Wolf Gnards

The internet is a buzz of a possible Monster Squad remake by Rob Cohen and Michael Bay. Yes, Michael Bay, the same Michael Bay best known for crappy remakes and for scrounging around our 80’s childhoods for source material (poor Optimus Prime… what have you become). With Monster Squad it’s two in one shot, a crappy remake and a piece of my childhood. But not only that, a crappy Monster Squad remake would be a remake of something that is already widely accepted as a crappy film. That’s crap on crap, or a crappy crappy remake.

Movies used to be made like this: a writer had an idea, wrote that idea down, showed that idea to a studio who then liked that idea, who hired a director who also liked that idea, who then cast actors who right for that part and able to convincingly act those ideas out. Now Hollywood films are decided by Excel spreadsheets. X movie has X fan base which equals X revenue, if X revenue exceeds the cost of theatrical distribution the film is released in theaters, otherwise it’s direct to video. Other factors now include things like X actress has X sized boobs with X number of men who will pay X dollars to see X boobs bounce.

A Monster Squad remake is interesting because Monster Squad was a huge theatrical flop. It become a hit on cable and VHS, and even then in only the most ironic of ways (As in “this movie is so bad, it’s good). You can’t force a cult classic though, it’s the one thing a spreadsheet can’t predict. Bay can go two courses with a Monster Squad remake: try to earnestly make a great movie or try to out crap crap. If he tries to write a better movie, with better characters, better monsters, better effects, it won’t work because we’ll say the original didn’t have to be good to be good. We’ll miss the original films horribleness way too much. And if he intentionally tries to make a bad movie, it’ll come off like Rob Schneider: kind of sad and trying too hard (the same can be said about the Wolf Gnards website). One thing’s for certain with Bay and The Fast and the Furious‘s Rob Cohen on board, there’s sure to be a 150% increase in monster related explosions.

A new movie would be a great opportunity though to shed some more light on the age old question: Do Wolfmen have Nards? As of yet, neither Michael Bay nor Rob Cohen have reached out to Wolf Gnards for consulting work. Wolf Gnards, of course, being the world’s foremost expert on monster scrotum. I fully expect a phone call from Bay’s camp any day…. any day now (was that a ring!? No. Okay… I’m waiting.) A remake just wouldn’t be a remake without the Gnards in place.

Probably one of the top 10 Saved by the Bell charts in existence right there behind the Rod Belding to stewardess to whitewater rafting pie chart (A Building with two Beldings one of whom is Balding). Two things missing from the Jessie Spano Caffeine Chart… a more complete depiction of Hot Sundae and Jessie passing out a la Alex P. Keaton but Alex P. Keaton was on amphetamines and she had three cups of coffee. via Flavorwire and Nathaniel James, thanks for the heads up Lee.

Other oddities…

How Does Bulbasaur Work? A better question might be where does all the water come from in SSquirtle? Is it vomit? Spit? Or a combination of the the two?

Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard embroidered for Granny nerds everywhere.

James Lipton apparently wrote the Thunder Cats theme song. That’s weirder than Alan Thicke, not any of the theme songs he wrote, just him period. via Nerd Bastards

Star Wars Burlesque! Things are getting hot on Hoth.

The sudden death of actor, Corey Haim, has a lot people keep asking me to do a Haim tribute, but I’ve already written about Corey Haim. And quite frankly I don’t have that much to say on the topic of Corey Haim. But I will say I am pro Haim.

In the Corey/Corey Conundrum I broke down that Corey Haim was the better of the two Coreys. Simply, look at the track record. The best Corey Haim/Corey Feldman films had Corey Haim as the main Corey and Corey Feldman as the backup Corey (Lost Boys, License to Drive). If you reversed the polarity the results were disastrous (Dream a Little Dream, National Lampoon’s Last Resort). Unfortunately, it was the same drug problems that may have lead to Haim’s death that also demoted him to Corey sidekick status. Still I will still always remember him as the superior Corey.

