Wolf Gnards

From my grab bag of goodies, here’s an email from a new Gnard follower:

I just came across your website, and it’s like coming home…

I was wondering if you’ve ever pondered this about Gremlins, which to this day (and I’m a physician) still gnaws at me:

The three rules for keeping a Mogwai are well known: never get them wet, keep them out of direct sunlight, and NEVER feed them after midnight. The problem is, every given moment in time is after the preceding midnight, so when can you actually start feeding them again?

I’ve discussed this with scores of people, and every person eventually comes up with sunrise, but this is utterly arbitrary: why does the sun being in the sky make a difference? And furthermore, IF that was indeed was the case, should the time at which one STOPS feeding be sun DOWN, not midnight (well before which it is dark everywhere).

Most importantly, whenever the safe time to feed again actually is, it’s never explicitly stated, so the ensuing hijinx were inevitable.

I would love your insight – perhaps I’ll finally get some sleep.

JPC

Well, JPC, as a physician you probably know that Mogwai physiology is entirely dependent on both the Mogwaian metabolic rate and relative blood sugar levels. During transformation, Mogwai form more of Chrysalis than a cocoon. This means the furry little critters use all that chickeny goodness (or whatever midnight snack) to form a gooey sludge in their blood called Hemolymph the crucial ingredient for gremlin metamorphosis.

The never feed after midnight is probably more of a good rule of thumb than a strict doctrine. There’s most likely a window of opportunity when a Mogwai’s body is primed for transformation. Perhaps, 11:50 PM to 3:00 AM, or 12:15 AM to 12:45 AM, whatever it is, it’s easier and safer to just say after midnight. The reset cycle is determined not through time of day, but through the Mogawai’s own internal clock. Meaning when it wakes up. It’s the same with diabetics, hormones are released during sleep that can regulate blood sugar levels. Magwai hormones simply regulate demonic energies.

The one flaw, of course, being that since Mogwai and gremlins turn into steaming piles of goo in sunlight, they would most likely be nocturnal creatures, and wouldn’t sleep at night at all.

Some more helpful tips…

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The Legend of John Hughes

I have two words for you: Weird… Science. How much of my childhood did I spend trying to make my very own woman? More than I’d care to admit. Much more time than a reasonable person (young and stupid as they may be) should spend building a woman. I’m older, perhaps, wiser, but I’ve never given up dreaming. Much to the dismay of teen movie fans everywhere, 1980’s film maker John Hughes has passed away. John Hughes was not only responsible for every great movie in the 80’s, but some of the greatest nerd moments in cinema.

Hughes’ great film nerds include: Farmer Ted, Long Duk Dong, Brian Johnson (The Brain), Gary & Wyatt, Duckie Dale, Cameron Frye, and Keith Nelson (The whinny Eric Stoltz character from Some Kind of Wonderful). Three of these characters, of course, were played by Anthony Michael the Hall, but it was always Hughes at the heart. There seems to be a bit of a theme of misfit guys pining after unattainable dream girls. I have a feeling had John Hughes gotten more play at little Glenbrook North High School, there’d be a lot less classic movies.

All of his pent up sexual frustration slowly churned and turned into nerd rage and teen angst. Teen angst, of course, being the corner stone of any moderately successful teen comedy. Angst as we know is measured in cubic centimeters and is a measure of anxiety over fear in correlation to puberty. It’s what we do with teen angst that’s important. Do you let it fester into a killing spree, or do you channel it into something beautiful.

Average Teen Angst Level

The average human has a teenage angst level of 8180 cubic centimeters or roughly 15% angst production.

This sort of teenage angst is mainly forgettable. A couple of bad dates, a failed test, never getting off the bench. We get over these teenage dramas, and after long enough we forget they were ever dramas to begin with.

John Hughes Angst Level

Hughes, however, has a 43600 angst rating!

Those are angst readings reserved for only the true teenage misery. This kind of angst cannot be let go of, this is when your dream girl/soul mate leaves you for the preppy rich kid. Is it a coincidence he died of heart failure? A little too much love to handle. J.D. Salinger may have the only angst index higher.

It’s been awhile since there’s been a truly great John Hughes film (You can argue Home Alone, but I’m going to go with Planes, Trains and Automobiles). And though his legend lives on, one question remains, one that shall now go to the grave: Is Ferris really Cameron?

In 1988, we couldn’t get enough of boys named Corey, in fact we needed more, much more: Haim, Feldman, Corey Hart, noted chemist Robert Corey, Corrie, Indiana. They were in lockers, trapper keepers, Corey hotlines. And by 1989 we were done them, Coreyed out as the case may be. Both Cory Haim and Corey Feldman’s careers were all but over by 1990. They weren’t even 21 and they were all but used up by Hollywood. What happened? How could we have forsaken the two Coreys? Where did the Coreys go wrong?

Reasons for the Untimely Demise of Coreys

• Drug problems
• Lack of parental guidance
• Bad scripts
• Corey oversaturation
• The onset of late blooming ugliness (ie Brian Posehn syndrome)
• Michael Jackson obsession
• Lack of talent
• Musial interests (coupled with overall lack of talent)
• Growing popularity of the name Tyler

There can be Only One Corey

The main problem was the Corey to Corey dynamic itself. To say that “there can be only one” is actually incorrect. Truthfully, there can be only one main Corey. In 1989, there was a paradigm shift in the Corey infrastructure, which could ultimately lead to rupture in the space/time continuum, not to mention the implosion of two teen idol careers. Let’s look at the successes of the Corey Haim/Corey Feldman paring. Lost Boys: success. License to Drive: success. Dream a Little Dream: dismal failure. The key difference is that Corey Haim is the main Corey in License to Drive and Lost Boys, while Feldman is the sidekick. Dream a Little Dream switched their roles to disastrous results. And unfortunately, they never switched back. Feldman kept his “leading man” role throughout their many undertakings with “classics” such as National Lampoon’s Last Resort and Dream a Little Dream 2.

