Wolf Gnards

Dead, Corgan, or Taco Bell—sounds like the worst variation of Fuck, Marry, or Kill ever, but are the possible fates of Jerry Supiran. Supiran played Jamie Lawson on the sitcom Small Wonder. I work at a job where I’m at a computer all day and I occasionally have some time to kill, which means I end up googling things like Small Wonder. Not really much to say about a bad show with bad actors, the most successful one being Mrs. Poole. However, the interesting one is Jerry Supiran, who played the non-android little bro. Or I guess older brother. Or youngly humanoid of indeterminate age. The reason Supiran is fascinating is because for some reason the internet rumors fly fast and furious with him. It seems just about every blogger has a Jerry Supiran theory.

The most popular theories include that he grew up to become Billy Corgan, he’s alive and well working at Taco Bell, or he died in 1994. The odds that Jerry Supiran grew up to be the front man of the Smashing Pumpkins is slim at best. This rumor most likely grew because Supiran looks vaguely like a young Billy Corgan, the same way people thought Marylin Manson played Paul on The Wonder Years. But I’ve never actually seen Corgan’s birth certificate, so who knows. He could have definitely faked his own death to shed his Small Wonder image and start an alt rock band. The Taco Bell rumor is simply to play off the little success that Supiran has had post-Small Wonder. The rumor insists that Jerry either quit acting (or most likely acting quit Jerry), and he fell so far that he’s working the taco line at the Bell in Central California.

The death rumor is probably the most persistent for Supiran. It’s also the easiest to fake. In fact, Wikipedia has gotten in on the act, “Jerry passed away at the age of 21 due to a long-term complications stemming from a severe heart murmur. Jerry is survived by one son who he fathered in 1991. Jerry was no stranger to trouble in his adult life, his struggles with alcohol addiction adding to his existing heart problems.” Wikipedia has also stated, “Jerry’s life was no ‘Small Wonder.’” That’s my favorite because I’m sure that’s how Supiran would want his death to be listed, in fact, I’m sure that’s what it says on his tomb stone. Wikipedia has since removed all the death remarks, but I’m sure they will return. This is because bloggers such as myself have little to no lives. Faking celebrity deaths are right up there with Rickrolling, it’s just good old fashioned internet fun, before things got all mean girl on MySpace.

How to Fake a Death

The secret to faking a good celebrity death is to supply details and pick the right celebrity to kill. Details such as “fathered a child in 1991,” “struggles with alcohol,” and “heart problems.” And the right celebrity is someone no one cares about, but is still immensely interested in. This being a nice D-list celebrity that used to be on a show that people sort of remember and people sort of maybe liked. For instance, Michael Ray Bower who played “Donkey Lips” on Salute your Shorts died in 2007 after a long battle with Hoof-and-Mouth Disease. He passed away in Tarzana surrounded by friends and family. You read that and you say, “Hoof-and-Mouth Disease? That’s weird, too weird not to be true.” And dying surrounded by loved ones, that does sound like something Donkey Lips would do. We could even say that Bower always had Hoof-and-Mouth and that’s why they named his character Donkey Lips. Extra facts might include something about Michael Bower playing background characters in pornos, and while he never actually had sex on tape, here’s a video of Donkey Lips naked. And now that it’s out there in cyberspace, the death of Donkey Lips is true.

A Jerry Supiran Update

Jerry contacted Washed Up Celebrities to set the record. He likes Golf, he’s fairly certain he’s not Billy Corgan, and he really loves wearing silly hats. Jerry even Twitters.

Why he didn’t reach out to Wolf Gnards, we might never know. But if you’re out there, if you’re listening, we’re here for you, Jerry.