Virginity Rates: Nerds Staying Pure

Virginity Rates by Majors

Oh, the burden of mathematics. This chart released by Counterpoint Magazine at Wellesley College illustrates the virginity rates among college majors. 83% virgins for both Chemistry and Mathematics. Obviously this proves what I tried to explain to my high school geometry teacher, numbers make vaginas sad. Though, check out the art majors! Should I be concerned that Dee Dee Supreme was a studio artist? What is it about painting that makes them want to touch you all over?

The college virginity chart has been spread across the Internet far and wide, and may or may not be true. The virgin rate seems highly suspect to me. Even if these sex figures were genuinely generated, the statistics are still suspect. Wellesley College is a women's liberal arts college, any mathematicians there are probably not considered the belle of the ball. What's more how can we intemperate data from an all girls school? Surely, the sexual statistics are different than a co-ed university? And also we must consider the definitions of sex? Is a late night petting session between Diane Sawyer and Madeleine Albright considered sex, or is it just a harmless tickle party?

Though regardless of how accurate it is, the virginity rate does tell us one thing: nerds and virginity go hand in hand. But did we really need a chart to tell us that nerds weren't getting laid?

Darth Vader Phone Home

Darth Vader Phone

When I was looking for Darth Vader pics (I know, what an awesome photoshop job), I ran across this little beauty. The Darth Vader Telephone! You too can have a direct line to evil Sith Lords. Call up Ewoks. Put Alderaan on hold... permanently. The Darth Vader Phone, made by Kash 'N Gold, is not just a hunk of black plastic, but an annoying hunk of black plastic. What does the novelty phone do that's so annoying? The question is what doesn't this novelty phone do that's annoying.

This phone isn't for the Star Wars superfan, this phone is for someone who has given up trying to get laid. Check out the features of this Darth Helmeted Phone:

  • Darth Vader's head swivels when phone rings
  • Flashing lights
  • Imperial March ring tone
  • Additional Star Wars sound effects located on Darth Vader's chest (light sabers clash, mechanical respirator, Mom yelling to get out of the bathroom)

So, pretty much anytime someone calls, Lord Vader goes into a epileptic seizure. Which would never get annoying, especially if you receive multiple phone calls in a day. Although, if you own the Darth Vader Phone, you probably don't have to worry about that. In all seriousness, I would love to place a phone call through Darth Vader, just so I can tell whoever is lucky enough to receive my call where I'm calling from. However, the Vader Phone is out of production, so if you're lucky enough to find one on eBay, expect to pay $50 or so. I've seen it listed for over $200 though! That's an iPhone.

Jock's have Sports Illustrated football phones, us geeks have Darth Vader Phones, but either way someday our wives will throw them both away.

Your blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi calling from the Death Star.

Hayden Christensen: Ruining the Things I Love

Christensen and Bilson

Speaking of getting with that fine ass Queen Amidala, it looks like that wooden rogue Anakin is settling down again. Hayden Christensen became engaged to Jumper co-star Rachel Bilson. It has not been confirmed but Christensen most likely proposed in a monotone voice "Will... you... marry... me... bee... boo... bop?" The bee-boo-bop, of course, being his robotic personality.

Haychel, as I've coined the new entity, is just another in a long line of actors falling in love on a movie set. It goes to show just how idiotic actors really are. That's not to say acting isn't a difficult skill. If I ever try to do something even remotely thespian, I just end up stammering then giggling then giggling and stammering again. I think actors can become a role because they simply have nothing going on to begin with. They're going into it with a glass very much half empty. Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson just represent a prime example: the onset romance. Actors fall in love because they can't tell the difference between pretending to be in love and actually being in love. Christensen is so stupid that a director tells him to love with someone and he falls in love. He's like a slobbery puppy dog. It doesn't happen all the time, but it happens enough that there must be a connection. Eliot didn't have sex with E.T., but they probably made out a bit, second base, at least. I've never fallen in love with anyone I've worked with, of course, it does happens in real life but Hollywood does it best.

