Wolf Gnards

Men may seldom make passes on girls who wear glasses. But the red blooded nerd is not limited to such trivialities. Not only will we make passes, but we thrive on girls who wear glasses. Quite frankly not enough females break out the prescription lenses.

So, I put together a list of the top celebrity women who rock the sexy librarian glasses look. And I’m talking full on four-eyes-can’t-see-no-date-on-friday-night-glasses glasses. Famous girls in over-sized sunglasses hardly count. Additionally, I want women who really wear glasses, women who are known for glasses, not some secretly squinty starlet. You can definitely find photos of Zooey Deschanel, Hayden Panettiere, Alicia Keys, Rosario Dawson, or Anna Faris wearing glasses, but that doesn’t mean they wear glasses. We will have no pretenders here.

Thora Birch almost made the list solely because of her role in Ghost World. However, her part dictated the glasses, her glasses didn’t dictate the part. Likewise, Sienna Miller is very hot as G.I. Joe’s vision impaired Baroness, but hot or not, that doesn’t count toward Sienna’s glasses cred.

1.Lisa Loeb

I don’t know what I love more about Lisa Loeb, the fact the she loves wearing glasses or that she hates wearing pants. Lisa’s number one in glasses and number one in our hearts.

2.Tina Fey

I can’t really say much more about Tina Fey than I already have. Her scar, her glasses, her alleged lack of self esteem, makes me believe that she’s attainable. Plus she says things like, “By the hammer of Thor,” let’s see 20/20 girls pull that off.

3.Janeane Garofalo

Janeane Garofalo is perhaps the first lady to shove the Hollywood image system aside and let her glasses shine. She helped a whole generation of young women wear black, make snarky comments, and be proud of their glasses.

4.Chloe Sevigny

Chloe wears glasses. Often in public. That’s about it. She also performed oral sex in a movie. That kind of shows off where glasses rate in our society. It takes a girl willing to perform fellatio on screen to wear glasses on the red carpet.

5.Velma Dinkley

Brainy. Cute. Does all the work. Short skirt wearing. Not a bad dancer. Why would Freddie ever waste so much time with Daphne? Scooby-Doo’s Velma paved the why for glasses wearing cartoon characters like Daria Morgendorffer.

Who’s your favorite girl in glasses?

* Girls with Glasses update

Lisa Loeb is launching her own line of indie cute girl glasses.

To celebrate Memorial Day, I thought we’d honor one of the ultimate All-American Nerd icons: Wonder Woman. Technically, of course, she’s not an American, she’s from the Amazonian Isle of Themyscira, but I think her star spangled panties speak toward her patriotism (insert saluting flag joke here). Wonder Woman is interesting because she wasn’t created by just any old geek, but by Dr. William Moulton Marston, a psychologist. In other words, a professional nerd. Besides creating Wonder Woman, Dr. Marston also invented the Lie Detector… hmmm, sounds a lot like a magic Lasso of Truth.

Dr. Marston was one of the great comic pioneers because he was one of the few intellectuals of the 1940’s who believed in the educational potential of comic books. DC comics (National Periodicals at the time) eventually hired Dr. Marston as an educational consultant. This lead to the good doctor to creating a character himself, someone originally conceived who would triumph not with fists or firepower, but with the power of love.

To bring Wonder Woman to life, William Marston drew upon the women of his life: namely Elizabeth “Sadie” Holloway Marston and Olive Byrne. It was his wife, Sadie Marston’s idea to even make the character a woman. Legend has it the conversation went like this, “Come on, let’s have a Superwoman! There’s too many men out there.” However, there’s much evidence to support that Wonder Woman also drew on Olive Bryne, the doctor’s live in mistress. Say what!? That’s right, Wonder Woman’s a freak. Whatever twisted fantasy you already had, it’s time to take it up a notch. Olive Bryne was a student of Marston’s who later entered into a polyamorous relationship with both Sadie and William. It definitely puts a new spin on the DC trinity of Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.

However, even with a open relationship, the far kinky side of Wonder Woman involves her super powers. Wonder Woman would lose her powers if her wrists were bound together. Many early comics involved elaborate schemes to get Wonder Woman tied down. Of course, it actually does have a somewhat feminist point of view, for as hard as the bad guys tried to bend Wonder Women to their will, she always broke free, and she always triumphed over men. The crazier the sadomasochist dilemma, the greater the triumph. Marston’s idea of femininity was a 6-foot-tall Amazon with a golden lasso that forced obedience on the snared. It’s a little like my love for female volleyball players (although with less lassos and more knee socks). I loved in The Brave & the Bold when Wonder Woman and Superman were side by side and she towered over him. In Marston’s mind, women not only held the potential to be as good as men: they could be superior.

A Wonder Woman movie has been in development hell for years. Pretty much any actress with brown hair and a sexy body has been attached to play Wonder Women at some point in time. Jennifer Lopez, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Connelly, Mariah Carey, Rachel Bilson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Beyoncé, Charisma Carpenter, Morena Baccarin (so cute), Jessica Biel, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Katherine Heigl, and Megan Fox. If you’re a brunette in Hollywood and you haven’t been tapped to play Wonder Woman then you’re career is probably not going well. The Sandra Bullock Wonder Woman project was probably the closest one to happening and that wasn’t terribly close at all. Personally, I wouldn’t mind Linda Carter.

