Shadow Hare To the Rescue

Who is the Shadow Hare? Cincinnati Superhero

Obviously the Shadow Hare uses his skinny body and high pitch voice to strike fear in the hearts of criminals. And Shadow knows much like Batman that criminals are essentially a superstitious and cowardly lot, so he has taken on the mantle of the bunny. It's a proven fact that gang bangers just don't like fluffy rabbits, being in the city, they're just not used to such woodland creatures.

You can check out Shadow Hare's crime fighting stats at the Super Hero Registry: also browse a wide variety of other real life superheros (delusional virgins). But Shadow's not so bad, he's a member of a team, so you know he has at least four people to get beat up with him. Nothing says friendship like going to the hospital together. Also, there's even a girl in his super hero group. Perhaps they've held hands or he's taken her out for milkshake after their daring do (mostly giving sandwiches to the homeless).

Check out Shadow Hare's MySpace page, which is also incidentally how Cincinnati's police chief contacts the Shadow Bunny. The Bunny Signal is on back order.

Favorite quote: I'm sure he wouldn't recognize us because he's blind, but I'm sure he'll recognize the taste of good meal, wouldn't you say, old chum?

Favorite Real Life Superhero Team: The Justice Society of Justice

And before you rip on them too much, remember, at least, they've done some for society, something lame and embarrassing, but they've done something.

Chewbacca: Now with Creamy Nugget Filling

If you haven't checked out Cake Wrecks yet, you should really have a look. They have some breathtaking disasters. Technically it should be nice just to get any cake, but these cakes are definitely sad. We'll come down hard if misquote Han. Now imagine that misquote in cake form. There are thousand ways to mess up Chewbacca... in cake form it all equals turds.

There's an old saying that goes: Never Mess with a Wookie. Hopefully these Chewie Cakes explain why.

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Racism Funny? Doug Funnie that is

So, for some reason I got to thinking about that Nickelodeon show Doug. About a bald kid and his wonder mutt; he's the new kid in town and sometimes he dresses up in his underwear. I can't remember Doug ever being an enjoyable show, but I sure watched it enough. It's one of those shows that you can just zap on in the background and sort of ignore, but sort of follow at the same time. And that's where the problem is. Doug has slowly and slyly seeped into our subconscious to undermine society.

Doug Funnie Nazi

Here's the problem with Doug. Doug is a multicultural cartoon show, but only multicultural in the fact that the characters are all different colors. Green, blue, purple, and every shade of the rainbow. Nickelodeon's Doug was the United Colors of Benetton of poorly animated programs, however, something sinister lurked. Think about it. The underlining meaning of Doug is that, while other nationalities do in fact exist the only one that matters is white. Other cartoons usually just don't have minority characters, mostly because they simply don't have the budget to animate a bunch of different looking background characters.

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I'm Totally Eating Your Brains

Zombie Avatar

Check out my zombie avatar! Do you I eat brains? Check. Do I move slowly? Double check. Smell bad? Most definitely. Make uncalled for moaning sounds? I do, I do. But I'm a lovable zombie, the zombie next door you can take home to mom. Zombie Musashi would most likely avoid the greater zombie war at large to read about Saved by the Bell on Wikipedia. More of a lover than a fighter. A lover of old TV shows and useless trivia, but a lover all the same. And after the first wave of zombie hordes are destroyed, Zombie Musashi would reign supreme with his vast knowledge of the inner workings of Bayside High.

Get your Zombie Avatar at PopCap. It's a promo for their new game Plants vs. Zombies.

The Uggies: Brian Posehn and James Taylor

These next Uggie winners represent a very special sort of ugly. What do James Taylor and Brian Posehn have in common? Dulcet tones? Nope. Nerd rage? Not that I know of. Posehn and Taylor happen to suffer the same fate as most jocks in high school, that being they were formerly handsome. More than that though, not only are they not handsome, but they have strayed into the stratosphere of ugly. The only thing worse than being pug fugly is knowing the sweet taste of beauty.