Of course, there has been some disagreement with the Gnards (as there often is) with someone stating that the Corey hierarchy goes:

Corey Hart > Corey Feldman > Corey Haim

I find this ridiculous because no one knows who Corey Hart is, go ahead Google him and come back later, I’ll wait. If you don’t want to Google him, I’ll tell you: Corey Hart is a Canadian songwriter who wrote Sunglasses at Night (now you’re probably like, “Oh yeah, I kinda remember that song… it sucked.”), and by all extents is considered a lesser Corey. How can Hart be the alpha Corey if he’s never even paired with another Corey? It takes a relationship with, at least, one other Corey to be considered in the Coreys, otherwise you’re just A Corey and certainly not THE Corey.

Maybe, in Canada it goes Corey Hart, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, but for the rest of the Corey-appreciating world Haim was (and always will be) the Corey standard.

Or the Tale of Amber Lamps

Who is Amber Lamps? Amber Lamps is the vaguely cute, pseudo hipster girl in the background of the Epic Beard Man video. Or more precisely, Amber Lamps is the girl my co-worker is crazy about. Every day he comes in more wound up than the day before. “I have to find her,” he says. “I have to have her. She’s… my density (Density has popped me to you).” If you don’t know, Amber sits on a bus and watches the action unfold without a care in the world or seemly any interest at all. And for that she drives us crazy… there’s tribute songs and everything. But why? For her? Amber Lamps is a case of bus hot, bus hot in a spectacular way even, but bus hot all the same. Much like Einstein and physics hotness is only relative.

Physical attractiveness is based on comparison, this is exactly why cute girls have ugly friends. And in the vast spectrum of hotness, there’s bus hot, work hot, school hot, almost any kind of hot. In many circles, I’m considered sewer hot, as in surround me by various sewer dwellers (i.e. rats, alligators, Norton, ninja turtles, mole men) and suddenly I become very hot. And this scaling hotness is why fashion magazines have the inevitable ability to make women feel bad about themselves because suddenly they’ve dropped (through no fault of their own) one rung less hot. If magazines and media open up the channels of hot then conversely isolation decreases the channels of hot.

The bus is like a desert island, and once those doors close we are cut off from the rest of civilization. Take the movie Cast Away for example, isolation from humanity made a volleyball a wonderful companion. Now Tom Hanks never wanted to make sweet love to Wilson (at least, not in anything they showed on film) but they did become the best of bosom buddies. With no one to talk to an inanimate object becomes the best available companion. A hierarchy would go beautiful person > average person > ugly person > beautiful animal > ugly animal > beautiful object > ugly object. So, he’d rather talk to a dolphin than a cow, or the Mona Lisa than a volleyball, but given all that was available, the volleyball become the best available companion for Tom Hanks.

The bus works the same way. It offers similar possibles because Jessica Alba does not exist on the bus, therefor since Jessica Alba does not exist in the eyes of the bus, the next girl in line becomes the Jessica Alba and so on and so forth. Simply put, the average become cute, the cute become beautiful, and the beautiful become something other worldly, something that only internet meme’s can describe. Fig. A. 1 demonstrates the bus before the doors have closed with open access to the world. We can see everything for who they are. Fig. A. 2 demonstrates the closed bus system, notice the striking increase in beauty. However, the figures are not to scale, it should be noted that the ugly also become uglier. The bus is such a strange and wonderful world because of the already heavy concentrations of ugly, making those rare beauties so much more beautiful.

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Photo Courtesy of StarPulse

I spend a great deal of my time (if not all of my time) trying to figure out what makes Robert Picardo angry. It haunts me… I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, just an occasional whisper, a cry for help from my chapped lips, “Pi-card-o.” What gets under his skin? It turns out, it’s me.

For those who haven’t been following, I received threatening emails for representatives of Robert Picardo after posting this article about the Miss Klingon Empire Pageant. It was a small, seemingly nonsensical joke not meant to be taken seriously. I didn’t think much about it and I do not check my email often, so imagine my surprise to find out Mr. Picardo is watching, and he’s not pleased. I received not one, but two emails with escalating language.

It seems Robert Picardo’s camp did not take kindly to statements made on Wolf Gnards. Namely this: Check out the Miss Klingon Empire site though if you do decide to hook up with Robert Picardo (for some reason I just like the idea of him living off Star Trek conventions and trying to get Trekkie girls drunk). Mr. Picardo’s people made it clear that he would like this statement detracted along with a formal letter of apology.

