Thunder Cats: The Movie?

This is probably the best fan made movie trailer I've ever seen...

How does anyone have this sort of time on their hands? I barely have enough energy to wake up in the morning. Most of these fan made movies usually involve much more motivated nerds than myself jumping around in home made spandex suits, but this is just beautifully done. Most guys the edit just splice film together, but this geek put a little effort into it to transform like 5 bad movies into something spectacular.

Thunder Cats, Ho!

Jerry Supiran: Dead, Corgan, Taco Bell

Jerry Supiran

Dead, Corgan, or Taco Bell—sounds like the worst variation of Fuck, Marry, or Kill ever, but are the possible fates of Jerry Supiran. Supiran played Jamie Lawson on the sitcom Small Wonder. I work at a job where I'm at a computer all day and I occasionally have some time to kill, which means I end up googling things like Small Wonder. Not really much to say about a bad show with bad actors, the most successful one being Mrs. Poole. However, the interesting one is Jerry Supiran, who played the non-android little bro. Or I guess older brother. Or youngly humanoid of indeterminate age. The reason Supiran is fascinating is because for some reason the internet rumors fly fast and furious with him. It seems just about every blogger has a Jerry Supiran theory.

Billy Corgan

The most popular theories include that he grew up to become Billy Corgan, he's alive and well working at Taco Bell, or he died in 1994. The odds that Jerry Supiran grew up to be the front man of the Smashing Pumpkins is slim at best. This rumor most likely grew because Supiran looks vaguely like a young Billy Corgan, the same way people thought Marylin Manson played Paul on The Wonder Years. But I've never actually seen Corgan's birth certificate, so who knows. He could have definitely faked his own death to shed his Small Wonder image and start an alt rock band. The Taco Bell rumor is simply to play off the little success that Supiran has had post-Small Wonder. The rumor insists that Jerry either quit acting (or most likely acting quit Jerry), and he fell so far that he's working the taco line at the Bell in Central California.

The death rumor is probably the most persistent for Supiran. It's also the easiest to fake. In fact, Wikipedia has gotten in on the act, “Jerry passed away at the age of 21 due to a long-term complications stemming from a severe heart murmur. Jerry is survived by one son who he fathered in 1991. Jerry was no stranger to trouble in his adult life, his struggles with alcohol addiction adding to his existing heart problems.” Wikipedia has also stated, “Jerry's life was no 'Small Wonder.'” That's my favorite because I'm sure that's how Supiran would want his death to be listed, in fact, I'm sure that's what it says on his tomb stone. Wikipedia has since removed all the death remarks, but I'm sure they will return. This is because bloggers such as myself have little to no lives. Faking celebrity deaths are right up there with Rickrolling, it's just good old fashioned internet fun, before things got all mean girl on MySpace.

How to Fake a Death

The secret to faking a good celebrity death is to supply details and pick the right celebrity to kill. Details such as “fathered a child in 1991,” “struggles with alcohol,” and “heart problems.” And the right celebrity is someone no one cares about, but is still immensely interested in. This being a nice D-list celebrity that used to be on a show that people sort of remember and people sort of maybe liked. For instance, Michael Ray Bower who played “Donkey Lips” on Salute your Shorts died in 2007 after a long battle with Hoof-and-Mouth Disease. He passed away in Tarzana surrounded by friends and family. You read that and you say, “Hoof-and-Mouth Disease? That's weird, too weird not to be true.” And dying surrounded by loved ones, that does sound like something Donkey Lips would do. We could even say that Bower always had Hoof-and-Mouth and that's why they named his character Donkey Lips. Extra facts might include something about Michael Bower playing background characters in pornos, and while he never actually had sex on tape, here's a video of Donkey Lips naked. And now that it's out there in cyberspace, the death of Donkey Lips is true.

Donkey Lips

A Jerry Supiran Update

Jerry contacted Washed Up Celebrities to set the record. He likes Golf, he's fairly certain he's not Billy Corgan, and he really loves wearing silly hats. Jerry even Twitters.

Why he didn't reach out to Wolf Gnards, we might never know. But if you're out there, if you're listening, we're here for you, Jerry.

And the Uggie Goes to...

In the honor of the Oscars, I thought I'd put together my own little award show: The Uggies, Great Achievements in Male Ugliness. A winner of an Uggie is more than just looking like Sloth, that type of ugly is just way too easy. An Uggie Award is for those that fall on the line, somewhere between plain and grotesque. An Uggie winner can't star in a monster movie outright, but if Jason removed his mask, you wouldn't be surprised if you saw him there. An Uggie doesn't make children scream, but his ugly face just might make it into a few bed wetting nightmares.

Our first Uggie goes to... it's a tie! It's a toss up between two professional basketball players known more for their dismal mugs than their on the court skills.

Chris Kaman

Chris Kaman

Chris Kaman is the gold standard for athletic ugliness. He's this generations top BWG (Big White Goon). And while the likes of Jon Koncak, Bill Wennington, Luc Longley, and Shawn Bradley were never known for their good looks, but Chris Kaman makes them look like Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models. Kaman is bald and somehow has long hair, he has acne, and weird horse teeth. He has a little bit of a pale Bubba Gump Shrimp thing going on. Possibly the ugliest man to ever dribble a basketball.

