Wolf Gnards

I don’t remember who first made this observation, it was probably Nietzsche or Noam Chomsky, but it holds true either way, “Bruce Willis is the Best.” Not that he’s the best human being or the best actor, but that he continually plays the best and he plays the best well (the best at the being best?). Again, this does not mean that Bruce Willis always plays the best of men, it’s just that they are the best at what they do, and what they do is mostly blowing things up.

Whatever your specialty is, your goal in life should be to be the Bruce Willis of your field. And this is more than just being the best at what you do, but should the government need assistance they would call you to put together a crack team. For instance, if there was a pop culture disaster, I would want Billy Bob Thornton to say, “We need Wolf Gnards.” Then I would drill a hole in the pop culture and drop in useless charts and graphs until it implodes on its own self importance.

Examples of Bruce Willis Besttitude

Hudson Hawk – World’s Best Thief
Last Man Standing – Best Gangster Gunslinger in Town
The Fifth Element – World’s Best Intergalactic Military Specialist/Taxi Driver
The Jackal – World’s Best Assassin
Armageddon – World’s Best Offshore Oil Driller
The Sixth Sense – Best Child Psychologist in Philadelphia
Bandits – Best Bank Robber
Planet Terror – Leader of Best Special Forces Unit in Iraq

Not Stated as the Best, But still Pretty Damn Good

Die Hard – A Damn Fine Cop
The Last Boyscout – Ex-Secret Service Agent (Once Saved the President) Turned Down and Out Detective, and Possibly the Best Boyscout.
Striking Distance – Best Boat Cop
Twelve Monkeys – Best Time Travel subject
The Whole Nine Yards – Best Hitman
Unbreakable – Best at not Breaking
Ocean’s Twelve – Himself, ie World’s Best Actor
Sin City – Most Honest Detective in Basin City

As well as being the best, Willis has also specialized in being several high ranking military officials.

By tabulating all of Bruce Willis’s films, we find that he plays the world’s greatest something, the leading expert in whatever, or random high ranking army dude 34 times, that means he’s the best roughly 63% of the time.

Hudson Hawk is probably the greatest entryway into the Bruce Willis psyche. Remember that he wrote and directed that cinematic masterpiece. It’s pure Bruce Willis, or better yet a window of how he sees himself. It’s like if Tim Burton looks in the mirror and sees Johnny Depp, Bruce Willis looks and sees Hudson Hawk: the World’s Greatest Cat Burglar who’s as clever as Leonardo da Vinci and with enough sex appeal to make a Nun moan.

What’s interesting is that while, Willis is clearly the best most of time. He’s almost a despicable character almost as much as a completely average Joe. But this could just be the movies, Bruce Willis with a gun is far more interesting than Bruce Willis the Used Car Salesmen.

But here’s a suggestion for Hollywood, Bruce Willis and Jeff Goldblum in a buddy picture called Best & Brightest. Take it, free of charge.