Wolf Gnards

In the honor of the Oscars, I thought I’d put together my own little award show: The Uggies, Great Achievements in Male Ugliness. A winner of an Uggie is more than just looking like Sloth, that type of ugly is just way too easy. An Uggie Award is for those that fall on the line, somewhere between plain and grotesque. An Uggie winner can’t star in a monster movie outright, but if Jason removed his mask, you wouldn’t be surprised if you saw him there. An Uggie doesn’t make children scream, but his ugly face just might make it into a few bed wetting nightmares.

Our first Uggie goes to… it’s a tie! It’s a toss up between two professional basketball players known more for their dismal mugs than their on the court skills.

Chris Kaman

Chris Kaman is the gold standard for athletic ugliness. He’s this generations top BWG (Big White Goon). And while the likes of Jon Koncak, Bill Wennington, Luc Longley, and Shawn Bradley were never known for their good looks, but Chris Kaman makes them look like Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models. Kaman is bald and somehow has long hair, he has acne, and weird horse teeth. He has a little bit of a pale Bubba Gump Shrimp thing going on. Possibly the ugliest man to ever dribble a basketball.

Adam Morrison

Adam Morrison is the ugliest player ever to be drafted by Michael Jordan. While Morrison does not possess the raw ugliness of Chris Kaman, he has not yet reached his full ugly potential. The thing that really bothers me about Morrison (besides the fact that he can’t hit a jump shot) is that his ugliness is largely self imposed. The ugg source obviously being the rat-stache and 1970’s bushy bushy brown hairdo, the guy looks like a 70’s porn star. If you can’t grow a mustache then don’t grow a mustache, it’s that simple.

Morrison and Kaman have a few things in common, which is why they’re co-MVU’s (Most Valuable Uggies). They both have medical disorders: Chris Kaman has ADHD and Adam Morrison has type 1 diabetes. The question is are they ugly because they’re diseased or are they diseased because they’re ugly. Since, Morrison was recently traded to the Lakers, they also both play ball in Los Angeles (Kaman plays for the Clippers). Paris Hilton better watch out because these BWG’s are hitting the LA scene!

Honorable Mention: Robert Swift

Follow up:

Uggies in Action