Wolf Gnards

How come no one told me that Steven Seagal has a energy drink? Would I like some Steven Seagal energy coursing through my veins? Hell, yes, I would. Would I like a pony tail? No. Would I like an Oriental shirt? Perhaps, but no. But would I like to taste what’s on Steven Seagal’s lips? All signs point to yes. I need his massive tubbier than thou energy coursing through my veins. Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt comes in Cherry Charge and Asian Experience. Is he really the best person to be promoting the Asian Experience? Caucasian Cola, maybe. All I’m saying is Glimmer Man Grape better be on the production line.

I like the little picture of Steven Seagal though. It says this product has bad taste and is most likely bad tasting. It’s hard for me to imagine that type of douche bag that sees Steve Seagal’s picture on an energy drink and then puts that drink in their stomach. I like his quote, too, “A Natural Energy Drink Packed With Vitamins and Exotic Botanicals.” I think they should change the quote to, “I’m in the bathroom… What? I don’t care, just put my name on it. I need money, dammit.” The Lighting Bolt website says that its choked full of delicious Chi energy… it’s got what your spirit craves.

I just hope this leads to more beverages by B-list action stars: Jean Claude Ginger Ale or Wesley Snipes’ Cream Soda (Strangely enough also comes in Asian Experience).