Wolf Gnards

This one’s for the ladies, a handy dandy guide on how to pick up your very own nerd.

That’s how to do akanbe, Japanese for “Sexy Nerd.” Actually, it’s a school girl taunt in Japan, the equivalent to “Neener, neener, nyah, nyah.” Simply pull down lower eyelid, stick out tongue, and watch the nerds come a calling. This facial gesture is geek catnip, so be careful.

However, as noted, other successful methods to pick up a nerd are: make eye contact, say hello, ask for pencil, sit next to, or be the opposite sex (or same sex). If you make yourself available to even the most hardcore of geeks, eventually they will put down the video game/manga/calculus text book, and take notice. The key is to be in their line of site when they do.

He is no one. But he is every man. He is no where. Yet he is everywhere. He is the night. Well, maybe not the night, but he’s, at least, a nice afternoon nap on a cloudy day. He is Jesse Heiman and he is the extra. Who is Jesse Heiman you may ask, but rest assured if you’ve seen him there wouldn’t be such questions. Heiman is one of the finest stander arounders in cinema: actor, writer, creator, innovator (he says so himself). Known to many a Kraft Services as That Extra Guy, he is a professional background artist. Few men manage to take up space with such meaty determination as Heiman. Born in 1978, Jesse was a baby that crawled behind other more picturesque babies. Soon he would toddle behind other toddlers, until he grew into perhaps the premier background nerd.

Jesse has starred in such films as American Pie 2, Old School, Spider-Man, and can be seen on the small screen in on Entourage, Arrested Development, The O.C., and, of course, his greatest role in Chuck. Such accomplishments could easily make him the biggest box office draw since Burt Reynolds. But who could resist these roles? Classic characters like “Winking Comic Book Nerd” and “Piggly Wiggly Shopper” and “Locker Room Student with Inhaler.” He has an actual name in NBC’s Chuck… “Fernando.” Jesse Heiman first came to my attention as the rosy cheeked kid standing behind Peter Parker in Spider-man. I thought to myself at the time, he must play some crucial role to Spidey’s development because no one stands with such conviction, no cheeks could be so rosy, and not play a critical role. He’s also done some incredible stand in work for Knocked Up and Forgetting Sara Marshall. Do to his pleasantly plump frame and semi-Jew fro one would assume that he stood in for Jonah Hill, but Heiman is versatile, he could easily set up the lighting for a Seth Rogan.

Heiman is best known for teen nerd extras, even at 30 that seems to be his area of expertise. It takes more than just horn rimmed glasses and a pocket protector to be a background nerd. The audience needs to feel the agony of a thousand marching bands, they need to believe that this kid could never get laid, and Heiman plays it beautifully. No one doesn’t get laid better. A high school movie would be hard pressed not to include Jesse Heiman in the background. He has a special quality of fat combined with nondescript combined with rosy cheeks and invisible face. Fat floating cheek bones if you will, or the perfect TV extra. He moved to Hollywood in 2000 with the dream of being near cameras, camera adjacent. Many thought he would never almost be on film, but he proved his doubters wrong. Heiman stood with the best of them, and he’s still standing today. Sometimes even speaking.

Jesse Heiman Montage

Ed O’Bannon has taken some time from his career of piling street junk into a beat up pickup truck to speak out against the NCAA. Actually, I think he might be a used car salesman, which is much better than getting paid million of dollars to dribble a basketball.

Some of you may remember Ed O’Bannon winning a national championship for UCLA. Some of you may remember O’Bannon for averaging 5.2 points a game for the Nets. But most of you probably don’t remember Ed O’Bannon at all.

And that’s the point.

Ed O’Bannon hasn’t done much, but if other people are going to make money off of the his few achievements, he would like to get paid for it. This is why Ed O’Bannon is suing the NCAA. The suit filed this Tuesday states that the NCAA has illegally used college athletes’ images for commercial use without sharing any of the proceeds with the former athletes. These images namely being DVD’s, photographs, apparel, and most of all video games.

