Wolf Gnards

I’ve been known to be perhaps a tad over critical of Masi Oka. But the only reason is because he’s one of the few Asians in popular culture right now. Every generation, we get one Asian—just one—and for the moment he’s it. Unfortunately, that means that all Asians are judged by Masi Oka’s actions. The problem is Masi is in a very strange zone. His popularity is an off shoot of his cuteness, but his cuteness is based on dopiness and emasculation. Which reflects poorly on Asians everywhere. Here’s the thing though, all popularity, be it movie box office or music or high school, is based on the principle of girls wanting to grind up on it. This is what Freud might call The Phallic Stage or what Digital Underground might call the Humpty Hump. The very foundation of what is attractive is built upon unicorns and Care Bears.

Vanity Fair explains his cuteness as:

One theory, which has been proposed by a lot of Japanese artists and academics, is that, after the humiliation and emasculation of Japan in the postwar years, Japan developed this quasi-queer position of ‘little brother’ or ‘little boy.’

Which is close, but it’s missing out on the mass produced industrial side of Asia. The plush toy is perhaps a closer analogy than little boy, but both are fitting. However, that is not to say the stuffed toy is not without it’s appeal. The unicorn can be sexy?

Let’s look at the three highest grossing movies of all time: Titanic, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean. It just means that girls want to have sex with Leonardo DiCaprio, Viggo Mortensen, and Johnny Depp. But there’s more to it. Let’s say for the sake of argument, that Frodo drove girls to Lord of the Rings, and I think it can be established that no girl wants to have carnal knowledge of Frodo (Sam… that goes without question, but live human females I’m not so sure about). But they do want to HUG Frodo, and a hug is a grind. If we rewind our sexual development back to the beginning what we find are Teddy Bears and stuffed animals. Cozy, snugly, innocent, just good, clean grinding fun. These top grossing movies, offer not just sex appeal, but two types of grind.

The Orlando Bloom Paradox

Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean both featured Orlando Bloom… coincidence? Or is this Unicorn Sexy in action? Orlando Bloom is the equivalent of a stuffed animal that you can have sex with. For all us meek and adorable, we know the worse thing to be is cute because somewhere along the line the teddy bear loses its luster. But Unicorn Sexy is the principle that there is a level beyond, and cute in fact folds on itself to become sexy. Sexy become cute, cute becomes androgynous, which becomes homely, then cute again and back to sexy. Understand?

Or to put it otherwise, Viggo Mortensen becomes Frodo who becomes David Bowie who becomes Orlando Bloom. In theory, at least. Skinny Leonardo DiCaprio was the sexy unicorn behind Titanic (two grinds in one), and Masi Oka could be the sexy unicorn of Heroes. This is where we hear the collective… say what!? But it’s true. Yes, it brings us back to Hiro and the emasculated Asian. Because is he truly emasculated or just a glam rocker waiting to happen? The reason NBC puts Masi down is only because they’re afraid he’ll loose his plush-appeal. Executives know he’s popular because young girls want to buy stuff Masis (or is the plural form of Masi still Masi?), and they’re afraid by giving him a meatier less racist role, he’ll lose that fan base. But what they aren’t allowing for is the natural progression of gyration.