Adam Morrison

Adam Morrison

Adam Morrison is the ugliest player ever to be drafted by Michael Jordan. While Morrison does not possess the raw ugliness of Chris Kaman, he has not yet reached his full ugly potential. The thing that really bothers me about Morrison (besides the fact that he can't hit a jump shot) is that his ugliness is largely self imposed. The ugg source obviously being the rat-stache and 1970's bushy bushy brown hairdo, the guy looks like a 70's porn star. If you can't grow a mustache then don't grow a mustache, it's that simple.

Morrison and Kaman have a few things in common, which is why they're co-MVU's (Most Valuable Uggies). They both have medical disorders: Chris Kaman has ADHD and Adam Morrison has type 1 diabetes. The question is are they ugly because they're diseased or are they diseased because they're ugly. Since, Morrison was recently traded to the Lakers, they also both play ball in Los Angeles (Kaman plays for the Clippers). Paris Hilton better watch out because these BWG's are hitting the LA scene!

Honorable Mention: Robert Swift

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The Sleeping Bear

Sleeping Bear

From killer monkeys to bears, oh my. Like Cool features its sleeping bag alternative, the sleeping bear. I think its safe to say, we're all afraid of bear attacks. I hate them and you hate them. It's like you're out camping with that special lady and someone decides to whip out the honey and you get a little sticky. Then, of course, she decides it's time for a little fish play. A recipe for disaster with hungry bears lurking behind every tree trunk. The sleeping bear is the perfect solution: it's cozy, it's warm, it easily fits two, and it protects you from viscous bears. This is why they invented camouflage. See a bear sees a sleeping bear in your camp and it says, "I want to go in there and eat those campers all up, but the bear already has dibs, and I respect that."

I really want to buy me a sleeping bear sleeping bag, unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be for sale. But I'm pretty sure I can make it my self. All I need is a bear, a gun, and a zipper.

Sweet Dreams,
J. Douglas Musashi

Monkey Trouble

Monkey with a Gun

Recently in the news it was reported that the Old Navy monkey, Travis, was involved in a shoot out with the Connecticut police. Travis the Chimp was found to be high on Xanax and shivved by his prison bitch, Sandra Herold.

The incidental started when Travis the Chimp attacked a friend of Herold's, ripping her face off in the fashion of Leatherface. It is unknown if Travis planned to wear her face as a mask.

In other news, Great Grape Ape was arrested for statutory rape, and Chim-Chim was sentenced to Grand Theft Auto. Perhaps, Kirk Cameron was right after all. Only bad things can happen from dressing a monkey up like a person. In all truthfulness, I don't want to be wearing pants either, I just can't see way a monkey would either.

Grape Ape

Air Buds in Space

How exactly does a movie like Air Buds in Space get made? The film industry is just a fascinating process to me. Like if full length feature films were exclusively made by creepy dudes in basements, I could totally see how Air Buds in Space can get made. I mean besides masturbating, what else does he have to do? If you can't think of anything better to do than bating, I'm sure taking your time to write and direct an Air Buds movies sounds like a fantastic idea.

Space Buddies

But that's not how movies are made, movies are made in conference room, by grown men and women with college educations. Most likely wearing suits. With ties!? And Air Buds in Space is the best they can do! Someone not only had to have the wolf gnards—the shear audacity—to pitch Air Buds in Space, but someone else had to greenlight it as well. Someone had to hear that idea and say, “Why not? Why not throw these dogs into space.”

How do we get to the point where we're shooting innocent sport loving puppies into space? The problem is Air Bud has mastered every sport there is: basketball, football, baseball, soccer, tennis, bowling, cricket, jai alai, midget tossing. So, at the big Hollywood meeting where the big boss man asks, “What will Bud master today?” and a lesser boss man meekly answers, “outer space,” it sounds like a fresh approach. Because “outer space” is neither a sport nor a logical answer to his question. Instead of just a regular bad idea, this sounds like an executive is thinking outside the box. The lesser boss man could have easily have said that Air Bud should be a lady judge on TV then, of course, they would have made Air Bud in Court which could have been just as enjoyable.

Air Bud started with a simple dog that could hit an occasional basic on David Letterman, why are we sending this dog into space. Where are spending millions of tax payers dollars to see a dog sink a basket in outer space. What scenario would have to unravel for NASA to send Lassie or Patrick Ewing or a combination of Lassie and Patrick Ewing into space. Why must we go there, but more importantly if an Air Bud can go to space, surely Chunky Butts can also get a green light.

Your friendly neighborhood blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi

P.S. Dee Dee thought I photoshopped Spuds MacKenzie in the picture, sadly Spuds is for real and for some reason is joining those puppies on their wacky space voyage (ably voiced by Diedrich Bader). David Bowie also joins the Space Buddies on their magic journey.