Wolf Gnards

I was reading this story about a firefighter dressing up as Spider-Man to save an autistic child, and it got me thinking about super suits. A real life Spider-Man would run into some major wardrobe malfunctions. In a real fire whatever synthetic material Spidey’s suit is made of would go up like kindling. Tobey Maguire joked about the Spider-wedgies in Spider-Man 2, but the problems of fully functional super suits run much deeper than any wedgie.

The Thermodynamics of Superhero Costumes

The most glaring problem with comic book superheroes is the construction of their secret super suits. Is Peter Parker a seamstress? Batman is easy to forgive, with Bruce Wayne being a billionaire and all. He could afford fine Italian craftsmanship. But Peter Parker is at home with a needle and thread, are we to believe he could craft anything remotely fashionable or functional. Skin tight body suits need to be tailored. Could Martha Kent possibly sew anything that doesn’t resemble footy pajamas? However, I’m willing to suspend my disbelief, maybe, fairies deliver superhero costumes. Maybe, Versace supply heroes with outfits free of charge. It doesn’t matter where it comes from, it’s how they work that’s important. I mean Spider-Man got a costume from a “Costume Making Machine” in Secret Wars (Of course, that outfit turned out to be an alien symbiote, but that’s entirely different story), anything can happen.

The main problem I see with superhero costumes is any sort of climate control. The problem with any superhero’s suit is sweating, soupy balls and pit stains (or soupy breasts, it’s an equal opportunity life saving biz). In the Spider-Man movies, Peter Parker likes to perform the iconic Superman shirt rip, but are we to believe Pete is sitting around all day in full body long underwear… in the summer? Superman has the excuse of being Kyptonian, he doesn’t sweat much and is probably not effected much by extreme hots or colds. But is non-sweating part of a spider ability? Batman is the probably the most unbelievable because he’s a regular dude underneath his threads. We know that Gotham City is located somewhere in New Jersey. We know New Jersey is humid as hell. We know every actor to don the cape and cowl has complained about how hot and unbearable it is.

Heat + Head-to-Toe Foam Rubber = Bad Times

Follow up:

In reality, Batman would have a hard time sneaking in shadows because of the terrible, terrible B.O. He’s stench would strike fear in the hearts of criminals. During the bank robbery, the Joker would say, “Is it just me or does something smell like soar milk and testicles… oh hey, Batguy, what’s up?”

Nike’s new Dri-FIT technology is probably one of the best real superhero materials. The fabric helps control body temperature by moisture away from the body. Of course, most superheroes would look like they’re on their way to a Spin class, but that’s the price to pay for comfortable balls. One costume feature that I’ve come to love is Power Girl’s. That being the big hole in the front of her costume (which has gotten larger and larger as the years go on, as has her breasts). Retroactively the writer’s say the function of the chest hole is to distract criminals with her super boobs, but I say it’s just to allow in a nice cooling breeze. Busting bad guys is sweaty work and a super gal or guy has to stay comfortable.