Natalie Portman Gangsta Rap

Before I shut up about the wonders of Natalie Portman, I thought I'd share this just in case you were hiding under a rock.

You horny nerds have made Natalie Portman #1 search term on Wolf Gnards. Beating out Rufio, Air Bud, and Small Wonder's Jerry Supiran (He's alive and well by the way). Natalie is a bad ass bitch. It goes to show if you post her, nerds will come.

Separated at Birth: Wozniak and Donkey Kong

Wozniak and Donkey Kong

Steve Wozniak was booted off of Dancing with the Stars, and can finally leave behind the fast paced world of competitive dancing to return to his carefree life of a nerdionaire (nerd billionaire). Don't feel bad for Woz though. America no longer has to suffer through Wozniak's bad dancing and Wozniak can continue to swim in his money bin (3.6 billion worth). It's a win/win situation. It looks like the twitter nation and mac users around the world just didn't have enough pull to keep Steve Wozniak in the contest. And even though Woz is off of Dancing with the Stars, his legend lives on. And no I'm not talking about the iPhone or Apple Computer. His wireless hardware, Wheels of Zeus? Hardly. Steve Wozniak's legacy is a gorilla in a red tie.

Steve Wozniak is, in fact, Donkey Kong. The facial similarities are too much to be ignored, but it's not just the spot on looks. Woz's friend and co-founder, Steve Jobs, dropped out of college to work for Atari. Atari would go on to license such games as Pac-Man and... Donkey Kong. Coincidence? It was Steve Jobs that got Wozniak in with Atari founder Nolan Bushnell. Before Apple was even a glimmer, Wozniak designed games for Atari such as Breakout. It's easy to to see that Japan would take notice of Wozniak, his beard, his jowls, and his Breakout skills. In fact, Japanese game publisher Taito would go on to port Breakout as Arkanoid. They knew Wozniak existed and they went out of their way to copy without his permission.

Surely a meeting took place in Tokyo that went something like this: “Look at these upstart Americans moving in on video games with their body hair and man boobs... let us make him a monkey.” And so it was said and so it was done.

Apple went public in 1980. Donkey Kong was released by Nintendo in 1981. The computer industry was a small world in the 80's. Were paths never crossed? When Donkey Kong creator Shigeru Miyamoto was trying to picture a "stupid and goofy" ape, how could his mind not wander to Steve Wozniak. Urban legend states that original names for Donkey Kong were Monkey Kong and Woz Kong.

While there's no undisputed evidence that Donkey Kong is based of of Steve's friendly grin if I was ever around Woz holding a barrel I would be prepared to jump.

Zatanna on Smallville

Zatanna Zatara

Zatanna Zatara made a guest spot on Smallville. Nothing more than a bad actress on a bad show, but still it's Zatanna. How often is there going to be a living, breathing witch in fishnet stockings. They're not going to make a Zatanna movie any time soon, so I've got to take what I can get, right? I've had a crush on Zatanna since Batman: The Animated Series. Even at 10, I knew those legs looked good. That's how I liked to remember her, too, as the leggy illusionist whose father helped train Bruce Wayne to be an escape artist. That didn't happen at all in DC continuity. Zatanna's father, John Zatara, was a real sorcerer and she like her father performed real magic using by speaking backwards.

So, when they announced Zatanna was going to be on Smallville, I got mildly excited. I haven't watched Smallville in years. I gave it much more of a shot than it deserved and watched for several seasons, mainly because it's Superman and Kristin Kreuk was so cute. However, I just got tired of the bad acting, terrible writing, and so-so special effects. But Zatanna got me to flip over for another 60 minutes.

I originally planned to rip into Smallville's portrayal of Zatanna, but I've had some time to calm down. Serinda Swan plays Zatanna Zatara in this very special episode of Smallville. In the episode Hex, she turned Chloe into Lois Lane and, of course, wackiness ensued. Then Zatanna cast a spell on Clark to make him forget his super powers and, of course, wackiness ensued. Then Green Arrow pranced around and wackiness ensued. Now what I was really planning to bite into was Serinda Swan as Zatanna. The problem is Serinda simply is not hot enough for Zatanna. Then I actually felt really bad for her. Here we have Serinda, a perfectly beautiful actress, that all of a sudden will have a legion of nerds saying she is not hot enough. I think we can criticize her acting, but it is Smallville, so it's not like she was acting with Lawrence Olivier. Next to Erica Durance's overacting and Tom Welling's constant smirking, Serinda was a very passable actress. So, we turn to her looks to pick apart. I mean she's fine looking, she has the dark hair, she almost have the eyes, but her legs are just not Zatanna legs, and for that we'll bash her. Here is a girl who in all likelihood would not even consider sitting next to a guy like me, and I have the nerve to say she's ugly.