The reason the former dynamic worked so well is because Corey Haim is better looking and Corey Feldman is the better actor. When little girls tacked pictures of the Coreys to their wall, and assuredly they tacked both, it was only Corey Haim that ever really had a place in the hearts. Feldman was just a convenient Corey backup: the best man at their wedding. In teen movies, the lead male simply has to be someone that the audience can stand looking at for 90 minutes. So, where did Feldman fit in? As the better actor, he got all the funny sidekick lines. While not handsome, he was charming for what little screen time his average looks could afford. Switch it around and you have to stare at Feldman for an entire film, while Haim butchers every punchline.

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Zack Morris is back!

He did it. Mark-Paul Gosselaar dressed up as Zack Morris complete with big ass cell phone. Not the best skit, but a real good sport. He did sing some “Friends Forever” with the Roots though, can’t beat that.

All in all, Stansbury material (the Harvard of the West). Too bad Screech is going to be such an a-hole. He’s going to be like when Potsy held out on the Weezer video.

There’s a growing movement on the internet that Ferris in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off does not exist. Much like Brad Pitt’s character in Fight Club, Mathew Broderick’s character is simply a figment of Cameron’s fractured mind. That’s, of course, why internet pundits have dubbed it The Ferris Bueller Fight Club Theory or the Bueller/Durden Derivative. It’s pretty simple really: there is no Ferris, only Cameron. The Bueller Fight Club Theory was perhaps first postulated by Cool Papa Bell at Metatalk.

This is what Papa Bell has to say:

My favorite thought-piece about Ferris Bueller is the “Fight Club” theory, in which Ferris Bueller, the person, is just a figment of Cameron’s imagination, like Tyler Durden, and Sloane is the girl Cameron secretly loves.

One day while he’s lying sick in bed, Cameron lets “Ferris” steal his father’s car and take the day off, and as Cameron wanders around the city, all of his interactions with Ferris and Sloane, and all the impossible hijinks, are all just played out in his head. This is part of the reason why the “three” characters can see so much of Chicago in less than one day — Cameron is alone, just imagining it all.

It isn’t until he destroys the front of the car in a fugue state does he finally get a grip and decide to confront his father, after which he imagines a final, impossible escape for Ferris and a storybook happy ending for Sloane (“He’s gonna marry me!”), the girl that Cameron knows he can never have.

It’s a fun theory to bat around because Cameron is the timid everyman and Ferris the outgoing superman. We could apply this to everything: Bugs Bunny is just in Porky’s mind, Zack Morris is just a splinter of Screech, and Sam Beckett is not only leaping through time but monitoring himself as Al… wah? Maybe, it doesn’t work with everything. The Bueller/Durden Derivative isn’t without its hiccups. The entire movie being a part of Cameron’s delusional mind doesn’t quite ring with Fight Club. Tyler Durden was more than an imaginary friend, he was multiple personality off shoot of Jack’s warped mind. This would mean that Cameron simply doesn’t dream Ferris, but that Cameron is Ferris, and would put Sloane into the same role as Marla Singer, dating both Cameron and Ferris. Because why would Cameron go through the time of imagining up his dream girl only to put her in the arms of another man?

The biggest flaws with the Bueller Fight Club theory are the side stories. That being the stories of Jeanie and Rooney. What do these stories have to do with Cameron? Why would Cameron conjure up an imaginary sister for an imaginary Ferris? And why is Rooney after Ferris when it is Cameron who is ditching school? We can break everything down as every character representing some peace of Cameron’s wounded psyche, but I think we have to actually strive to fit the pieces together.

And while this isn’t a flaw, why is Cameron missing from the entire ending? If it’s truly his story then the story should end with Ferris and Cameron’s parting. However, this is how the ending would make sense for me: Cameron isn’t just imagining a perfect ending for Ferris, but is experiencing the perfect ending in heaven. After the 1961 Ferrari 250 GT fell out of the garage, Cameron’s father naturally murdered his son perhaps with some sort of lead pipe. The ending wouldn’t be Cameron’s fevered imagination, but how he perceives the afterlife. Which strangely enough for Cameron involves Matthew Broderick on a trampoline. But who’s heaven doesn’t?

All in all, a fun theory, and you’ll have a good time both defending it and breaking it apart.

Here are my top 5 cartoon intros and/or theme songs. My only criteria was it had to be a cartoon from my childhood. So, shows like Cowboy Bebop, Futurama, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Foster’s Home for Imaginary Creatures were all out of the running. All great theme songs, but all were irrelevant to the shaping of my impressionable young mind. The cut off was puberty, if I was already growing awkward facial hair then it’s those cartoon lyrics had little to do in why I’m such a nerd. Also, shows like Jem, She-Ra, and the Smurfs were out because I was far too macho a child to watch them. I did the research and these are the cartoon shows I came up with. I’ve found that all great cartoon intros of the 80’s have a few things in common: A hero role call that showcased powers and hobbies, stutter hook (i.e. Ch-ch-chi-Chip ‘N Dale), and some sort of really great synthesizer action, possibly a Moog.

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