Wolf Gnards

So, as I was looking for the perfect Ron Weasley/Rocky Dennis pic, I stumbled across this little gem. It's a cut out Rocky Dennis Mask by Tastes Like Chicken. I know what I'm dressing up as this Halloween!

The rest of your DIY Mask costume is pretty simple. All you need is a black AC/DC T-shirt, jeans, and a denim biker vest. Beautiful Laura Dern-esque blonde girl optional.

This debate started when my co-worker popped his head over my cubicle and said, “Guess what? The Harry Potter chick's 19! Pound it!” And, of course, I bumped fists (no fist will ever go unbumped under my watch), but I felt very dirty afterwards. But here's the dilemma (beyond the obvious creepy perviness), Emma Watson got too good looking to play Hermione Granger, the cuteness of which threatens to unravel the world of Harry Potter. The problem is Emma has grown considerably better looking than her fellow cast members, and particularly her love interest Ron Weasley. To quote the great poet, Joe Jackson, “Is she really going out with him?”

This only became a problem because of a lack of foresight. One: when they made the original movie, no one knew that she would be Ron's love interest, or that romance would ever really became an element of the Potter universe. These were just little kids, so they cast little kids who fit the part. Fine. Problem two: No one suspected the both the fan base and J.K. Rowling would demand that these original kids finish the series. Producers probably thought they would replace the kids every few years. So, the films were stuck with the fact that Emma Watson was becoming a Hermione Granger that was clearly out of Ron Weasley's league.

Why this tears the universe apart is because in a real high school scenario, Hermione would pick the best looking guy in her social circle, that being Harry Potter. If she picked Harry, then Ron becomes a social outcast, drowning his sorrows in witch's brew and black magic. Eventually, becoming the pasty red headed Voldemort to Harry and Hermione's future child, Harrmio. And history repeats itself. Let's say for the sake of argument though that she, in fact, has a ginger fetish. She stays the course and stays with Ron. In the real life scenario, Potter spends every waking moment thinking about Hermione. Writing her love letters,hanging out around her locker. He can't eat, he can't sleep, he can't study magic. Sub par magical training means Harry will make some crucial mistake some place. Voldemort wins, rules the world, kills Ron Weasley, and takes Hermione as his child bride. And, of course, the much more likely scenario of all is she ditches both Ron and Harry for a college wizard.

The point is there is no way that Harry and Ron can stay friends if someone so good looking is between them. At some point, some one's feelings are going to get hurt and in the wizardry world angsty teens become old super villains.

On second thought, what girl could ever say "No" to Ron Weasley?

There's something about Indie Girls that can drive a geek like me crazy. They represent a very special breed of hipster chick. They're outwardly more friendly and less materialistic than a Trixie. Like Geek Girls, Indie Girls are smart, fun, and knowledgeable of pop culture, however, they're also much more put together... as in A ) they're cute, B ) they know they're cute, and C ) they're purposefully trying to be cute. While Geek Girls can certainly be A, it's B and C that often allude them.

To demonstrate the overall appeal of Indie Cuties, our model for discussion will be no other than Ms. Zooey Deschanel: singer, actress, and all around wide-eye stunner.

Bangs

Bangs are an integral part of the Indie Girl. While, Jenny Lewis may be the Queen of Bangs, Zooey represents bangs in fluid motion. No one has more control over their bangs than Zooey Deschanel.

What's behind those bangs we ask? A massive brain perchance, a brain that could understand our quirks and idiosyncrasies? Zooey's bangs are on a 1:1 face to bang ratio, this is the maximum size bangs can be before they enter New Jersey/Texas territory. Any larger and she's no longer smart and witty, but some sort of trashy.

Eyes

Zooey's eyes are often described as her best feature. They say "the eyes are the gateway to the soul," and like her bangs, her big wide eyes make us believe that something wonderful is going on behind them. An Indie Girl without large doe eyes is hardly an Indie Girl at all, just a squinty nerd with marginally fashionable style.

The color is important, too. Zooey's is an almost unnatural shade of blue. These are eyes that say, "I understand what it's like to be different." They also might say, "I could be an alien."

While, dating an Indie Girl is awesome. Dating an Indie Girl Alien is even better. What Nerd hasn't had that Green Babe Star Trek fantasy?

Smile

Zooey Deschanel is also the master of the Indie Girl smile. It's a smile that borders on a surprised gasp. It's shock combined with almost a knowing wink and displays her sense of wonderment. What does she see to make her smile so? Did someone just make a hilarious Dr. Who reference? Or a cunning observation on the two Coreys? Zooey's is a much practiced smile, maybe, too practiced but still lovely.

Legs

An proper Indie Girl needs not have great legs, but great leggings are a must. Leggings draw attention to legs, while simultaneously covering up any imperfections, the results? Perfection. Without knowing what said legs actually look like all we can do is dream of the wonders that lay underneath.

The Stance

The Indie Girl stance is also critical. Most Indie Girls are on the skinny side with flailing legs and arms, something akin to Olive Oyl. Zooey likes to take a wide stance in her pyramid-like power stance.

However, if we map Zooey's signature stance we find something interesting going on...

Zooey's power stance is clearly a rough facsimile of Kurt Vonnegut's eyes, nose, and mustache. What better why to reach any well educated geek than to invoke their literary idols in her very movement?

Conculsion

These Indie features help make Zooey Deschanel stand out from the rest. Take her sister, Emily Deschanel for example. Emily is a fine looking woman with very similar features as Zooey, yet not nearly as cute. Don't get me wrong, when Emily dressed up as Wonder Woman, it had all the tell tale effects on my libido, but she's still world's apart from her sister.