From Mr. Picardo’s Business Representative:
“Mr Picardo asks that you remove all statements pertaining to him in your blog, the meanings could be taken as inappropriate, as he is a happily married man. He asks that they be retracted within 24hours of receipt of this email and a letter of apology sent to my email address… We are hoping to get this done in a timely and friendly manner. But please be assured we will go a step further if needed, but we are hoping that all will be resolved before that would occur.”

First off, I would like to say my two favorite things about Star Trek: Voyager were Robert Picardo’s fine acting and Jeri Ryan’s fine ass. Honestly, I don’t know which I would rate higher. It was only out of the deep respect for that acting ability and in loving memory of his humorous depiction of The Doctor (as well as roles in classic comedies like Loverboy, Gremlins 2, and Innerspace) that I even included him in this satire to begin with. And I apologize if the above statement caused Mr. Picardo and his family any pain, suffering, or lasting agony.

But let’s break down what was actually said; nowhere do I state any intimate knowledge of Mr. Picardo’s sexual activities. I do not know how Robert Picardo likes to get down with the get down. That’s a subject that can only be hypothesized upon, speculated on, and devoted to in countless reams of Star Trek fan fiction. The point being I don’t know, and I never said that I did know. All I said was that girls may want to “hook up” with Mr. Picardo (and not that he wants to hook up with them), and that I like the idea of girls wanting to hook up with him. All this means is that I’m saying women might find Mr. Picardo desirable, and that I agree with them. I do not know if Mr. Picardo returns this desire, or even returns any sort of feelings at all for any his fans. Mr. Picardo’s handlers would want me to retract my statement and possibly reverse it. They may want me to say that I find Mr. Picardo repulsive or average at best, but I cannot. I will not apologize for admiring another man. I will apologize, however, for alluding to his sex appeal and handsomeness, some people are shy are do not want that sort of attention thrust upon them. As fans, we have to respect this space.

It was also not my intent to say that Robert Picardo takes advantage of women or needs to get them drunk. Merely that I like to image he’s the kind of star who likes to unwind and imbibe a few spirits with his fans. I have no knowledge of Mr. Picardo being this type of man, I only state that I wish he were. The key words being “I like the idea” as in the concept of or imagining of.

I also would like to apologize to Mr. Picardo for the internet and the nature of the internet itself. It can be a harsh place. As some of us know, the internet is a wild soulless beast that needs to be tamed. What is the internet really but invisible threads of data housed on a nameless and faceless series of servers, collective bits of coding with no real substance, flashes of refracted pixilated light on a computer screen: a hologram of sorts. Who am I to believe that a hologram deserves rights, that something as insignificant and insubstantial as a hologram can stand up to its persecutors. It’s clear now that the internet and other forms of holograms are made to be manipulated and enforced by more powerful forces than myself. It should be made to bend to powerful wills for almost slave labor; and robots, holograms, or the internet should have their memories and thoughts manipulated or erased to serve a greater good. So, I apologize for thinking anything as lowly and despicable as a hologram deserves anything, least of all respect and understanding.

Most of all I want to say that no matter how he feels about Wolf Gnards, I still love Robert Picardo… and I still love Jeri Ryan’s fine ass.

Check out the Futurama Bender Computer Case on Tenezo. This Bender can’t drink, or smoke, but he can play DVD’s through his teeth, and that’s not bad. Plus, how many people can say they own a genuine Bending Unit?

In other news…

Speaking of Jurassic Park’s ending, how would you like some hardcore Jurassic Park Erotica? Goes to show all fan fiction eventually becomes porn, even dinosaur fan fiction.

Star Wars ASCIImation… it’s kind of hard to tell Darth Vader from C-3PO in ASCII form, kind of sad.

Maid Cafe… Why? Who knows why, I’m just glad some horny Japanese nerd thought of it. Japanese push the limits of technology and horniness. Nobody does it better.

And for some reason Tokyo Eye gets their background from 1970’s porn.

Fried eggs on a stick. They say it’s a fail, I say it’s a win. I liked fried eggs. I like pancakes. I like sticks. I don’t see what’s wrong with any of that. via Fail Foods