Wolf Gnards

In my brief Topanga diatribe, someone brought up a very good point. J.M.S. Esq. said, “The most striking thing about Ms. Fishel is her prominent — aggressive, even — bosom. Where the female romantic leads on other teen sitcoms like the Wonder Years and Saved By The Bell were pre-pubescent cute or that asexual acne-medication-commercial attractive, Topanga was a big breasted earth mother of a crush.”

This is a very good point because Topanga’s “aggressive bosom” does seem to go against everything a teen comedy or drama stands for. However, let us remember that Topanga started out as a regular little girl no aggressiveness to speak of, unless network execs measured both her mother’s and paternal grandmother’s bras they would have no way of knowing what they’ve gotten themselves into. Just as young actors can age out of parts, they can grow out of roles as well, and Topanga is a prime example of what is more commonly referred to as the Punky Brewster Paradox or the MMPTB (Massively Massive Pre-Teen Boobs). Punky Brewster’s Soleil Moon Frye grew not only out of most teenage roles, but out of adult movie roles as well.

The problem is large breasts on shows geared for the 13 and under segment are just confusing for everyone. These kids past breast feeding, but not quite ready to do anything else with breasts. However, ratings require that sexy thoughts are had by all: prepubescent lads coming into their own, pervy old men, and both good girls looking to be sluttier and slutty girls looking to be gooder (yes, gooder). It’s a Catch-22, you can’t get the boys with out the girls watching, you can’t get the girls watching without older pervs watching, and you can’t get the pervs without the young boys. To accomplish this, network executives simply take a young looking nymphet, tart her up, put her in a compromising situation or two, and all the while retaining a virginal under tone (notice the purity ring, that means she’s Disney approved).

A simple formula for casting a teen drama, comedy, or the ever increasingly syrupy sweet dramedy goes as follows: Teenage girl plus wholesome back story multiplied by skimpy outfits divided by breast size.

Or

(t+w)s/80085

Teen plus scandalous background times prime and proper clothing divided by breast size, also, works.

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No Hiro, no rating. But is anyone else bugged by the spatial relation problems? They’re all over the map in minutes.

Hopefully next week Hiro will return to his usually horrible antics. It’s getting actually pretty painful to finish this thing, I hope the world appreciates what I have to do to make a Hiro Meter (scary to think how full of hope and joy the meter started out with). I have to actually watch the show. Yeah, I have to sit here and watch this awful thing. Beginning to end. I can already guarantee that the Hiro Meter will never make a return after this year, so enjoy them while they last.

Killing chickens and running from angry villagers is one thing, dunking a basketball is something entirely different. Is Teen Wolf correct? Can a werewolf slam dunk a basketball? The answer is simple: yes… and, maybe, no. If Michael Jordan was a werewolf it really goes without saying that he could dunk a basketball. Some sort of super monster dunk could even be expected. But could a baby werewolf dunk? Or a midget werwolf dunk? Or a shewolf dunk? Werewolves come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, and the curse of the beast is different for all of us. I spent way too much of young life trying to get bit by a wolf just so I could make the basketball team, would it even have been worth it?

Michael J. Fox, in fact, could have some problems. After all, Fox is only 5’4”. Given that height, with regular body proportions to that height, Fox should have a standing upward reach of 79”. I’m assuming that Fox cannot palm a basketball both because hand size is not effected in his transformation and his claws could puncture a basketball. This means he needs at least a 47” vertical leap to jam on a 10 ft basket. This is the minimum it would take, and about an inch higher than Spud Webb could at his peak condition. So, would a lycanthropy boost be enough to propel Michael J. Fox to the basket?

Most would imagine that a Frankenstein is the best monster on the basketball court. And while it’s great in the post, it’s also slow, lumbering, and afraid of fire. However, a werewolf is perfectly suited for b-ball. While I’ve never seen a wolf dribble, shoot, or play defense, the athletic increase alone should count for something. Fox’s character only dunked and blocked shots, which freakish athleticism would have greatly aided.

Here’s what Yellow Stone Park has to say on the matter of werewolf leaping:

The 1 acre acclimation pens were constructed of heavy gauge wire fence material 10 feet tall, round or oblong in shape with a two-foot wide inverted top. The shape was used to prevent any of the wolves from climbing out over the top of the enclosure. We found that wolves held in square cornered enclosures have the potential to gain momentum while circling the enclosure to reach the top. Wolves are also able to jump so high, that they often are able to jump and grab the chain link fence with their teeth and then pull themselves over.

A wolf can almost dunk on its own! So, a human/wolf hybrid should have no problem whatsoever. And younger wolves (or teen wolves), are much better jumpers than adult wolves.

One thing to note is Michael J. Fox is only slightly bigger than an average sized wolf. So, his wolf powers are slightly increased from a regular wolf. Still this is more than enough for Fox to dunk. If all things stay proportional, a teen wolf should be able to jump up to 13 feet, or a 77” vertical. This is calculated for a four legged spring. Two legs could be half as powerful making only a 39″ jump, not enough for the Foxy one to dunk. But considering that most of the leaping power is in the back legs probably only a third of leaping strength would be lost. That’s a 51″ leap and more than enough to slam dunk.

Now whether or not a werewolf can box, that’s a wolf of a different color.