If you look closely, you'll find Emily's lack of bangs reveals a mega forehead. And her lack of the Indie smile makes me believe she won't put up with any of nonsense (and I have much nonsense to offer). However, Zooey is more than just a random gathering of bits and pieces. Replicating her style and DNA is just not enough... sorry, Katy Perry. Likewise, it takes more than just instructions and bangs to be an Indie Girl. It's a state of being and that's what you got to love about them the most.

However, sad to say for most of us Geeks, Indie Girls like Zooey seem to have their eyes set only for Indie Douches with acoustic guitars.

I was reading this story about a firefighter dressing up as Spider-Man to save an autistic child, and it got me thinking about super suits. A real life Spider-Man would run into some major wardrobe malfunctions. In a real fire whatever synthetic material Spidey's suit is made of would go up like kindling. Tobey Maguire joked about the Spider-wedgies in Spider-Man 2, but the problems of fully functional super suits run much deeper than any wedgie.

The Thermodynamics of Superhero Costumes

The most glaring problem with comic book superheroes is the construction of their secret super suits. Is Peter Parker a seamstress? Batman is easy to forgive, with Bruce Wayne being a billionaire and all. He could afford fine Italian craftsmanship. But Peter Parker is at home with a needle and thread, are we to believe he could craft anything remotely fashionable or functional. Skin tight body suits need to be tailored. Could Martha Kent possibly sew anything that doesn't resemble footy pajamas? However, I'm willing to suspend my disbelief, maybe, fairies deliver superhero costumes. Maybe, Versace supply heroes with outfits free of charge. It doesn't matter where it comes from, it's how they work that's important. I mean Spider-Man got a costume from a “Costume Making Machine” in Secret Wars (Of course, that outfit turned out to be an alien symbiote, but that's entirely different story), anything can happen.

The main problem I see with superhero costumes is any sort of climate control. The problem with any superhero's suit is sweating, soupy balls and pit stains (or soupy breasts, it's an equal opportunity life saving biz). In the Spider-Man movies, Peter Parker likes to perform the iconic Superman shirt rip, but are we to believe Pete is sitting around all day in full body long underwear... in the summer? Superman has the excuse of being Kyptonian, he doesn't sweat much and is probably not effected much by extreme hots or colds. But is non-sweating part of a spider ability? Batman is the probably the most unbelievable because he's a regular dude underneath his threads. We know that Gotham City is located somewhere in New Jersey. We know New Jersey is humid as hell. We know every actor to don the cape and cowl has complained about how hot and unbearable it is.

Heat + Head-to-Toe Foam Rubber = Bad Times

Available at this year's San Diego Comic-Con is a Star Wars themed toaster. Just what chubby Star Wars fans needed: More carbs!

That's how they get you though because, of course, I want it, and I don't even eat that much toast. But now every piece of toast I'll ever eat, if it doesn't have Darth Vader's face stamped on it, it will just be a huge disappointment.

I think Lucas Arts needs some more health conscious options for today's leaner, meaner fan boy. Maybe, a Boba Fett Salad Shooter.

Call a Jedi a Trekkie and just see what happens. Lightsaber to the throat, kid. There's nothing worse than being misclassified. It's just a profound statement of just how misunderstood you really are. Do your parents really understand you? Not if they're putting phasers under the Christmas tree, they don't. The same is true for Nerds and Geeks. No nerd calculates so hard, gets such perfect grades, to be called a geek. Likewise, no geek spends 3 weeks putting together the perfect steam punk ensemble to be called a nerd. Too many people use the terms “geek” and “nerd” almost interchangeably. While the key differences between the two may be relatively minor to some, they are critical to those in the know. For the uninitiated, it's time to find out makes a nerd a nerd and a geek a geek.

Nerd

The term nerd first came about in the 1950's when suspenders, pocket protectors, and badly taped horn rimmed glasses were all the rage. “Nerd” first appeared in print in Dr. Seuss's If I Ran the Zoo. “... A Nerkle a Nerd and a Seersucker, too! “ However, the meaning is a little unclear. Other sources claim it's an off shoot of nert (meaning nuts), knurd (drunk spelled backwards), and also gnurd (hmmm... could it be related to gnards of all things).

But despite its origin, Nerd has taken on a meaning of its own. In the world of Nerds and Geeks, perhaps the Nerd is the more cerebral of the two. If a nerd is anti-social it is merely because they're studying far too hard. Calculus, Science, straight A's: these are the things nerds are made of. They do enjoy a good calculator joke from time to time (6922251 x 8), but will forever be marked by their need to achieve. Some say nerds lack any sort of social development skills, however, this is simply untrue, a nerd just does not care to develop social skills. The frame of thought is if they make enough money, who needs to be socialized? Nerds are raw brain power at its finest.

Famous Nerds: Bill Gates, Steven Hawking, Al Gore (he invented nerds), Ben Stein

Geek

If nerds are almost soulless computation, geeks are their free-spirited counterparts. The geek is the nerd's inner freak... literally. The term geek comes from carnival sideshows, the wild man who bites heads off of chickens and such. Something far more primal than today's modern geeks. Geeks are now unilaterally almost always associated with fandom. If geeks are better socialized than nerds, it is only because they've devoted their lives to a piece of pop culture that happens to have other like-minded geeks also devoted to it. The average geek gets pretty solid B minus grades, but can repeat every line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail verbatim. Comic books, Dungeons & Dragons, Sci-Fi, Cosplay: these are the tools of the geek.

Society has even seen a rise in geek subculture with the geek chic or faux geeks as the case may be. A strange blend of Emo and techie, the faux geek manages to impress girls with his iPod while having little to no knowledge of the inner workings of Dr. Who. While, a faux geek may be tolerable to hang out with, DO NOT bring them to trivia night. They will be little help.

Famous Geeks: Weird Al Yankovic, Tina Fey, Seth Green, Wil Wheaton