Wolf Gnards

Boys have a infinite amount of possibilities. They can be Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, hell, even Aquaman is better than Rainbow Brite, but for girls it’s either Wonder Woman or bust (insert Wonder Woman bust jokes here). In imaginationland, girls are relegated to being Spider-Man’s aunt or Superman’s girlfriend. Because what is a knight without a damsel in distress? Then a very forward thinking cartoon executive one day said, “Why don’t we have girl characters that do something?” Girls that do things, what a revolutionary idea. Girls that are not just on train tracks. Girls that are not just in towers. From that day, a rule was created: there will be a female charter on the cartoon team, not be saved, but helping to save, BUT there can be only one. And she must be cute.

And this is weird lesson that’s relevant in just about any cartoon: girl’s can be equals as long as they’re aesthetically pleasant. When creating charters you don’t accidentally draw a hot girl standing next two mutant reptiles… creation is planned, at least, on kids programing. Even as cartoon girls come up in the world, it’s still have to look good and please men.

Smurfette

She was the original only girl, and the most prolific. Why there were thousands, possibly millions of male Smurfs to her one little ol’ blue self, but they’re Belgium so anything goes. She has her choice between Brainy Smurf, Hefty Smurf, and her favorite Poppa Smurf (he loves it when she calls him Big Poppa). Smurfette was actually created by Gargamel to do what women do best: cause trouble. No lie, that’s her actual back story. Lesson: If you’re sufficiently cute, you can get an entire village of men to do things for you.

Cheetara

Ain’t nothing like a girl who knows how to work a staff. All those Thundercats and only one female amongst them (let’s not put WilyKit into the equation). Now Lion-O might have still had the mind of a 10-year-old, but don’t tell me Tygra and Panthero, didn’t do the math. Four males, two females, and a Snarf, and only one of the females is legal. Cheetara, by the way, was the first women I ever saw naked, now she was cartoon and didn’t have nipples, but still significant. Up there with Phoebe Cates and Jamie Lee Curtis. Lesson: Enjoy your beauty marks.

Firestar

Firestar was on the show Spider-Man and his Amazing Threesome. Spider-man, Iceman, and Firestar were set up for a nice little love triangular. Obviously, fire and ice go together perfectly, but Firestar looks suspiciously like Mary Jane, and we all know Petie’s a sucker for red heads. Producers originally wanted the Human Torch, but his Fantastic Four rights were all tied up, which actually prevented Spider-Man his Amazing Friends from being a huge superhero sausage fest. Lesson: Don’t be a tease, or your boyfriend will melt.

Gadget

Gadget and the Rescue Rangers are actually interesting because there was an actual love triangle written into this Disney afternoon show. Here’s the interesting bit though, Chip & Dale, Gadget’s two primary suitors, are not genetically similar enough to mate (at least, I don’t think they are, I haven’t seen any mousemonks roaming around). The only one that could pair up with Gadget was Monterrey Jack and he was more interested in fighting, cheese, and his man/boy relationship with a fly. Lesson: Let young men fight over you until an older man comes around.

April O’Neil

I didn’t know anything about sexuality when Ninja Turtles hit the seen. I just knew that April O’Neil made me feel very, very funny. Why would they make character on a kid’s show so insanely hot? She was hotter than her comic book counterpart. Even as a kid I knew that the only thing that separated me from full frontal was a little zipper on April’s jump suit. Lesson: Cleavage can make up for any hasty decision.

Cleo from the Catillac Cats

Heathcliff actually featured two lady cats, but they never had scenes together. Sonja was Heathcliff’s main squeeze and was basically a white, chubby female version of Heathcliff. But the cat of our dreams, of course, was Cleo, better known as the cat in leg warmers. There is no reason why a cat should be drawn that good looking in a kids cartoon. 1) It’s a kid’s show, no reason to be hot. 2) She’s a cat, no reason to be hot. On a side note, Dee Dee Supreme knitted some leg warmers for our cat, she kicked them off within seconds. I also found something unjust that Heathcliff’s girlfriend was not as good looking as Cleo. I mean, he was the star of the show. Lesson: Only date the coolest cat in town.

Let’s not forget the princess from Voltron, Cover Girl and Scarlett from GI Joe, Penny from Inspector Gadget, and He-man’s Teela (Not to mention the She-ra universe).

What does this say about feminism in cartoons, and how boys view women through television? Probably absolutely nothing. Maybe, good people are cute, bad people are ugly. Though, boys should enjoy the time being a hero because in a few years that’s all going to stop, and the ladies will be slyly running things with their leg warmers and yellow jump suits.

Follow up:

STD Rates of Cartoon Shows

When you add females to all male casts, it’s hard not to imagine the sexual possibilities. It’s the same with comic books, editors added sidekicks because they wanted a teen character that young boys could relate to, a cunning and innocent move. Then a psychologist walks along and sees a young boy and a grown man playing dress up and assumes that Batman and Robin are couple. The same is true for women in cartoons. Producers wanted a female character so girls would watch boy oriented programming. But when she’s usually outnumbered 10 to 1, how could she not be having relations with everyone? The permutations just become gross.

It wasn’t until the creation of cartoons like Jem, Strawberry Shortcake, and She-ra, that cartoon lib began.