Wolf Gnards

Speaking of getting with that fine ass Queen Amidala, it looks like that wooden rogue Anakin is settling down again. Hayden Christensen became engaged to Jumper co-star Rachel Bilson. It has not been confirmed but Christensen most likely proposed in a monotone voice “Will… you… marry… me… bee… boo… bop?” The bee-boo-bop, of course, being his robotic personality.

Haychel, as I’ve coined the new entity, is just another in a long line of actors falling in love on a movie set. It goes to show just how idiotic actors really are. That’s not to say acting isn’t a difficult skill. If I ever try to do something even remotely thespian, I just end up stammering then giggling then giggling and stammering again. I think actors can become a role because they simply have nothing going on to begin with. They’re going into it with a glass very much half empty. Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson just represent a prime example: the onset romance. Actors fall in love because they can’t tell the difference between pretending to be in love and actually being in love. Christensen is so stupid that a director tells him to love with someone and he falls in love. He’s like a slobbery puppy dog. It doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens enough that there must be a connection. Eliot didn’t have sex with E.T., but they probably made out a bit, second base, at least. I’ve never fallen in love with anyone I’ve worked with, of course, it does happens in real life but Hollywood does it best.

The ultimate is when an actress falls in love with her director. She’s actually falling in love with the person that’s telling her to fall in love. That’s like an acting masochist. Directors should know better, it’s got to be something like statutory rape. The age of consent for a starlet should be raised to like 35 (of course, no one wants them by then).

But back Hayden Christensen, the guy just continues to ruin everything good in the world. First Star Wars then Rachel Bilson, what’s next? Vader is the biggest geek killer of them all. His next project casts him as Case in William Gibson’s classic cyberpunk novel Neuromancer. Really, Christensen? Must you ruin Neuromancer? After that he’ll most likely play Dr. Who then Freddy the Talking Flute in the big screen remake of H.R. Pufnstuf.

Hopefully, Bilson will sap the energy out of him, although, she’s a little emaciated looking–probably not too much in the way of stamina. Time to sandwich up, Bilson, and keep Christensen from working!