Who is this Player #23?

If you played NBA Live in the 90’s, you may remember the legend of Player #23. Michael Jordan didn’t want his likeness used in video games, so companies included very familiar, very high jumping, bald player with no name. NBA In the Zone ’98 famously replaced Jordan with some white guy. This is because Jordan opted out of the game because of different licensing than the NBA Player’s Association. This is what NCAA video games have to deal with. Since college players can’t be paid money, video games that feature these players then have to use fake players… fake players, of course, that have the same heights, skills, and general likenesses as their real life counterparts. Ed O’Bannon and many other former college athletes have noticed that Player #31 on the all-UCLA legends team bear a striking similarity to himself.

The Madden franchise has faced similar lawsuits from former players featured on the All-Madden teams. Are we to believe Player #16 is not Joe Montana? Of course not and the players received $28 million because of these. Guys like Ed O’Bannon don’t even have much in pro-money to start with. They live for their former achievements. Video game companies are making millions of dollars, and the NCAA is getting paid by them, shouldn’t the former players as well?

I like to believe that I’m capable of doing one great thing. Only one though. And I’d like to be paid for that one great thing—be it a hotdog eating championship or finding a dead body or being great at claw machines. I’d like to get paid for my okay things to. O’Bannon buys his lunch out of trucks and eats his lunch in other trucks, a little video game money can upgrade this to a restaurant every once in while. They’re not making Used Car Salesman Sims anytime soon, although if they do make that game, I’ll probably play it.

So, as I was looking for the perfect Ron Weasley/Rocky Dennis pic, I stumbled across this little gem. It’s a cut out Rocky Dennis Mask by Tastes Like Chicken. I know what I’m dressing up as this Halloween!

The rest of your DIY Mask costume is pretty simple. All you need is a black AC/DC T-shirt, jeans, and a denim biker vest. Beautiful Laura Dern-esque blonde girl optional.

This debate started when my co-worker popped his head over my cubicle and said, “Guess what? The Harry Potter chick’s 19! Pound it!” And, of course, I bumped fists (no fist will ever go unbumped under my watch), but I felt very dirty afterwards. But here’s the dilemma (beyond the obvious creepy perviness), Emma Watson got too good looking to play Hermione Granger, the cuteness of which threatens to unravel the world of Harry Potter. The problem is Emma has grown considerably better looking than her fellow cast members, and particularly her love interest Ron Weasley. To quote the great poet, Joe Jackson, “Is she really going out with him?”

This only became a problem because of a lack of foresight. One: when they made the original movie, no one knew that she would be Ron’s love interest, or that romance would ever really became an element of the Potter universe. These were just little kids, so they cast little kids who fit the part. Fine. Problem two: No one suspected the both the fan base and J.K. Rowling would demand that these original kids finish the series. Producers probably thought they would replace the kids every few years. So, the films were stuck with the fact that Emma Watson was becoming a Hermione Granger that was clearly out of Ron Weasley’s league.

Why this tears the universe apart is because in a real high school scenario, Hermione would pick the best looking guy in her social circle, that being Harry Potter. If she picked Harry, then Ron becomes a social outcast, drowning his sorrows in witch’s brew and black magic. Eventually, becoming the pasty red headed Voldemort to Harry and Hermione’s future child, Harrmio. And history repeats itself. Let’s say for the sake of argument though that she, in fact, has a ginger fetish. She stays the course and stays with Ron. In the real life scenario, Potter spends every waking moment thinking about Hermione. Writing her love letters,hanging out around her locker. He can’t eat, he can’t sleep, he can’t study magic. Sub par magical training means Harry will make some crucial mistake some place. Voldemort wins, rules the world, kills Ron Weasley, and takes Hermione as his child bride. And, of course, the much more likely scenario of all is she ditches both Ron and Harry for a college wizard.

