Wolf Gnards

In 1988, we couldn’t get enough of boys named Corey, in fact we needed more, much more: Haim, Feldman, Corey Hart, noted chemist Robert Corey, Corrie, Indiana. They were in lockers, trapper keepers, Corey hotlines. And by 1989 we were done them, Coreyed out as the case may be. Both Cory Haim and Corey Feldman’s careers were all but over by 1990. They weren’t even 21 and they were all but used up by Hollywood. What happened? How could we have forsaken the two Coreys? Where did the Coreys go wrong?

Reasons for the Untimely Demise of Coreys

• Drug problems
• Lack of parental guidance
• Bad scripts
• Corey oversaturation
• The onset of late blooming ugliness (ie Brian Posehn syndrome)
• Michael Jackson obsession
• Lack of talent
• Musial interests (coupled with overall lack of talent)
• Growing popularity of the name Tyler

There can be Only One Corey

The main problem was the Corey to Corey dynamic itself. To say that “there can be only one” is actually incorrect. Truthfully, there can be only one main Corey. In 1989, there was a paradigm shift in the Corey infrastructure, which could ultimately lead to rupture in the space/time continuum, not to mention the implosion of two teen idol careers. Let’s look at the successes of the Corey Haim/Corey Feldman paring. Lost Boys: success. License to Drive: success. Dream a Little Dream: dismal failure. The key difference is that Corey Haim is the main Corey in License to Drive and Lost Boys, while Feldman is the sidekick. Dream a Little Dream switched their roles to disastrous results. And unfortunately, they never switched back. Feldman kept his “leading man” role throughout their many undertakings with “classics” such as National Lampoon’s Last Resort and Dream a Little Dream 2.

The reason the former dynamic worked so well is because Corey Haim is better looking and Corey Feldman is the better actor. When little girls tacked pictures of the Coreys to their wall, and assuredly they tacked both, it was only Corey Haim that ever really had a place in the hearts. Feldman was just a convenient Corey backup: the best man at their wedding. In teen movies, the lead male simply has to be someone that the audience can stand looking at for 90 minutes. So, where did Feldman fit in? As the better actor, he got all the funny sidekick lines. While not handsome, he was charming for what little screen time his average looks could afford. Switch it around and you have to stare at Feldman for an entire film, while Haim butchers every punchline.

Follow up:

If you watched any of Feldman’s movies in the 90’s, all basically the same low budget booby movie, are all about girls wanting to have sex with Corey Feldman. This is his ploy to convince you that he’s as handsome as any teen idol especially that bastard Corey Haim. It’s this hubris that was his undoing. His greatest roles were as sidekicks. Goonies. Sidekick. Stand By Me. Sidekick. Even his musical projects are just a smoke screen to convince people that he’s cool, he’s a leading man, he belongs out front, under the spotlight. If he would have accepted his place, he could have been one of the greatest sidekicks in history. Imagine the world where Haim played the lead in Dream a Little Dream, Feldman his stoner dufus friend, and instead of Jason Robards they cast Wilford Brimley (known in many circles as the anti-Robards). A sweep of the Oscars at the very least, and possibly world peace.

If only they can go back to a simpler time. A time where Feldman wasn’t convinced that he’s super hot (when he where’s sunglasses partially dipping off his nose, that’s to let you know just how hot he is). A world where Haim wasn’t mentally retarded. Unfortunately, enough beautiful women have slept with Corey Feldman to convince him that he’s a cool, awesome stud in a hunky non-gay Michael Jackson sort of way. And drugs have thoroughly rotted Haim’s brain inside and out. I mean he’s selling his teeth on eBay! He’s not even surrounded by people good enough to tell him not to sell teeth on eBay.

So, long Corey. So, long Corey. So, long to the terrible movies that will never be.