If you follow 30 Rock then you're probably familiar with the “handsome bubble.” The idea is that the extremely handsome have no concept of rules or regulations, everything is always done for them, and they pretty much live a different reality than our own. This explains why so many beautiful people are dumb as rocks, does beauty and stupidity simply go hand in hand or does the brain go into atrophy from years of disuse? However, not only can this handsome bubble burst, but it can implode. Turning beauty into beast, and can this beast possibly be ready to deal with the real world, a real world of getting parking tickets and paying bills on time?

James Taylor

James Taylor

James Taylor is classic singer song writer, who surprisingly enough is known more for his musical ability than his good looks. However, your mother or grandmother would probably argue that point. If you were alive in 60's and 70's the biggest reason to buy James Taylor records were for his album covers. He had thick shampoo commercial hair and the face of an angel, the face of a goddamn angel, I tell you. By the 80's his once long hair was rapidly receding. But it's more than hair loss because bald men can be attractive (Dee Dee says Ben Kingsley is a Sexy Beast). His face started going sour around the same time... just small changes, slightly harsher feature. His skin now looks like it was burned by boiler room furnace after the neighborhood parents caught him molesting their children. OK, so he's not the Freddy Krueger or the Elephant Man, but it's really the fall that I find fascinating from beautiful to handsome to average to slightly below average. Maybe, not trollish, but the bubble has certainly burst. One funny note, the majority of pictures of old James Taylor have the very top of his head cropped out as if no one will notice he's bald.

Brian Posehn

Brian Posehn

Brian Posehn: now we're talking ugly. This is the dictionary definition of ugly. If Taylor was boderlined, Posehn has hit critical mass. If you're familiar with Brian Posehn's early work like on Just Shoot Me, you'd probably say, “He was always weird looking.” Or if you're more familiar with The Sarah Silverman Program that he was always “gigantic, orange, and gay.” And while in real life he is not gay, he really is that gigantic and orange. However, what you may not know about Brian Posehn is that he used to be handsome. Not gorgeous like Taylor, but certainly not circus ugly. Brian Posehn was the All-American boy. Posehn used to have long flowing blond hair and a trim build, just a typical California surfer dude. Early on he was known as the Keanu Reeves of comedy. And somewhere along the line he went from Surfer von Dudenstein to the heavy metal nerd we all know and love. I don't know if it was gradual or over night ugly, but it him and it hit Brian Posehn hard. Perhaps it was something like this: Brian wakes up and finds the spot next to him in bed empty. This spot has never been empty! So, he had to find a way to fill it again. If he had any musical ability he would have become a heavy metal guitar god... next best thing: a nerd comedian.

Honorable mention: Jan-Michael Vincent (However, he had his face ground by car accidents, so I don't think he counts)

Your reporter in ugly,
J. Douglas Musashi

Is the World Ready for a New Kirk?

William Shatner vs. Chris Pine

Shatner Pine
That's not really a tough question or a question at all really, there is only one James Tiberius Kirk and that man is William Shatner. The new Star Trek film is due to be released on May 7, and upon its release thousands upon thousands of nerds will flood their blogs with one profound statement: That's not Kirk!

Now I have no problem with Chris Pine. I have no problem with the new. In fact, I think Next Generation is far better than the original Star Trek series (but that's a whole other debate). My problem is that Chris Pine has the audacity to not even try to do a Bill Shatner imitation. Yes, it would be completely cheesy, but it's really the only thing that can be done. Look at the Star Wars prequels. Ewan McGregor did a hell of an Alec Guinness imitation. He wasn't bogged down by it and he added his own spin to the character. McGregor was an actor and he acted. He was charged with being an iconic character, Obi Wan Kenobi, and he did his job by utilizing what was laid out before him.

And here's where the problem is... James T. Kirk is William Shatner. Or is it Shatner is Kirk? Shatner is so crucial to the character that the two have become hopelessly intertwined. So, how are we to believe that Chris Pine is a young James Kirk if he uses none of the tools at his disposal? The only thing worse than a bad Kirk imitation is an obvious Kirk impostor.

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