Besides massively awesome theme songs backed by massively awesome synthesizes, a few 80’s cartoons shared another thing in common: completely interchangeable Asian characters. Headband, karate, broken English, and you had yourself an Asian cartoon hero. Bruce Lee may be dead, but his approximate facsimile lives on in 80’s cartoons.

Remember this was a time when multicultural team work was all the rage. Pretty much meaning superhero teams were obligated to wheel out a black character and an Asian character, i.e. Super Friends’ own Black Vulcan and Samurai. Though the main reason of the Asian stereotype cartoon character is for the make believe. As we all know the easiest playground mimic is the the two finger laser gun complete with “da-dow” sound effect. The second easiest is the karate chop. Palm flat, elbow bent, and you’re ready to go. Throw in a high kick for good measure.

Asian Cartoon Characters Who Were Completely Interchangeable

Quick Kick (G.I. Joe)

G.I. Joe’s Quick Kick was a California stuntman fueled by movie references and John Wayne imitations, yet he still found time to meet his share of Asian stereotype quota. Head band… check. Tight black karate pants… check. Shirt? Never: every good Bruce Lee wannabe needs to let his oily muscles shine. Quick Kick also came complete with a fancy sash of throwing stars, which he never really had any need to throw. I’m not sure how often he even really kicked…

Karate One (Bionic Six)

Bionic Six was a multicultural family of bionic powered superheroes, complete with African American adopted son and Japanese foster son. Each member of the Bionic Six also had powers in line with their personalities, so if the son who liked sports could hit baseballs at bad guys and the daughter who loved music could shoot sound waves. Of course, their resident bionic Asian did bionic karate, and was creatively named Karate One. Why go through the hassle of learning actual karate when mechanical limbs will do all the work for you? While not a memorable character or cartoon, Karate One was voice by veteran nerd actor, Brian Tochi, and that’s a good thing.

Bruce Sato (M.A.S.K.)

While, Bruce Sato was not a martial arts expert, he was named Bruce. This fake Bruce was actually named Bruce, the creators of M.A.S.K. weren’t even trying to hide the Bruce Lee reference. Bruce was a good ol’ fashion Asian nerd and mechanical engineer. Not a bad role model, except M.A.S.K.’s token Asian had the unfortunate habit of speaking in Confucius, fortune cookie speak. You don’t know how many times I have to explain over the phone that I’m not Yoda. And like all Asians, Bruce played with toys and created anti-gravity fields. It’s true America: WE FLOAT! Beware and watch the skies.

Or Topanga Meets Sandwich

Danielle Fishel, best known for playing mega haired Topanga on Boy Meets World, was a great nerd crush. Topanga was smart, quirky (perhaps a bit too granola), and she hung out the venerable dorks like Minkus and Ben Savage. So, we say to ourselves, surely she would want to hang out with Wolf Gnards. If this cute girl likes those geeks, a lesser geek, such as my teenage self, must have looked like I walked right off the cover of Tiger Beat. Every prepubescent little nerd dreams of meeting a nice nerd girl, putting in the work, earning her heart and whatnot, then she accidentally or magical becomes hot, and then she’s stuck with this homely nerd who put in so much effort.

Fishel actually dated Ben Savage both on the show and in real life. This wasn’t just following the script. Ben Savage, best known for being a mutant growth of Fred Savage, actually dated Danielle Fishel. He fondled her big hair and other fondlable things. Not only that though, Fishel then turned around and dated Joey Lawrence’s little brother (also on Boy Meets World). Dating Topanga is easy, just trap yourself in a room with her (where you’re one of the few other members of the opposite sex), and constantly explain who your older brother is.

Me: Don’t you know my brother is Ron Gnards.

Topanga: Ron Gnards you say… and I’m trapped in this elevator with you.

Me: Totally.

Topanga: I guess we better make out then.

Me: I guess so.

So, what happened to this hot young star, well she got less hot and less young. But she’s still a fine geek crush. Danielle Fishel hosts The Dish on some lady network, which is kind of like Wolf Gnards for girls.

Topanga’s Weight Gain

Danielle has an inverse hair to body relationship. See as Topanga’s hair on the show decreased, her weight seemed to increase. Perhaps her body compensated for the change in mass. Regardless, Danielle got curvier, and curvy in a very good sort of way. But her hair kept getting straighter and straighter, clearing a pathway for sandwiches.

This doesn’t change a thing.

1. She’s still cute.
2. More of her to love.
3. She’s just becoming more attainable.
4. Given her shortness and new width, she is roughly the same shape and size as R2-D2 and I love me some R2-D2.

Heroes makes the promise of Hiro goodness and let again let’s me down. Overall a negative one on the Asian scale.

1. Too much Claire… – 1. All the promos promised a very special episode with Hiro’s coma, and once again the show has dissolved down to the Claire Show starring Claire featuring Claire with a special appearance by Claire. I like chunky butts as much as anyone, but enough is enough.
2. Dream sequence… -2. A dream sequence is like kissing your sister, in the end it leaves you unsatisfied and slightly dirty. Hiro has gotten so far from being a significant cast member that his biggest moment of the season is in a dream.
3. Finally got to fight Adam Monroe… +2. The big fight that should have happened like 3 seasons ago, finally happened. Better late than never. Hiro got his gnards back, well, half a gnard at least.