Wolf Gnards

Figuring out Time Machine speeds reminded me about my all time favorite temporal anomalies and paradoxes. For those of you unfamiliar with Star Trek or comic books or science fiction of any kind, a temporal anomaly is any sort of change a time traveler causes in his or her many wacky time travel adventures. It’s the butterfly effect, where a butterfly’s wings in the past cause this thing to happen that cause this other thing to happen and so on and so on until Toaster Strudels were never invented. A temporal paradox is a temporal anomaly which causes the time traveler to never go back in time to create the temporal anomaly that made him never go back in time. Huh? This is how perfectly good universes are ruined.

Back to the Future II for example has my all time favorite paradox. To avoid spoilers, I suggest if you’ve never seen Back to the Future II to leave this website and never return. Go on… I’m not kidding… hit the back button, it’s in the upper left corner there.

The original Back to the Future was about Marty McFly trying to stop a paradox from happening, i.e. changing the past to prevent his birth and consequently never going back in time to change the past that prevented his birth. Back to the Future II, however, throws out all pretense of temporal anomalies in favor of hover boards. Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg don’t want you to look at the plot, they want you to look at hover boards. Look there’s a hover board. Don’t look at the temporal paradox. Four hover boards and a baseball bat! Don’t look at the paradox. But we all looked at the paradox, even as a young boy I knew something just wasn’t right.

Old Biff stole the DeLorean and gave young Biff the Gray’s Sports Almanac from the future, which created an alternate timeline. Doc and Marty travel back to alternate 1985 and wackiness ensues (gambling and fires and shotguns, oh my). They then travel further back in time to prevent all this from happening. The problem is the timeline veers the moment old Biff gives young Biff the sports almanac meaning old Biff could never travel back to his original timeline to conveniently drop off the time machine for Doc and Marty to travel back in time in. Old Biff would travel to a future 2015 where he was a millionaire and Hill Valley was in ruins. Furthermore, alternate Biff muddied the timeline enough to prevent time travel from being invented and Doc Brown and Marty from ever meeting: Doc was in an insane asylum and Marty was sent to private school.

Old Biff should have given young Biff the almanac and then the universe should have imploded, where old Biff and young Biff float in a white void of nothingness calling each other “Butt Head” for rest of eternity.

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Wolf Gnards is officially one year old today, and its been one hell of a year. I got a few complaints, I got a little praise, and my blog even crashed from traffic! What started out as just a random collection of my nerdy thoughts has evolved into, well, a random collection of my nerdy pop culture thoughts… with a few charts and graphs thrown in. Through a series of hits and misses (mostly misses), I slowly figured out what this blog was about. I nerd pop culture. I pick apart and over-analyze mundane movies, TV shows, and celebrities. Why? Because it’s fun. I’ve graphed the Coreys and I’ve formulated on Gremlins, and maybe I’ll eventually hit on something resembling a point.

The response has been overwhelming and unanimous, the critics have spoken… GET A LIFE. With a few jabs at my sex life or lack thereof thrown in for good measure. All I ask is if you’re going to crack wise, at least, be original. My work might not important in the grand scheme of things, but maybe in the most minor of schemes. I like to think though that I’m answering the questions that no one cared to ask, but still care to know.

My Top Ten Blog Posts of 2009

Based on website traffic, these are my most popular pages of my first year of Wolf Gnards.

10. Nickelodeon’s Doug was Racist

Actually this is the perfect article to demonstrate how some people just don’t understand this blog or my sense of humor. Doug being the most racist show on television is, of course, a joke, but it’s also kind of true, too.

9. How Rich is Scrooge McDuck?

It turns out very rich.

8. Top Girls in Glasses

What can I say, I enjoy a nerdy girl.

7. Wonder Woman’s Bondage History

A look back at when men were men, women were amazons, and comics were kinky.

6. Nerd vs. Geek

Little more than an excuse to say nerd and geek a number of times: nerd, nerd, nerd, geek, geek, geek.

5. Analysis of the Ever Lovely Natalie Portman

Of course, Natalie makes the top ten list. I usually end of writing about her, at least, once a week. It’s kind of like OCD, but cuter.

4. Breakdown of my Tegan and Sara Crush

By this point you can already see the secret to my success: mention a girl. If you obsess over her, nerds will follow. This is where I learn that girl + lesbian + sisters = even more traffic.

My photoshop skills at their best. Plus a little of my nerdy pop culture gibberish and an excuse to roll out some pictures of Zooey Deschanel.

Longer than I thought he would. Tauntauns are hot.

1. How Long Does Bill Murray Spend Trapped in Groundhog Day?

Appropriate that it’s the most popular article on my site because this is where I figured out what Wolf Gnards was about. Before Groundhog Day, Wolf Gnards was just a blog written by a nerd about various things that interested him (mostly TV and movies), and changed into a pop culture blog with nerd intentions. They may sound similar, but it made all the difference in the world.

Thanks for all the support and let’s hope 2010 brings even more nerdy goodness.

There’s only one way to explain just how fun, carefree, and cool a character is: a Hawaiian shirt. Sunglasses, of course, portray cool pretty well, but if a movie really wants to let the audience know that this guy likes to party (or par-tay) they go Hawaiian shirt. Why spend needless time with exposition, back story, or character development when a shirt will do the job for you? Great for fat characters! The floral pattern deemphasizes beer bellies while emphasizing beer drinking.