But maybe she needs that, though. She's going around thinking she's a Zatanna level of hotness. If she thinks she's too good to sit next to me, she's sadly mistaken. Plenty of beautiful women have sat next to me. Dee Dee Supreme sits next to me almost every single day. But I digress. Isn't it enough to see Zatanna? Must I be nit picking? Must I be unsatisfied. Can't I just appreciate a hot chick in silk stockings?


Yours truly, the homely man with an empty seat,
J. Douglas Musashi

Jizz in my Pants

So, Dee Dee says, "What's 'Jizz in my Pants'?"

I open my computer and say, "I'll show you."

Dee Dee, "I don't wants to see your jizz in the pants!"

Willy Wonka Horror Movies


Starring Christopher Lloyd as Willy Wonka, Martha MacIsaac, Zach Gilford, Paul "Boner" Rust, Nicky Whelan, Paul Scheer as Mr. Slugworth, and Wee Man as Oompa-Loompa.

Not a real movie, but it should be.

The original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was one of the most gruesome movies in history. Augustus Gloop was super heated into fudge, Violet Beauregarde was squeezed until her insides or on her outside, Veruca Salt may or may not have been incinerated but at the very least suffered serious neck or body injury, and Mike Teevee was run through a taffy machine. And where were these kids at the end? No where! Body bags most likely. Not to mention Charlies and Grandpa almost being chopped to bits. Why would such a dangerous over head fan be in the room that stores the Fizzy Lifting Drink? Tim Burton was purposely trying to be creepy in his remark and he didn't even come close to the original film.

The great debate: Gnards or Nards

There's a big debate in my circle of nerds: is it spelled Nards or Gnards? To G or not to G, that is the question. It's been pointed out to me by several people that I should have named the site WolfNards instead of WolfGnards. Why did I go with G? It's just a little G, but to me it was important. From an SEO standpoint I could potentially lose a lot of Nard-based traffic, but really, how many people are typing “Nards” into Google? Any percentage of zero traffic is still zero. For me, not getting what little Nard traffic, that may or may not exist, was less important than being correct in the spelling of Gnards. A lot of nerd culture basically boils down to be right about things that most people care very little about.

Spelling non-standardized or undocumented words?

In my writing, I've been known to use slang or other fringe words that might deviate from the standard dictionary. As chillax as I am, I have not time to wait for the American Heritage Dictionary. In most cases I like to take the matter to the people: what has the most results on search engines. However, by simply googling “Nards” vs “Gnards,” we'll find that the “Nards” spelling is much more prevalent. The problem is just because it's used more doesn't make it correct.

So, alternatives dictionaries can be a great source for slang words, however, they do little to clear up the nard/gnard debate. The Urban Dictionary recognizes both deviations, with separate entries for Nards and Gnards. So, instead we must dig deeper into the etymology of the words. Nards is derived from Spikenard also known as the muskroot. Spikenard: an aromatic perennial herb having rose-purple flowers. Not much to do with testicles, but a musky smell could fit and an allusion to seeds might be there. Gnard has no direct relation to spikenard or other words, but may be related to gnar or gnarl: meaning a knot in wood; also, a tough, thickset man. To me a tough or thick set man has more to do with balls than a bunch of flowers. Gnard can also be a derivative of gonad with only a letter difference separating them.

Why Gnards is preferred?

The silent G helps at the very least elevate nards from common slang to socially accepted lexicon. It adds the smallest amount of legitimacy to very silly word. Plus, the G in gnards helps differentiate gnards from the common name form as in Bernard, Oxnard, Menards. It's sort of like Oriental vs. Asian. Asian are people. Oriental are things. Nards are for names (author Nard Jones for instance). Gnards are for testicles.

When Snoop Dogg was talking about, “Ain't nothin' but a G thang, baby.” The G thing in question was obviously the gnards.