Wolf Gnards

From killer monkeys to bears, oh my. Like Cool features its sleeping bag alternative, the sleeping bear. I think its safe to say, we're all afraid of bear attacks. I hate them and you hate them. It's like you're out camping with that special lady and someone decides to whip out the honey and you get a little sticky. Then, of course, she decides it's time for a little fish play. A recipe for disaster with hungry bears lurking behind every tree trunk. The sleeping bear is the perfect solution: it's cozy, it's warm, it easily fits two, and it protects you from viscous bears. This is why they invented camouflage. See a bear sees a sleeping bear in your camp and it says, "I want to go in there and eat those campers all up, but the bear already has dibs, and I respect that."

I really want to buy me a sleeping bear sleeping bag, unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be for sale. But I'm pretty sure I can make it my self. All I need is a bear, a gun, and a zipper.

Sweet Dreams,
J. Douglas Musashi

Recently in the news it was reported that the Old Navy monkey, Travis, was involved in a shoot out with the Connecticut police. Travis the Chimp was found to be high on Xanax and shivved by his prison bitch, Sandra Herold.

The incidental started when Travis the Chimp attacked a friend of Herold's, ripping her face off in the fashion of Leatherface. It is unknown if Travis planned to wear her face as a mask.

In other news, Great Grape Ape was arrested for statutory rape, and Chim-Chim was sentenced to Grand Theft Auto. Perhaps, Kirk Cameron was right after all. Only bad things can happen from dressing a monkey up like a person. In all truthfulness, I don't want to be wearing pants either, I just can't see way a monkey would either.

Tina Fey (our first lovely nerd girl) just said gnards on 30 Rock.

Tina Fey: It's Valentine's Day... Gnards!

Then in the comfort of my own home:

Me: Tina Fey just said "Gnards!" Yeah, yeah, I'm rolling in it. (Because in my world, when celebrities say Gnards people immediately Google it, and not only that they spell Gnards correctly, which I come up for, instead of the much more common spelling of Nards which I do not come up for at all)

Dee Dee Supreme: I think she said, "Nords."

Me: F- You!

Dee Dee Supreme: Whah, whah, go blog about it.

Just wanted to check and make sure someone else noticed Rufio during Heroes. Yes, that Rufio. Ru-Fi-Oooooooooooooo. Where has this guy been? And why hasn't he aged in 20 years? Feel free to check out IMDB and say Rufio's been doing this or Rufio's been doing that. Doing voice over work for bad Disney cartoons isn't exactly doing anything. I mean this is Rufio... idol to millions (thousands? tens? me?) popping up on Heroes, but not even being on Heroes, but doing a commercial for Heroes, and not even doing a commercial for Heroes but a commercial for TurboTax and Heroes.

I hate to say it but Rufio really did turn out to be a lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food dude. Ru-Fi-Oooooooooooo. Okay, I think I got that out of my system. I should have been nicknamed Rufio.

Your very un-Rufio blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi

P.S. No one says "Bangarang" to me nearly enough.

Daredevil Monkey Proves Evolution

As hard as it is to believe recent studies have shown that the average Kirk Cameron is more wrong than right. This has been a very hard pill for Christians to swallow, but perhaps they should have picked a smarter spokesman than Kirk Cameron. Zack Morris, for example, was available. What has truly baffled most researchers though is that while most Kirk Camerons are wrong, there have been a huge increase in Mike Seavers being correct.

What this all really comes down to is monkeys. Beautiful, scampering, wide eyed, long tailed monkey. Cameron and his mustachioed friend, Ray Comfort, put out the theory that man cannot be descended from monkeys because a monkey can't eat at a restaurant. In C & C's Christian Factory's presentation The Way of the Master, they demonstrate that a monkey can't read menus, communicate with waiters, or use utensils. What's a fork, if you have monkey paws. The average monkey has no concept of napkins. It can't pay for the meal, no cash or credit. According to Kirk Cameron logic, a monkey therefor has no relation to man. However, there are some real major flaws with that logic. Most Aborigines who have never seen a restaurant, would have little understanding of a sit down restaurant. Are they less than human. A Kirk Cameron would assume so. I rarely use a napkin myself and have no clue which fork is for which course. Am I less than human? Well, yes, but for an entirely different set of reasons.

Introduce Monkey Knievel... the Cameron Nightmare. Does a monkey daredevil prove evolution? A daredevil itself is a defiance against god. A daredevil faces the wrath of god (in the form of flaming hoops or a line of buses) and says, “I am not afraid. I will jump this, God!” A monkey daredevil simply says, “I am evolved.” Observe the outfit—both flashy and useful. Would an unintelligent beast care about either flash or substance? Would it take the time to sew on stars, or would it wear a flame retardant jumpsuit? If not behaving in a restaurant proves that creationism is correct, does a monkey performing death defying tricks prove the theory of evolution? By Kirk Cameron logic... perhaps.

All kidding aside, neither is a good argument. I'll say that while not wrong, I'm overly optimistic about Monkey Knievel proving anything scientific. However, it's just plain fun seeing a monkey do tricks. My fuzzy logic doesn't make Mr. Cameron right either. Let's look at the facts and see how Kirk Cameron is dead wrong about everything (including but not limited to Christianity, evolution, homosexuality, raising homeless kids, Coach Lubbock, starring in Our Town, Mr. DeWitt, or giving “Boner” the nickname without any realization that its a euphemism for an erection [furthering my surprise that Cameron didn't make them change the character name to “Bonus Christ”]).

What Monkey Knievel is an evolution of is street performing in Indonesia. Monkey performers have been a staple of Indonesian street markets, and monkey daredevils are the next stage. It's not too hard for a kid to trap a monkey, slap it on a mini-bike, and make a few bucks. The occasional wheelie is good for a few dollars more. The World Wild Life fund is currently out to shut down Monkey Knievel and his dare-primate brethren. However, Topeng Monyet (roughly translated to “Masked Monkey”) is considered an art form by many Indonesians. These monkeys do live in squalid conditions, but for the most part, so do their handlers.

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