Hawaiian shirts in film or television say so much more than just big fat party animal… a lamp shade on head or neon t-shirt under sport’s jacket will say that. The Hawaiian shirt is the unexpected party animal. It’s the “Look out for this guy, he’s not your typical [insert unfun occupation].” So, a tax accountant in a Hawaiian shirt means look out for that guy, he’s craaaaaaazy… this is a guy who enjoys long division and a cold pina colada. This is a guy who marches to a different drummer, and that drum might be calypso.

Thomas Magnum (Magnum, PI)

Not just a Detective, a Detective who likes to have fun

Mustache + Hawaiian Shirt = (No, not Gay Porn Star) One Bad Ass that likes to Party
Tom Selleck practically originated Hawaiian shirt good times, before Selleck Aloha shirts simply meant limbo and roasted pig. He changed it to sports cars and intrigue. Notice how his Hawaiian shirt is tucked in, it let’s you know that yeah, Magnum likes to get down, but Magnum likes to wear tight ass jeans, too.

Magnum, PI also has one of the few legitimate excuses for a Hawaiian shirt as it actually took place in Hawaii.

Chadwick Gates (Blue Hawaii)

Not just a surfing GI singer, a surfing GI singer who likes to have fun

Even Elvis turned to the magic of the Hawaiian shirt.

Chunk (Goonies)

Not just a fat kid, a fat kid who likes to have fun

Every fat kid movie has a fat kid who wears Hawaiian shirts. In cinema, it’s the only way to tell the fat kids who are outcasts from the fat kids who have friends.

Freddy Shoop (Summer School)

Not just a Gym Teacher, a Gym Teacher who likes to have fun

Mark Harmon is so cool even his dog is cool. If your teacher is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and his dog wears sunglasses, you know your summer school is going to be a breeze.

Tony Montana (Scarface)

Not just a drug dealer, a drug dealer who likes to have fun

Say hello to my Hawaiian shirt! Not only does a Hawaiian shirt let you know that Tony has a good time, but it let’s you know he’s damn good at having a good time because only the top gangster in town can pull off a Hawaiian shirt.

Quagmire (Family Guy)

Not just a sex addict, a sex addict that likes to have fun

Sex addict in a Hawaiian shirt is like a double sex addict, it immediately let’s you know just how depraved Quagmire is.

John Candy (Everything)

Not just your Uncle/Dad/Salesmen, your Uncle/Dad/Salesman who likes to have fun

Fun is proportional to Fat times Hawaiian meaning true excess can only be expressed through total gluttony. If Hawaiian shirts are for big fat party animals, Hawaiian shirts are for John Candy. He was the Caligula of 80’s comedies, he laughed harder, he ate harder, and he Hawaiian shirted harder than all the rest.

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Heroes returns, as does the trusty Hiro Meter. Every time I activate the Hiro Meter though, I always say, “this is the last time.” Heroes (the show) has gotten kind of boring, and Hiro (the man) is just a lesson in futility. He will never be anything more than a half-ass stereotype and the show has become a soap opera with super powers.

Nonetheless, here’s your Hiro!

Babbling… -1. Hiro’s sci-fi pop culture babbling should have been fun, and that’s what the show was trying to make you think. Hiro said a funny. But the deeper meaning is that Hiro is a pretend hero. Without his genuine personality, all he had to cling to was fictional bits and pieces of fantasy heroes. What they’re trying to say is deep down inside, Hiro (and by extension the Asian male) is nothing.

Heroes is Awful… -1. While this doesn’t reflect Hiro’s role in the Asian community, the fact that one of the only shows with an Asian lead is so bad, just says bad things all around. Plus, Hiro wasn’t even in the second half, letting what should rightfully be his TV show become Claire & the Gang.

Though, that does bring up one interesting point. I’ve always ragged on Masi Oka because he gets less and less screen time. I thought it was because he just doesn’t ask for it, and he gets pushed around by producers and executives. But what if he knows the show is bad and is slowly trying to distance himself by being in fewer and fewer episodes?

Tired of answering the question, “Where did you get your glasses?” Lisa Loeb finally did something about it.

Our favorite girl with glasses, has come out with a line of eyewear guaranteed to attract guys from 1995. That’s the biggest problem with either a guy traveling to the future, or a girl traveling to the past… how do you break the ice and hook up? He’s either too caveman Dave Mathews Band or she’s too Lady Gaga silver jump suit. Lisa Loeb’s glasses certainly can’t hurt.

Besides picking up guys from fifteen years ago, her glasses are great for librarian or granny cosplay. If you’re really looking for a good time try librarian granny singer-songwriter from the future.

It certainly does it for me!

Seriously, let’s do this.

Look what was waiting under my Christmas tree…

The Short Round Mighty Mugg! I didn’t even know it existed and now I don’t know how I ever lived without it. What does Short Round do? Absolutely nothing, but with that level of awesomeness why would he need to do anything? As we know, he is perhaps the greatest thespian of our time, and he’s sitting on my book shelf.

Short Round is an exclusive from Entertainment Earth, so you better run out and stock up why supplies last. When the Asian revolutions comes, you’ll be glad you did. These things will be like gold bricks.