The ultimate is when an actress falls in love with her director. She's actually falling in love with the person that's telling her to fall in love. That's like an acting masochist. Directors should know better, it's got to be something like statutory rape. The age of consent for a starlet should be raised to like 35 (of course, no one wants them by then).

But back Hayden Christensen, the guy just continues to ruin everything good in the world. First Star Wars then Rachel Bilson, what's next? Vader is the biggest geek killer of them all. His next project casts him as Case in William Gibson's classic cyberpunk novel Neuromancer. Really, Christensen? Must you ruin Neuromancer? After that he'll most likely play Dr. Who then Freddy the Talking Flute in the big screen remake of H.R. Pufnstuf.

Hopefully, Bilson will sap the energy out of him, although, she's a little emaciated looking--probably not too much in the way of stamina. Time to sandwich up, Bilson, and keep Christensen from working!

The Refreshing Taste of Steven Seagal

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

How come no one told me that Steven Seagal has a energy drink? Would I like some Steven Seagal energy coursing through my veins? Hell, yes, I would. Would I like a pony tail? No. Would I like an Oriental shirt? Perhaps, but no. But would I like to taste what's on Steven Seagal's lips? All signs point to yes. I need his massive tubbier than thou energy coursing through my veins. Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt comes in Cherry Charge and Asian Experience. Is he really the best person to be promoting the Asian Experience? Caucasian Cola, maybe. All I'm saying is Glimmer Man Grape better be on the production line.

I like the little picture of Steven Seagal though. It says this product has bad taste and is most likely bad tasting. It's hard for me to imagine that type of douche bag that sees Steve Seagal's picture on an energy drink and then puts that drink in their stomach. I like his quote, too, "A Natural Energy Drink Packed With Vitamins and Exotic Botanicals." I think they should change the quote to, “I'm in the bathroom... What? I don't care, just put my name on it. I need money, dammit.” The Lighting Bolt website says that its choked full of delicious Chi energy... it's got what your spirit craves.

I just hope this leads to more beverages by B-list action stars: Jean Claude Ginger Ale or Wesley Snipes' Cream Soda (Strangely enough also comes in Asian Experience).

Jean Claude Van Damme Drink

Every Nerd Loves Natalie Portman!

I just got back from Amsterdam, there will be pictures soon, but until then I figured I'd share with you some pictures you might actually enjoy. It's a proven fact: nerds love Natalie Portman. We got to have her. It's in the nerd bylaws. Here are the key reasons we love her so:

  1. Natalie Portman is smart. Like insanely super smart. She went to Harvard and to be honest that intimidates me more than how good looking she is.
  2. Natalie Portman is indie. What this means is that she's a little different, possibly a little quirky, and for some reason we believe this makes her attainable.
  3. Natalie Portman makes films geeks love. While she may or may not be a geek herself, she's in movies geeks love, namely the Star Wars prequels and V for Vendetta. Portman is a Fanboy's wet dream. She's like 8 Princess Leia gold bikinis rolled up into one.
Natalie Portman, Black & White
Portman's Legs
Natalie Portman: Short Hair
She even looked good after she shaved her head for V for Vendetta.
Natalie Portman's Stomach

But mainly we love her because she's hot. Very hot. She makes me feel funny deep down in my wolf gnards. The only draw back with Natalie Portman is her penchant for indie douches. Gael García Bernal, Jake Gyllenhaal, Adam Levine, and Devendra Banhart to name a few. For those of us that can't pull off bizarre facial hair, it leaves us painfully bereft of Portman.

Onward to Adventure...

By this time tomorrow I'll be well on my way to Amsterdam, got my passport, got my Euros, got all the hot spots marked on a little plastic map. A week of debauchery and money to burn (nerds get paid money for services rendered, much more money than those damn Alpha Betas!). However, since Amsterdam is a city of intrigue, dangerous things can happen. The shit can go down. I've got a secret wallet, but is that enough?

If I don't make it back, if for some unknown reason this is my final blog than these are the events that have most likely unfolded...

I think I'll be fine, more than fine, let's hope.

Until 911 comes barging in, your blogger in Amsterdam,
J. Douglas Musashi