Read more »

I just got back from Amsterdam, there will be pictures soon, but until then I figured I’d share with you some pictures you might actually enjoy. It’s a proven fact: nerds love Natalie Portman. We got to have her. It’s in the nerd bylaws. Here are the key reasons we love her so:

1. Natalie Portman is smart. Like insanely super smart. She went to Harvard and to be honest that intimidates me more than how good looking she is.
2. Natalie Portman is indie. What this means is that she’s a little different, possibly a little quirky, and for some reason we believe this makes her attainable.
3. Natalie Portman makes films geeks love. While she may or may not be a geek herself, she’s in movies geeks love, namely the Star Wars prequels and V for Vendetta. Portman is a Fanboy’s wet dream. She’s like 8 Princess Leia gold bikinis rolled up into one.

But mainly we love her because she’s hot. Very hot. She makes me feel funny deep down in my wolf gnards. The only draw back with Natalie Portman is her penchant for indie douches. Gael García Bernal, Jake Gyllenhaal, Adam Levine, and Devendra Banhart to name a few. For those of us that can’t pull off bizarre facial hair, it leaves us painfully bereft of Portman.

There’s only one way to explain just how fun, carefree, and cool a character is: a Hawaiian shirt. Sunglasses, of course, portray cool pretty well, but if a movie really wants to let the audience know that this guy likes to party (or par-tay) they go Hawaiian shirt. Why spend needless time with exposition, back story, or character development when a shirt will do the job for you? Great for fat characters! The floral pattern deemphasizes beer bellies while emphasizing beer drinking.

Hawaiian shirts in film or television say so much more than just big fat party animal… a lamp shade on head or neon t-shirt under sport’s jacket will say that. The Hawaiian shirt is the unexpected party animal. It’s the “Look out for this guy, he’s not your typical [insert unfun occupation].” So, a tax accountant in a Hawaiian shirt means look out for that guy, he’s craaaaaaazy… this is a guy who enjoys long division and a cold pina colada. This is a guy who marches to a different drummer, and that drum might be calypso.

Thomas Magnum (Magnum, PI)

Not just a Detective, a Detective who likes to have fun

Mustache + Hawaiian Shirt = (No, not Gay Porn Star) One Bad Ass that likes to Party
Tom Selleck practically originated Hawaiian shirt good times, before Selleck Aloha shirts simply meant limbo and roasted pig. He changed it to sports cars and intrigue. Notice how his Hawaiian shirt is tucked in, it let’s you know that yeah, Magnum likes to get down, but Magnum likes to wear tight ass jeans, too.

Magnum, PI also has one of the few legitimate excuses for a Hawaiian shirt as it actually took place in Hawaii.

Chadwick Gates (Blue Hawaii)

Not just a surfing GI singer, a surfing GI singer who likes to have fun

Even Elvis turned to the magic of the Hawaiian shirt.

Chunk (Goonies)

Not just a fat kid, a fat kid who likes to have fun

Every fat kid movie has a fat kid who wears Hawaiian shirts. In cinema, it’s the only way to tell the fat kids who are outcasts from the fat kids who have friends.

Freddy Shoop (Summer School)

Not just a Gym Teacher, a Gym Teacher who likes to have fun

Mark Harmon is so cool even his dog is cool. If your teacher is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and his dog wears sunglasses, you know your summer school is going to be a breeze.

Tony Montana (Scarface)

Not just a drug dealer, a drug dealer who likes to have fun

Say hello to my Hawaiian shirt! Not only does a Hawaiian shirt let you know that Tony has a good time, but it let’s you know he’s damn good at having a good time because only the top gangster in town can pull off a Hawaiian shirt.

Quagmire (Family Guy)

Not just a sex addict, a sex addict that likes to have fun

Sex addict in a Hawaiian shirt is like a double sex addict, it immediately let’s you know just how depraved Quagmire is.

John Candy (Everything)

Not just your Uncle/Dad/Salesmen, your Uncle/Dad/Salesman who likes to have fun

Fun is proportional to Fat times Hawaiian meaning true excess can only be expressed through total gluttony. If Hawaiian shirts are for big fat party animals, Hawaiian shirts are for John Candy. He was the Caligula of 80’s comedies, he laughed harder, he ate harder, and he Hawaiian shirted harder than all the rest.

Read more »

When I first saw Tegan & Sara, I thought to myself, “I think I have a crush on them.” Then I thought, “And I think they might be lesbians.” As it turned out the indie pop rockers do happen to be lesbians, but it matters not to my crush–they’re cute no matter what their sexual preference may be.

Dee Dee Supreme tries to cheer me up sometimes by saying, “I totally think only one of them is a lezzy lez and the other is just pretending for the sake of the act.” But a nerd crush isn’t about reciprocal love! I have as much of a chance with Tegan or Sara as I do with Natalie Portman and Tina Fey. It’s the dream that counts not my sad sack reality (although, my reality does include the ever awesome Dee Dee who tries to set me up with cute lesbians… how many nerds can say they have a girl like that).

But I digress. Tegan and Sara are not the typical nerd crush… they’re indie, they’re musicians, and it looks like they’re not very good at math. However, what they lack in nerd they make up for in dork. Tegan & Sara Quin are twins. Dork. They mostly likely speak of twin language. Tegan has a ptosis in her left eye. Dork. A ptosis is also known as Dork eye or Popeye. Tegan & Sara are Canadian. Dork.

They also rock the mullet as well as the mic. I can see where straight men might not be attracted to them, their might just a little too much gym teacher intimidation going on. But I really do think they make the mullet look good. And, yes, I am hypnotized whenever Roadhouse is on the television, but mullets are hard to pull off and it takes a super cute dork to do it. I’m also a big fan of their sound (They rock the moog–the dorkiest of synthesizers), and sometimes I like to imagine that they’re writing songs for my female lesbian doppelganger, but perhaps I’ve shared too much.

Your mulletless dork-eyed blogger,
J. Douglas Musashi