The point is there is no way that Harry and Ron can stay friends if someone so good looking is between them. At some point, some one’s feelings are going to get hurt and in the wizardry world angsty teens become old super villains.

On second thought, what girl could ever say “No” to Ron Weasley?

There’s something about Indie Girls that can drive a geek like me crazy. They represent a very special breed of hipster chick. They’re outwardly more friendly and less materialistic than a Trixie. Like Geek Girls, Indie Girls are smart, fun, and knowledgeable of pop culture, however, they’re also much more put together… as in A ) they’re cute, B ) they know they’re cute, and C ) they’re purposefully trying to be cute. While Geek Girls can certainly be A, it’s B and C that often allude them.

To demonstrate the overall appeal of Indie Cuties, our model for discussion will be no other than Ms. Zooey Deschanel: singer, actress, and all around wide-eye stunner.

Bangs

Bangs are an integral part of the Indie Girl. While, Jenny Lewis may be the Queen of Bangs, Zooey represents bangs in fluid motion. No one has more control over their bangs than Zooey Deschanel.

What’s behind those bangs we ask? A massive brain perchance, a brain that could understand our quirks and idiosyncrasies? Zooey’s bangs are on a 1:1 face to bang ratio, this is the maximum size bangs can be before they enter New Jersey/Texas territory. Any larger and she’s no longer smart and witty, but some sort of trashy.

Eyes

Zooey’s eyes are often described as her best feature. They say “the eyes are the gateway to the soul,” and like her bangs, her big wide eyes make us believe that something wonderful is going on behind them. An Indie Girl without large doe eyes is hardly an Indie Girl at all, just a squinty nerd with marginally fashionable style.

The color is important, too. Zooey’s is an almost unnatural shade of blue. These are eyes that say, “I understand what it’s like to be different.” They also might say, “I could be an alien.”

While, dating an Indie Girl is awesome. Dating an Indie Girl Alien is even better. What Nerd hasn’t had that Green Babe Star Trek fantasy?

Smile

Zooey Deschanel is also the master of the Indie Girl smile. It’s a smile that borders on a surprised gasp. It’s shock combined with almost a knowing wink and displays her sense of wonderment. What does she see to make her smile so? Did someone just make a hilarious Dr. Who reference? Or a cunning observation on the two Coreys? Zooey’s is a much practiced smile, maybe, too practiced but still lovely.

Legs

An proper Indie Girl needs not have great legs, but great leggings are a must. Leggings draw attention to legs, while simultaneously covering up any imperfections, the results? Perfection. Without knowing what said legs actually look like all we can do is dream of the wonders that lay underneath.

The Stance

The Indie Girl stance is also critical. Most Indie Girls are on the skinny side with flailing legs and arms, something akin to Olive Oyl. Zooey likes to take a wide stance in her pyramid-like power stance.

However, if we map Zooey’s signature stance we find something interesting going on…

Zooey’s power stance is clearly a rough facsimile of Kurt Vonnegut’s eyes, nose, and mustache. What better why to reach any well educated geek than to invoke their literary idols in her very movement?

Conculsion

These Indie features help make Zooey Deschanel stand out from the rest. Take her sister, Emily Deschanel for example. Emily is a fine looking woman with very similar features as Zooey, yet not nearly as cute. Don’t get me wrong, when Emily dressed up as Wonder Woman, it had all the tell tale effects on my libido, but she’s still world’s apart from her sister.

If you look closely, you’ll find Emily’s lack of bangs reveals a mega forehead. And her lack of the Indie smile makes me believe she won’t put up with any of nonsense (and I have much nonsense to offer). However, Zooey is more than just a random gathering of bits and pieces. Replicating her style and DNA is just not enough… sorry, Katy Perry. Likewise, it takes more than just instructions and bangs to be an Indie Girl. It’s a state of being and that’s what you got to love about them the most.

However, sad to say for most of us Geeks, Indie Girls like Zooey seem to have their eyes set only for Indie Douches with acoustic guitars.