Wolf Gnards

What nerd didn't want his very own Lisa? We all tried something to varying degrees of success. Not to the extent of robbing graves, but asking sisters and a little high stalking was never out of the question. But to build a girl that will tell us exactly what we were doing wrong... that's the dream. Is it the thrill playing god like making a Frankenstein (only cuter). Or is just having the mysteries of women explained? If you're still after a computerized companion, I thought I'd help you out a little. In honor of John Hughes and Weird Science, I present you with a little DIY Artificial Intelligence.

I don't care what you do with your female sim. Ask her questions. Put her in real-life sexual situations and see how she reacts. Take a shower with her. Or just watch her gymnast routine. I won't judge.

Female Simulation Coding

class Lisa : Dream_woman{
breasts.lisa=playboy.jpg
//Scan photos from prized Playboy collection
breastsize=setbreasts
Setbreasts(biggerthanhandful=false));
// Anything bigger than a handful is risking a sprained tongue
_lipps.lisa=big.jpg
_attire.lisa=aerobics
//Match with Barbie Doll attire
iq.lisa=Einstein.jpg
//Any photo of Einstein is sufficient for replicating IQ
//Good for playing chess
sass.lisa=davidleeroth.mpg
//Clip of Dave TV
speak.lisa=”What would you little maniacs like to do first?”
if(science=weird)
then
magic_powers.lisa=true;
};

I do find it interesting that our idea female has the brain and attitude of men. It really does say something about human behavior.

An important note—do NOT forget to hook up the doll. Bra head gear and chanting is entirely optional.

The Legend of John Hughes

I have two words for you: Weird... Science. How much of my childhood did I spend trying to make my very own woman? More than I'd care to admit. Much more time than a reasonable person (young and stupid as they may be) should spend building a woman. I'm older, perhaps, wiser, but I've never given up dreaming. Much to the dismay of teen movie fans everywhere, 1980's film maker John Hughes has passed away. John Hughes was not only responsible for every great movie in the 80's, but some of the greatest nerd moments in cinema.

Hughes' great film nerds include: Farmer Ted, Long Duk Dong, Brian Johnson (The Brain), Gary & Wyatt, Duckie Dale, Cameron Frye, and Keith Nelson (The whinny Eric Stoltz character from Some Kind of Wonderful). Three of these characters, of course, were played by Anthony Michael the Hall, but it was always Hughes at the heart. There seems to be a bit of a theme of misfit guys pining after unattainable dream girls. I have a feeling had John Hughes gotten more play at little Glenbrook North High School, there'd be a lot less classic movies.

All of his pent up sexual frustration slowly churned and turned into nerd rage and teen angst. Teen angst, of course, being the corner stone of any moderately successful teen comedy. Angst as we know is measured in cubic centimeters and is a measure of anxiety over fear in correlation to puberty. It's what we do with teen angst that's important. Do you let it fester into a killing spree, or do you channel it into something beautiful.

Average Teen Angst Level

The average human has a teenage angst level of 8180 cubic centimeters or roughly 15% angst production.

This sort of teenage angst is mainly forgettable. A couple of bad dates, a failed test, never getting off the bench. We get over these teenage dramas, and after long enough we forget they were ever dramas to begin with.

John Hughes Angst Level

Hughes, however, has a 43600 angst rating!

Those are angst readings reserved for only the true teenage misery. This kind of angst cannot be let go of, this is when your dream girl/soul mate leaves you for the preppy rich kid. Is it a coincidence he died of heart failure? A little too much love to handle. J.D. Salinger may have the only angst index higher.

It's been awhile since there's been a truly great John Hughes film (You can argue Home Alone, but I'm going to go with Planes, Trains and Automobiles). And though his legend lives on, one question remains, one that shall now go to the grave: Is Ferris really Cameron?

I'm finally answering the one question everyone has been asking: Does a wolfman have nards [sic]? WolfGnards.com, of course, refers to this scene in Monster Squad...

The Wolfman's gnards, and the kicking of said gnards, allowed the boys to escape Dracula and his evil cronies in Monster Squad, and without those grand lupine gnards, Horace and Sean would have certainly met their doom. However, the interesting question of a werewolf's vestigial gnarditude arose. Little of werewolf lure is related to mating rituals, so the testicles are a relatively undefined region. As to the debate on whether or not silver shoes are required to effect said wolf gnards, I'll leave that for another debate.

Do Wolves have Gnards?

The fact that wolfmen have gnards is a given. Men have gnards. Male wolves have gnards. Therefore, a human/wolf hybrid would certainly have testicles and all the organs necessary for reproduction. However, what are wolf testicles like? Are they closer to the body like a cat's. A Cat-Man might not even notice a good kick in crotch. Just look at the ThunderCats and their smooth genitals, running around on Thundera without a care in the world.

Wolf Genital Chart

A wolf's testicles would be clearly present and accessible with a swift kick. A male werewolf would most likely be just as vulnerable.

Werewolf Puberty Rate

The only thing that could impact the testicular fortitude of a werewolf is puberty. Has his wolf gnards fully descend? Human's don't descend until puberty, age 10-14. A wolf's testicles, like most dogs, descend in the first year... most in the first 10 - 60 days. Where this leaves a werewolf is a little murkier. After the first bite, and an adult human first changes into a werewolf, are they the equivalent of a cub or a full grown wolf? And if he is in basic cub form, how long does it take to mature? And does the werewolf keep maturing during human phases? These could mean it could take up to 10 transformation for werewolf testicles to drop.

