it probably won’t get him laid.

Which means that the actual message of this commercial is that the Internet can teach you stuff. Sites he found on the Internet taught him valuable life lessons.

Which puts the onus on me really. When you type something into Google, most times it’s not Google supplying you an answer. Most times it’s someone like me, who’s probably a jackass. It’s incredible when you think of it, the amount of blind faith people put into strangers to provide answers to anything. Which has made me go through my site to find all the questions pleading me to teach someone something, and how I’ve failed to provide even the slightest of relevant answers to them. The following are real questions I’ve been asked, which I’ve linked to the article that my site brings them to.

Q: How to cut bangs like Zooey Deschanel?
A: If you’re looking for a guide of how to cut your hair like Zooey Deschanel, you’ve come to the wrong place. If you’re looking for a mathematical breakdown of her bangs to face ratio then you’ve come the right place. Also, if you enjoy creeping out on pre-New Girl Zooey.

Q: How to grow a porno stache?
A: Porn staches are not grown, porn staches are born.

Q: How to tell a girl that her glasses look bad?
A: My advice is quickly then duck. Or don’t do it all because why? Side note: I really enjoy that there’s someone out there sweating over this and thinking, “She looks so ugly nerdy but she thinks she looks so cute nerdy. I must correct this injustice!”

Q: How to wear something ironically?
A: If you have to ask, you’re not ready for that D.A.R.E. t-shirt.

Q: How tall is Robert Picardo?
A: Google actually tells you the answer to this: 5’10”. It’s the first thing you see in a search. I never mentioned anything that remotely even comes close to addressing his height. What I do have is a description of Robert Picardo’s “webmaster” yelling at me. I put “webmaster” in quotes because I never really figured out what actual service they were providing.

Q: How do I stop my shirt buttons from unbuttoning?
A: I don’t know. I live in a world of constantly gyrating Chippendale-style dancing. I wear tear away pants and a smile. These buttons don’t know even know how to stay buttoned if they could, which they can’t. This article on superman ripping open his shirt will also not be of help.

Q: How handsome was James Taylor when he had hair?
A: One of the few questions I was ever able to answer… which is: very.

Q: How to know if you have a mullet?
A: Do you build gadgets out of paper clips, duct tape, and common household objects? If yes then you do have a mullet. If no then it could still be a mullet. Just feel the top of your head and then feel back of your head. Is it short on the top and long in the back? Alternative method: look in mirror.

Q: How to make real web shooter using only spray and old watch?
A: Is this a thing? If so, point me in that direction because I want to make one, too! All of my childhood dreams involved building robots made of garbage when I grew up. Unfortunately, I never grew into that man; I wrote this blog instead.

Q: How to switch bodies with another person?
A: This is one of the most asked questions to Wolf Gnards. Just last month I was asked a variation of this question over 200 times. Which doesn’t seem like a lot, but when you factor in that these were asked by real people who are legitimately asking how to swap bodies with someone, that’s a hell of a lot. By the way, my favorite variation was, “How to switch bodies with your BFF?” I don’t want to make anyone worried, but there should definitely be, at least, one person who should be very concerned if their Best Friend Forever ever comes at them with an ancient skull talisman. Also, you can’t switch bodies with your friend, don’t bother trying or Googling how to do it.

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