Monster Nards: To Kick or Not to Kick?

What are the common werewolf weaknesses? You have your silvers (in bullet, bashing, or stabbing forms), mercury (it looks kind of like silver), wolfsbane (it has wolf in the name!). And, of course, the age old kick to the nards. Wolfmen have nards, it’s been well established (even though I can’t convince anyone it’s spelled “gnards”). But why the wolfman, why the nards, why does kicking a werewolf in the nards make so much goddamn sense? And who besides a werewolf can you kick in said nards. Some monsters have nards, some do not, and knowing the difference can save your life.

Lady Monsters Do NOT have Nards

Regardless of creature type, no female monster has nards. This goes for you succubi, your wicked witches, your Medusas, or your sexy lady vampires. They just don’t got them and kicking them there is going to piss them off. If you really need this explained to you then you’re just not ready to be on my teenage monster busting squadron. In my monster clubhouse, I don’t have the time or energy to explain all monster weaknesses to you and male and female body parts.

The Undead Don’t Need nards

If a monster cannot reproduce then you don’t need reproductive organs. It’s that simple: no babies, no sex, no nards, no kicking in the nards. This applies to any undead, walking dead, living dead, deadite, mummy, or zombie. Zombie nards will be amongst the first body parts to go. Without bones keeping things in place, zombie ears, noses, and nards will be popping off left in right. As to mummies, even if a mummy’s nards were preserved they’re in a ceramic jar someplace in Egypt. Maybe, if you find that jar and you kick that jar then, perhaps, a mummy could feel it, but I wouldn’t recommend it as a strategy.

Fish Don’t Have Nards

The nard status of any amphibian human hybrid is questionable at best. The Creature from the Black Lagoon, or Gill-Man, doesn’t have external sex organs. In fact, he’s nude all day long, you can clearly see there’s nothing going on south of the gills. Like mermaids, much of the aquatic creatures nard status depends on which is the fish half and which is the man half. This actually goes for any half man/ half animal. If the animal half doesn’t have nards then the creature probably doesn’t have nards either. So, some sort of human fly created in a transporter accident does not have nards.

Reanimated Nards

With Frankenstein’s Monster… nards are optional. It’s like a car, do you get it fully loaded or do you pay a little less for a car without all the bells and whistles. Nards are like the cup holders of the monster verse, they’re not particularly necessary. I mean why even make a horrible monster who’s sexually functional. I realize “mad” is part of the whole “mad scientist” thing, but that’s just not in good taste. It’s like Bob Barker said "spay or neuter your creatures."

The Problem of Insubstantial Nards

Ghosts being insubstantial makes having nards almost irrelevant. Whether they have them or not, it doesn’t matter. Even if they could use them, they can’t really be kicked in them. Although, the film High Spirits does feature ghost Laim Neeson getting kicked in the ghost nards. In the scene, the foot phases through Neeson's spectral crotch, but he feels it anyway. I would say that ghost nards depend on how human the ghost form is. A non-terminal repeating phantasm, or a Class 5 full roaming vapor, does not have nards. I would argue though that it’s always possible for one ghost to kick another ghost in the nards. However, practice would be needed.

Vampiric Nards

Vampires are questionable. They seem to fall into a lot of these no nard categories. Gas doesn’t have nards, but a bat does have nards. And they’re typically depicted as very sexual monsters, so it goes to say that a vampire has nards. The novel Dracula was symbolic of venereal disease, so based on this I would say a vampire does have nards but they’re not fully functioning nards. Vampirism… cough, syphilis… has eaten away at them. Kicking them may or may not do anything. So, you better stake them in the nards if you have chance.

My rule of thumb: if you don’t see nards, don’t assume there are nards.

Monsters without Nards
Freddy Krueger
Living Hand

Monsters with Nards
Giant Ape
Chucky (someone’s gotta check how they’re making those Good Guy dolls)

Monsters with Questionable Nards
Frankenstein’s Monster
Jason Voorhees

Hopefully this guide will help out in most of your average horror movie scenarios, and let you know the best scenarios for a nard kick.

  • Jake
    Comment from: Jake
    11/15/13 @ 09:11:33 am

    "...if you find that jar and you kick that jar then, perhaps, a mummy could feel it, but I wouldn’t recommend it as a strategy." Hilarious. I would argue that Freddy K. belongs on the has nards list though.

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