So, yes, Wolfmen do have gnards, but to ensure the presence of werewolf gnards, the wolfman would have to have, at least, one transformation under his belt.

This one's for the ladies, a handy dandy guide on how to pick up your very own nerd.

That's how to do akanbe, Japanese for "Sexy Nerd." Actually, it's a school girl taunt in Japan, the equivalent to "Neener, neener, nyah, nyah." Simply pull down lower eyelid, stick out tongue, and watch the nerds come a calling. This facial gesture is geek catnip, so be careful.

However, as noted, other successful methods to pick up a nerd are: make eye contact, say hello, ask for pencil, sit next to, or be the opposite sex (or same sex). If you make yourself available to even the most hardcore of geeks, eventually they will put down the video game/manga/calculus text book, and take notice. The key is to be in their line of site when they do.

He is no one. But he is every man. He is no where. Yet he is everywhere. He is the night. Well, maybe not the night, but he's, at least, a nice afternoon nap on a cloudy day. He is Jesse Heiman and he is the extra. Who is Jesse Heiman you may ask, but rest assured if you've seen him there wouldn't be such questions. Heiman is one of the finest stander arounders in cinema: actor, writer, creator, innovator (he says so himself). Known to many a Kraft Services as That Extra Guy, he is a professional background artist. Few men manage to take up space with such meaty determination as Heiman. Born in 1978, Jesse was a baby that crawled behind other more picturesque babies. Soon he would toddle behind other toddlers, until he grew into perhaps the premier background nerd.

Jesse has starred in such films as American Pie 2, Old School, Spider-Man, and can be seen on the small screen in on Entourage, Arrested Development, The O.C., and, of course, his greatest role in Chuck. Such accomplishments could easily make him the biggest box office draw since Burt Reynolds. But who could resist these roles? Classic characters like “Winking Comic Book Nerd” and “Piggly Wiggly Shopper” and “Locker Room Student with Inhaler.” He has an actual name in NBC's Chuck... “Fernando.” Jesse Heiman first came to my attention as the rosy cheeked kid standing behind Peter Parker in Spider-man. I thought to myself at the time, he must play some crucial role to Spidey's development because no one stands with such conviction, no cheeks could be so rosy, and not play a critical role. He's also done some incredible stand in work for Knocked Up and Forgetting Sara Marshall. Do to his pleasantly plump frame and semi-Jew fro one would assume that he stood in for Jonah Hill, but Heiman is versatile, he could easily set up the lighting for a Seth Rogan.

Heiman is best known for teen nerd extras, even at 30 that seems to be his area of expertise. It takes more than just horn rimmed glasses and a pocket protector to be a background nerd. The audience needs to feel the agony of a thousand marching bands, they need to believe that this kid could never get laid, and Heiman plays it beautifully. No one doesn't get laid better. A high school movie would be hard pressed not to include Jesse Heiman in the background. He has a special quality of fat combined with nondescript combined with rosy cheeks and invisible face. Fat floating cheek bones if you will, or the perfect TV extra. He moved to Hollywood in 2000 with the dream of being near cameras, camera adjacent. Many thought he would never almost be on film, but he proved his doubters wrong. Heiman stood with the best of them, and he's still standing today. Sometimes even speaking.

Jesse Heiman Montage

Ed O'Bannon has taken some time from his career of piling street junk into a beat up pickup truck to speak out against the NCAA. Actually, I think he might be a used car salesman, which is much better than getting paid million of dollars to dribble a basketball.

Some of you may remember Ed O'Bannon winning a national championship for UCLA. Some of you may remember O'Bannon for averaging 5.2 points a game for the Nets. But most of you probably don't remember Ed O'Bannon at all.

And that's the point.

Ed O'Bannon hasn't done much, but if other people are going to make money off of the his few achievements, he would like to get paid for it. This is why Ed O'Bannon is suing the NCAA. The suit filed this Tuesday states that the NCAA has illegally used college athletes' images for commercial use without sharing any of the proceeds with the former athletes. These images namely being DVD's, photographs, apparel, and most of all video games.

Who is this Player #23?

If you played NBA Live in the 90's, you may remember the legend of Player #23. Michael Jordan didn't want his likeness used in video games, so companies included very familiar, very high jumping, bald player with no name. NBA In the Zone '98 famously replaced Jordan with some white guy. This is because Jordan opted out of the game because of different licensing than the NBA Player's Association. This is what NCAA video games have to deal with. Since college players can't be paid money, video games that feature these players then have to use fake players... fake players, of course, that have the same heights, skills, and general likenesses as their real life counterparts. Ed O'Bannon and many other former college athletes have noticed that Player #31 on the all-UCLA legends team bear a striking similarity to himself.

The Madden franchise has faced similar lawsuits from former players featured on the All-Madden teams. Are we to believe Player #16 is not Joe Montana? Of course not and the players received $28 million because of these. Guys like Ed O'Bannon don't even have much in pro-money to start with. They live for their former achievements. Video game companies are making millions of dollars, and the NCAA is getting paid by them, shouldn't the former players as well?

I like to believe that I'm capable of doing one great thing. Only one though. And I'd like to be paid for that one great thing—be it a hotdog eating championship or finding a dead body or being great at claw machines. I'd like to get paid for my okay things to. O'Bannon buys his lunch out of trucks and eats his lunch in other trucks, a little video game money can upgrade this to a restaurant every once in while. They're not making Used Car Salesman Sims anytime soon, although if they do make that game, I'll probably play it.